


Finding Our Way Back Home

by roslinadamasinequanon



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Children, Disturbing Imagery or Content, Drama, Episode: s05e04 Han, Episode: s05e05 Constituency of One, Episode: s05e06 Disaster Relief, Episode: s05e07 Separation of Powers, Episode: s05e08 Shutdown, Episode: s05e09 Abu el Banat, F/M, Family, Holidays, Hurt/Comfort, Missing Scene, Political, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-06-30
Updated: 2007-06-30
Packaged: 2019-05-15 05:13:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 31
Words: 140,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14784198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roslinadamasinequanon/pseuds/roslinadamasinequanon
Summary: Unable to deal with all that happened to her and her daughters after finding out that Jed's decision to assassinate Abdul Shareef was behind their kidnapping, Abbey takes Zoey and the twins home to New Hampshire to heal. Meanwhile back in Washington, Jed's world unravels and he is plunged into a misery of guilt and loneliness.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

The inhabitants of the limo were silent as the agent made the turn from the rural route onto the Bartlets' private drive that led to the farmhouse. Picking up on their mother's mood, the twins had been uncharacteristically quiet and still – both on the plane and now in the car – and Zoey's eyes had been closed since their plane had landed in Manchester and they had gotten into the car. For her part, Abbey simply stared out the window at all the familiar landmarks that graced the landscape of her home – the blooming apple trees in the orchard, the rickety old sugar shack at the edge of the woods, the ancient low stone walls that divided the property, the rolling pastures dotted with black and white dairy cows, the glistening pond with its long dock and floating raft, and the white washed paddocks that held gleaming chestnut horses grazing in the tall grass. 

Thunder rumbled in the distance and rain began pattering on the roof of the car as they approached the elegant colonial farmhouse. The weather fit Abbey's mood perfectly – dark, dreary, unsettled and angry. 

An agent opened an umbrella for her as he bent to open the door, but Abbey ignored him. She stepped from the car, closed her eyes, and lifted her face to the heavens allowing the rain to pelt her face. If only it would be that easy wash away her pain. If only it would be that easy to cleanse her soul. 

"Mom?" It was Zoey who drew Abbey's attention back to the car and to getting the children, the dogs and the cat removed and up to the house. 

They got soaked on the run up to the door, so Abbey ushered them all in through the mudroom, not the front entryway. The mudroom was essential to every New England home – a room to remove wet jackets, snowy boots, dirty riding boots and muddy cleats. A room where the girls' field hockey and lacrosse sticks, skis, snowboards, and snowshoes all hung on pegs that Jed had drilled into the walls. A room with large shelves that held various helmets used for horseback riding, bicycling, and skiing, along with softball gloves, hiking boots, riding boots, winter boots and skates. By the door was an old dresser filled with mittens, gloves, and hats for winter weather, and along the wall leading to the door were various jackets – barn jackets and wind breakers, many with the Trinity High logo on them for fall and spring, heavy parkas and dressier long wool coats for winter, trench coats for rainy weather and even one of Jed's flight jackets that he must have left on one of his visits. 

After removing the kids' wet clothing, and wiping the dogs down with towels, Abbey opened the door to the house. 

"Okay, you little hooligans." She stopped the twins as they were about to run off through the house. "I want you both to run upstairs to your bedroom. I'll be up in a minute to change your clothes and then we'll have some lunch before your nap." 

"No nap." Nicky didn't even look back at his mother as he grabbed Aislinn's hand and led her to the stairs. 

"Nicholas Bartlet, have you ever won that war with me?" Abbey's head tilted to the side, hands on her hips. 

Nicky turned then and flashed his mother a grin, then he and Aislinn scrambled up the stairs to go to their bedroom. God, he got more and more like Jed every day. Usually that amused her, but today it caused more pain than humor or affection. Abbey shook her head with a sad smile and stood for a moment to take in her surroundings. Lord, how she loved this house. She took such pride in the shiny hardwood floors, the fresh bouquet of flowers on the Chippendale table in the entryway, and the tasteful artwork on the walls – all of which had been chosen by her and Jed and held meaning for them. This house might have started out as Jed's grandparents home, but over the years they had put their own stamp on it, combining the comfort needed for a home with active children with the understated elegance of old money. There were worn Aubusson carpets laid over gleaming wood floors, good quality sturdy furniture made to withstand their children and plenty of antiques from their parents' attics and from their own shopping sprees. Jed had left most of the decorating to her, that wasn't exactly his "thing", but he did have an interest in antiques. 

Normally coming home would have filled her with a sense of peace and belonging, but today it felt empty. She had come here several times without Jed and had never felt this kind of pervasive loneliness before. Never had the sense that she was running away from him felt so strong. 

"MOMMY!" Nicky was standing at the top of the staircase bellowing down at her. "Wan my HOT WHEELS!" 

Abbey sighed; her peaceful moment was over. "I'm coming!" She reached for the bag that held the twins' toys and made her way up the stairs. 

**** 

Abbey held her emotions in check the whole time she fed the kids a quick lunch of vegetable soup and grilled cheese sandwiches then settled them in for a nap. Once she was sure they were sleeping, she made her way to her bedroom to unpack. Entering the bedroom hit her harder than expected. For so long this room had been her and Jed's inner sanctum – the one place they could go when they wanted complete privacy. The place they went to bare both body and soul. She eyed their huge comfortable four-poster bed piled high with pillows and billowy down comforters and wondered how many nights had they laid together in that bed enjoying some quality pillow talk or read books together hip to hip or spent a rainy or snowy afternoon making love when the girls weren't around. How many lazy Saturday mornings had Jed sat in that bed grading papers while she nursed a baby? How many nights had she reclined in that bed reading medical journals while Jed played "Go Fish" with the girls across the foot? 

This room was so much a part of them as a couple. With tears stinging her eyes, she ran her fingers over the antique pine vanity table that held her favorite perfumes and make up. She picked up a bottle of _Innisfree_ and inhaled the gentle flowery essence. She had discovered the perfume on their honeymoon in Ireland and every St. Patrick's Day, Jed bought her a new bottle. 

His possession on the room was stamped damn near everywhere. An extra pair of his reading glasses lay on the nightstand next to his side of the bed. Several different aftershaves and colognes lay in a tray on top of his dresser. She was the one who had bought those. She was always trying to get him to try something new but he always stuck with the Bay Rum he had found on vacation in Bermuda. A scent that had become so much a part of him, she now thought of it as his own. His books were next to hers in the built-in bookshelves they'd had the carpenter put in when they took over the house, and a pair of his sneakers lay in front of the closet door. How many times did she have to tell him to put his shoes IN the closet when he was finished with them? Suddenly depressed beyond measure and lacking any energy to start unpacking, Abbey curled up on the bed, drawing her knees up to her chest, finally allowing her emotions to freely flow from the tight knots that had held a grip on her chest and belly. The quick easy tears made way quite soon to all out sobs as she released all the pain she had been trying to control for the past few days. Her sobs were cathartic and eased the tightness in her chest. She hadn't cried since finding out about Shareef, hadn't allowed herself to let go of her emotions. At the sound of his mistress' distress, Max jumped up on the bed and stretched out next to her, whining and nuzzling at her face. Abbey snuggled up to the big dog's back and when she was finally spent, she fell fast asleep. She didn't awaken until she heard crying coming from the nursery and cast her groggy swollen eyes on the clock by the bed. She was surprised to see that it was after five. They'd all slept the afternoon away. 

After changing soggy diapers, Abbey grabbed a handful of Hot Wheels so the kids could play on the kitchen floor while she prepared supper. Upon entering the big country kitchen, she found Zoey chattering away on the phone while a pot of water boiled. When she saw her mother, Zoey covered the receiver and whispered to her. 

"It's Daddy. Do you want to talk to him?" She tried to ignore her mother's red, swollen eyes. 

Abbey willed the lump in her throat to go away and she shook her head negatively. 

"Sorry, Daddy. She and the twins are still sleeping…Yes, I'll give them all your love…I love you, too." 

Abbey stared at Zoey as she hung up the phone. 

"I didn't expect you to lie for me. I don't want you getting in the middle of all this." 

"He sounds so sad tonight, Mom. I didn't want him to know that you were standing right here and didn't want to talk to him." 

"You think I'm being unreasonable?" 

"I didn't say that. I just hate it when you and Dad fight and I can't help feeling that we all just sort of deserted him." 

"Zoey, there are things between your father and me that you just don't understand." 

"Then why don't you help me understand?" 

"These are private things. Things between a husband and a wife, not your mother and father." 

"In other words, sex things." Zoey nodded knowingly. 

Abbey shook her head with a half smile. "Where did you get that sassy mouth, little girl?" 

"What? This?" Zoey asked, pointing to her lips. "I believe I got that from my mother." 

Abbey grinned at her, the tension of the phone call dissipating. "What have you got cooking here?" 

"Well, I wasn't sure if you guys were going to sleep the night away or not, so I figured I'd make something easy like spaghetti. The water is just about ready if you want to make the garlic bread." 

Abbey nodded and pulled a loaf of French bread out of the freezer and butter from the refrigerator. "Anything else you need while I'm in here?" 

Zoey turned to look at her mother, her breath catching in her throat. Just you, she thought to herself. Just you singing while you cook supper or asking me about my day. Just you telling me to sit down and keep from being underfoot. Just you telling me to set the table and wash my hands before supper. Just you making me feel safe again in the warmth of our family kitchen. Just you. 

"No, I think I've got everything." 

They settled into an easy camaraderie while they cooked both singing along softly with the radio and sometimes belting our louder duets with songs they particularly liked. Aretha Franklin's _Respect_ caused much giggling from the twins because they were using wooden spoons for microphones as they "performed" for them. 

The DJ had gone off to a commercial and the room was fairly quiet when Abbey bent to pull out the cookie sheet that held the wrapped garlic bread. 

"OW! Damn!" Abbey dropped the aluminum foil wrapped loaf and stuck her finger in her mouth. It had been much hotter than she'd expected. She started to move to the sink to run her hand under cold water when she heard a strange sound, like someone gasping for air. She turned and found Aislinn still seated on the kitchen floor, her eyes wide with fear and she was rocking back and forth making those odd wheezing breaths like she was hyperventilating. Nicholas had jumped to his feet and was looking at his sister as if she were an alien. 

"Aislinn, honey. Are you okay?" Abbey squatted before her with concern. Her concern became worry as she saw the big tears forming in the little girl's eyes. "Baby, what's wrong?" Abbey pushed her hair back off her forehead. "Can you tell Mommy what's wrong?" 

Aislinn shook her head, continuing to wheeze as if she couldn't catch her breath. But finally, she reached out for Abbey's hand and lifted it, as if to examine it, and Abbey realized finally why she was so upset. 

"Oh, honey. Did you think I was hurt?" 

Aislinn nodded, the tears now falling down her cheeks. 

"I just burned myself on the aluminum foil. I'm not hurt, sweetheart. Really. See?" She held her hand out for Aislinn to see there were no cuts or blood. 

Aislinn nodded, but there was still a wariness in her eyes that cut Abbey to the quick. Intellectually, she had known that recovery would be a long road, but emotionally, she had been hoping that coming back here would be all the soothing balm that they would need to get over the trauma of their captivity. It was quite evident from this event that it was going to take more than getting out of the White House to heal both of her daughters. 

**** 

Jed sat back with a sigh staring at the phone. He had just hung up from talking with his daughter. He'd thought the call would make him feel better. Instead, it left him feeling emptier inside, lonelier. He got up disconsolately and moved to where the steward had set up his evening meal. He'd thought to stay working late in the Oval but hadn't been able to concentrate on the tasks at hand. He'd finally given up and returned to the Residence hoping to get a chance to talk to his wife and children before bed. It had been great to talk to Zoey but he wished he had gotten the chance to talk to Abbey. It would have made him feel better to have that connection with her and might have made the transition a little easier. Instead, he was left feeling as if he'd lost everything. At least when Abbey and the girls were missing, he'd had Nicholas with him. Now there was no one. He was completely on his own. 

He lifted the lid off his plate and wrinkled his nose. He usually enjoyed Chicken Marsala but suddenly his appetite was gone. He sat back taking a swallow from the glass of ice water and changed the channel on the television trying to find something interesting to watch. When even the History Channel didn't grab his attention he gave up, placed the cover back over his plate and moved to the bathroom thinking a nice shower might make him feel better. 

The shower idea backfired miserably. There was too much of Abbey present in their bathroom. Too much of her in all those feminine toiletries that he'd often believed cluttered the bath shelf and now seemed so very dear to him – the pink loofah that hung from the bath nozzle, the honey and almond shower gel, the rose scented milk bath, the expensive flowery scented shampoo and conditioners, honeysuckle and lilac, the facial scrubs, masks, and moisturizers. He didn't know how the heck she kept it all straight. Give him a bar of Irish Spring and any old store bought shampoo and he was good to go. It was no wonder that it took her so much longer in the bath than it took him. 

He supposed he should be grateful that all this stuff was still here and hadn't been packed off to New Hampshire. Perhaps it was a sign that Abbey was planning to come back soon. Then again, it probably just meant that their bathroom at home was already fully stocked. He poured a measure of the honey/almond shower gel on the loofah just to get that familiar scent of his wife's skin. There were times when she came out of that bathroom smelling so damn good he just wanted to lick every inch of her skin, and many times when he had done just that. Just the thought of his wife's body naked, dewy and fresh from her bath caused a certain part of his anatomy to stir for the first time in a long time. Jed eyed his swelling body with disgust. 

"You better keep it down, pal," he muttered. "It might be a long, long time until you're needed again." 

He yelped as he switched the hot water to cold but he did get the desired effect from the move. 

He dried off quickly and efficiently, throwing on an old pair of sweats. Suddenly weary beyond belief, he crawled into bed, his hair still damp, and pulled the covers up over his shoulders to burrow under. A part of him wanted to hibernate in there for a good long while. Hibernating would be so much easier than facing these next few weeks alone. Facing what he'd done to his wife and children. Eyes burning with fatigue, he listened to the sound of his own heartbeat, his own breathing. Never had he felt more alone. 


	2. Finding Our Way Back Home

As Zoey made her way down the hallway of the second floor toward her bedroom, she saw the light spilling from the cracked doorway of the nursery. When she approached the room, she heard her mother's "reading" voice. Both her parents had been great readers; both had soothing voices and could make characters come to life so she would be hard pressed to pick who she had liked to read to her more when she was a child. She peeked into the room and saw her mother in a chair beside the half-crib/half toddler bed that both her siblings laid in surrounded by all their stuffed animals. Aislinn lay with her blankie draped over her and her head on her bunny shaped pillow. She held a stuffed lamb to her chest and was sucking the pacifier she hadn't used since she was a year old. Nicholas was sitting up with his back against the rails, Tigger tucked under one arm and the thumb he had never given up still firmly wedged in his mouth. One of Abbey's hands lay across the bed, across her children, stroking brows and cheeks and running her fingers through silky hair while she read. Zoey smiled, remembering the battle she still waged at times for her parents to realize that she was all grown up and capable of making her own decisions, her own mistakes. Right now, she nostalgically wished that she were a child again – that her mother would come to her room to read _Charlotte's Web_ , _What Katy Did_ , _Black Beauty_ , _Little Women_ or anything by Jane Austen. There had been such safety back then knowing that her mother could make anything better. 

Instinctively, she had always known that her mother would never let anyone or anything hurt her but now she truly knew to what lengths Abbey would go to prove that those feelings were reality. Zoey had never realized just how brave or how fierce her mother could be until she had watched her battling those terrorists. Her mother had risked her life time and time again to keep her and Aislinn safe. Her mother had given her body to a man who was evil incarnate just so she and Aislinn could escape and had then paid the price for her betrayal in ways that Zoey didn't even know. A sob of guilt caught in her throat and before she was seen or heard, she moved from the nursery to her bedroom. 

Her bedroom. The farmhouse was so big she'd never had to share her room with either of her sisters. This room had been hers since she was a baby and it had been decorated in the soft pastels her mother had chosen while she was pregnant. The room had evolved as she had grown up. The pink and white flowers of a little girl with the pretty white lace canopy bed and her dollhouses had given way to the soft lavender walls and horse posters of a pre-teen, which had then given way to the plain yellow walls and blue curtains of her teenage years, the horse posters replaced by sexy male movie stars and pop stars. At each step of the way, her mother had allowed her the free reign to express her individuality with her own color choices and wall hangings. They had always had such fun re-decorating. The walls were still a pale yellow but now only a navy blue banner from Georgetown adorned them; the poster of Paris had been torn down as soon as she got home. Her riding trophies were in a custom-made shelf engraved with horse etchings that her parents had given her for Christmas when she was sixteen, and her bookshelves were still crammed with her favorite books from childhood until today. _Goodnight Moon_ had its place along with _Nancy Drew_ and _Trixie Belden_ and all of James Herriott's novels and more recent additions like Amy Tan's _The Joy Luck Club_ and _Cane River_ , two novels her mother had recommended to her. Both her parents were avid readers and had encouraged her and her sisters to follow in their footsteps. It was not uncommon to walk into the Bartlets' family room and find the TV off and everyone sprawled out reading. 

Zoey moved from the bookshelves to her computer desk. The desk was placed next to her window so she could look out over the paddocks and watch the horses while she did homework or chatted with friends online. Little stick'um notes covered her monitor and a couple of textbooks lay on the edge. It was all as she had left it, yet she felt so different, so much inside her had changed and yet, nothing here had changed at all. Time had stood still here but it had not stood still for her or for the rest of her family. With a terrible pang of longing, she wished that she were the carefree child and teenager that she had been. That once again her mama could make things all better for her. But could she? She was an adult now. She had made a very adult mistake and her family had paid the price for that. 

Unable to settle into her room, afraid as the dusk moved to darkness, she made her way to find the woman who had always been able to calm her, knock some sense into her, make her feel safe. She moved to find her mother. 

There was still light coming from the nursery but that was because her mother had left on all the nightlights and an additional lamp to keep Aislinn from being scared, but she was gone. Zoey padded barefoot down the stairs. She could hear the music as she made her descent. It was classical, some kind of haunting, melancholy cello music and she knew where she would find her mother. 

**** 

The library had always been her parents' room, as much as the family room was where she and her sisters banged around. Growing up, late in the evenings when she couldn't sleep or was coming home from dates, she'd often find them in there stretched out on the leather couch in front of a blazing fire listening to classical music and reading or grading papers. Usually one would be lying down with the other's head in his or her lap. It was comforting to find them like that. In a world of divorce and separations and single parents, there had been safety in seeing the loving closeness that her parents shared, even when it embarrassed her those times that she had walked in to find them doing more than just reading. The fact that her parents enjoyed "making out" was just a fact of life for Zoey. Tonight, though, entering that room was not so comforting. Her father was a thousand miles away and her mother was alone – brooding – if the music was any indication. 

Zoey entered the room; found her mother not on the couch she often shared with her father but in a comfortable overstuffed chair. Her glasses were still perched on her nose, her book lay flat on her chest and she was asleep. Zoey smiled down at her tenderly, gently removed her glasses and laid a quilt over her. She inhaled deeply the familiar scent of the room, the slight mustiness of old books and leather, the burning wood, the spicy orange and cinnamon potpourri and candles, and under it all, the faint scent of the lemon used to polish the wood. She took in the pictures that graced the room – her parents framed degrees, her father's Nobel Prize – all so familiar, all so safe. She grabbed another quilt for herself and, feeling like a total infant, curled up on the leather couch to sleep just a few feet from her mother. She wondered how Aislinn did it. Her baby sister was only two and she was able to sleep on her own, why couldn't she? 

**** 

The nightmare hit her when it always did, when she was most vulnerable her guard completely down. She could feel his hands on her – rough and punishing – holding her back while the other man dangled a screaming Aislinn in front of her, swinging her back and forth as if to throw her against the wall. She tried to break free, tried to get to her little girl but just as she pulled away, the grinning bastard let her tiny daughter go – her shriek of pain as she hit the ground reverberating through Abbey's brain. The scream stuck in her throat and she gasped for air, her eyes frantically scanning the dark room for her captors. Her heart was pounding fiercely but began to slow as she took in her familiar surroundings – her daughter sleeping on the couch, her husband's desk, and the endless walls of books. She was in the library at the farm. She was at home. She threw the quilt from her lap and pulled her blouse away from her sweaty skin taking slow steadying breaths to calm her racing heart and shaking hands. And then, as she leaned back against the chair, she heard it again. It was not just in her nightmares. She heard the awful plaintive shrieking of her youngest daughter. Abbey leapt from the chair and raced up the stairs. Nicholas met her in the upstairs hall. He was crying incoherently, obviously distressed by his sister's terror. Abbey whisked him up into her arms and ran into the nursery. Aislinn was still in the crib tossing and turning, crying, and giving a loud shriek every so often as she had when Hassan Al Khaleel had wrapped his hands around her tiny neck. Hearing her carry on like that sliced through Abbey. She had soothed her children through many nightmares but never had she heard anything akin to the terror in Aislinn's screams. She set Nicholas down and leaned over the crib. Aislinn was still sleeping; it was the only reason that she was making any noise. 

"Aislinn…baby…it's okay." Abbey picked the sweating, hysterical child up holding her tightly in her arms. "It's okay, sweetheart. Mama's got you now…Wake up, baby…Oh, God, angel, please stop crying…please baby…It's okay. You're safe…Mama's got you." 

Aislinn woke with a gasp and looked up at Abbey with confused, scared eyes. 

"You're safe, baby girl." Abbey ran her hand over Aislinn's cheek wiping away her tears. "Mama's right here. I'm not going to let anyone hurt you, sweetness." 

Aislinn clutched on to her mother's neck as if her very life depended on clinging to Abbey. Her sobs almost immediately gave way to harsh little hiccups as she tried desperately to keep from making any noise. 

"It's okay to cry, honey," Abbey soothed. Now that she was awake, Abbey would give anything to hear those heart wrenching sobs again. This silence was somehow so much worse. "You can cry just as loud as you want." 

Aislinn shook her head negatively and Abbey felt the little tremors shake her body as she fought to keep control of the hysterics that still warred within her. Abbey couldn't stand her daughter's terror and pain and the fact that there was nothing that she could do to help her. Tears of impotence began to run down her cheeks as she rocked her in her arms. 

"Mumma…" Nicholas tugged at her jeans looking up at her with plaintive scared eyes. "Don't cwy, Mumma…I make you happy." He wrapped his arms around her leg and laid his cheek against her knee. After all, his mama was always telling him that getting a hug from him made her happy. Abbey's heart swelled with love for her beautiful, loving little boy as he tried to comfort her the only way he knew. 

Abbey sighed and stroked his soft fair hair. "You're my little man, aren't you?" Her words were choked out and Nicholas looked back up at her his eyes serious and somehow older than his 2-½ years. "Sometimes it just makes Mommy sad when you and Aislinn cry. But I'm okay now and Aislinn's okay, too." 

"Why Azlinn cwy?" He wanted to know. 

"Aislinn had a bad dream about monsters. Do you want to help me make her feel better?" 

Nicholas nodded and took his mother's proffered hand. Needing some fresh air, Abbey led the children out onto the wide expanse of porch and settled down into a deep Adirondack chair with both of them snuggled on her lap. Aislinn's face still lay buried in the curve of her neck, her little fist clutching at Abbey's hair. Nicholas was not nearly so fierce. He lay relaxed against her breasts, his hand mimicking her soothing movements over Aislinn's back. It was a warm, sultry late August night and Abbey gazed up at the clear night sky taking in the sparkling stars and the bright luminous white moon. Like Jed, Abbey was used to being in control. She was a surgeon; she used to play God on a daily basis. But now, everything was spinning wildly out of her control and she was at a loss as to how to get things on an even keel again. Fear stabbed crazily at her as she wondered if she were up to the task. While she worried and pondered the future, she felt the moment her daughter fell back to sleep her body relaxing from the rigid terror that had consumed her and she knew that there was no "if she were up to the task". She HAD to be up for the task. These were her children; this was her life. She had to make it all right again for all of them. 

"I can handle this," she whispered into her children's hair, tears burning in her eyes. "I'm going to get all of you through this." Again, her eyes moved to the beauty of the night sky and her traitorous thoughts moved to the person who should be sharing this burden with her – the person that she had completely shut out from helping her. But, just when she was about to waiver over whether or not that had been the right thing to do, she reminded herself that if not for what Jed had done to Abdul Shareef, she might not be here right now with two terrified toddlers and an older daughter who couldn't make it through the night in her own bedroom. No, she didn't need Jed to help them get through this; she would do that all on her own. 

**** 

It had taken Jed hours to fall asleep, and when he finally did succumb to the weariness of his body, it was not a restful sleep. It was fitful – filled with horrific images of his wife being raped, his daughter being tortured, his little girl screaming for her daddy to help her, and all the while, a large picture of him graced the wall of the trailer. Every time Khaleel hurt them, every time he thrust into his wife, every time he made them scream in pain he pointed at that picture. 

"It's because of him," he accused. "Everything we do to you is because of him." 

Jed woke with a jolt to find his body drenched with sweat, his cheeks wet with tears. He swung his legs over the side of the bed and sat exhausted in boxers and a T-shirt, his face in his hands, his heart weighted with sadness. 

"I never meant for any of this to happen," he whispered to the empty room. "I never meant for any of you to be hurt." 

Wearily he got to his feet, splashed some cold water on his face and made his way out to the Truman balcony where he and Abbey had often dined on particularly warm evenings. As he opened the glass doors to step outside, he turned to one of the agents and put his hand out. 

"I need one." 

Both agents knew what he was referring to, but they had had the fear of God put into them by the First Lady and were reluctant to give in to their Commander-in-Chief's bad habit. As tired as he was, Jed was not immune to the reluctant undercurrents. 

"Look, the warden's off duty. You don't have to worry about being caught." 

The men shared a glance. Both could see how haggard the President looked. They had heard him shouting his wife's name a couple of times, obviously in the throw of some terrible nightmare, and now it was 3:00 a.m. and he was still awake. With a sigh of regret, one of the men dug into his jacket pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes, shaking one out and handing it to the President. Jed nodded his thanks and lit the cigarette as he stepped out on to the balcony. 

Taking a deep drag off the burning ember, Jed leaned heavily against the stone railing, his face lifted to the sky, reminding himself that even if she were a thousand miles away, this was the same moon that was shining down on Abbey tonight, the same stars that glittered and sparkled over the roof of his sleeping children. 

Jed kept his face lifted to the heavens, his voice filled with pain. "God, please help her find it in her heart to forgive me. Please…" 

But, even as he spoke, even as he asked for forgiveness, he knew that even if Abbey found a way to forgive him, he would never be able to forgive himself. 


	3. Finding Our Way Back Home

Abbey awoke the next morning to the sun warming her face; the birds singing and the scent of flowers carried on the gentle breeze that ruffled her hair. Her children still lay heavy in her arms; they had all fallen asleep on the porch. She felt their soft warm breath against her chest and neck, listened to the soft sighs that they made as they slept. She let the sweetness of the moment and the peace and quiet envelope her and she made a promise to herself and to her children. There would be no more moping around, no more crying and sleeping the day away. She was going to pull herself together and work on healing the wounds of her family. Never again did she want her two-year-old son to feel the responsibility of making her happy. It was a gorgeous day and she was going to take advantage of that. 

**** 

By the time Zoey woke up on the couch in the library, she could hear sounds coming from the kitchen. She found the twins fully dressed and seated in their booster seats at the kitchen table eating scrambled egg and little triangle wedges of toast for breakfast. Her mother was standing in front of an open picnic basket and slathering peanut butter on slices of bread. She had obviously been up for a while since she had already showered. Her hair was still damp and she was dressed in old faded denim shorts, a Red Sox T-shirt and sneakers. 

"Going somewhere?" Zoey asked. 

"We all are. We're going to spend the day down at the pond." 

"I think I'll just stay here and read or something." Zoey grabbed one of the apple slices Abbey had placed in a baggie and popped it into her mouth. 

"You're not going to sit around the house moping all day. It's a gorgeous day. We're going to all get outside and enjoy it. Put your bathing suit on, we may even take a dip." 

Zoey sighed noncommittally and sat next to Aislinn who gave her a big grin, drooling scrambled eggs and ketchup down her chin. "Great table manners, kiddo." Zoey wiped the mess from her sister's chin while Nicholas continued to shovel scrambled egg into his mouth. 

Abbey turned to watch the three of them, her breath catching in her throat with pride. They were so beautiful, these heaven-sent gifts from God. She knew that all mothers thought their children were beautiful, but hers truly were. Just looking at them could fill Abbey's chest with a love so over powering, so all consuming, it caused a lump to form in her throat. And when they looked at her with her and Jed's eyes, she had to turn away for a moment before they saw the shine of tears in hers. 

**** 

"My God, you look like hell, Mr. President." 

Jed entered the Oval Office with a mug of coffee in one hand, a briefcase in the other. It was already his third cup and it had done nothing to alleviate his bad mood. 

"Thank you, Leo. It's a good thing I'm not competing for 'Miss America'." 

"I'm serious. You look exhausted. Did you get any sleep last night?" 

"Enough." Jed's tone was terse, dismissive. 

"I heard you were still up at 3 a.m." 

"What are you, my father? Keeping tabs on me to make sure I'm in by curfew?" 

Leo knew the sarcasm was not meant for him. Jed was hurting and he was lashing out at the only person available at the moment. 

"I'm worried about you. It isn't good for you to be up all night. I know you don't sleep well when Abbey isn't home but you've got to find a way to get some rest." 

"Just what do you suggest that I do?" 

"I don't know. Maybe laying in bed trying would work better than smoking out on the Truman balcony." 

"Well, gee, Leo. I hadn't thought of that. You think I should TRY to go to sleep? Well, you know what? Believe it or not, I TRIED to go to sleep. But do you know what happens when I do? Well, that's when the nightmares hit me. I close my eyes and I see those masked men grabbing my wife and my daughters and shoving them into the back of a van. I close my eyes and I see those sick bastards breaking my two-year-old's arm and I hear her screaming for her 'daddy'. I close my eyes and I see my daughter crawling through the woods with her baby sister in her arms being hunted like some kind of animal. I close my eyes and I see those bastards burning my wife's breasts with cigarettes, I see them raping her and dammit, Leo, I hear her screams, over and over and over!" He slammed his mug down on the desk sloshing hot coffee over the side. "I hear Abbey's screams of pain and I wake up sweating and nauseous and even though I'm awake, I still hear those awful cries in my head. You really think I want to go to sleep?" 

Leo stood transfixed, visibly shaken by Jed's outburst and by the knowledge of what exactly had happened to Abigail Bartlet while she was held in captivity. "I'm calling Stanley." 

"I have an appointment with Stanley next week." 

"You need Stanley now, Jed. You can't go on like this." 

**** 

Abbey led the children along the edge of the orchard toward the pond. It warmed her heart to watch her toddlers squat down to examine fallen green apples and fuzzy brown caterpillars and pick up sticks to throw for the dogs to fetch as if the traumas of the previous night had never occurred. 

"Makes you almost feel normal, doesn't it?" Zoey asked, nodding toward her siblings who were now chasing a butterfly down the hill. 

"We are normal, Zoey." 

"Yeah, sure we are." Zoey gave her mother a sad smile and set off after her brother and sister. 

Abbey sighed and followed the trio. She was enjoying the warmth of the day, the sun on her face, the gentle breeze with just a hint of a chill to let them know that fall was just around the corner. Abbey was a New England girl to the core. Other than her college years in Indiana, the few years she and Jed had lived in London and these past few years in the White House, she had spent her entire life in this beautiful, tempestuous part of the country. It was a built-in part of the New England character to gripe about the weather, especially the long sometimes seemingly endless winters. Abbey was not one of those complainers. She found enjoyment and merit in all four of the very distinct seasons. She enjoyed the winter – the silent solitude of snowshoeing through the woods, cozy weekends skiing in the mountains, and reading in front of a blazing fire. She enjoyed the budding warmth of the very short fecund spring – the singing birds returning from the south, baby calves frolicking in the fields and the sweet scent of boiling sap from the maple sugar shack filling the air. She enjoyed the long hot summer days – reading on the wide shaded porch, sunning herself on the dock and swimming in the pond and then later the cooler summer nights barbecuing burgers on the back patio and listening to the Red Sox on the radio. But the season that she truly enjoyed the most was the fall, when for a couple of very short months, nature put on a spectacle that people all over the world came to enjoy – when the hills of New England were ablaze with red, orange and yellow leaves, the sky a brilliant clear blue background. She loved hiking through the woods on those crisp cool days taking in the beauty of her surroundings and smelling the pungent pine trees and the faint smoke of burning leaves. She loved hayrides and candy apples and the scent of simmering apple cider and cinnamon in her warm beautiful home and she longed for the day they would be back here for good. 

"MOM! We're waiting for you!" 

Abbey gazed down the hill to where Zoey and the twins now stood wading in the pond. Max had already thrown himself into the water and Panda was pacing next to the children just barely getting her paws wet. She felt the tension release from her body. They were safe here, safe in this peaceful place where her children could just be children, free from any prying, curious eyes. Coming north had been the right decision. She hadn't been quite so sure of that yesterday but today her resolve was stronger. They were right where they should be. 

**** 

"You summoned me?" Dr. Stanley Keyworth entered the President's study. Stanley was under no illusions; the President met him in the more impersonal study rather than in his living quarters for a reason. Jed Bartlet was a complicated man. Stanley had only been allowed to scratch the surface of his complexity. He knew that there were strong personal feelings deep inside the man that he rarely showed to anyone. Well, anyone but the First Lady, and if what he'd heard was true, the First Lady was up in New Hampshire, which was probably why he was here. 

"Leo summoned you." Jed's tone was cool. This would not be an easy session. 

"Do you think there might have been a reason for that?" 

"Gee, I don't know Stanley. You tell me." 

"I think you're having some problems." 

Jed gave a harsh snort of derision. "My wife and daughters were kidnapped. My two-year-old's arm was broken. My wife was tortured and raped. Yeah, I'd say I have a few problems." 

"And now Mrs. Bartlet has left." 

"Yup. She took the children and left." 

"And you're angry." 

"Angry?" Jed turned to him with surprise. "No, I'm not angry." 

"It's okay to be angry. She took your children and she left you." 

"She didn't leave me!" Jed flashed. "I mean it's not like we're separated or anything. She thought the kids would heal better away from here, away from the goldfish bowl." 

"Perfectly valid reasons for leaving. But, you're still angry." 

"How can I be angry? For God's sake, if you knew what she WENT through." Jed rubbed his weary eyes. "How can I be angry?" 

"Because anger is an honest human emotion. It's not always rational. Why don't you tell me why you're angry?" 

"It's not because she left. I understand that. It's the way she left. She knew I couldn't come with her. She's shutting me out when all I want to do is be there for her and help her through this." 

"Of course you do. You love her. But, you know, sometimes people have to work things out on their own. It sounds to me like Mrs. Bartlet is going to be wrestling some pretty powerful demons and sometimes when that happens, the last person you want watching you is someone who loves you." 

"It's just… It isn't like her to close me out like this, to shut off her emotions. Other than after our son died she's never really done that. That's one of the things that I love most about Abbey. She is completely honest in everything that she feels; I never have to guess with her. When she's pissed, she yells. When she's sad, she cries. When she's happy, she laughs. Oh, publicly she'll put on a good face but privately when she can be herself, she is as honest as they come." 

"How would you have liked Mrs. Bartlet to have responded to this?" 

"I wanted her to rip into to me, yell at me, scream at me, throw things at me and then when she was emotionally drained, let me pull her into my arms and make love to her to make her feel better." 

"And then all would be well?" 

"Of course." 

"Sounds like a Band-Aid to me. Do you always use sex to heal things between you and your wife?" 

"I do what works. And, let me tell you – that works." 

"I'm sure that it does. For most things. But, maybe that's one of the reasons Mrs. Bartlet left. Maybe she doesn't want a Band-Aid placed over this wound, maybe it's too big for that." 

"And maybe you're full of shit." 

Jed got up and paced the room. He hated thinking that what Stanley said made sense. 

"Look, Abbey and I have been together since she was nineteen and I was twenty-one, married a little over a year later. All marriages have their ups and downs especially when you've been together as long as we have. Abbey and I take our commitment to each other and to our vows very seriously. I promised to be there for her 'for better or for worse'. I want her to let me in and help her through the 'worse' to find her way to the 'better'. That's all I want." 

"Have you told her that?" 

"She's not ready to listen to what I have to say." 

"Are you two speaking at all?" 

"I'll be talking to her about the children. She may not want to speak with me personally, but those are my kids that she has up there and I plan to be a part of their treatment." 

"Well, that's good. At least that is a line of communication that's still open to you. Don't let her close it. I'm sure that in good time Mrs. Bartlet will come to see that she needs you. In the meantime, I'd like you to keep a journal." 

"I already keep a journal. You know, for when I write my presidential memoirs." 

"Not that kind of journal. I don't want to know about meetings and budget problems. I want you to keep a journal of your feelings. I think you'll find it a lot easier to sleep if you can vent your emotions on paper. If you have a nightmare, don't toss and turn or go out to have a cigarette. Write it down on paper. Write down how the dream made you feel. If you're frustrated or lonely, write it down." 

"I don't think I'm comfortable with that." 

"I won't be reading it. This is for you and you only. Be as honest as you can be. I'm going to promise you; it will help." 

**** 

A day of fun in the sun was exactly what Abbey and her children needed and it was exactly what they got. The kids splashed in the shallow water along the shore and played with their buckets and spades with Abbey while Zoey stretched out in the grass to soak up the sun and relax. It was quiet here, restful. There was no hustle and bustle of White House staffers moving in and out, no intrusion from the press, no groups of Secret Service agents monitoring their every move. Oh, the agents were present in full force, but they stayed pretty much along the perimeters of the farm and Abbey and the children rarely saw them except at a distance. Yes, life was indeed much different here at the farm. 

At lunchtime, Abbey spread out a blanket on the grassy knoll overlooking the water and pulled out the picnic hamper doling out sandwiches, carrot sticks, apple slices and juice boxes. As she'd expected, Aislinn refused the juice box and Abbey ended up pouring the juice into the "bubba" that she had seen her mother put in the hamper. When her children were finally settled in with their food and bottles, Abbey leaned back against a tree and took a bite from her sandwich. 

"Mumma." Nicholas looked up at Abbey with a mouthful of his peanut butter and jelly sandwich. "We go boat?" 

"Chew with your mouth closed, Nicholas," Abbey chided. "And yes, after lunch I'll take you out in the rowboat." 

Aislinn clapped her hands with glee and surreptitiously fed a piece of her sandwich crust to Panda. The little Sheltie was lying across Aislinn's leg looking up at her with hopeful sweet black eyes. 

"Well, she knows where her bread is buttered." Abbey shook her head. "Aislinn, I've asked you not to feed the dog at the table." 

"Technically, Mom, we aren't at the table." Zoey dipped her carrot stick in the bowl of ranch dressing and stuck the piece in her mouth. Aislinn gave her big sister a wide grin and nodded her head. 

"Don't egg her on," Abbey warned. But, she was smiling when she spoke. She enjoyed watching the bond her older children had with her youngest two. 

"What are big sisters for?" Zoey winked at Aislinn. "We Bartlet girls gotta stick together, right, Ash?" 

Aislinn nodded, still smiling ear to ear. She obviously worshipped her big sister. 

"Me too, me too." Nicholas plopped himself down on Zoey's lap. 

"Would I forget about you, Nicky-man? We're buds, right?" She stuck a closed fist out at him. 

"Wight!" Nicky made a fist and smacked his knuckles against hers in a gesture of camaraderie that she had taught him. 

"Hmmm," Abbey grumped good-naturedly. "It looks like I'm getting ganged up on here." 

"No." Nicky got to his feet and toddled over to where his mother was putting things away in the hamper. "Mumma bud, too." He held out his fist in a peace offering. 

"Well, I'm glad I'm your bud." Abbey laughed and tapped her knuckles against his little fist. "Now, who's ready to go boating?" 

**** 

Water had always had a soothing effect on Abbey. She supposed it was in her genes. The descendent of privateers and whalers, she had grown up on the ocean and had spent her entire life near some body of water. Whenever they'd had to move Jed had made sure that they were, if not within spitting distance, at least close enough to the water for her to be able to see it from their home. In the beginning it had all been rivers. In London, it had been the famous Thames, in Boston, the busy Charles, and in Hanover, the picturesque lazy meandering Connecticut. Later, at the farm, she had the pond and the rollicking brook that fed it, and in Washington, their weekend home on the banks of beautiful Chesapeake Bay. There had even been times when she had discreetly snuck out of the White House with just a couple of agents to stroll along the Potomac when the cherry blossoms were in bloom. 

Jed. Abbey laid the wet paddle across her thighs allowing the rowboat to skim silently over the water and sighed. Even a thousand miles away from him, her husband was constantly invading her thoughts. Maybe that's what happened when you allowed another person so deeply inside of you that they truly became a part of you. Your other half – spouses were often referred to that way, but she'd been around long enough to know that all marriages were not like that. Hers was. Their connection was deep, profound, and all consuming and she knew that it was because they were so close, because they felt so deeply, that she was so hurt and so angry with him. If she didn't love him so damn much, this wouldn't hurt nearly as badly as it was hurting her now. 

Zoey could see the sadness filling her mother's eyes, the tightness that came over her face and knew that she was thinking about her father. She knew her mother was upset about finding out about Abdul Shareef on TV, but there had to be more to it than that. Her parents loved each other very deeply, and while they could argue with the best of them, it was not like her mother to close off like this; her father was more apt to close off than she was. 

"So, Mom. How long are we staying here, anyway?" 

Abbey was drawn from her melancholy thoughts by her daughter's question. 

"Why? Are you ready to row back?" 

"I don't mean out here on the water. I mean here at the farm. How long are we going to be here? You must have a plan." 

"No, Zoey. Surprisingly enough, I don't have a plan. I'm winging this one." 

"You're winging it?" 

"Yes. This is all new to me, Zo. I'm doing the best that I can. Right now, this is where I need to be; it's where I think all of us need to be. I don't know how long it's going to take for everyone to heal. I don't think that's anything that can be planned." 

Zoey was silent as she absorbed Abbey's words. She knew that what her mother was saying made sense but this distance between her parents still scared her. The only time she'd ever remotely seen them this distant was back when her father had made the decision to run for President again after he'd told them all that he wasn't going to. But, somehow, that had been different. 

"Look, honey, I know you miss your dad, but you can call him whenever you want." 

"It isn't the same." 

Abbey thought of the love that Jed had for his children, his boyish enthusiasm in playing with them and teasing them, and the warmth of his big bear hugs. "No," she sighed. "I suppose it isn't. But, as soon as he sorts this mess out and gets a vice-president confirmed he'll be up for a visit." 

"I'm looking forward to that." 

"I'm sure you are." But, Abbey wasn't sure if she was. She had so much to sort out. She wasn't sure she was ready for Jed to waltz in and try to charm her into forgiving him. She needed more than that this time. She needed him to feel just how much he'd hurt her, to understand how wrong that he had been, to realize just how close that they had come to losing their children. Having him groveling on his knees and begging for her forgiveness wasn't such a bad idea either, she thought with a half-smile at the insane image of Jed Bartlet on his knees pleading with her to forgive him. He was far too strong a man for that, especially when his silence on the subject told her quite loudly that he didn't believe that he'd done anything wrong. 

Abbey felt tugging on her shirt and looked down to see Aislinn, her little head framed by her life jacket pointing to ripples on the calm surface of the pond. 

"What did you see, baby?" 

Frustrated, Aislinn tried to convey to her mother what she had seen but failed miserably. Before she could get too upset over her lack of communication skills, Nicholas, who was quickly becoming his sister's voice for her, answered their mother. 

"Fishy, Mumma." 

Aislinn flashed her brother a grateful smile, then turned apologetic eyes to her mother. Abbey tried to react as if this way of communication between them was normal. 

"You saw a fish jump?" 

Aislinn nodded. Abbey could see that she was pleased that she had been understood, but she couldn't help but wonder just how long Nicholas could be her voice. How long it would be until her baby girl would be the chatterbox that she had once been? Would she ever be that happy-go-lucky little girl again? 

**** 

Jed sat at his desk in his study in the Residence staring at the blank page before him. He'd been staring at the page for the past half-hour trying to do as Stanley had requested. For a man who was considered to be quite verbose, this was not coming as easily as he'd thought that it would. Somehow, he just couldn't seem to convey the utterly overwhelming pain that he was experiencing at the moment. Words like sad, depressed, dejected, lonely, isolated, all seemed woefully inadequate to express the deep melancholy that he was experiencing. Finally, he shoved the notebook aside and grabbed the phone. He'd called the farm earlier but Isabelle said Abbey and the kids were out spending the day by the pond. It was so easy to picture them there, the twins blond heads gleaming under the brilliant sun while they giggled and splashed in the water. Abbey in a sleek bathing suit and sunglasses, long shapely legs tucked up underneath her as she kneeled at the water's edge keeping an ever-watchful eye on the kids. Zoey swimming out to the floating raft in the middle of the pond and pulling herself up to lay in the sun. How he wished he were there. 

**** 

"Wiped out, are they?" Isabelle met Abbey at the door. She was carrying a tired Aislinn in her arms while Zoey held Nicholas. 

"A day in the sun and water will do it every time," Abbey smiled. 

"Those came for you while you were out." 

Abbey turned to see a big bouquet of red roses on the table. 

"They're from the President." 

As if they would be from anyone else, Abbey mused. Without a word, she handed Aislinn over to the nanny and moved to the flowers pulling out the small card. 

> _"Abbey, you're the one who taught me that the colors of roses have meaning. Red is love, respect, courage and passion. I love you with all my heart. I respect you more than you'll ever know. I think you're the most courageous person that I've ever met, and my passion for you knows no bounds. Love, Jed."_

Tears blurred Abbey's eyes. 

"See, he does love you, Mom." Zoey placed a hand on her mother's shoulder. 

"I've never questioned your father's love for me, Zoey." Abbey ran a finger under her eye to catch the fallen tear and gave a start as the phone rang. She picked it up without thinking. 

"Hello?" 

Jed swallowed. It was Abbey. Her voice was husky just the way that it was in the dark when she was sleepy, sexy, satiated. 

"Abbey." 

Abbey's hand closed tightly on the phone. Just the sound of his voice could cause powerful emotions to well inside of her. No, she wasn't ready for this yet. She wasn't ready to forgive him. 

"Hello, Jed." Her voice had changed. It was colder now, indifferent. Jed mourned for the loss his warm, accessible wife. 

"Did you get my flowers?" 

"I did. Thank you. They're lovely." 

"How are things going up there?" Their conversations were rarely this stilted and formal. 

"Fine. We're getting settled in. I got the number of a good pediatric psychiatrist and Aislinn and Zoey have appointments with her tomorrow." 

In spite of their problems, Abbey knew how important it would be for Jed to stay abreast on what was happening with his kids. They were married; they shared five children together and those children were just as important to him as they were to her. As a couple they were going through a rough spot, but as parents they had to remain open and united. 

"What's her name?" Jed needed to know just who was going to be delving into the psyche of his children. 

"Tyler. Dr. Grace Tyler." Abbey gazed down at the little boy who was now wide-awake and tugging at her shorts for attention. 

"Daddy, Daddy, Daddy…" Nicholas was dancing at his mother's legs. 

"It looks like I have somebody here who's dying to talk to you." 

Jed sighed. It wasn't that he didn't want to talk to his children, but he would have preferred a few more minutes with Abbey. 

"DADDY!" 

Jed grinned, yanking the phone away from his ear at his son's enthusiastic and very LOUD greeting. 

"Hey, little guy. How's it going?" 

"I BIG guy, Daddy." 

Jed laughed at the insult in Nicky's tone. 

"Well, I guess you are. Are you being good for your mother?" 

"I be good. I see fishy in pond." 

"There are a lot of fish in the pond. Maybe when I come home we can go fishing." 

"Catch fishy. Mumma no like worms." 

Jed chuckled sadly. "I know your mother doesn't like worms. That's why I'll have to take you and Aislinn fishing." 

"An' we catch 'manders, too?" 

"I think we could go looking for salamanders, too. I miss you, buddy. I can't wait to see you again and give you great big hugs and kisses." 

"I miss you too, Daddy. Daddy come home?" 

"As soon as I can get things finished up here, I'll be flying up to see you." 

"On big pane?" 

"Yup, on the big plane." 

"Panda, NO!" Nicholas dropped the phone and raced away after the dog that was now carrying his new blue ball in her mouth. Jed could hear him yelling at Panda to drop his ball but other than that there was silence on the line. He was about to hang up when he heard the tentative voice. 

"Jed, are you still there?" 

It was Abbey. 

"I'm still here." 

"Panda just ran off with Nicky's new ball." 

"So I heard." 

"Well, I guess if that's it…" 

"Wait, is Aislinn there?" 

"She fell asleep on the walk back. She didn't sleep well last night." 

Jed swallowed back the pain of that statement. His little girl was having nightmares and he wasn't there to comfort her. "May I speak with Zoey, then?" 

"Of course." Abbey handed the phone off to Zoey and went off to make sure there wasn't a huge squabble between the dog and her son. 

When she had made the decision to leave the White House and come here alone with the children, she knew that it would be hard on Jed. What she hadn't counted on was just how difficult it was going to be on her. 

**** 

Jed hung up the phone, tears burning in his eyes. His chest felt tight with pain and a lump clogged his throat. He eyed the discarded notebook on the edge of his desk and picked up his pen. He stared for a long moment at the blank page and then he began. 

> _"Dearest Abigail…"_


	4. Finding Our Way Back Home

"Aislinn, honey, I'm sorry. I just don't know what you want." Abbey's tone was sharper than she had intended. She was as frustrated by not being able to communicate with her daughter as Aislinn was at not being understood by her mother and watching the little girl throwing herself on the floor in a silent but furious temper tantrum wasn't helping matters. Toddlers had temper tantrums, that was a fact of life and Abbey had been through it all three times before. But, this was different. Aislinn wasn't having a fit because she was overtired or not getting her way; she was frustrated and upset because she couldn't make herself understood and it ate at Abbey that she couldn't figure out what her child wanted. She thought about waking Nicholas up from his nap to see if he could decipher his sister's needs but thought the better of that. He was just a little boy; it wasn't his responsibility to be his sister's interpreter. 

"Rough day?" Grace Tyler peeked in through the screen door in the kitchen. Aislinn and Zoey had only had a couple of sessions with the woman but Abbey already felt as if the she were a friend. Grace was a pretty, dark haired woman, close to Abbey in age and with the two of them both being doctors and working so closely together to help Zoey and Aislinn there had been an instant rapport. 

"You could say that." Abbey blew her bangs off her forehead as she bent to lift Aislinn off the floor. The little girl was sweating and worn out from her emotional fit. "I just don't know what to do, Grace. She's so frustrated. I can't understand why she doesn't just come out and tell me what she wants. I mean, physically she CAN speak." 

"Fear is a tricky thing, Abbey. I'm sure she wants to. She just can't force herself to do it. But, I have been thinking about this communication issue and I brought you some books." 

Abbey took one of the books. "American Sign Language?" She gave Grace a puzzled look. "You think we should learn sign language?" 

"It can't hurt." 

"But…" Abbey's heart began to pound erratically. This not speaking thing was supposed to be temporary. "Isn't this kind of drastic? I mean Aislinn CAN speak, she just won't. It shouldn't be that long until she speaks again, should it?" 

"I don't know, Abbey. The mind is different from every other part of the body. I know that as a surgeon it's hard for you to grasp that. You want me to fix Aislinn, but that isn't so easy. In your line of work you see a problem in the body and you fix it. You repair it or you cut it out. It doesn't work that way for me. It's going to take a lot of time and patience and love to heal that little girl." 

"I know," Abbey sighed. "I was just hoping…Oh, I guess I was hoping for a miracle. That you'd meet with Aislinn, figure out what was wrong with her and tell me what to do to make it better. As a doctor, I should have known better." 

"You're also a mother." Grace gave her a sympathetic smile. "Don't be so hard on yourself. Of course you wanted me to walk in and fix her. What mother wouldn't? We will be able to help her, Abbey. It just may take some time. In the meantime, wouldn't it be nice to be able to communicate with her in some way. We've found that children who are mute, for whatever reason, do respond well to sign language. Aislinn wants to communicate with you. We can see that. She just doesn't want to speak. With your permission, I'd like to start working with her during the session today." 

Abbey nodded. It hadn't been easy to watch her daughter's frustration level grow every day. There had to be something that she could do to help her. "You have my permission. Will you work with me too, so I can speak to her?" 

"Of course. And, I'll leave the book with you, so you and your husband can practice. Is the President is still planning on coming up for the weekend?" 

"Yes, he'll be here at the end of the week." 

"Good, we'll teach Aislinn to say something special for her daddy." 

"That will be nice." Abbey forced a smile. Something special for her daddy? How about saying something special for her mommy. After all, she was the one who was up with her night after night holding her through her night terrors. She was the one who had to make bottles and change diapers and deal with her frustrated tantrums. She was the one who had put her life on the line for her and even when they had been held in captivity, when Aislinn was most terrified, it had been her father that she had screamed for. Abbey heard those screams in her own nightmares. "I wan my DADDY! I wan my DADDY! I wan my DADDY!" 

Abbey shook her head as if clearing those shocking thoughts from her mind. Where had those petty, jealous ideas come from? Had that resentment been laying there festering all this time? Mentally, she chastised herself and closed the door to those feelings of resentment. It wasn't fair to Aislinn. Of course the poor child had wanted her father. Her daddy was a God to her, and in her child's mind she had believed that if her father had been in that room, he wouldn't have allowed her to be hurt. All children hero-worshipped their fathers; she couldn't let that hurt her or cloud her emotions. Just because she was pissed at Jed didn't mean that her children were. But, if Abbey was true to herself, if she looked deeper at the reality of her feelings, there was a part of her that felt the same way Aislinn did – that if Jed had been present, he wouldn't have allowed them to be hurt. She knew the feelings were asinine, that in fact if Jed had been present, she might have been hurt even worse being used as a pawn against her husband. As it was, she had been lucky that for a day and a half, the terrorists hadn't been able to get their feed working. If they had, God only knew what they would have done to her to make Jed react. 

**** 

"You still going home this weekend?" Ellie sat at the kitchen table sharing supper with her father. It had been almost two weeks since her mother had left with Zoey and the twins and she'd been doing her best to keep her father's spirits up. 

"As long as we can avert any major international crises. So, you'll be off the hook for a few days." He smiled tenderly at his middle daughter. This was the second time that she'd come down to D.C. for supper and a movie and she called him at least once a day. The one good thing that had come of this whole mess was this beautiful strengthening bond that was growing with Ellie. Being with Zoey and Elizabeth had always been so easy. They shared the same interests, the same sense of humor. He'd never had to worry about saying the wrong thing, hurting their feelings, but he'd always felt like he was walking on eggshells around Ellie. Not anymore. He was getting to know Ellie, not as his sensitive, shy little girl, but as the brilliant, quiet spoken young woman that she had become. He could tease her now without worrying that he would hurt her feelings and she was able to give it right back to him secure in the knowledge that he loved her and enjoyed spending time with her as much as he did her sisters. 

"I don't feel like I'm on the hook, Dad. I like spending time with you." 

"Wouldn't you rather be spending time with Sam?" He raised an eyebrow at her. 

Ellie blushed. "What do you know about me and Sam?" 

"Honey, I work in the biggest gossip mill on the planet. Eventually, I hear everything. Why didn't YOU tell me that you're dating?" 

"We're not DATING. We've gone on exactly two dates." 

"Sounds like dating to me. Seriously, Ellie. Did you think I wouldn't approve?" 

"I don't know if I approve. I mean me going out with Sam is crazy. He's thirteen years older than I am and… well…he's a politician, for God's sake. " 

"A POLITICIAN, oh heaven's NO." Jed shuddered comically. 

"You know what I mean, Dad." Ellie laughed. "You know how much I hate the spotlight being on me. I don't know what I was thinking going out with Sam." 

"You talk to your mother about it?" Jed tried to sound nonchalant but Ellie could see that he was longing for any tidbit of information about Abbey. 

"Yeah, I have." 

"What did she have to say?" 

"She said that it's the curse of the O'Neill women to fall in love with geniuses." 

"At least she still thinks that I'm a genius." 

"You may be a genius but you still do some stupid things." 

Jed looked at his daughter with surprise. The old Ellie never would have snapped back with that. A slow smile crossed his face. "By God, I do see your mother in you." 

Ellie laughed. It was fun, this new relationship with her dad. Somehow, when she had gone away to college she had lost that old rapport with him and she couldn't be more thrilled to have it back. 

"Of course," Jed continued. "That doesn't explain Doug." 

"Not much explains Doug." Ellie grinned. 

"You couldn't be more right, Ellie girl. Now, when I get back from New Hampshire, you know I'm going to expect you to bring Sam over for supper." 

"Provided I'm still seeing him. I'm just not sure about this, Dad." 

"Ellie, honey. You've got to go where your heart leads you." 

"Are you saying that you actually approve?" This was foreign ground for Ellie. Her father had never approved of any boy or man that she had dated. 

"For the moment. But, just because I personally like Sam doesn't mean that I'm not going to rake him over the coals." 

"As if you could ever miss out on that." 

**** 

Technically, Jed was not alone that evening. It was late when the double feature of _Patriot Games_ and _North by Northwest_ finished and Ellie had decided to spend the night in her room in the Residence. She was sleeping now just down the hall. It was nice to have her there, nice that he would not have to have breakfast alone, but it wasn't the same as having Abbey there. He wanted so badly to talk to her about Ellie's new love interest. To see what her feelings were on the subject and to share his own. He missed discussing his day with her while they got ready for bed and listening to what her own day had been like. She always had such amusing anecdotes and her sharp wit was always good for a chuckle. There was nothing more amusing than listening to Abbey cut some pompous ass down to size. He missed hearing about the twins' antics throughout the day and hearing them giggling and splashing in the tub and running around creating a ruckus while Abbey prepared them for bed. He missed Aislinn begging for one more story and Nicholas asking for more water. He missed tickling them when he got the chance to tuck them in and helping them to say their prayers. More than anything, he missed the laughter of his family. He'd had very little to laugh about lately and the Residence had become almost mausoleum-like. It was as if by leaving, Abbey and the kids had taken with them everything that had made the elegant Residence a home, and left in its place museum rooms that were far too cold and far too silent. Abbey had also left behind a bed that was far too lonely. 

Jed eyed the empty bed with resigned sadness. It wasn't just the sex that he missed. As good as that always was between them; it was the lost intimacy that he ached for. It was the companionship of talking in the dark with his best friend. It was sleeping with his wife wrapped in his arms, feeling her soft curves pressed up against him, inhaling the very feminine scent of her hair and listening to her breathe. 

Instead of crawling into bed, Jed padded over to Abbey's bureau and pulled out the photo album she kept tucked away in her lingerie drawer. She had spent painstaking hours working on a scrapbook for the twins first year of "life". He smiled as he opened the book to the first page. "WE'RE PREGNANT" Abbey had written in bold, beautiful calligraphy. Under the proud proclamation was a posed picture of her standing with him behind her, his hands on her shoulders and hers covering her lower belly. Anyone would be hard pressed to notice that the woman in the photo was pregnant. That wasn't so in the picture right next to the more formal one. Jed felt a chuckle build in his chest as he gazed at the picture. "There you are!" Abbey had written underneath it. In this photo everything was the same except she had lifted her shirt up to just under her breasts to bare the tiny swell that was the beginning of their twins and he was laughing, his hand now on the side of the bare swell. 

Jed continued to finger through the album watching Abbey 's belly grow, her radiance seeming to grow along with her belly. One of his favorite pictures was one that he had taken when Abbey was about seven months pregnant. She was reclining on the couch with her glasses on reading a book called _Childbirth Without Pain_ – a veteran of four births she had gotten a real kick out of that one – and she was wearing one of his blue buttoned down dress shirts, a mug of tea resting on the shelf of her swollen belly. He loved it when she wore his clothes and the un-self-conscious way she was about her body. 

He'd always been fascinated by her lush pregnant body – the heaviness of her breasts as they prepared for nurturing their child and the gentle perfect rounding of her belly. He had in fact found himself becoming even more possessive of her as he watched her carry HIS child inside her body. Having a child was such a natural, every day occurrence that most people rarely thought about it. Kids were born around the world every second of every day, but when it was happening to you, it was the greatest miracle and the most astounding thing that could ever happen to you. 

He flipped another page and they were in the birthing room, Abbey sitting in the hospital bed. She hadn't been in labor very long, was still smiling for the camera a bright gleam of excitement and anticipation in her eyes. She was having a baby! 

As the pages moved along, apprehension, pain and weariness replaced that bright gleam of excitement. Jane had done a good job of chronicling the birth through photos – the sheer grit on Abbey's scrunched up sweaty face as she gave it everything she had to push their child into the world, the deer in the headlights look on his face as he held her hand and wiped her brow and gazed down between her splayed legs to check the progress of that bald little head. That he'd made it through his wife's labors and children's births without passing out still amazed him. And then, finally, there she was – Aislinn. Lying on Abbey's belly wet and bloody and squalling, their daughter had him wrapped around her finger before he had even finished cutting her umbilical cord. There were tears from both of them and kisses as they watched their brand new child nurse at Abbey's breast. 

Jed felt a sharp stab of pain as he remembered that joyful moment and the words he had spoken to his tiny, minutes old daughter "Welcome to the world, Aislinn Faith Bartlet. I'm your Dad and I'm going to protect you for the rest of my life." 

"HAH!" Tears burned Jed's eyes and he slammed the photo album shut and stormed away, impotent rage filling his veins. He hadn't protected Aislinn. Despite his promises to them on the days of their birth, he hadn't protected either of his daughters. And, after all that his wife had been through, all the promises that he'd made to her, he hadn't been able to protect her. They'd been taken away, drugged… tortured… hurt… USED. If only he'd been there. Stanley had warned him a thousand times about the futility of looking back with "what ifs" but he couldn't help it. He turned back toward the desk and grabbed the journal that lay there. 

> _"Dearest Abigail,_
> 
>      If only there were a way that I could go back and re-write history…"

**** 

"Alright, THAT'S ENOUGH!" Half-dressed, her hair still wet from her shower, Abbey leaned out her bedroom door catching Aislinn by her good arm just as she blew into the piercingly loud whistle that Jed had given her. Laughing, Nicholas continued to race down the hall blowing into his whistle at full force. Abbey's nerves were already on edge as she awaited Jed's arrival and even a vigorous workout on Aquinnah for well over an hour had done nothing to calm her stress level. Having those whistles blasting into her brain was the final straw. 

"Give me the whistle." Abbey held her hand out. Aislinn tucked her whistle into her armpit. 

"Aislinn, give me the whistle." 

Aislinn shook her head negatively. 

Careful not to bring on a tantrum, Abbey did not continue to demand the whistle and continued on in another vein. "Okay, then. I guess I'll have to tickle you to get it." Abbey fell to her knees and began tickling Aislinn's ribs until the giggling little girl had to squirm and lost the whistle. 

"Okay," Abbey tucked it in the pocket of her pants. "One down, one to go." She headed off in pursuit of her son. As she approached him, Nicholas got that mutinous expression she was so very used to seeing on his face. 

"No, Mumma. NO." 

"Hand it over, Nick." Her hand went out. 

"NO!" He crossed his arms defiantly. "MY whissle. Daddy give ME." 

"Yes, Daddy did give it to you. And right now I'd like to kill him for that," she muttered under her breath. "But, Mommy told you she had a headache and I asked you not to make so much noise with them but you didn't listen. Now I want the whistle." 

"NO!" 

Frustrated and getting angry, Abbey bent to take the whistle from her son's hand and Nicholas shrieked as if she'd burned him. 

"Nicholas, STOP IT," she reprimanded him sternly. 

"My whissle, Mumma, MY whissle…" 

"Is there a problem up here?" Zoey came up the stairs wearing a worn old long sleeved Notre Dame T-shirt her father had bought her at one of the alumni weekends he frequently attended, and a pair of windpants. 

"Mumma taked my whissle." Nicky's lower lip trembled with outrage. 

"Well, you were making quite a racket, kiddo." Zoey gazed over at her mother and could see just how frazzled she looked. "I was just about to go out blackberry picking so I can make Daddy his favorite blackberry cobbler for dessert tonight…" 

"Daddy like booberry," Nicholas interrupted her. 

"You're right, Daddy does love blueberries," Zoey agreed. "But, blueberry season is over. It's time to pick blackberries." 

"Me pick too?" He tugged on Zoey's pantleg. 

Zoey glanced from the pleading hopeful face of her baby brother over to her mother "I was just coming up to see if you wanted me to get the twins out of your hair for a while and take them picking with me." 

"That would be a godsend," Abbey sighed with relief. The children had picked up on her nervousness and had been acting up all morning. "Just keep your eye on them. You know how thorny the blackberry bushes are." 

"I will. Okay, Nick, let's go get some pails and hit the bushes. You coming, Ash?" Zoey turned to see Aislinn huddled behind Abbey's leg. Since coming to the farm the little girl had become her mother's shadow and she rarely let Abbey out of her sight. 

Abbey saw her daughter's eyes light with excitement only to cloud over quickly with apprehension, her fingers clutching more tightly on her pants. "It's okay, Ash. I'm going to be right here. I have to finish getting dressed but Zoey will be with you." 

"You can hold my hand the whole way. Come on, Ash." 

Tentatively, Aislinn made her way from behind Abbey to take Zoey's hand. 

"Have fun." Abbey smiled brightly, the smile not quite making it to her eyes. 

Nicholas turned to give her a quick wave, a brush off, but it was Aislinn who smote her heart. The weak little wave and the big apprehensive eyes tore at Abbey. No two-year-old should have the haunted look that her daughter now had. 

Her heart heavy, Abbey moved back into the bedroom and pulled out a pale blue tank top to wear with her low ride chinos. She stared at herself in the mirror wondering what Jed would see. Her hair was still short but it was starting to grow out a bit and not quite so horrible as it had been. Knowing how much Jed loved her hair long, she had thought about not letting it grow out again but had nipped that idea in the bud. She wasn't going to cut off her nose to spite her face. And, speaking of her face, it was now pale and lifeless. There was no spark in her eye, no light in her smile. Even she could see that, but would he? Would he see the Abbey that she had been before the kidnapping or would he see the shell of the woman that she had become? 

Abbey sighed and turned from the mirror. She didn't want to see Jed. She loved him but she did not want to be reminded of what she had been through. She wanted to forget those three dark days, to put them in the past. She didn't want to face Jed's good looks and his wounded charm. She didn't want him to walk in and think that everything was going to be all right. She didn't want her pain, her anger, and her confusion, everything that she was experiencing, to be swept under the rug because it was so easy to forgive him. Not this time. This time she was going to be strong; she was not going to cave in to his appeal. If he seriously wanted to make things better, he was going to have to come to her, come clean with her and even then she wasn't sure how long it was going to take her to get over this. 

Abbey sat wearily on the edge of the bed rubbing at her throbbing temples. Avoiding what had happened to her and avoiding her husband had been so much easier when he was a thousand miles away. Knowing that he was in the air making his way closer with every passing minute caused her stomach to tighten and had her reaching for the bottle of Tums that lay on the table beside her bed. 

**** 

The motorcade made the turn from the rural route onto the long drive that led to the farm and Jed stared out the window silently, hoping to catch a glimpse of his family but saw nothing but grazing cows and horses. This was usually one of the best feelings in the world for him – coming home. He'd smile just thinking about his girls throwing their gangly arms around his neck with the sheer happiness of seeing him again or the twins toddling to him with glee. But most of all he'd think about seeing Abbey, about how he'd find her. Would she be chopping vegetables at the counter still dressed for work in the short tight skirt that hugged her gentle shapely curves and the stilettos that made her legs look a mile long? Would she be leaning over the table helping the girls with their homework or feeding the twins in their highchairs so that he could look down her low cut silk blouse and enjoy the swells of her breasts? His wife had always had the body of sexpot, a Playboy centerfold, and she still did. God knew he read that enough in magazine articles about her. Still, his feelings were not all tied up in just lust. There was so much more to it than that. It was the feeling of love and warmth that he got in knowing just how happy that Abbey was to have him home. There were times when he would find her lounging in her silk pj's reading medical journals and she would give him that slow, sleepy smile that he loved so much and open her arms to him welcoming him into their bed, into her arms, welcoming him home. And, at other times, he'd find her in her study bent over paperwork – her brow pinched cutely in concentration, those glasses that made her look so sexy and smart perched on her nose; and she would look up at him, her eyes sparkling with the sheer happiness and pleasure she felt at seeing him again and she would give him such a bright beaming smile of joy, it would literally take his breath away. 

This time his return home was different. He didn't know what to expect. He felt his stomach muscles clench with nerves and anticipation. On the one hand, he was excited to finally being seeing his family again, but on the other hand, he was nervous at what his reception would be. He knew Abbey was only reluctantly agreeing to this visit and if it hadn't been for the kids, she probably would have asked him not to come. But, whatever her feelings were for him at the moment, his children needed him. He'd promised Zoey that both he and Abbey would be there to help her and so far, his only help had been on the phone. He'd chatted briefly and chaotically with Nicholas but his only communication with Aislinn had come from that damn whistle that he'd given her. He was almost starting to resent having done that. He wanted to hear his daughter's voice, not the blare of a piercing whistle answering yes or no to his questions. He wanted his children to bombard him with questions and demands. He wanted to play games and do puzzles with them. He wanted to be their father again. 

**** 

Abbey stood staring out the living room window, her fingers absently playing with the crucifix that dangled from a delicate chain on her neck. She'd seen the lights of the motorcade through the trees and knew Jed was on his way. She took a deep breath and started for the door, still unsure of how she would greet him. Her hand had just gripped the doorknob when she heard the piercing shriek of terror. Her breath caught in her lungs and her heart stopped beating in her chest. Her legs went weak and nearly gave out on her. Not again, was all she could think. Oh dear, Jesus, not again. Her eyes frantically scanned the area where her children had gone to pick berries, and with the adrenaline finally starting to kick in she started to run, racing down the stairs and across the field, her terror mounting for her little boy, a scream welling in her throat. 

"NICKY!" 


	5. Finding Our Way Back Home

The screaming of a child in agony got louder as Abbey approached the fast running brook near where the kids had been picking berries. When she finally made her way downstream, she saw Zoey with Nicky's agent dipping him in the water. The little boy was still screaming and was fighting both of them. Aislinn was clutched to Zoey's leg obviously terrified. 

"What happened?!" Abbey cried. 

Zoey turned to her mother, her face pale and scared. 

"He got stung. I'm not sure how many times. I know he got it at least once on the leg. I was watching him, Mom, I really was but he must have stepped on a nest of yellow jackets. We thought the cold water would keep the swelling down on his leg." 

"MaMAAAAA!" Nicholas shrieked when he saw his mother and fought Zoey to get to her. 

"It's okay, baby, I'm here." Abbey walked into the cold water mindless of the fact that her pants were getting soaked. "I'm right here." She pulled her son into her arms. She could feel him shivering against her body and she wasn't sure if it was the cold water or the pain, or God forbid an allergic reaction. 

"Ma'am?" Nicky's agent had a concerned look on his face and she knew he was thinking the same thing. "Should we be worried about an allergic reaction?" 

"I don't know. He's never been stung before. Neither Jed nor myself are allergic and neither are any of the girls, but you just never know. Allergic reactions are usually pretty instantaneous and he doesn't appear to exhibiting any symptoms." 

Abbey turned her back on the agent all her attention focusing on her young son. Nicky continued to struggle against the pain that was wracking his body. Abbey carried him to the grassy bank and began sliding his shorts and T-shirt off. 

"'TOP IT! 'TOP IT, MUMMA!" Nicky was close to hysteria, thrashing himself against the ground and kicking at Abbey. 

"Nicky, calm down, honey. I know it hurts but Mommy needs to see where you're hurt." 

Abbey stripped him down to his diaper and found another red welt on his back and one on his upper arm. The stings were very swollen, but she knew it could have been a lot worse if he had really stepped into a wasp's nest. He was very lucky to have gotten away with only three stings. She turned to Zoey who was standing with Aislinn in her arms. Tears were streaming down the little girl's cheeks and her eyes were pools of fear. 

"It's okay, angel," Abbey assured her. "Nicky just got stung by a mean old bee. He's going to be just fine." 

"How many stings?" Zoey asked apprehensively. She was still shaking with the fear of seeing her tiny screaming little brother surrounded by all those yellow jackets. 

"Three. I want to get him back to the house and get those stingers out, then we'll put some baking soda and ice on them." 

Nicky's piercing screams had subsided, but he was still sobbing pitifully as Abbey hefted him up to her hip and set off for the house, his tears soaking her chest. When they got closer to the house, she saw Jed nearly running down the hill with his agents, a look of fear and concern on his face. He'd seen Abbey go running across the field like a bat out of hell and when he'd finally convinced his agents to pull over and let him out, he could hear Nicky screaming and crying in the distance. 

"What happened to him?" Jed was out of breath, his hair mussed from his run. 

Hiccupping with residual shudders from his sobs, Nicky turned his red, blotchy face from where it was buried in Abbey's breasts and slipped his thumb from his mouth when he saw his father. 

"I gutted stunged, Daddy." He squirmed in Abbey's arms reaching for his father. Reluctantly, Abbey handed her son over to his father. 

"He stepped on a wasp's nest," Abbey explained. "I found three stings." 

A worried frown crossed Jed's face. "Any reaction?" 

"None so far. I want to get him back to the house and get the stingers out and get some ice on those welts." 

Jed planned to turn and head for the house but, for a moment, he stood transfixed taking in his wife's appearance. It hadn't been that long since he'd last seen her but it felt like an entire lifetime. She stood before him her arms wrapped defensively around her middle as they had been so many times in his presence lately. She was barefooted – her low-rise khakis soaked to the knee, her form fitting tank top not quite making it to the waistband of her pants. She looked so tiny, so young, and so totally vulnerable. She had lost weight – her pants now clinging to her hipbones and her cheeks looked more hollowed out. The faint blue hollows under her eyes attested to what Zoey had told him – that she wasn't sleeping well. Her hair had grown out a little and soft curls had started to form and frame her face. The urge to hug her was strong, the need to pull her small frame up against him and hold her tightly to his body nearly overwhelming him. It was the coolness in her eyes that stopped him. His wife did not want to be held. 

Instead of holding his wife, Jed poured all his emotion, all his love and affection into the hug that he gave his son. He held Nicholas tightly against his chest as if he'd never again let him go and inhaled his earthy little boy scent – grass, sweat and sunshine. He smiled – a feeling of warmth spreading through his chest as Nicholas stuck his berry stained thumb back in his mouth and nuzzled closer into his chest while he started up the hill to the house. 

Abbey held back for a moment watching Jed stride up the hill with their son in his arms, the powerful demeanor of the Presidency cloaking him with authority. She saw the flashing lights of the motorcade lining the long drive, saw the black suited Secret Service agents pacing the perimeter of the house and she couldn't help but feel invaded. Jed's arrival had wreaked havoc with the careful safe haven that she had created – chaos erasing the serenity they all so badly needed. 

Giving in to her circumstances once they were in the house, Abbey and Jed worked together as only two parents who had administered to many children over the years could. No words were needed. They both knew the routine. Jed gave Nicholas a bottle filled with water to comfort him and laid him on a towel on the couch, holding his nude little form down and running his hand in soothing warm circles over his belly while Abbey started to pick the stingers out of his skin with tweezers. 

"Mumma, 'top it, 'top it!" Nicky threw his bottle angrily to the floor and tried to writhe out of Jed's grasp, but his father was too strong for him. Jed held the boy pinned to the couch, hating every moment of this. 

"Calm down, Nicky-boy," he soothed calmly. "Mommy has to the get the stingers out to make you feel better." 

"Mumma hoot me…hoot me…" 

"I don't mean to hurt you, sweetheart." Abbey swallowed past the lump in her throat. Doctoring her children had always been far different from administering to her patients and far more difficult. "There. I've got them all. Now I'm just going to put something on that's going to make you feel better and you can have a Popsicle." 

"Possicle?" Nicky sniffed, his interest moving from the pain of his injuries to the idea of a treat. "Boo possicle?" 

"I think we might still have some blue ones left." She smiled down at him, kissed his naked little belly and began dabbing at the swollen welts on his skin with a paste of ice water and baking soda. 

Jed had always had the ability to feel his children's pain and this was no different. His stomach clenched every time the boy cried out and little stabs of pain jolted his chest each time he took in Nicky's trembling lower lip and the tears that ran from his eyes down into his hair. 

"You're Daddy's brave boy, aren't you?" Jed wiped the tears and pushed his son's sweaty blond hair back off his face. 

"Mumma, I bwave." Nicholas wanted to make sure that his mother knew this about him. 

"I know you are, pumpkin. I'm very proud of you." 

"Wan my bubba." 

Abbey bent over to pick the bottle up off the floor and handed it to him before leaving for the kitchen to hunt down some promised Popsicles. 

Worn out from the trauma of the afternoon and all his crying, Nicholas cuddled up on his father's lap with his bottle and fell asleep before Abbey could return with his reward. Aislinn was not so wiped out and eagerly accepted her lime Popsicle and her mother's offer of a game of _Candyland_. 

**** 

Abbey did her best to avoid Jed throughout the afternoon, but as the afternoon faded into early evening and it was time to begin preparing dinner, she could no longer do so. 

Jed sat at the kitchen table watching her as he had so many times over the years, but this time was different. This time she hadn't given him a chore like crushing garlic or grating cheese or making the salad. This time the tension between them was so thick you could cut through it with a knife. 

The twins were oblivious to the coolness between their parents. Aislinn was too busy trying to diaper the new baby doll her father had brought with him as a gift for her and Nicholas was practicing picking up plastic animal figures in the new yellow bulldozer that had been his present. Never having had a son before, in the beginning Jed and Abbey had tried to be non-gender specific with their kids' toys, but it was completely inevitable that Aislinn liked to give bottles to baby dolls and Nicholas liked to smash cars into the wall. Not that there weren't a few crossovers. Nicholas liked to cuddle his stuffed animals when he was tired and Aislinn loved to run Hot Wheels over the hardwood floors, but in general, the saying 'girls will be girls and boys will be boys' was completely true with their twins. 

Zoey, on the other hand, was not oblivious to the strain between her parents. She had noticed right away that her father had been walking on eggshells all afternoon, trying to be so careful not to say or do anything that might cause her mother to explode with anger. Her mother had not exploded with anger; instead, she had retreated into the cool silence she had enveloped herself in before they had left the White House. The two of them avoided making eye contact whenever possible and when they did speak to each other, it was stiffly and so polite it was as if they were two strangers. Trying to keep things as normal as possible and to fill in the awkward silences, Zoey chattered continually while she helped her mother prepare the meal. Every so often Abbey would catch Jed's eye and they would share a look that said that they both knew exactly what their daughter was doing and they would quickly glance away with guilt. 

When the food was on the table, Jed said a quick prayer of thanks and the family began their meal. Bartlet meals were usually loud affairs. With the exception of Ellie, they were an opinionated lot and none of them was particularly shy about expressing those opinions. But tonight the meal was quiet, even Zoey grew tired of trying to pretend like everything was normal. Jed hated the tension, hated the coldness between him and his wife. He felt like a guest in his own home, and one that was not entirely welcome. This was not well-traveled territory for either him or Abbey. Usually when they fought it was filled with heat and passion and, more often than not, when the battle was over, they ended up in bed screwing each other's brains out. Not this time. This gulf between them was wider than anything Jed had ever tried to cross in all their years of marriage. If not for the twins antics, it would have been a completely miserable meal. They, at least, brought a lift to his heart. He couldn't help but smile as he watched Aislinn dipping her peas into her applesauce before mashing them into her mouth and offering a few to share with her parents and Abbey cajoling Nicholas to eat his chicken and peas too, not just his applesauce. Nicky's response being to chew up his food and spit it back onto his high chair tray, then demand more "apposauce". 

Jed had had one moment of hope that his wife had been thinking about his visit when he watched Zoey bring out the blackberry cobbler. Abbey knew that it was one of his favorites. And, so did his daughter as it turned out. Disappointment ripped through him when he was quietly informed that Zoey had made the cobbler. But, the disappointment was short-lived and replaced quite quickly by guilt as he took in the pride shining in his daughter's eyes and in her smile as she presented her token of love to him. He covered his disappointment well, but he knew that while Zoey might have missed it, Abbey had seen that momentary flicker. 

When supper was finished, Jed offered to get the twins ready for bed while Zoey and Abbey cleaned up. At least with the twins, he felt like he could be himself. He didn't feel resentment and anger boiling under the surface just ready to explode at any minute. He took the kids upstairs and started the water running in their bath making sure drop a liberal squirt of _Sesame Street_ bubble bath into the running tap. He was just taking out the bucket of bath toys when he felt a tug on his shirt from behind. Aislinn stood next to him on the carpet having removed all her clothes except her _Beauty and the Beast_ pull-ups. She was sucking a pacifier and holding the doll he had given her in her good arm. There was something achingly vulnerable in the rounded toddler belly, the pacifier, the wispy blond curls that brushed her collarbone, and the bright pink cast on her seemingly tiny arm. It made him sick to his stomach to think of how anyone could have hurt this child and tears burned in his eyes when he thought of her pain and terror. 

"You ready for your bath?" he asked brightly, determined that his children not see his pain. 

Aislinn nodded and held out her arm like a good little soldier. Jed slid on the plastic bag to cover her cast and sealed it shut with elastics. Nicholas joined them and soon he and Aislinn were splashing away playing with their bath toys and helping to wash each other's hair. When their bath was finished, Jed wrapped them in towels and led them over to the sink to brush their teeth. Aislinn easily accepted her father squirting the toothpaste on the brush and gently rubbing it over her little teeth, but Nicholas was already feeling more independent. 

"I do MYSEFF, Daddy," he informed Jed as he grabbed for his toothbrush. 

"Okay, let's see how you do." 

Jed allowed the little boy to squirt the toothpaste onto his brush even though he got it all over his hands and the sink, and when he tried to take the toothbrush back so he could brush Nicky's teeth, the boy yanked his hand back keeping his brush away from Jed. 

"I bwush my teefs!" he told him indignantly. 

"Sorry, Nick. Mommy didn't tell me how grown up you are now." 

"I gwowed up." Nicholas nodded in affirmation and Jed watched with amusement as he watched his son "brush" his teeth. 

Once they were back in the nursery, Jed allowed them to pick out the pajamas they wanted to sleep in even though Aislinn chose a pair of red and black _101 Dalmatians_ bottoms that didn't exactly match with the blue and green _Little Mermaid_ top she had picked out. He played a _Bananas in Pajamas_ CD while he diapered them up and helped them dress for bed. Then, before settling them in for the evening, he told them it was time for their prayers. They dutifully knelt beside him and crossed their hands as he and their mother had shown them. Then, Jed began, 

"Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray thee, Lord, my soul to keep. Keep me safe throughout the night, and wake me with the morning light. God bless…" He looked to Nicholas for assistance. 

"Daddy!" Nicholas told him. 

"God Bless…" 

"Mommy," Aislinn silently mouthed. 

"God Bless…" 

"Zoey." 

"God Bless…" 

"Ellie." 

"God Bless…" 

"Lizzie, Annie n' Gus." Nicky was so proud of his long sentence Jed didn't have the heart to tell him that he had forgotten Doug, but added his son-in-law into his own prayer. 

"God bless…" 

"Gammy n' Gampy n' Gammy Bartlet." Even in silence Aislinn was not to be outdone. 

"Okay, then, kiddos, time for bed." 

"No, Daddy." Nicholas looked down at the two dogs laying stretched out by their cribs. "God bess Max… n' Panda… n' Ollie." 

"Oh, yes, sorry. Didn't mean to forget the pets." Jed gave Panda a scratch behind the ear in apology. "But, now it's really time for bed." 

Jed tucked them in, read them a couple of stories then made his way back downstairs. Abbey and Zoey were finished doing the dishes. He found Zoey in the family room watching _Jeopardy_ and she asked him if he wanted to watch a movie. He agreed and went to find Abbey. She was reading in the library. 

"Zoey and I are going to watch a movie. Would you like to join us?" He hated how stiff and formal he sounded. This was his WIFE. 

"No, thank you. I think I'll just finish my book." 

"Well, okay then." He turned to leave with a sigh. 

"Jed." 

"Yes?" He turned back hopefully. 

"I made up the guest room for you." 

Jed stared at her not knowing what to say. He wanted to fight her on this, wanted to rail against the injustice, and then he remembered what she had been through and his anger evaporated to a deep penetrating pain. 

"Okay." he said it quietly, resigned, and turned to leave the room. 

Abbey watched him leave with surprise. She had expected him to fight her on that one, had expected him to force the fight that she knew they would have to have before they could get through all of this. She had not expected his calm acceptance and a part of her wasn't sure if she liked that calm acceptance. A part of her wanted him to fight for her, to fight for THEM. 

About an hour later, after continuing to doze off while reading her book Abbey decided to hit the sack. It was still fairly early, but her nights had not been her own for the past couple of weeks. She'd had to deal with both Zoey's and Aislinn's nightmares and try to comfort them, but no one was there to comfort her when the demons came into her dreams. She was left to fight them on her own and it often took all her strength and energy just to make it to daybreak. She paused in the doorway to the family room to look in on Jed and Zoey. They were reclining side by side on the couch, their stocking feet propped up on the coffee table and they were sharing both a quilt and a big bowl of popcorn and laughing as they watched _My Big Fat Greek Wedding_. This was good for Zoey, she could see that, but looking at them together also brought back all of her conflicts and pain. That Jed adored his daughter, all his children, was more than apparent but he had put their lives in jeopardy. Had put all of their lives in jeopardy and the last person to know about it was her. Jed had put his Presidency and his staff above her. He had discounted her opinion, her need to know, and that was a wound that hurt deeper than he could ever imagine. 

Back up in her bedroom, Abbey prepared for bed. As she dug in her drawer for something to sleep in, her eyes lingered on the sexy lingerie that filled it. All those silky, satin, lacy, sheer little numbers that drove Jed insane with lust. She didn't even feel like the same carefree woman who used to wear those special garments. She shoved those frothy items aside and grabbed a silk pajama top forgoing the bottoms since it was such a warm evening. She brushed her teeth, washed her face, and smoothed in her moisturizer well aware of the toll this tense day had had on her. She looked exhausted, WAS exhausted and couldn't avoid the bed any longer. She came out of the bedroom and eyed the big comfortable empty bed. Funny, it hadn't seemed quite so empty when Jed was in Washington, but knowing that he was sleeping just down the hall, that they would each be sleeping alone because she had decreed it so, filled her with a loneliness so strong it actually brought physical pain. She pulled the covers back and slid underneath them. This bed had once been an altar to their sex life, a place where they worshipped each other's bodies so intensely that there were times that Abbey had thought she would die with the sheer pleasure of it and the really hard part of it all was knowing that it could be that way again. All she had to do was say the word and Jed would be back here lying beside her. 

She couldn't allow that, not now, not yet. Everyone thought she was such a strong woman, and in so many ways she was, but not when it came to her husband. Jed had always been her weakness. A look of pain in his eyes, a plea on his lips, a stroke of his hand and she was putty. This was too important for her to allow that to happen. It would be too easy for him to make love to her and then brush everything under the carpet thinking all was okay and they would never deal with her anger and her pain. She was terrified that if that happened things would never be the same between them again. That if she had to live with that resentment and bitterness it would eat away at her, eat away at her love for him and as angry as she was with him, she couldn't bear for that to happen. 

Abbey rolled over, shoving those thoughts to the back of her mind. She was becoming pretty good at avoiding things that hurt, maybe too good. She had never been one to avoid things, she usually met conflict head on but this was too big for that. She could only take things one day at a time because thoughts about the future were too painful to consider right now. She closed her eyes her fingers tangling in the fur on Max's neck and felt the tears start to trail burning paths down her cheeks. Once started, they couldn't be contained and Abbey cried herself to sleep. 

**** 

The movie over, Jed made his way upstairs for bed. He stopped first in the nursery to check on the twins. The nightlights cast a warm glow over his sleeping children. Earlier when he had tucked them in, he'd noticed that Abbey had added quite a few to allow extra light to the room. Nicholas had kicked his covers off and was sleeping on his side his thumb laying in his slack mouth, his other arm draped over his very worn Tigger. Jed quietly pulled his son's blanket up to cover him and brushed a gentle kiss on his forehead before moving past Panda, who wagged her tail at him then promptly went back to sleep after seeing him stop at Aislinn's crib. It gratified him to see Aislinn curled up with the doll he had brought her along with several stuffed animals. Her head was pillowed on her blankie, her bright cast so vivid against the pale colored sheets. Would he ever be able to look at his daughter and not feel this all-encompassing pain, he wondered. Would he ever get over the guilt that permeated his soul? As difficult as his exile from his family was on him, deep down he knew that he deserved this punishment. He had done some very wrong things in his life, but as he watched his innocent children sleep, he knew that right now they were what mattered. He had to do what was right for them. 

"You have sweet dreams, baby girl." Jed kissed his fingertips and pressed them gently to his daughter's sweet, pursed lips. 

While making his way toward the guestroom, he noticed that Abbey's door was slightly ajar. Unable to resist the urge to make sure that everyone was okay before he went to bed, he gently pushed it further open. Abbey lay bathed in the moonlight curled up with a pillow. Like her son, the covers had fallen from her body and her short pajama top had ridden up to expose a long bare curve of thigh and hip and the ivory lace French-cut panties she was wearing. A stab of lust warred with his need to protect. She looked so defenseless lying there all alone and so exposed in that big bed. Except she wasn't alone. Max lay stretched out beside her on his side of the bed. The big dog was usually not allowed to sleep on the bed but, obviously, the rules had changed since he'd been away. He moved slowly closer intending to fix her covers and that was when he noticed that she had been crying. There were tears drying on her cheeks and her eyelashes were still wet. He had done this to her. His visit had not been easy on her and now, because of him, she was crying herself to sleep. His heart constricted with an awful pain. 

"Oh, Abbey, I'm so sorry." His words were whispered, but they caused her to stir and roll onto her back. She hadn't buttoned the shirt all the way up and when it fell open slightly at her chest he could see the burn scars on the creamy swells of her breasts. It was like a slap to the face. A dose of reality. His wife had been tortured; she'd had to give her body to another man to save the lives of their daughters and all because of him. Of course she didn't want him next to her bed, and she certainly didn't need to wake up to find a man skulking toward her in the dark. He turned silently to leave the room but before he could make it to the door, he was stopped in his tracks by the sound of crying. 

Being both a mother and a doctor, Abbey had always been a light sleeper and she was awake in a flash. 

"Aislinn?" She swung out of bed only then noticing her husband standing in the doorway. She wanted to question him as to why he was in their bedroom but her daughter was first priority. 

Aislinn stood in the nursery doorway rubbing her eyes; her blankie tucked in her arms. This was quite obviously a frequent occurrence, because while Jed stood rooted on the spot, Abbey made her way quickly to the little girl kneeling in front of her. 

"Did you have another bad dream?" Abbey smoothed her damp hair back off her forehead. 

Aislinn nodded. 

"Oh, sweetheart, I'm sorry. Can you tell Mommy what it was about?" 

Aislinn's only response was to slip her thumb in her mouth sucking hard and regarding her mother with big blue-green eyes. It killed Abbey that her child could not give voice to her fears. How could she help her if she didn't know what demons they were fighting? Instead, she had to rely on her mothering instincts and simply comfort the girl and make her feel safe and secure. She held Aislinn to her chest feeling the shudders that wracked her little body. Her pajamas were soaked. 

"She won't even talk when she's scared to death?" Jed asked. 

"No." Abbey continued to hold her daughter. 

"I just don't get it. There has to be something that we can do." 

"I'm doing everything I can," Abbey snapped. 

"I wasn't criticizing you. I just wish we could help her." Jed sounded hurt and Abbey wished she could take back the words. This was why she didn't want him here. She was a mass of pain and anger, frustration and confusion and she was afraid that she might say things that she could never take back. 

"Well." Abbey pulled back from the little girl wiping at her tears with her thumbs and pushing the damp blond ringlets off her forehead. "Let's go change your pajamas. Yours are all wet with sweat." 

Abbey stripped off the pajamas Aislinn was wearing while Jed grabbed a clean nightgown to change her into. After doing this alone for the past couple of weeks, it felt strange to Abbey to have someone helping her. Together, they tucked their daughter back into bed and stood beside her crib watching her. 

"I get so scared, Jed," Abbey admitted. 

"What are you afraid of?" 

"That I can't protect her enough." Tears filled Abbey's eyes. "That I can't protect any of them enough." Abbey felt Jed's arm go around her waist and, for a moment, she allowed herself to revel in sharing the burden. For too long now she had been nearly overwhelmed by how much her children needed her. These fragile little souls were depending on her to do what was best for them, to know how to help them and there were so many times when she had to wonder if she were up to the task. Like all mothers, she struggled with knowing what was "right" for her children. It had never seemed quite so overwhelming before because she'd had Jed to bounce ideas off and to gain insight from, but now she could truly commiserate with single mothers because that, in effect, was what she had been for the past couple of weeks, even if it was her own doing. Parenting, she'd found, was much more difficult when you were doing it alone and given her children's problems, she had often felt like she was flying blindly. So, she allowed herself the comfort of standing with her husband's arm around her in the dark while they watched the child they had created together fall asleep. She gazed up at him and Jed pulled her closer to his body, his eyes never losing contact. She knew he was going to kiss her and knew she could not let him. Before his lips met hers, she backed away out of his embrace. 

"Jed, don't. I can't." 

Whereas in the past he might have pushed matters knowing that she would respond or teased and cajoled her into giving in, this night, respectful of her feelings, he backed off. As he did so his eyes were filled with such sadness, Abbey had to turn away from him. 

Jed cleared his throat of emotion. "I'll stay with her," he offered. "You go ahead and get some sleep." 

"I don't mind staying." 

"Abbey, you're exhausted. You've been doing this every night for two weeks. Let me do my part." 

Finally, Abbey nodded and Jed watched her leave the nursery to make her way back to the bedroom. The bedroom he had to wonder if he would ever be welcome in again. 


	6. Finding Our Way Back Home

It was dark…So dark…. Too dark. She could hear him coming toward her, could hear his footsteps, heavy, menacing, but she couldn't see his face. Fear crept from her toes up through her body until it settled in her chest, her breath catching in her lungs, her heart racing. She tried to breathe, tried to scream but she couldn't. There was nowhere to go, nowhere to hide. The footsteps got closer. He was right in front of her and still she couldn't see. She could hear his breath feel its warmth on her face. He was so close. 

No…no…nooo. 

And then with a fierce growl, he grabbed her and Abbey finally screamed. 

She woke with a jolt completely disoriented and drenched in sweat. She was on the floor pressed up against the wall her knees drawn up to her chest. Her heart was pounding, her breath coming in ragged gasps, her entire body shaking with terror. For one horrible moment she was back in that trailer, Hassan Al Khaleel's hands making their way intimately over her body and then light suddenly flooded the room. 

"Abbey!" Jed gasped at the sight of his wife cowering against the wall in the fetal position, her eyes two pools of terror. He realized with horror that it was her who had been making those animalistic little whimpers and moans that he'd heard from the hallway. 

"Oh, Jesus, help me." He was at her side in an instant. 

"Don't touch me!" Still half-clinging to her nightmare, Abbey tried to take in her surroundings. She focused in on her room, on the big four-poster bed, her vanity table, and finally on Jed's pale concerned face. She was home. She was safe. It was just another damn nightmare. One of a series of nightmares that was starting to wear on Abbey's fragile emotional state. 

"I'm not going to touch you." Jed held his hands up in the air. "I just…I need to know…Are you hurt?" 

Suddenly realizing that she was out of bed and cowering on the floor, Abbey's face flamed with embarrassment and frustration. She was a woman, an adult and yet the nightmares continued to terrify her as if she were a child. "No, I'm not hurt." She looked away from him, tears of humiliation burning in her eyes. "It was just nightmare." 

"Jesus, Abbey. I could have heard your scream all the way up in Concord." Jed pulled the quilt off the bed and wrapped it around her small shaking form. Abbey pulled it tightly around herself rocking slowly and forcing herself to breathe slow and steady. She found herself unconsciously rubbing the finger Khaleel had broken. 

"I'm sorry." The vulnerability of the dream was fading, the stiffness returning. "I didn't mean to wake you." 

"I didn't mean for you to apologize. It's just…you scared the hell out me. Do you have a lot of nightmares like this?" 

Abbey's silence led Jed to believe that she did. The thought of her waking up like this night after night and being all alone ate away at him. The fear and pain in her eyes were like daggers into his heart. He would have done anything in the world to take away that fear but he just didn't know how, and she wouldn't let him try even if he did. 

"God, what did he do to you, baby?" Jed groaned. 

Unable and unwilling to talk about her captivity, Abbey turned from him and forced herself up to her feet. "I'm fine, Jed, really." 

"Where are you going?" 

Abbey glanced at the clock. It was 5:30 a.m. "I'm not going to get anymore sleep. I'm going down to make a cup of coffee." 

"Abbey, do you want to talk about it?" 

The voice in her nightmares came back to haunt her. 'Your husband hired an assassin to kill my brother, Abdul Shareef.' 

"No." It was such a small word but said with complete finality. 

**** 

Down in the kitchen Abbey started the process of brewing a pot of coffee, grinding the beans, putting in the filter, and pouring the water, finding solace in the familiar routine. This was ordinary; this was real. Hassan Al Khaleel was not real. He was dead. He could not hurt her or her family again. But there were others. She'd always known they were out there, psychos, nutcases, zealots, assassins, all waiting to take a shot at the President or his family. But, she'd been reassured by the safety of the Secret Service. That safety bubble had been shattered when Jed had been shot at Rosslyn and there were times when she was still terrified for his safety. But never in her wildest dreams had she believed that she or her children would be targeted. The Secret Service that she had blindly entrusted with her safety and that of her children's had proved to be very fallible, and in spite of all Ron Butterfield's assurances, Abbey still had to live with the terror that what had happened to her and the girls could happen again. 

Unable to go back to sleep while his wife could not, Jed joined Abbey in the kitchen silently sitting at the table. He couldn't help but note her still shaking hand as she poured coffee into her mug some of it sloshing over the side. 

"Damn!" 

"Here, let me." Jed got to his feet and gently took the mug from her. He poured in a bit more coffee then put in just the amount of cream she liked, no sugar. 

"Thank you." Her words were little more than a whisper. 

"You're welcome." Overwhelmed by tenderness, Jed reached out a finger to tuck a strand of her hair behind her ear. Abbey was startled by the movement and flinched back away from him. 

Jed knew that his wife was not the kind of woman who would allow anyone to think she couldn't handle something on her own, but it was very evident that she needed help just as much, if not more than Zoey and Aislinn. He wanted to comfort her, wanted to hold her, but she was shutting him out, closing within herself the way she had only done once before. Her grief at their son Peter's birth and death had, in the beginning, been too overwhelming to accept and to share with him. But, she hadn't been angry with him then, hadn't blamed him and, eventually, she had come around. 

"Abbey, I know you're still pissed at me but I'm here if you want to talk." 

"Jed, it was just a dream. It happens. I'm an adult, I can handle it." 

"Can you?" 

"What's that supposed to mean?" The edge was back in her tone. 

Jed took a deep breath and plunged right in. "It means that you're so busy worrying about everyone else and taking care of everyone else that you're ignoring your own problems." 

"I told you I'm FINE." Abbey grabbed her coffee mug and slammed the screen door on her way out to the porch. 

Who the hell did he think he was? Abbey fumed as she plunked down in one of the comfy wicker chairs. He isn't around for weeks on end and then he shows up and thinks he knows everything, starts playing psychiatrist, starts acting like she's crazy or something, starts trying to force her to tell him what happened to her. A lump formed in Abbey's throat as she watched the sun start to rise over the fields in the east. She couldn't tell him, couldn't tell him of the abject humiliation that she'd been put through, the things that she had offered to do, the things that had been done to her and that she had been forced to do and since he was the cause of it all, he had no right to expect her to do so. 

"Morning, Daddy." Zoey found her father still seated at the kitchen table drinking from a mug of coffee and gave him a hug from behind and a kiss. 

"Morning, sweetheart." Jed forced a smile. His mind was still on his wife who sat so silently on the porch. 

"You slept in the guest room last night." It was not a question. 

"Yes, I did." 

Fear filled Zoey's green eye and Jed saw a shimmer of tears. "This is really bad, isn't it? You and Mom never sleep apart." 

"It's fine, Zo," Jed sought to reassure her. "Everything's going to be all right." 

"I'm not a kid anymore, Dad. You can't fool me." 

"No, I don't guess that I can. That's what I get for breeding such a group of smart women." Jed smiled down at her running a hand over her cheek. 

"Daddy, be straight with me. I know this is serious. You guys have never acted like this before. Are you…" A sob caught in Zoey's throat. "…Are you getting a divorce?" 

"NO!" Jed was shocked by the very idea and pulled his daughter into his arms. "Oh, Zoey, no. Your mom is upset right now and she has every right to be. I'm just trying to give her some space to work through it. We aren't separated and we aren't going to get a divorce. We're going to be okay." 

"You promise?" Zoey looked up at him with her mother's eyes, her face streaked with tears. 

"I promise." He wiped the tears away with his thumbs cursing himself for making the promise as soon as it came out of his mouth. It was one of his failings that when it came to his girls; there was nothing that he wouldn't promise in order to make them feel better. Unfortunately, there was somebody else in the equation, and right now he wasn't sure if Abbey would be able to make the same promise to Zoey that he had. 

**** 

Jed was lost in thought, staring down into the cold dregs of his coffee, when he felt a warm body press up against his leg. He glanced down to see Aislinn – her blond curls tousled, a yawn wrinkling her little nose. She didn't need to speak to get her intentions across to her father. She lifted her arms to him and then began climbing up onto his lap, slipping her binkie between her lips and snuggling sleepily against his chest. Jed smiled into her hair, kissing the top of her head, enjoying the weight of her in his lap, the warmth of her sturdy little body against him, and listening to the little sucking noises she made on her binkie. 

He was twisting one of her curls around his finger and telling her the story of _Rapunzel_ when Abbey re-entered the kitchen, the tightness in her face fading into warmth when she saw her daughter. 

"Good morning, Buttercup." She bent to kiss Aislinn's forehead and, in doing so, Jed could smell her perfume, her shampoo, her skin, her essence, all of what made her Abbey Bartlet. He inhaled greedily, not sure when he would gain such succor again. 

"I'd like to go for a ride after I eat breakfast. Can you feed the kids this morning?" She was looking into the refrigerator as she spoke. 

"I can feed the kids if you want to ride. I do have to have a NSA briefing at 9 though." 

She nodded curtly as she opened a carton of strawberry yogurt. "I'll be back in time." 

Jed watched her pour a handful of granola into the carton and then grab a spoon to eat. 

"Is that all you're eating for breakfast?" he asked. 

"It's good and nutritious." She continued to eat leaning up against the counter. 

"No wonder your pants are falling off. You're not eating enough to feed a sparrow." 

"I eat just fine, Jed. You know, it's amazing that I've been able to function for the past couple of weeks up here without you here to tell me everything that I'm doing wrong." 

"Abbey…" 

"Daddy…I HUNGWY." Nicholas stood at the edge of the kitchen table rubbing his eyes. 

Jed watched Abbey turn to leave the room, wanting to follow her, knowing he could not. 

"Okay, sport." He chucked Nicky under the chin and pulled his thumb out of his mouth examining it with great care. "You still got any skin left on that thing?" 

"Yes," Nicholas giggled, pulling his thumb back from his father and jamming it into his mouth. 

"Just checking. Now what do you want for breakfast?" 

"'nana n' apposauce." 

"You're a bit obsessed with the applesauce, aren't you?" 

"That's all he'll eat," Zoey groaned, as she came back to the table freshly showered. "Last week we all went apple picking and Mom and I made homemade applesauce with the leftover apples. Since then Nicky here wants it for breakfast, lunch and supper." 

"What's your mom say about that?" 

"She said if that's what he wants to eat, let him eat it. It isn't going to kill him to eat applesauce three times a day. But try to get him to eat what you want first." 

"Ah, the old applesauce as a bribe trick." 

Zoey lifted a brow at him. 

"Don't look so surprised. I was a father long before you were born, missy," he grinned. "I know everything there is to know about bribery. I seem to remember with you that it was pumpkin bread. You wanted it at every meal. Poor Mrs. Wilburton was making a loaf a day." 

"Force." 

"Force what?" he frowned handing Nicholas and Aislinn each half a banana. 

"Wilburforce. Her name was Mrs. Wilburforce." 

"Semantics." 

Jed had breakfast well in hand by the time Abbey re-entered the kitchen in her riding pants and a sweatshirt. She noted that he had gotten the twins to eat some Cheerios along with their bananas and applesauce. With an inward sigh, she remarked to herself that sometimes it was really hard to stay mad at her husband. But, then their gazes met and she could feel the intensity of those laser blue eyes all the way to her soul. Her chest felt heavy, her breathing getting more difficult and she felt like she was suffocating. She had to get out of that room, get away from him. She strode from the room and out the door stopping on the porch to take great gulps of fresh air. She felt the overwhelming urge to run, to flee from those all-knowing eyes. He could see right through her. He always could and she was terrified that he would see inside her, that he would force her to look inside herself and share it all with him and there was just no way that she could do that. 

**** 

Jed stood at the sink ostensibly rinsing the twins' cereal bowls, but really he was watching Abbey make her way across the field to the barn. He'd always been quite partial to those tight fitting riding pants and the way that they molded so fine to the sweet gentle curve of Abbey's hips and thighs and, well…to that world class ass he loved so much. God, his wife had a walk that could give a eunuch a hard on. It wasn't anything that she did consciously; there wasn't anything slow and calculating in it. In fact, her walk had always been a bit brisk and no-nonsense, for Abbey was a very busy woman. But, there was just something so very feminine and womanly in the way that her hips undulated with every step she took. Of course, it helped when you had the sexy body of a Siren. 

"Has Mom gone riding?" Zoey asked. There was something in her tone that led Jed to believe that this was a daily occurrence. 

"Yes. Has your mother been riding a lot?" 

"Pretty much every morning. She usually goes out really early and she's back before we get up." 

Jed nodded, his gaze turning back toward the barn. All that restless energy, he thought, all that time trying to keep busy, keep physically active all so that she wouldn't have to think about what had happened to her and what was happening to them. She was a fighter; he had to give her credit for that. She was going to fight those demons with every fiber of her being because that was who she was. Abbey Bartlet did not curl up and wither away and let her demons get the best of her. She came out swinging and fighting determined to get the upper hand. But this time was different. This time he had to wonder if she had the strength to do it all on her own or if this was the time that she would be brought to her knees. 


	7. Finding Our Way Back Home

Fresh from her ride and a nice long shower, Abbey felt energized and better prepared to start the day. While Jed had his NSA briefing, she took the kids outside so she could stroll through the garden cutting flowers for fresh bouquets throughout the house. For a while Nicholas and Aislinn plodded along behind her pointing out flowers for her to pick, but the novelty of that soon wore off and they went off to play together in their sandbox just a few feet away. The bulldozer Jed had brought for Nicholas was a big hit in the sandbox, at least for Nicholas. A couple of times Abbey had to play referee when Nicholas decided to dump a load of sand on Aislinn's doll's head, something his sister took a major offence to. Unable to tell him off or yell to her mother to stop him, she simply bopped her brother over the head with the doll. It was Nicky's wails of outrage that grabbed Abbey's attention. 

By the time Jed returned from his meeting, Abbey was seated on the porch snapping fresh beans from the garden with the twins. He stood quietly at the foot of the stairs simply enjoying the sight of his family, of Abbey patiently teaching the children how to snap the beans, and of the kids' faces all scrunched up with concentration as they tried to do as their mother asked. It was Max and Panda who gave him away, bounding down the stairs to greet him with yelps of delight. 

"Meeting finished?" Abbey didn't look up from the beans. 

"Yeah." He looked down in the bowl. "Green beans for supper?" 

"Yeah." Abbey's lips twitched as she tried not to show her amusement. "'cause I know how much you like green beans." 

"No like geen beans." Nicholas wrinkled his nose. 

Abbey's warning glare kept Jed from giving his son the high five he'd been planning "Well, maybe you could try them again for Mommy." She smiled down at Nicky. 

"Me want apposauce, Mumma." 

"Maybe if you eat a few green beans I'll let you have some applesauce, too." 

Nicholas pondered that for a long moment and evidently, he decided his love of applesauce was stronger than his hatred of green beans. "'kay, Mumma." 

"That's my boy." She reached down to pinch his ear affectionately. 

Jed felt a soft tug on his jeans and looked down to see that Aislinn had stopped snapping beans and was trying to get his attention. 

"What can I do for you, Sunshine?" 

Aislinn pointed to the fishing poles that he had laid against the porch rail before leaving for his meeting. 

"You want to go fishing?" 

Aislinn smiled and nodded and Jed felt a wave of relief flood him. He hadn't been so sure that she would go off with him alone without fear. Since he'd come back he couldn't help but notice how his youngest daughter had regressed since the kidnapping. It was more than the pacifier or the night-lights or the nights spent in her mother's arms rather than her own room. It was the look of panic that he would see overtake her when she was playing quietly and then realize that Abbey had left the room and the way she would jump to her feet frantically but quietly searching. She had, in these two weeks, become her mother's shadow. 

"Me too! Me too!" Nicky jumped to his feet thrusting his bowl of beans at his mother. "We get 'manders too, Daddy?" 

"Yes, bud. We can look for salamanders too." Jed grabbed the large pole and two little ones, then turned back to look at Abbey. "Care to join us?" 

"No, thank you. I think I'm going to work on some recipes this afternoon." 

Jed masked his disappointment with a smile for his children and he set off like the pied piper with the two kids scampering to follow and the dogs dancing around at his feet. 

Abbey watched them leave with a slight pang of fear – a quick stab that she immediately forced back inside, deep inside. She was afraid she was becoming one of those women that she disdained, one of those women who had always annoyed her, an overprotective mother. She'd always protected her children, always tried to keep them from harm's way as best as she could, but she also wanted to allow them the freedom to try out their wings. As children they'd been riding horses by the time they were five, swimming out to the dock in the middle of the pond by the time they were eight, and sailing their own little skiffs in the harbor by the time they were twelve. Her girls had gone whitewater rafting, skiing black diamond trails, cross-country horseback riding at breakneck speeds and hiking up some dangerous mountain peaks with her. She wanted things to be that way with Nicholas and Aislinn, but it was so much harder now that she knew just what kind of danger was out there for her children. Evil had touched her family and Abbey never planned to let it do so again. Now, as they got older, she was going to have to reconcile her need to protect them with their very natural need for freedom and expanding their horizons. 

With a wistful smile, she watched Jed swing Nicholas up onto his shoulders and lift Aislinn into his arms. Their gorgeous, amazing, damaged children. The children they had created one birth control free night in India, conceived in a lust so strong, so overpowering that it swept all good sense out of the way. It had always been that way between her and Jed. A look, a touch, a kiss and the next thing they knew they had their tongues down each other's throats and were ripping each other's clothes off. One caress, one moan, one flick of a finger over a nipple or squeeze of a soft hand over a penis and they were making love – hot, fierce, passionate and so good, so damn achingly good, that when Jed tried to pull out of her to climax on her belly, she locked her legs around him, grabbed his rear and kept him buried deep inside her all the way to his hilt where she could feel the hot bursts explode from his body, filling her with more than just his seed, filling her with those two beautiful babies that she simply could not imagine her life without. 

**** 

Jed spent the afternoon relaxing and just messing around with his kids. They fished off the dock rolling up their jeans and dangling their bare feet into the frigid water. Jed showed them how to skip flat rocks across the clear surface of the pond, basking in Nicky's delighted laughter and in Aislinn's bright smiles. For this small moment in time, he was able to forget his worries and just revel in being a dad. He'd never been much of a fisherman, but he'd always enjoyed puttering around with the kids at the pond. 

After fishing and skipping stones, Nicky was ready to head off on his salamander quest. They trailed through the woods, Jed patiently answering Nicky's constant questions of "Whas dat, Daddy?" It was funny, but if anyone had asked his staff if the President was a patient man, they would have laughed. Patience was certainly not his strongest virtue. But, with his students and with his children, Jed Bartlet had infinite patience. He didn't snap at Nicky that he'd told him three times that the gray thing growing near the tree was a mushroom. He just repeated his answer and continued on. 

What did bother him was the silence of the little girl at his side. Aislinn had spoken first and once she had started, she hadn't stopped. She'd become a real little chatterbox over the summer, babbling away to him the minute he got home from work, singing herself to sleep between him and Abbey in bed and reeling off lines of dialogue she'd caught him skipping over when reading to them at bedtime. That little girl was gone. In her place walked this silent beautiful child, her bright pink cast a reminder every time he looked at her of the trauma she had been through, of just why she was mute. 

At the brook, Jed rolled his jeans up to his knees and took off his sneakers so he could help the kids lift rocks to check for salamanders. After lifting one particularly large rock, he stood to rub his back and his eyes fell on his children – a wave of warmth and love filling his chest, weakening his limbs and bringing a sting of tears to his eyes. Bright shafts of sunlight worked their way through the thick pine forest, glittering off the water like diamonds and shining off his children's bright blond heads. Aislinn stood watching Nicholas overturn small rocks at the water's edge, her doll dangling from her hand by one arm. They were so precious to him, so small and so vulnerable. Suddenly, without warning, it hit him, really hit him. He knew exactly why Abbey was here, felt the fright, felt the anxiety, felt the helplessness. There were things out in the big bad world, forces beyond his control that could hurt his family, that HAD hurt his family and that was certainly not an easy thing for a man like him to admit. More than anything, he wanted to protect these two beautiful innocent children from any evil force that might touch them. Realistically, he knew that was not possible, but nothing was going to stop him from doing his damnedest to make it so. They were safe here, hidden away from the world. They had the freedom to play in their sandbox, fish in the pond, walk in the woods, pick apples, pet the horses and baby calves, and mostly, they had the freedom to forget what had happened to their family as they never would have been able to do in Washington. This was exactly where they needed to be. But for how long? That was what scared him the most. Would Abbey decide that it was in all of their best interests not to return to Washington at all? Just the thought of that nearly paralyzed him with panic. What if she didn't return to Washington? What if she could never find her way back to him? What would he do? Who would he be? 

"Daddy, look." Nicky held a grubby little hand out. 

Taking a deep breath, Jed chased away those terrifying thoughts and smiled down at his son. "That's a snail, Nicholas, of the kingdom Animalia, the Phylum Molluska and the class Gastropoda." 

"Hunh?" Nicky's brow furrowed and Jed laughed. 

"Ask your mother about them. She loves to eat them." 

Nicky's big blue eyes widened with horror at the thought of his mother eating the dirty, slimy creature in his hand. 

"They're called escargot when you cook them. Your mom likes them with lots of butter and garlic and wine." 

Nicky was not impressed. He wrinkled his snub nose at his father. "YUCK!" 

**** 

Back at the farm, Abbey was enjoying a rare afternoon alone. She had an Andrea Bocelli CD playing while she experimented with some recipes she'd been wanting to try. Ever since Gerard St. Germaine – a Cordon Bleu chef and her and Jed's neighbor in London – had taught her gourmet level cooking, Abbey had loved to cook. Well, when she had the time, that is. She did not enjoy coming home exhausted and trying to whip together a healthy meal for her family or throwing a pre-made casserole in the oven, so it hadn't been long before she had given up the cooking detail to their housekeeper. As a physician, she was just too busy to work, cook, clean her house and take care of her kids. So, something had to give. Kids and work came first so the cooking and cleaning details were often delegated away. Still, she enjoyed cooking elaborate meals sometimes on her days off and Friday night "family nights". Cooking relieved her stress, forced her mind to concentrate on something other than her problems or her worries. 

Andrea and Sarah Brightman were beautifully, and plaintively, bemoaning their _Time to Say Good-bye_ in one of Abbey's favorite stirring Italian duets when Jed and the children returned from their day in the sun. Jed noted the song right away and hoped that its title was not prophetic in any way. 

"It smells delicious in here." 

Abbey looked up from the fresh parsley she was chopping, smiling at the sight of her filthy but rosy cheeked children. Her smile faded as her eyes fell to her husband in his faded jeans and polo shirt. His own cheeks were touched with color and his sandy hair was windblown. He leaned up against the counter next to her, the sun shining on the fine gold hairs on his forearm. HE smelled delicious, of pine trees, sunshine and damp earth. Dammit, it wasn't fair that he had to be so good looking, that his appeal could force her body to be a traitor to her mind and to her heart. Her body seemed to have no idea that she was angry with him, that he had hurt her; all it knew was that it wanted him, would always want him no matter what he did. 

"Mumma, I broughted you somethin'.'" Nicky dug in his jeans pocket taking out a few rocks and finally finding what he was looking for. He held out his hand to her and opened his fist to reveal his treasure. 

"A slug." Abbey tried not to wrinkle her nose at the dirty creature her son had kept in his pocket. She could see that Jed was trying not to laugh. 

"Snail, Mumma. You eat." 

"You want me to EAT it?" Abbey was puzzled and rather disgusted. Jed burst into laughter. 

"I told him how much you like escargot. I didn't think he'd start harvesting snails for you." 

"Ah. Well, thank you, Nicholas. I appreciate you thinking of me, but I don't think escargot will really go with the meal tonight. How about if you take him out to the garden and set him free?" 

"Okay, Mumma." Under his parents' watchful eyes, Nicholas toddled down to the garden with the dogs and dropped the snail into the dirt carefully burying him. 

"So, what is for supper tonight? Looks like you've been busy." 

"Chicken breasts with scallop stuffing and a white wine sauce." 

"And green beans?" 

So, he was still trying to get out of that one. "Yes, Jed, and green beans. I made a green beans almondine." 

"I'd rather have apposauce." It was muttered under his breath. 

"What did you say?" For a moment the old humor and banter was back between them. 

"Nothing, dear." 

"That's right, nothing. Now why don't you all run upstairs and get cleaned up for supper. You're all filthy." 

"Yes, ma'am." Jed nodded in deference. 

"Yes, ma'am," Nicky mimicked his father. Not to be outdone by the smile Nicky received from their mother, Aislinn blew her a kiss before following her brother and father up the stairs. 

**** 

Leaving Zoey to dress the kids after his shower with them, Jed descended the stairs wanting to talk to Abbey about his plans for the evening. She was still at the stove stirring some kind of heavenly smelling rice concoction when he entered the room. She obviously hadn't heard him enter the kitchen because her reaction was not exactly what he had expected or planned. 

"Abbey?" he said her name softly as he placed his hand on her shoulder. Abbey froze. He felt her entire body stiffen and then start to shake. He watched her neck quiver as she tried desperately to breathe. 

"Abbey, Honey, it's me. It's Jed." 

Abbey turned to him, then her beautiful green eyes filled with remembered pain and terror. Jed knew he had unwittingly brought on some kind of horrible flashback for her. 

"Oh, God, baby. I'm so sorry. I thought you heard me come in." 

"I…I need to get some air." Abbey took the pan off the burner and made her way quickly outside, sitting on the top porch stair and forcing herself to breathe in through her nose and out through her mouth like she'd been taught to do when she was in labor. Controlled breathing – it helped with pain, both physical and emotional. 

Jed gave her a few moments to collect herself then shut the screen door loudly to alert her that he was on the porch. He sat beside her for a while saying nothing. She kept her eyes focused straight head at the paddocks and green fields. 

Finally, he broached the subject. "You want to talk about what just happened in there?" 

"No." 

"Abbey. You can't keep this all inside. If you don't want to talk to me, please talk to someone about it." 

"Jed, you startled me. End of story." 

"Abbey, I've startled you before and never gotten that kind of reaction. You weren't in that kitchen, were you? You were back in that trailer. With them." 

"Jed, STOP IT. Just, stop it." Abbey covered her ears and hunched forward over her knees. Why, oh why did he have to come here? Why did he have to know her so well? Why couldn't he just let her be? 

"Okay, okay. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. I just…I think you need help, Abbey. Why are you resisting this so much? You had counseling before. After…" 

"The rape." Abbey knew it was still hard for Jed to use that word even after all these years. "Yes, I did, because I needed help then. You're right. I've been through counseling and there is nothing they can tell me now that I haven't heard before. Don't presume to tell me what I need." 

Jed sighed. He knew he had pushed things about as far as he could go without causing Abbey to blow up at him. A part of him was terrified of that blow up, of hearing what he knew she would throw at him. Of hearing her say all that had been going through his own mind for the past few weeks – that it was his fault she and the girls had been kidnapped, his fault their daughter's arm and her finger had been broken, his fault that her body had been violated and used, his fault their daughters spent a terrifying night traipsing lost through the woods never knowing if they would make it to safety or be caught, his fault that his daughter wouldn't speak, his fault that they'd come so close to being killed. His fault – all of it. 

They heard Zoey and the kids in the kitchen and Abbey finally turned back to him. "We better go back in." 

"Yeah. Abbey?" He stopped her, as she was about to open the door. "I've really missed the kids." 

Her face softened slightly. "I know you have." 

"Do you think it would be okay if I take the old tent out of the mudroom and camp out with them in the backyard tonight." 

"Jed, it's not summer anymore. It gets cold at night." 

"We have those really good sleeping bags we bought when we took the girls to Denali National Park. I'll make sure the kids keep warm. It'll be good for them. I want them to have some fun with me." 

Abbey saw it then in her husband's eyes. Jed knew that her stay here was not going to be just a couple of weeks. He wanted his children to remember the fun quality time he had shared with them for the time when they were separated and spoke only by phone. 

"Okay. But don't forget to keep a couple of battery operated lanterns going all night for Aislinn." 

"I won't forget, Abbey. I can't forget." His eyes were filled with a deep pervading sadness. "I'll never forget." 


	8. Finding Our Way Back Home

Abbey stood in the kitchen watching with a lifted brow as Jed grabbed box after box of "Gerber Graduates" out of the cupboards to throw into the diaper bag he carried on his arm. Standing in his warm winter fleece sleeper that Abbey had insisted he wear after being bathed and brushing his teeth, Nicholas was giving out orders for snacks like a little general and Jed was obeying his every command. 

Hand on her hip, she surveyed the little drama playing out before her. "When you're finished listening to little Napoleon Bonaparte over here, you can put back all but a couple of those boxes." 

"They need snacks, Abbey," Jed protested. 

"They just ate supper, Jed. And, not all that long ago." 

"I need to make sure I have something they like." 

"How can you miss? You just emptied out the entire cupboard." 

"Then I should be all set." Jed kept his eyes locked with Abbey's. He wasn't giving in. "Kids, give your mother a kiss good-night. We're ready to head out." 

Holding a stack of her favorite books under her arm, Aislinn moved to Abbey accepting her big hug and kiss. Abbey could see the uncertainty in the little girl's big eyes, in the hesitancy to move from her embrace. 

"Do you WANT to spend the night outside with Daddy?" she asked. 

Aislinn looked back at Jed, then turned to her mother and nodded. 

"Are you just a little nervous because it's going to be dark out there?" 

Again, Aislinn nodded. 

"Well, Daddy is bringing camping lanterns, so he'll make sure it stays light in the tent." 

"That's right, Ash. I grabbed three of them, so if one goes out we have the others. And," He dug in the bag and pulled out a flashlight. "This is your own special light, so if you think it's too dark, you can use this yourself. Okay?" 

Aislinn smiled sweetly, the scared look leaving her eyes. 

"Me want light, too!" Nicholas was very offended that he'd been forgotten. 

"Hold on, Nick. I think I have one right here." Abbey began shifting things around in the junk drawer and found an old flashlight. "There, now you each have your own light." 

"So, I think we're all set, troops. Let's move it out." 

Panda immediately followed her young charges, but Max hung back with Abbey. 

"Wait, Daddy. Goggy come." 

"We have the doggy, Nick." 

"Max come, too." 

"Max." Jed whistled to the dog. 

Max took a step forward, then turned back to give his mistress a guilty look. 

"It's okay, Max." Abbey bent to kiss his muzzle. "You go have fun with Panda and the kids." 

Max licked Abbey's nose then padded off after the rest of his family. 

Abbey watched them until they entered the tent that Jed had erected while she had bathed the children, then turned to pull a bottle of Merlot out of the wine rack, grabbed a glass and headed to the back porch for a date with the warm relaxing hot tub. Without Jed, sliding into the water nude seemed pointless and unnecessary. There was no need to arouse her body with bubbling water between her legs and over her nipples if Jed wasn't going to be there to finish her off. Instead, she slipped into a bathing suit, grabbed some lavender stress relieving spa balls and dropped them into the bubbling cauldron. She dipped a toe into the water, testing the heat before sliding her whole body in and leaning back against the side. Sweet Baby James was singing to her over the sound system and she could feel the tension releasing from her body. She remembered reading that you weren't supposed to drink alcoholic beverages in the hot tub but she figured one glass of wine wasn't going to hurt anyone. In fact, it only added to the delicious lethargy in her limbs as she leaned her head back and closed her eyes, giving in to the sweet pummeling of her body. As she lay there in the quiet of the early evening, she could hear squeals of laughter coming from the tent that was set up near the house whenever a song ended and a new one was starting. It felt strange and lonely not to be a part of the "camping" trip – not be doing something like this as a family. 

Haunting Celtic flutes had replaced James Taylor by the time Zoey ventured out onto the porch. 

"Mom, you're not sleeping in there are you?" 

"No," Abbey murmured, her eyes still closed. "I'm just relaxing. Want to join me." 

"Actually, I was thinking about putting a movie in. Why don't you come in and join ME. We can have a girl's night. We'll make outrageous sundaes, watch _Cold Mountain_ and cry." 

"Well, when you put it like that, how can I resist?" 

Abbey got out of the hot tub, still feeling completely relaxed and went upstairs to put on a pair of flannel pajama bottoms and a T-shirt. By the time she got back to the kitchen, Zoey had pulled out the ice cream and all the condiments. Abbey took small scoops of vanilla, chocolate and strawberry ice cream, threw in a couple of banana slices, drizzled chocolate and caramel sauce all over the top and fought with Zoey over the whipped cream dispenser, each taking squirts directly into their mouths before adding it to their sundaes along with chopped walnuts. 

"Oh, God," Abbey groaned when she saw the size of her sundae. "I'm going to have to run ten miles tomorrow." 

"Oh, Mom, one sundae isn't going to kill you. Besides you could stand to put on a few pounds." 

"Now you sound like your father." 

"Now who sounds like your father?" 

Abbey had just taken a full squirt of whip cream in her mouth when she turned to see Jed in the doorway with the kids. 

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. WHAT is all this?" he asked, taking in the mess of sundae condiments on the counter. 

Abbey tried to swallow the evidence and Jed tried to ignore the suggestiveness of her licking the whipped cream off her lips. 

"We're just making a little snack." 

"A LITTLE snack. Geez, and you begrudged me a couple boxes of baby snacks." 

"Jed, what are you guys doing back here?" She noticed that Aislinn's eyes were a little red and puffy from crying and her attention immediately moved to her daughter. "Oh, honey, what's wrong?" 

"Azlin, fugutted her bankie." 

"Yes, we were just getting ready to snuggle up in the sleeping bag when Miss Aislinn realized that she forgot her blankie upstairs and, well, you KNOW what a crisis that is." 

Jed knew his daughter well enough to know that no amount of placating was going to get her through the night if she didn't have her blankie. 

"I'll run up and get it for you, Dad." 

Thanks, Zo." 

"Me ice ceem, Mumma. Peese." 

Abbey couldn't resist her adorable son anymore than Jed could, so, while Zoey went to get the blankie, she and Jed fed the kids spoonfuls of ice cream before they left again for the tent. 

**** 

The backyard camping trip proved to be a big hit with both Aislinn and Nicholas and it gave Jed some important one on one time with his children. The three sat Indian style on top of their sleeping bag and played several games of _Candyland_ and _Old Maid_ by lantern light and when Jed noticed the yawns becoming more pronounced, he pulled out the books they had chosen. Both kids climbed up into his lap, which made it a little difficult to read. 

"Are you sure that you guys wouldn't rather lay down and listen while I read to you?" 

"We needa see da pitchers, Daddy," Nicholas informed him, as he impatiently pushed open the book Jed held in his hands. 

"Oh, of course, I forgot all about the PICTURES!" Jed slapped his palm against his forehead. 

"Silly, Daddy," Nicky giggled and Aislinn wiggled to her knees to kiss her father's forehead where he had smacked himself. 

Several stories after the "final one" Jed had proclaimed, he finally got them to agree to lie down as long as he told them the "Daddy and Mommy" story. Jed lay back in the doublewide sleeping bag he usually shared with Abbey with a child tucked up under each arm their little bodies pressed tightly against his side. 

"Once upon a time, a long, long time ago…well not that long ago," he amended. "A very handsome young man went away to school. He was very lonely being so far away from his family and his friends and he still wasn't quite sure what he wanted to be when he grew up." 

"PWESDENT!" Nicky chortled. 

"Hey, who's telling this story?" Jed chuckled. "He became President later, but back then he wasn't sure what he wanted to do. He was feeling very sad about this, so his friend Jenny suggested he go to party with her to cheer him up. He agreed to go but he didn't really want to, he was just trying to please his friend. So, our hero went to the party and there were lots of people and lots of loud music and he thought about turning around and leaving since he didn't know anyone there, but that was when he saw HER." 

"MOMMY!" 

Aislinn reached a hand over Jed's chest to hit her brother on the head. 

"Daaadddy!" Nicky protested. 

"Aislinn, don't hit your brother." 

Aislinn placed a finger over her lips and Jed looked down at Nicholas. 

"I think she wants you to be quiet, sport. Now, where was I? Ah yes, that was when our hero saw the most beautiful young woman he'd ever seen and he felt like he'd been struck by a lightening bolt. She had prettiest long hair, the color of cinnamon and fire, and she was laughing with her friends. She had the nicest laugh and the sweetest smile. Our hero was completely captivated by such an enchanting creature and desperately wanted to meet her, but he was a bit shy back then. He decided to go out to have a ciga…" Jed caught himself, "a little walk and when he started to go back inside, he wasn't watching where he was going and he bumped right into that beautiful girl." 

"Kutz," Nicky laughed. 

"What do you know about klutzes, Nicky-boy? Has Mommy been telling you this story, too?" Jed knew that she used to tell them the same story from her point of view but with the way things were between them he wasn't sure if she did anymore. 

"Well, as I was saying, our hero bumped into the gorgeous girl and she spilled her bee…drink on her shirt." 

"But she wasn't mad." 

"Nope, you're very right. She wasn't mad. She laughed while he tried to help her clean up and she told our hero that her name was–" 

"Mommy!" 

"Abbey." 

"Das mommy." 

"Yes, Abbey is Mommy to you but she's Abbey to me and if you remember the story, darling son of mine, I'M the hero. So, she told me her name was Abbey and she was going out to have a cig…little walk. Our hero asked if he could join her. She agreed and our hero and the beautiful lady talked almost all night long and our hero found out that the girl was not only very beautiful, but also very, very smart, and he even gave her a little kiss." 

"Yuck." 

"Oh, our hero didn't think it was yucky at all. In fact, the two of them fell very deeply in love and it didn't take long for our hero to realize that the beautiful smart girl was the girl of his dreams, the love of his life. After he met the girl of his dreams, everything seemed to fall into place for him. He wasn't lonely anymore and he wasn't so shy and he even figured out what he wanted to be when he finished school." 

"Pwesdent?" 

"No, that came much later. He decided that he wanted to be a teacher and that he wanted to marry the beautiful lady. So when they finished school, our hero married the girl of his dreams and they lived happily ever after and later they became Nicky and Aislinn's…" 

"Mommy and Daddy!" Nicky clapped his hands with glee. 

"Yup. The end. Now, it's time to get some shuteye. We have to get up for church tomorrow." 

Once they had said their prayers, the three of them snuggled into the sleeping bag and Jed thought about the ending to the story that he had just told. He knew that life was not a fairytale, that living happily ever after required a lot of hard work and commitment, but never had he questioned that that was the ending to his and Abbey's own personal fairytale. It scared him to think that his wife might change the ending on him – on all of them. 

**** 

For the first time in he didn't know how long, Jed awoke, not to a wake up call from the White House operator, but to the very natural sounds of the world awakening. Of roosters crowing, birds chirping, horses neighing and cows mooing. Aislinn and Nicholas were snuggled up warmly on each side of him, Max and Panda lying across his feet. He lay for a long while just listening to his kids breathe and the soft sucking noises Nicholas made as he started to wake up and suck harder on his thumb. It was so nice not to have to rush off for anything, to know that he had the time to just lay here with his children in his arms, waiting patiently for them to wake up. 

When they finally did awaken, Jed changed their diapers and had them pack up all their books before they headed back to the house for breakfast. When they started up the porch stairs, Jed could smell the delicious scent of coffee brewing and bacon sizzling. As they entered the kitchen, he saw that Abbey was at the stove flipping blueberry pancakes. She was barefoot, her pretty pink painted toenails peeking out from the old faded jeans that she wore. Her hair was still damp and curly from her shower. Everything about his petite wife radiated femininity, a femininity that had always called out to the strong masculine side of him. Today was no different. 

"I hope you guys are hungry." Abbey turned from the stove and smiled as she watched her youngest two children yawning and rubbing at their sleepy eyes. 

"Wan my bubba," Nicky yawned. 

"I don't know about them, but I am." Jed leaned over the stove sniffing at the various pans. Abbey gazed at him out of the corner of her eye. He wore a pair of navy "Fighting Irish" sweatpants and a gray T-shirt. His dark gold hair was mussed and his jaw was covered with a day's growth of gold and silver stubble. Jed was never sexier than when he was sleepy and fresh out of bed. For one moment, she felt the pull of sexual attraction deep in her belly, her body calling out to his. She very nearly leaned into him, rubbing her own soft cheek against that rough stubble in the sensual manner that she loved. Instead, she forced herself to step away from him. She was determined not to let sex interfere with her healing process this time. This time they were going to have to deal with things head on. 

"Well, if you're so hungry, you can help. Why don't you squeeze the juice." 

"Gladly." Jed was happy at being included in the morning ritual. It felt more natural this way. He gathered up the oranges and started to slice them in half so he could use them with the juicer. "Abbey?" 

"Hmmm…" She turned to him. 

"When am I going to get to meet Aislinn and Zoey's therapist? I have to leave tomorrow." 

Long before he had arrived for this visit, Jed had made it clear to Abbey that he wanted to meet the doctor who was delving into his daughters' psyches and to be part of therapy decisions. 

"Today. I invited Grace to come over after Sunday dinner so she could meet you." 

"Good. I...Uh…I'd like to talk to her and get to know her. I'd like to know how I could help our girls." 

"So, you can get to know her today. The girls are very comfortable with her. I'M very comfortable with her." 

Jed could almost see Abbey's defenses rising. "Have you talked to her at all…About yourself?" 

"Jed…" Abbey's eyes sent daggers his way as Zoey plopped down at the kitchen table. "I told you, I'm FINE. I don't need help, now for God's sake, DROP IT." 

**** 

The media went crazy when the President and his family arrived at Holy Trinity, the church the Bartlets had always attended at home. It had been two weeks since the First Lady had taken her children and gone home to the family farm – two weeks in which she and her children had been in virtual seclusion, two weeks that the President had been alone in Washington. All eyes were on the couple scrutinizing their every move, but nobody was able to really tell just what the status of the relationship was. They were not holding hands as they normally did when they entered the church, but that was easily explained since they were each holding the hand of one of their toddlers and the President's other hand was closed over his daughter Zoey's. The First Lady wore dark sunglasses that covered her eyes, hiding any emotion that the camera lenses might fine. If the couple were not smiling and waving as they normally did, that wasn't so strange either. They had just been through an emotionally and physically devastating trauma and no one could expect them to be all smiles just yet. 

Back in Washington, the assembled senior staff released a collective sigh of relief when they saw the First Couple arrive together at church with their family. CJ and Leo had been afraid that the media coverage they would see would be of the President attending mass on his own, or at the very least, arriving in a separate car. Had that been the case, the media would have been circling like vultures and nothing but the problems of the First Family would fill the news. 

Well, Leo remarked to himself. At least she isn't to the point where she wants to hurt him politically. Yet. 

**** 

Jed sat at his customary spot at the head of the dining room table, Abbey directly across from him at the far end, the glue that held their family together. Between them still dressed in their Sunday best sat some of the members of his family – Elizabeth and her family, Zoey, and his two youngest who sat in high chairs, one next to him and one next to Abbey. All those beautiful red and gold heads. All those beautiful Bartlet voices. Those voices that were normally so loud and boisterous and that now took their cue from the strained silence between their parents. Jed tried to engage them all in conversation and, of course, Nicholas babbled away unaware of any tension, but it was still not a typical Bartlet dinner. 

By the time Dr. Grace Tyler arrived, the Bartlet family had retired to the living room. The football game played on the TV in the background. Zoey and Annie were helping Aislinn and Nicholas with some wooden puzzles. Abbey and Elizabeth were chatting over their cups of coffee and Jed sat on the couch with Gus learning to play the new game the boy had just gotten for his Gameboy. 

Jed was a bit wary in his introduction to Grace. She seemed nice enough and she was more than willing to answer his questions about the girls' therapy but he was still reserving judgment. He wondered how much Abbey had told her, wondered if she blamed him as well. Being so far away and on the outs with Abbey, he felt disconnected to his daughters' treatment and seeing the camaraderie between her and the girls and her and Abbey only made him feel more alienated. 

He watched with a puzzled frown as Aislinn approached the woman and tugged on her pant leg to get her attention. Grace smiled down at her knowing right away what Aislinn was so eagerly imploring her for with her eyes. 

"So, I see you're ready to give your daddy his surprise." 

Aislinn nodded with a big smile. 

"Okay, follow me." Grace began making movements with her hands that Aislinn perfectly mimicked and that completely bewildered Jed. 

"I…I don't understand. What is she doing?" 

"She's talking to you, Jed. The only way she can right now." Abbey explained. 

Jed still looked lost. 

"It's sign language," Grace smiled. "Aislinn is telling you, 'I missed you, Daddy. I'm glad you are here now.'" 

Jed's face froze, the tic in his jaw that came from repressed emotion was very evident to Abbey. Her husband was furious. 

Aislinn was staring at him with hurt and confused eyes. She had expected her father to be thrilled with her, but it was obvious he was not. 

"Jed!" Abbey's tone was sharp as she saw the tears welling in Aislinn's eyes. Jed noticed them at the same moment. 

"Oh, honey, don't cry." He knelt before her. "That was really good. I'm glad you're happy that I'm here. I love you, sweetheart." The sight of her tremulous smile caused him to envelop her in a big hug. The incident forgotten when he released her, she went back to work on the puzzle. 

"Can I talk to you two outside? In private." Jed's cool eyes were leveled on his wife and the therapist. 

"Of course." Grace could feel the undercurrents between the two but this was not foreign territory for her. She had dealt with resistant parents before. 

Bursting with anger, Jed barely made it out to the porch before he turned on the woman. "Why in the HELL are you teaching my daughter sign language?" he exploded. 

Grace didn't flinch at his anger. "Because Aislinn needs to be able to communicate." 

"She CAN communicate; she is CHOOSING not to. There is no problem with my daughter's voice." 

"Except that she won't use it." Abbey's arms were crossed defensively over her chest again. 

"And now she won't have to, will she? Don't you think that by teaching her sign language, all you're doing is making it easier for her not to speak again?" 

"I think you're more upset that she isn't your perfect little girl anymore than you are about the sign language." Abbey's eyes were a cool unflinching gray. She wanted to hurt her husband the way he was now hurting her by believing that she wasn't doing right by their daughter. 

"That's a low blow, Abbey, a really low blow. You KNOW I love that little girl unconditionally." He turned from Abbey to the therapist. "But don't you think this is going to keep her from needing to speak?" 

"No, sir. I don't. Aislinn will speak when she is ready. Until then I think that it's important that she be able to communicate." 

"YOU think. She's not YOUR daughter." 

"No, she isn't, but she is Mrs. Bartlet's daughter. I discussed this with her and she said to go ahead." 

"SHE said. Well, isn't that just great. Is there a reason that I wasn't consulted or informed?" 

"I think I'll go back inside and leave you two to discuss this alone." 

Grace entered the house and Jed whirled on Abbey, showing more emotion than he had all weekend. "Well, IS THERE?" 

"Don't you DARE judge me, Jed. You aren't here! You're in Washington and I'm the one who's here trying to pick up the pieces!" 

"YOU LEFT ME! I was ready to be right by your side helping everyone get through this." 

"Maybe you were, but I couldn't stay there, Jed. Us being up here. It's good. Look, I don't have all the answers. I'm doing the best that I can, but I'm flying by the seat of my pants here. I'm listening to her psychiatrist and I'm going by my instincts as her mother. You aren't here. You don't see her frustration, her struggles. All I want to do is communicate with my little girl and if sign language is going to help me to do that, then dammit, we're learning sign language." 

There was a long silence in which husband and wife simply stared at one another not sure where to go. It was Abbey who finally broke down, allowing Jed to see not only her anger but also her pain. 

"It HURTS, Jed. Seeing her like this HURTS. I've always been able to kiss the pain away and I can't do that this time. Do you know what that does to me? I'm a doctor, Jed. I'm supposed to be able to fix things but I can't fix my own little girl." The last few words were choked out as Abbey's eyes filled with tears. 

Jed softened at the evidence of his wife's pain and he lay a gentle hand on her shoulder. "I may not be able to be here, Abbey, but all I'm saying is that I want to be part of the decision making when it comes to her therapy. She's my daughter, too. I was there when she was conceived. I was holding you in my arms the entire night she was being created inside you. I talked to her every day while she grew in your womb. I lay in bed pressed up against your belly so I could feel her kicking and punching and pushing at me. I was there to hear her first heartbeat and I was there holding your hand while you worked so hard to give birth to her. I was the first one to see that blond little head emerging from your body and I was the one who cut her umbilical cord. I was the first person in this world to ever hold her. You don't think that I'd give my life for that little girl? I'd give anything to have been able to switch places with all of you. Do you know what it does to me to know that you took the blows that were meant to hurt ME? You don't think I wish with all my heart that it had been my arm they'd broken. God in heaven, Abbey, if you don't think this is killing me then you really don't know me at all." 

The pain in her husband's beautiful eyes was almost too much for Abbey to bear and her own indignation was replaced by understanding. 

"I'm not questioning how you feel about Aislinn or about what happened to us. I'm just asking you to trust me to do what's best for her. I'm her mother, Jed. I'd never do anything that wasn't in her best interest." 

"I know that Abbey and I do trust you, but I want to be consulted in the future." 

Abbey nodded slightly, acquiescing to his wishes just as a group of Secret Service agents swarmed the porch along with members of Jed's NSA team. None of them noticed the little girl in the window, her eyes widening with terror as the group surrounded her father. The bad men. The bad men were back and they were going to get her father this time. They were going to hurt her mother and make her cry again. They were going to get HER, hurt HER. Barely ably to breathe as the panic overwhelmed her, Aislinn raced from the room running as fast as she could to the one place she'd always felt safe. 

"Mom, Dad?" Zoey stepped out onto the porch as she saw the agents all head back down the stairs. 

"Your father has to go back to Washington," Abbey told her. "He has a situation to deal with." 

"Well, I hope it's not too urgent because I think you have a bit of a situation right here." 


	9. Finding Our Way Back Home

Aislinn lay under the covers with her eyes shut tight willing the feel of her warm parents on each side of her. She'd always been safe here snuggled in between her mommy and daddy, always safe and comforted. Maybe if she just didn't move, if she didn't make a sound, the bad men wouldn't find her. She heard the door to the bedroom open and her heart began to pound erratically. She was afraid, so afraid. She wanted her mommy, she wanted her daddy, and she wanted to scream. Instead, she scrunched her eyes more tightly shut as if believing that if she didn't see them, they couldn't see her. She felt the edge of the blankets move and pull back from where she lay hidden and she felt the scream building in the back of her throat, it was all she could do to keep from releasing it. 

"Aislinn?" Jed's voice was shocked as he took in his baby daughter in much the same position he'd found his wife in his first night home, all curled up in the fetal position, her eyes shut so tightly they were barely slits, tears forcing their way out and down her cheeks. 

The scream died in her throat as Aislinn heard her father's familiar voice, but her eyes stayed closed her body shaking with fear. 

"Aislinn, honey, it's Daddy. It's Daddy, Sunshine." Jed gently ran a hand over her shoulder. 

Aislinn slowly opened her eyes and through her tears took in the sight of her father sitting on the edge of the bed and her mother standing behind him with a worried frown. Relief flooded her tiny body and she threw herself into her father's arms sobbing quietly against his chest. 

"What the hell, happened?" Jed looked around the room for answers. "What did this to her?" 

"I don't know." Zoey was clearly confused and upset by her sister's behavior. "She was looking out the window at you and Mom on the porch, and the next thing we knew, she was running from the room as fast as she could." 

Abbey began running a soothing hand over her daughter's back while Jed continued to rock her in his arms. "Can you tell Mommy what scared you, buttercup?" she asked. "What happened to make you run away?" 

Aislinn regarded Abbey with eyes that were two pools of misery, but she couldn't tell her mother why she was scared, no matter how much she might want to. 

"Do you mind if I try?" Grace had been hanging back in the doorway. 

Both Abbey and Jed nodded their agreement. 

"Hi Aislinn, it's me, Dr. Tyler." Grace pulled Aislinn back from Jed's chest and started talking to her and using her fingers to sign as well. "Did you see something on the porch that scared you?" 

Aislinn nodded. 

For a long guilty moment, Abbey and Jed shared a glance thinking that their fight on the porch may have brought this on. 

"What did you see that scared you, honey?" 

Aislinn didn't know how to sign the words she needed to say so she mouthed them. Nobody quite understood what she was trying to say. Nobody, that is, but Nicky. 

"Bad men," he said. 

"What?" Jed turned to look at his son. 

"Azlin say, bad men." 

"Did you see bad men?" Abbey asked her. 

Aislinn nodded her eyes filling again with tears. It hit Jed then. The Secret Service men who had come running up on the porch. Aislinn had been raised surrounded by Secret Service agents, but they were usually the same people. She'd had the same agent since she was a baby, Abbey always had the same agents and so did he, most of the time, but two of the agents who had accompanied him on the trip this time were new. Aislinn didn't know them the way that she did Ron Butterfield and other agents. 

"It was the agents," he said flatly. "She thought the agents were bad men." 

Abbey nodded through tears, her heart breaking at the evidence of the deep-seated fears her daughter still had. 

"Did you think the bad men were coming to take away your daddy?" 

Aislinn nodded and buried her face fiercely back into Jed's chest her arms gripping him as tightly as possible, as if she'd never let him go. 

"Those weren't bad men, Aislinn," Jed assured her. "They were good men – the men who protect Daddy and Mommy, and Zoey and Aislinn and Nicholas. They were good people just like Ron and Anita and your own Mike. They were just new, so you've never met them. Nobody was here to take me or Mommy or you away. You're safe, Sunshine. No one's going to let the bad men get near you again." Jed lifted her tiny little chin, a lump filling his throat as he took in big confused sea green eyes swimming with tears and long dark lashes still wet and spiky. "I promise you, sweetheart. We won't let anything like that ever happen to you again." 

Grace Tyler stood back watching the Bartlet family with professional interest. Since she had begun treating the Bartlet girls, Abigail Bartlet's entire focus had been on her daughters. She knew the woman had been through plenty of trauma herself, but she never spoke of herself and she very rarely spoke of the President, either positively or negatively, so it had been hard to get a grasp on what they were going through as a family. Earlier on the porch, she had gotten a glimpse into the relationship and it was clear that the couple was at odds and that there were a lot of unresolved emotions lying just under the surface. However, watching them now as they worked together to comfort their young daughter, it was easy to see the deep bond that they shared and the very real love that they had for their child. Their earlier argument had been caused by the very real need they both had to do what was best for Aislinn and the fact that they couldn't agree what exactly that was. But right now they knew instinctively, as parents, as a couple, that what she needed most was both of their comforting presence and they gave that to her – all anger, all resentment shoved into the background as they put her needs first. Watching them now, Grace knew deep inside, as a professional, that this was a couple who was going to make it. Yes, they had many issues to resolve, but clearly the love and the commitment was still there buried under the layers of pain and resentment. Once they dug through those layers, they would find that love again and it would blossom, perhaps even stronger than it had before. 

**** 

Leaving was hard on both Jed and his children. 

"No go, Daddy…NO GO." Nicky was clinging to his father's leg while Aislinn cried in her mother's arms. 

"Nicholas, honey. I have to go on the big plane back to Washington, but I'll call you tonight before you go to bed." 

"NO BIG PANE…NO … BIG… PANE!" Nicky was quickly moving into a tantrum. Jed cast Abbey a helpless look and she came to his rescue. She passed Aislinn off to Zoey, who was experiencing her own sadness at her father's departure, and knelt down to her son's level. 

"Nicky, Daddy has to leave," Abbey tried to reason with him and pull him off Jed's leg. 

"No, Mumma, NO!" Nicky swatted at her angrily. 

"Nicholas, listen to me. You have to be a good boy and let Daddy leave. If you do, we can play with the clay Mommy got you this afternoon. You can make a special masterpiece to give to Daddy the next time that you see him." 

"I'd love that, Nicky." Jed ruffled his hair. "I can put it right on my desk in the Oval Office where the whole world can see it." 

Nicky clearly liked that idea. "Mumma, cook?" 

"Yes, I'll even bake them for you and we'll put them in a special box so we can keep them safe until you see Daddy again." 

Aislinn tugged on Abbey's jeans and her fingers moved the way her doctor and mother had been teaching her. 

"Yes, you can make some, too," Abbey smiled. It pleased her immensely to understand what Aislinn was saying and to realize that she was really starting to get the hang of sign language. 

With the promise of making clay figures, Nicky's red faced anger had calmed to sniffles and Abbey was able to lift him away and hand him over to Zoey too. 

"I need to talk to your father," she told her daughter, then turned to follow Jed down toward the waiting motorcade. Jed knew with a heavy heart what his wife was going to say. He thought about all the tension of his visit. Of Abbey flinching away from him and freezing with panic when he touched her, of Aislinn's terror of the new Secret Service agents and the tantrums created when he had to leave. None of those emotional turmoils could be good for his recovering family. 

"Jed." Abbey didn't know how to say what she was about to say. 

He knew exactly what was coming and seeing just how miserable his wife was, he decided to give her a break. "You don't want me to come back." 

"I just think that we need more time, more space. It's only been two weeks. These problems aren't going to disappear overnight. They need more time. I need more time and having you flitting in and out is just too confusing and emotional for them." And for me she thought. 

"I can see that. How long?" 

"I don't know," Abbey's voice was a broken whisper. "I told you, I don't have all the answers." 

"I'll give you your space, Abbey." Those were some of the hardest words Jed had ever spoken, but he knew it was for the best. "But, I will keep in touch with the kids." 

"Of course, I'd expect you to." 

"And I want to be kept in the loop when it comes to Zoey and Aislinn's treatment." 

"Okay." 

"Abbey." Jed leaned down and kissed her gently on the cheek. "I love you." 

Abbey lifted sad eyes to his. Somehow hearing that only made it worse. "Love has never been our problem, Jed." 

"I guess not." His heart heavy with sadness, Jed climbed into the car for the long lonely trip back to the emptiness of Washington D.C. 

**** 

Abbey tried to be cheerful for her children while they worked on making clay figurines, but Jed's departure had been incredibly hard on her. Despite the tension and the pain, a part of her had hoped that at some point he would push her to respond to him. That he would start an argument and she could force him to come clean about Shareef, about why he did what he did, why he had kept it hidden from her, why he had let her find out on TV. While he'd been at the house, there had been a chance at clearing the air but now that chance was gone. Conversely, there was a bit of relief at his departure. Nobody could see into her soul the way that Jed did and with him gone, nobody could force her to face her own trauma, to face what she herself had been through. 

While the clay baked, Abbey went up to the spare room and began to clear away the bed linens Jed had used so they could be washed. She picked up his pillow to remove the pillowcase and paused when she caught a whiff of his cologne. She sat down on the chair next to the bed and pulled the pillow into her chest, inhaling his scent deeply. Tears burned in her eyes and she buried her face into the pillow, never hearing the patter of little feet that entered the room. 

Uncomfortable at seeing his usually strong mother this way, Nicholas stood uneasily by her side placing a pudgy little hand on her knee. It bothered him to see her like this. He didn't see his mommy cry very often, and when she was sad or mad, his daddy usually could make her smile, but this time he hadn't been able to. This time he seemed to make her even more sad. 

Abbey pulled the pillow away from her face wiping quickly at the tears when she saw her son. "Nicky?" 

"Mumma sad?" he asked. 

"Yeah, buddy." Abbey bent and lifted him up onto her lap, snuggling him up against her breasts as much to comfort herself as to comfort him. "Mumma is very sad." 

**** 

"Not so perfect now, are you, Josiah? Damn near got your family killed. How does that feel?" 

"No, no, it wasn't my fault." 

"Abbey certainly thinks it is. She left you, didn't she? I always knew that girl was too good for you. It was only a matter of time before she opened her eyes to see you for who you really are. You talk a good game, Jed, but underneath it all, your morality and your convictions are no better than anyone else's. You're weak, son, and you're not nearly as smart as you think that you are. For years it was only me who saw it, but now SHE sees it, doesn't she? And, she's never going to come back…never going to come back…never going to come back…." 

"NO!" Jed awoke with a start, his T-shirt sticking to his back with sweat. He shook his head trying to clear his father's voice from his mind, but couldn't seem to do so. It was still there, cold, taunting, arrogant and dripping with disdain. 

Haunted by the nightmare and knowing he wouldn't get back to sleep that night, Jed turned on the bedside lamp and grabbed his journal. 

> _"Dearest Abigail…"_

**** 

For days after Jed's departure, Abbey was only going through the motions of living and caring for her children. She watched the geese fly south, overwhelmed by a melancholy at the change of seasons that she could not seem to shake. At times she felt like bursting into tears, at other times she wanted to explode with anger and other times she wanted to stay hidden away from the world forever. It was the worse sense of desolation she had ever experienced and, if not for her children and their need of her, she might have given in to the despair and stayed curled up in bed all day. Instead, she pushed herself to get through the depression and the pain and concentrate on them and on her future, realizing that it was time for her to get down to some real soul searching. Time for her to come to terms with all that had happened over this past year. 

That had really become really apparent to her when she'd found Zoey in the attic one rainy day going through a box of memories. It hit her like a blow to see pictures of her and Jed when they were dating. Pictures of her sitting on his lap and laughing by St. Mary's pond, the Basilica of Notre Dame in the background, pictures of him giving her a piggyback ride across campus, pictures of them sitting on a couch at a party making goofy smiles at the camera. They looked like kids. They HAD been kids; she'd only been nineteen when they met. Two kids crazy in love and not afraid to show it to the world. Her eyes fell to the letters that she had lovingly bound with a purple ribbon. The letters that Jed had written the summer they had been separated – with him teaching on the Indian Reservation and her helping out with her father's practice back in Salem. Those love letters had been so filled with youthful emotion and romantic tender love. It had shown her a side to Jed that was so hard for him to express when they were together in person and had caused her infatuation with him to turn into the deepest kind of love that she could imagine. Pain gripped Abbey's chest now at the thought of how much she loved that man and she lashed out with that pain. 

"What are you doing?" she snapped angrily at Zoey. "Those are my personal things." 

Zoey turned to look at her mother with wide eyes. "I…I'm sorry, Mom. I wasn't reading the letters or anything. Nicky and Aislinn wanted to see pictures of you and Daddy from the 'Mommy and Daddy' story and the photo albums that we have downstairs all start with your wedding. I knew these pictures were up here. We used come up here when we were kids and look at them and you'd tell us stories…" 

Abbey's anger dissipated with her daughter's rambling excuse. She sat down on the floor beside Zoey and ran a hand over her cheek. "I'm sorry, baby. I shouldn't have snapped at you. I guess I've been in a bit of a mood, haven't I?" 

"I think we all have." Zoey stared at her mother's profile while Abbey started to pick through the box. Her mother had been in a mood for over a month now and it confused and bothered Zoey. This behavior was so uncharacteristic of her. It was her mother who had always taught them to get things out in the open and not let things fester and grow. Irish temperaments had often prevailed in their family and crying and yelling had been okay in the Bartlet house, to a certain degree. Sometimes her father closed off and retreated, but rarely did her mother. Her mother met things head on, dealt with them and moved on. She rarely carried grudges and when apologies were made, she forgave and forgot. Zoey had never had to wonder where she stood with her mother, or when she might explode, but now was a different story. Her mother wasn't meeting her feelings head on, in fact, she refused to even admit that she had any problems, but Zoey knew that she did. She saw the pain in her mother's eyes every time her father called and she didn't speak with him. She heard her crying in her bedroom late in the night and guilt would tear at Zoey's soul. She couldn't even imagine what horrific things had happened to her mother at the hands of those terrorists after she had run away with Aislinn. Terrible depraved things that were causing her to push her father further and further away from her. Part of her knew exactly why her mother was closing off and another part of her refused to acknowledge what she knew had happened, for it was she who had left her behind. Left her to bear the brunt of the terrorists' sadistic anger. 

Abbey's eyes filled with nostalgic tenderness as she took out baby books, touched locks of fine strawberry blond hair, traced impossibly tiny ink splotted newborn footprints and slipped little hospital bracelets around her pinkie finger. "Elizabeth Anne Bartlet 6 lbs. 2oz. 18 in., mother Abigail Bartlet" "Zoey Patricia Bartlet 3 lbs. 4 oz. 12 in., mother Abigail Bartlet" "Aislinn Faith Bartlet 4 lbs. 8oz 16 in., mother Abigail Bartlet" "Nicholas Josiah Bartlet 4 lbs. 3oz, 15 in., mother Abigail Bartlet." She smiled softly as she came across the hand-made bracelet that she had made with Ellie when her daughter was around four years of age and very upset that she didn't have a hospital bracelet like her big sister Elizabeth. She hadn't understood that it was because her mother had delivered her at home so the two of them had sat down and made her very own bracelet "Eleanor Emily Bartlet 7 lbs. 5oz 19 in., mother Abigail Bartlet." 

All these children, all these memories. They were a family, the Bartlet family. A family was supposed to stick together, Abbey would always be the first one to stress that. Friends came and went boyfriends came and went colleagues came and went, but your family was always your family no matter what. When the chips were down, those were the people that you turned to in times of need. Those were the people who helped you get back up on your feet, the people who knew you better than anyone else in the world. The people who loved you no matter how crabby or bitchy you were, no matter what kind of mistakes that you made. But, Abbey had been shutting them all out, keeping everyone at arms length. For weeks now, she had been pushing all the bad stuff into the back of her mind where it couldn't hurt her, but she knew now that it was time to take it all out and face it once and for all. Her family deserved that. 


	10. Finding Our Way Back Home

"When she told me she loved me, you could have knocked me over with a feather. I mean, she was Abigail O'Neill and she was absolutely gorgeous. Beautiful fiery hair that fell all the way to her waist, mysterious, expressive eyes the color of the sea, a warm throaty laugh that could make my breath catch in my throat and curves that made any thought I might have had about joining the priesthood a joke. She attracted guys like bees to honey." 

"Your wife is a very beautiful, very sensual woman," Stanley agreed. 

"But, you know, everyone thinks that but it's always been more than just her beauty. Abbey was confident and feisty and smart as a whip and she had that kind of sarcastic humor that has always attracted me. She teased me and she challenged me and she had this really wonderful caring, nurturing side to her that makes her such a great doctor and mother. When I was with her, I can't explain it, I just felt like I was loved." 

"And it surprised you that a woman like that could fall in love with you?" Stanley asked. "Why?" 

"What do you mean, why?" 

"I've seen pictures of you in college. You were a pretty good-looking guy and from what I hear a damn near brilliant mind and campus leader. Why would you think she was out of your league?" 

Jed looked at the ground. 

"Because your father told you that you couldn't be loved?" 

Jed's eyes lifted quickly. Stanley had definitely hit a raw nerve. It had taken a very long time for him to rid himself of the nightmare that Abbey would decide that she could do far better than him. 

"Is that why you won't go back to New Hampshire?" 

"Abbey asked me not to come back for awhile." 

"I think I know you well enough by now to say that you haven't always listened to your wife's ultimatums. Are you not going back there because you're afraid that she doesn't love you anymore?" 

"You seem to know everything, Stanley," Jed snapped. "You tell me." 

"I think you won't go up there because you feel that your wife is punishing you and you feel the need to be punished. You've never really dealt with all the ramifications of having Abdul Shareef assassinated and I think staying away is your way of doing penance for that and for the kidnapping that occurred as a result." 

"If you knew me as well as you think that you do, you'd know that I'll never finish doing penance for that." 

**** 

"Well, did you learn anything by having me here?" Abbey sat in her sitting room with Aislinn on her lap having just been a part of one of her therapy sessions. Aislinn sat leaning back against her chest quietly toying with the yarn hair of the puppet she held. Her daughter was always a bit drained after a session. 

"As a matter of fact I learned quite a bit. I think I know why Aislinn refuses to 'playact' with you." Grace had found that in dealing with children, it was easier for them to play out their fears or explain their trauma through play than it was to talk it out and since Aislinn refused to talk, this made even more sense. She had been making some real headway with the little girl through play therapy and had suggested that Abbey work with her as well. But, whenever Abbey picked up the dolls and puppets and tried to engage her daughter, Aislinn had withdrawn from that and tried to get her to color or read to her or do a puzzle. 

"Why?" Abbey's confusion was apparent. She was the girl's mother; she did everything for her and if there was anyone she should be comfortable playacting out her problems with it should be her. 

"Aislinn." Grace took the little girls hand. "I need to talk to your mommy for a few minutes. Do you think you could sit over with Nicholas and color?" 

Aislinn's clinginess to Abbey had been slowly abating, especially in the house, but there were still moments when the separation anxiety was great, especially right after a therapy session. 

"It's okay, buttercup. We'll be right in the hall and you'll be with Nicky. You can't let Nicky use all the new coloring books himself, can you?" 

Aislinn shook her head negatively and climbed off Abbey's lap to join her brother at the coffee table while Abbey and Grace left the room standing just outside the door in the hallway. 

"So, why won't she playact with me?" 

"She's protecting you." 

"What? She's two and a half. How can she be protecting me." 

"She was in that room when you were being terrorized, when you were being hurt, wasn't she?" 

"Yes," Abbey swallowed. "For some of it. Not everything." 

"Well, I have to be frank with you, Abbey. When she's with me, she has acted out you being hit and…well, touched inappropriately. Did that happen?" 

"Yes." Abbey hated the sound of shame in her voice. 

"Did it happen to Aislinn?" 

"No," Abbey spit out angrily. "I never let them get their grubby paws on her. Well…" she amended thinking of Aislinn dangling from Khaleel's arms. "Not that way anyway. I didn't let them touch her or Zoey that way." 

Grace placed a hand on Abbey's forearm. She knew what the other woman was leaving unsaid. That she had used herself to protect her daughters from such advances. "Aislinn drew tears on the doll meant to represent you and it obviously bothered her very much to see that happening to you. I don't think she wants to make you upset again by playacting it out with you." 

"God, Grace. She's just a little girl." 

"A very perceptive, very loving little girl. She knows how hard you tried to protect her. She's playacted out many scenes with the puppets where she has you standing in front of her to shield her from the 'bad men' puppets. She adores you, Abbey. She doesn't want to cause you any more pain." 

Abbey gazed through the door at her daughter all hunched over her coloring book, her blond curls spilling over to shield her face from view. "That's a pretty heavy burden on those thin little shoulders. I don't want her to feel that way, Grace. I want her to know that she can come to me with her fears." 

"I know you do. I think maybe if you sit on the floor by yourself while she is in your vicinity and just start playacting out things that happened in the trailer she can see that you are okay with it." 

"I'll give it a try. Whatever works, I guess. Now, tell me about, Zoey, because she won't talk to me either. It seems to me that the longer we spend here, the more she is withdrawing from me." 

"Zoey's problems are a little different. She's suffering from something commonly known as 'Survivor's Guilt'". 

"Survivor's Guilt? But, nobody died." 

"It doesn't only pertain to death. Zoey is experiencing terrible guilt because she ran away and left you behind. Hence she 'survived' while she feels she left you behind to bear the wrath of the terrorists' fury." 

"I told her to take Aislinn and run. Hell, I'M the one that came up with the plan. She didn't want to do it. I practically had to force her to leave." 

"It doesn't matter. In her mind, you are the one who had to pay for her escape and I think she feels that the price was too high for you to pay." 

"No price was too high," Abbey stated softly, her voice almost a whisper. "I'd have paid any price to get my daughters out of that hellhole. I think that it's high time that Zoey and I have a long mother/daughter chat." 

"I think that's a very good idea. And, be honest with her, Abbey. She needs to know exactly what happened to you, even the really horrific things, because I can guarantee you that what is running through her mind is probably much, much worse than what really happened." 

**** 

> _A hundred days had made me older_  
>  Since the last time that I saw your pretty face   
> A thousand lights had made me colder   
> And I don't think I can look at this the same   
> But all the miles that separate,   
> They disappeared now when I'm dreaming of your face. 
> 
> I'm here without you, baby,   
> but you're still on my lonely mind.   
> I think about you, baby   
> and I dream about you all the time   
> I'm here without you, baby,   
> but your still with me in my dreams,   
> And tonight it's only you and me.   
>    ( _Here Without You_ by Three Doors Down)

Emily Bartlet stepped out of the Lincoln bedroom and moved down the hall to see if her son was dressed and ready to move down to the reception. She was filling in for Abbey as hostess tonight and was actually feeling quite excited about that. Despite the fact that she was closing in on eighty, she was still fairly spry for her age and was looking forward to a glamorous night at the White House with her son, the President of the United States. Sometimes she had to remind herself that this was not a dream, that her handsome, dashing Josiah actually WAS the President of the United States. Her uncharacteristic almost girlish giddiness lasted until she entered the living room and found Josiah sitting half-dressed on the couch staring into space. 

"Josiah, what's wrong? We need to get down to the reception and you're only half dressed." 

Jed shook his head pulling himself out of the past, a past when he and Abbey would dress together for functions, teasing and bickering as they prepared for the night ahead. 

"I don't know, Mother. Lately I don't feel like I have the energy to get through much of anything." 

Emily's eyes immediately went sharp. Since finding out that her son had been diagnosed with M.S., she had been doing a lot of reading and had peppered her daughter-in-law with questions. "Is it…Are you feverish? Do you think we should call in Dr. –" 

Jed lifted a hand to cut his mother off. "It isn't the M.S., Mother." 

"Then what is it?" 

"I don't know. Depression, I guess. I really don't know. All I know is that I miss Abbey and the kids so much and sometimes that ache is so overwhelming that it's all I can do to get up and face the day." Jed surprised himself by opening up to his mother. They had never had this kind of relationship before. 

"And yet, you ran away." 

"I didn't run away, Mother. I had to come back here for a situation." 

"Yes, and Abbey asked you not to come back to the farm. I don't see you running back up there and trying to make things right." 

"I don't know how to make things right. I wish I did but I don't. I've made so many mistakes, Mother." 

"Well, that's the thing about mistakes, Josiah. You can always fix them." 

"I'm afraid to try. I'm afraid that if I push her, if I try to make her see things my way, she'll push back and cut me out of her life forever." 

"Oh, come on…" Emily scoffed, shaking her head. "Do you honestly believe that that woman could cut you out of her life forever? You two are more connected than any two people I've ever known. Don't forget, son, I was there the night that you were shot and hovered between life and death in surgery. I saw Abigail's terror. I saw her pain. I saw that amazing love that she has for you, and I could see as plain on the nose on your face that if you were separated from her that she would be losing a part of herself." 

"This is different." 

"No, it's not. She's hurting right now and you're just giving up." 

"I'm not giving up, Mother. I told you, I'm giving her some space." 

"No, you're staying down here feeling sorry for yourself. You're giving up, Josiah, and if it's one thing I never thought I'd see you become, it's a quitter. You can't be a quitter when it comes to your marriage." 

**** 

"Sally." Abbey was surprised when she opened the front door to see her sister-in-law since she hadn't called to say that she was planning a visit. 

"Hi, Abbey. Jon brought me a couple of bushels of apples back from the orchard and I've been up to my eyeballs in pies and cobblers. I know how much Zoey loves my apple cobbler, so I thought I'd bring one over for you and the kids." 

"Oh, well, thank you, please come in." Abbey stepped aside to allow Sally entry. 

Sally took a deep breath as she walked down the hall to bring her cobbler to the kitchen. She hadn't been sure how she would be received. She and Jon had been calling Abbey to visit with her and the children, but her sister-in-law had always found a reason to hold them at bay. Jed had told them not to take it personally, that Abbey was pretty much holed up with the children at the farm and didn't really want visitors, but Sally felt it was important to make the effort. She and Abbey had never been the closest of friends but they had always gotten along well and they were family. Their lack of closeness stemmed more from a lack of shared interests and a disparity in temperament than anything else. 

She and Abbey were pretty much as different as night and day. Where she wore loose fitting shin length country tweed skirts, Abbey wore pencil slim above the knee designer numbers guaranteed to show off her shapely legs. Where she wore sensible flats and low-heeled pumps, Abbey wore strappy four-inch Manilo Blahnik stilettos. While her gowns were considered conservative and matronly when she attended White House functions, Abbey was constantly in the press for her daring slim fitting, low cut gowns designed to show off her sexy curvaceous figure to its best advantage. While she always wore understated pearls, Abbey was just as likely to flash tasteful diamonds around her elegant neck. While she wore one piece bathing suits with thigh hiding skirts, Abbey wore risqué bikinis that sometimes even bared the daring Celtic knot tattoo at the base of her hip. Where her nondescript short brown hair was perfectly coifed in the same style she'd had for the past twenty years, Abbey's was a sensual, ever changing, long mane of fiery russet curls and she was just as likely to wear it loose and sexy as she was to throw it up in a ponytail. While she was a quiet librarian at the prep school where her husband had been headmaster (her social life consisting of afternoon teas with other faculty wives), Abbey was a doctor in Boston, just as likely to lunch with her friends at outdoor café's on Newbury Street as she was to attend political teas. While she was shy, quiet and calm, Abbey was a fiery, passionate, spitfire. While she was childless by design, not by choice and had spent her life looking after the "surrogate" children that were the students of the school, Abbey had five beautiful children of her own three of whom were "accidents" attributed to her and her husband's very active sex life. 

To any person looking at them side by side and looking at their lives, they would have to say that Sally had to be incredibly jealous of her beautiful, glamorous sister-in-law, but the truth was that Sally was not. Although there were times when she envied Abbey, after all there weren't many women who wouldn't want to look like Abigail Bartlet and have a marriage like hers, and of course, she envied her Jed's five beautiful babies. But, overall she was happy with her quiet, country life and her quiet unassuming husband, for if she and Abbey were polar opposites, so were Jon and Jed. John Bartlet's abuse had molded his boys in two entirely different ways. While Jon acquiesced and turned inward, all the fight taken out of him, Jed had grown stronger, surer of who he was and who he didn't want to be. He had turned into an outgoing, powerful, larger than life man, the kind of man who by virtue of that power, strength and passion scared Sally, as much as Abbey's saucy feistiness scared Jon. Because of all that, Sally was able to enjoy her sister-in-law without envy or jealousy getting in the way. And now, more than anything, she wanted to help her and her nieces. 

Silently, the sisters-in-law sat at the kitchen table, neither knowing what to say. Finally, Sally decided the children would be safe topic. 

"How are the kids? Is Aislinn still not speaking?" 

"They're doing a little better. The nightmares are easing up a bit, but, no Aislinn isn't speaking yet." 

"Jed's really worried about that." 

"You talked to Jed?" 

"We try to call him once a day. He's really taking all of this quite hard. I don't like how depressed he sounds. He doesn't sound like Jed anymore. Emily is down there right now playing hostess for some dinner and performance with a North Korean pianist." 

Abbey's heart constricted at the mention of her husband, at the thought of life going on in the White House. "Yes…well…" she trailed off. 

It was obvious to Sally that Jed was not going to be a topic for discussion. The pain was quite evident in Abbey's eyes and Sally thought once again on how much easier that it was not to be a passionate person, not to feel things as deeply as people like Abbey and Jed did, for all that did was make the pain ten times worse. 

"Abbey, I know things are really hard right now. I just want you to know that Jon and I are here for you." She reached across the table to take Abbey's hand. "If you or the kids need anything at all at any time, you call us. We're your family, too." 

"I know, Sally." Abbey nodded. She knew that she would never call them, but it was nice to know that they were there, that they cared. "That means a lot to me." 

**** 

The opportunity to talk to Zoey came sooner than Abbey had thought it would. One evening after she had put the twins to bed, she had come down to find Zoey glued to CNN. They were showing scenes from Jean Paul's arraignment. 

"White House sources tell us that President Bartlet himself called France's President Chirac to pressure the leader to help stop the forces fighting for extradition in this case. President Bartlet has been a real force in working to keep the man allegedly responsible for the kidnapping of his wife and two daughters here to be tried in the United States." 

"Zoey–" Abbey touched her daughter's shoulder and Zoey looked up at her with wet eyes. She tried to smile to cover her pain but Abbey saw right through that. 

"What's going on with him?" Abbey nodded toward the TV. 

"Daddy won. They're trying him here." 

"How do you feel about that?" 

"I just want it to be over." 

"How do you feel about HIM?" Abbey sat down next to her and took her hand. 

"I've moved beyond hate. For a while after it happened, I hated him so much it was eating away at me. Now…" Zoey turned away. 

"Now what?" Abbey's voice was gentle, encouraging, not pushy in the least. 

"Now I just hate myself." 

"Zoey!" Abbey was shocked. 

"I do, Mom. I was so stupid. Such a stupid, stupid little girl. I let him use me to hurt my family." 

"Zoey, honey, you had no idea of the things that he was up to. None of us did." 

"But I should have! I spent so much time with him…I thought I loved him…" 

"Zoey, that–" 

"For God's sake, Mom, I SLEPT with him! I SLEPT with the enemy and every time I think about how I let him touch me it makes me want to throw up." 

Abbey was silent for a moment digesting her daughter's words – her daughter's torment. Sometimes it was so hard to remind herself that Zoey was not a little girl anymore. 

"Oh, honey…I'm so sorry. I know how hurt you must feel…how betrayed." 

"No, you DON'T know how I feel. Nobody's every betrayed you like that. Daddy is the only man that you've ever slept with and he would never, EVER have hurt you or betrayed you." 

Abbey knew there were different levels of betrayal, but she knew in her heart that Jed would never betray her with the intention of hurting her. "No, you're right, he wouldn't. But, you know, Zoey, just because your father is the only man that I've ever slept with doesn't mean that I was never hurt or betrayed by other boyfriends. I know it doesn't compare to what you just went through, but I can empathize with you, sweetheart. I know how scary it is to trust somebody with your heart, and even more so with your body. I dated your father for almost a year before we made love and I was still scared to death." 

"I should have waited. You always told me to wait until I knew that it was right, until –– what did you always say –– until I could trust that the person I was sharing myself with could be trusted with knowing what a gift that I was giving him. I knew Jean Paul was not that man. I knew that he didn't see me giving myself to him as a gift and I still did it. I slept with him for all the wrong reasons. I did it because I wanted to prove to him that I was not the bourgeois little girl that he thought I was. I wanted to feel like a grown up sophisticated woman of the world." 

"And did you feel that way with him?" 

"No. I just felt empty." 

Abbey's heart bled for her daughter. "Honey, if you feel empty after making love then you aren't making love at all, you're just having sex. After making love you should feel so full and so enriched that you just want to burst with it." 

"I should have known then that he didn't love me. I was so blind. I brought him into our HOME, Mom. I FORCED him to play with Aislinn! And all along he was plotting to have us kidnapped, to have us KILLED. I'm so sorry, Mama. I'm so sorry…I'm so sorry…" Zoey's shoulders began to shake and she broke down bursting into tears. 

"Oh, baby, you have nothing to apologize for." Abbey pulled her into her arms, resting her daughter's head against her chest. "It's not your fault. None of what happened is your fault." 

"YES IT IS!" she sobbed. "I brought him into our lives! I ignored all the signs! I LEFT you to be RAPED by those animals! And now, because of me you and Daddy aren't even speaking anymore. I probably RUINED your marriage." 

Abbey was shocked. She'd had no idea how deep-seated her daughter's guilt and torment ran. "Zoey, first of all, let me ease your mind about one thing. I wasn't raped after you left." 

Zoey turned confused eyes her way. "But…but the plan." 

"I started to go through with our plan. Mentally, I was ready to go through with it all. Unfortunately, or fortunately as the case may be, my mind could not convince my body. Before I could…do what he wanted me to do for him. I threw up. All over him." 

"You threw up!" Zoey's eyes widened and her cheeks flushed with color as she realized what he must have wanted her mother to do for him. It made her sick to her stomach to even think of her mother in that position. "Wasn't he angry?" 

"Angry is putting it mildly. He was furious. But, it actually bought me some time while he cleaned himself off. He brought me to another room. He stripped me naked and he tied my wrists to the bedposts. He…" 

"Mom, STOP," Zoey cried, covering her face with her hands. 

"Zoey," Abbey gently removed her hands from her eyes. "That's as far as it went. He came very, very close but he didn't get the chance to go all the way. He didn't have time. The others discovered that you and Aislinn were gone. He left me to search for you." 

"And when they got back? They must have been furious." 

"Yes, they were." 

"What did they do to you?" Zoey's voice was nearly a whisper. 

For a moment, Abbey came very close to lying to her, but then remembered Grace urging her to tell her the whole truth. She took a deep breath and proceeded on. "Khaleel used a cigarette to burn me…my breasts." 

Zoey gave a sharp gasp of horror. "He burned you? With a CIGARETTE…Oh, Mommy." Zoey threw her arms around her mother and for a moment Abbey allowed herself to be comforted, but only for a moment, for it was Zoey she was trying to reassure. For Zoey, the image of the cigarette burns was horrific but maybe a little less so than the images of barbaric gang rape that she had assumed her mother had repeatedly gone through. 

"It's okay, Zoey. It really wasn't that horrible. Right after it happened Azim drugged me and put me in a closet so I really don't remember that much about the pain. I was pretty much in and out of it the rest of the time that I was there. And, when I was in that dark closet, barely able to breathe at times do you know what was going through my mind?" 

"What?" 

"I was thanking God that you got yourself and Aislinn out of there and that I didn't have to worry about you both anymore. That you were safe." 

"I still can't help feeling bad about that." 

"Zoey, don't. You saved my life. The night that I was rescued, they were planning to kill me and make a run for it. If you'd stayed, the four of us including Toby would have been killed. Because of you, the FBI was able to find us and save us." 

"Really?" 

"Really, baby." Abbey smiled softly and kissed her daughter's forehead. "Now, as for what's going on between your father and me, that has absolutely NOTHING to do with you or what happened while I was held captive. I have to believe that even if I had had to go through with giving my body to Khaleel to get you to safety that your father would have understood and forgiven me. I'm sure that it would have been very difficult for him to live with, but he would have understood that saving our daughters was more important than giving away the shell of my body." 

"He does," Zoey whispered. 

"What?" 

"He does understand…and…he forgave you." 

"What are you talking about, Zoey?" 

"I…He…Um…He heard me giving my statement to the agents. I had to…Uh…tell them how I escaped. So…he knew the plan." 

"But I told the doctors that I wasn't raped. They checked me and I'm sure they reported their findings to your father." 

"And a psychologist told him that you might not consider it rape since you willingly gave yourself to the Khaleel." 

"Oh, it would have been rape," Abbey stated tightly. "It damn well would have been rape." 

"And if I hadn't brought Jean Paul home, none of this might have happened." 

"Zoey, honey, if I've learned anything in life, it's that you can never look back with 'what ifs'. Yes, you let yourself fall under the spell of a young man who you found very handsome and very charming but you certainly aren't the first young woman to do that. And, when it comes to missing signs, I missed just as many as you did. Charlie told us that Jean Paul showed up at your D.A.R. reception stoned. I'm a doctor and I NEVER even noticed. I was so caught up in the evening, so proud of showing you off that I never noticed that your boyfriend was high as a kite. And, I never told you this, but when Jean Paul was at the house at Christmas, I got up late one night to get Nicholas a bottle and I found him prowling around the hall. I assumed that he was looking for your bedroom, so I told him to steer clear of you and sent him back to his room. Rather than start World War III with your father, I chose not to tell him. I had a bad feeling then, Zo, but I ignored it. I should have told your father." 

"He would have assumed the same thing." 

"Your right, he would have. Your dad and I are smart, astute people and we didn't read the signs. What makes you think you should have?" 

"Daddy knew. He never liked Jean Paul." 

"Your father didn't like Jean Paul because his little girl was dating him. It had nothing to do with any sixth sense about him being a terrorist." 

"Please," Zoey sniffed. "Please don't tell Daddy about me and Jean Paul. He'll never forgive me. If he finds out that I slept with him…oh…God, Mom…he'll never forgive me. I couldn't stand it if he hated me." Just the thought of her father's beloved face, hurt, betrayed, cold with anger brought fresh tears to Zoey. 

"Zoey, there is nothing for your father to forgive you for. Sure, if he had his way you'd have been a virgin until you got married…maybe even after." She smiled tenderly and pushed a strand of red hair behind Zoey's ear. Zoey smiled back at her light attempt at humor. "But he's not going to think that you slept with the enemy and he certainly isn't going to hold that against you. Your father loves you with all his heart and soul. He could never, ever hate you." 

"You don't think he'll be angry with me?" 

"No." 

"And you're not angry with me either?" 

"That would be rather hypocritical, don't you think? Your father and I were not virgins when we married, you know that. But, we were very, very deeply in love before we took that step in our relationship. Do I wish that you'd waited until you were sure that Jean Paul was the ONE? Absolutely. But you're an adult now, Zoey. I can't tell you what to do anymore. All I can do is offer you advice. Learn from your mistakes, use them to grow and, I know I've drilled this into you since the first time I explained what sex was all about to you, but, Zoey, honey, always remember that if a man truly loves you, he'll love you even without the sex. And, the next time you do choose to have sex, I hope that you'll wait until you are truly making love. That you are choosing to be intimate because your love has become so strong and so overpowering that you have to have a way to express it with more than just words. When that is your reason for making love, you'll know it's right, you'll feel it's right and you won't feel empty inside anymore." 

"Was that the way it was for you and Daddy?" 

Abbey thought about how fast and hard she had fallen for Jed Bartlet. She thought about sneaking out her bedroom window after they were engaged and tearing at each other's clothes in the back of his father's car, all that burning, desperate love that had somehow not faded over time. "That's exactly the way that it was between your father and me." 

"I hope someday I find a man that I love as much as you love Daddy." 

Although her heart was still tender when it came to Jed, Abbey smiled gently at her daughter running a hand over her cheek. "I couldn't wish for anything more wonderful for you than that." 

Zoey laid her head on her mother's shoulder feeling better than she had in over a month. She felt pounds lighter with releasing all her emotional baggage. She had finally admitted her deepest darkest secrets to her mother and she hadn't responded with recriminations and anger. She had been warm, and loving and understanding. Unconditional love – it was what a parent had for their child and for Zoey that was incredibly important in rebuilding her self esteem and her life. 

**** 

CJ was surprised when she heard the mournful strains of Chopin as she walked by the Oval Office. Most nights it would not be surprising to find the President still in his office at 1 or 2 in the morning, or even sleeping on the couch. Since Abbey had left for New Hampshire, the President spent as little time as possible in the Residence and CJ was starting to worry about him. He was not the same man that he had been two months ago. It was as if a light inside of him had been extinguished the day that his wife and children had left him here alone. Gone was the energy and enthusiasm and joy for the job and in its place was a sad, haunting melancholy. A man who was just a shell of the man that he had once been. Without having Abbey's fire and passion to combat his dark moods, he simply gave into them and it wasn't strange to find him sitting in his office simply staring into space as he was now, laying back on the couch with his tie untied and his shoes off. Tonight, with his mother in town she hadn't expected to find him here, but something was obviously eating at him and she knew it was more than just a young man not taking the chance to defect, something more was bothering him. 

"Sir?" 

"Hey, CJ." 

"You okay?" 

"Yeah, just doing some thinking." 

"Chopin?" 

"Yeah, Abbey always listens to Chopin when she's sad." 

"Are you sad, Sir?" CJ held her breath hoping that her boss would open up to her. 

"There's a Korean word, Han. I looked it up. There is no literal English translation. It's a state of mind…of soul really. A sadness, a sadness so deep no tears will come. And yet still, there's hope." 

CJ knew that he was referring to the rift between him and Abbey, but she was afraid to delve into that, afraid that she would be overstepping her boundaries. 

"Well, good night, Sir." She got to her feet but paused in the doorway turning back, her heart aching at the sad, vacant look in his eyes as he stared into space lost back in thought. Boundaries be damned. 

"As hard as this all is on you, it's good that you have hope. Mrs. Bartlet will come around. I don't know what happened between you two, but I do know how much she loves you." 

Jed nodded, swallowing past the lump in his throat. "Thank you, CJ. Good night." 

Hope, he thought. Was he foolish to still have any? Was he grasping at straws? No, he couldn't help but be hopelessly optimistic; he had to believe that Abbey was going to be able to work through her anger. That at some point, she was going to be able to find it in her heart to forgive him and come back to him; for if he didn't believe that, he wasn't sure if he would be able to make it out of bed and function throughout the day. If he let himself think for one moment that he had lost his wife and his children, he wasn't sure if he would be able to withstand the pain. Right now his wife held his heart in her pretty little hands, and he could only hope that she would cradle it gently and not simply smash it between her palms. 

> _What have I got to do to make you love me?_  
>  What have I got to do to make you care?   
> What do I do when lightning strikes me?   
> And I wake to find that you're not there 
> 
> What do I do to make you want me?   
> What have I got to do to be heard?   
> What do I say when it's all over   
> And sorry seems to be the hardest word 
> 
> It's sad, so sad,   
> it's a sad, sad situation   
> And it's getting more and more absurd   
> It's sad, so sad,   
> why can't we talk it over?   
> Oh seems to me,   
> that sorry seems to be the hardest word   
>    ( _Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word_ by Elton John)


	11. Finding Our Way Back Home

> _Oh I am what I am_  
>  I'll do what I want   
> But I can't hide 
> 
> I won't go   
> I won't sleep   
> I can't breathe   
> Until you're resting here with me 
> 
> I won't leave   
> I can't hide   
> I cannot be   
> Until your resting here with me   
>    ( _Here With Me_ by Dido)

Abbey felt his lips sliding up her inner thigh, pausing every now and then to run his tongue in every increasing circles to where her ache was the greatest. She was softly moaning, urgently pleading with him to ease that ever-increasing ache. Finally, finally, she felt his warm breath against the curls between her thighs and almost climaxed then and there. She wanted him so much, needed him to fill the emptiness, it had been so long…so long… His fingers gently parted her folds and when his tongue touched her, she did climax, her back arching off the bed, her cries of pleasure filling the room. 

Abbey woke with a start, not this time from a nightmare but from an erotic dream so vivid and so real that her breath was still coming in short pants, her heart was racing, and her silk pajama top stuck to her back. Her body still throbbed with need. It had been so long, too long for a body used to passionate nights. Her body had no understanding of what her heart and mind were going through, all it knew was that it missed its mate. It missed being pleasured and fulfilled. Disgusted with herself, and annoyed with her aching, wanting, traitorous body, she got to her feet and made her way to the bathroom starting a cold shower even though it was barely dawn. 

She still wasn't in the best of moods when she went down to the kitchen dressed in riding pants and heavy sweater to start a pot of coffee. She walked out to the porch in her wool socks to get the newspapers the Secret Service always left there for her. She might not be living in Washington right now, but she was keeping up with what was happening in the world, and with her husband, through _The Boston Globe_ , _The New York Times_ , and _The Washington Post_. She refused to read that rag _The Manchester Union Leader_ or the "mis-Leader" as she and Jed referred to it. The extremely conservative paper had always been able to make their blood boil and sometimes they read it just to make fun of the attitudes presented or see what the "other half" was thinking, but she was in no mood for that now a days. She sat at her kitchen table sipping at her hot coffee and rifling through the paper. Her sour mood only increased when she saw a picture in _The Post_ of Jed smiling at whatever scintillating conversation the beautiful woman on his right was having with him. Bitsy Carmichael. The woman had been quite open in her flirting with Jed. She was a woman on Washington's A-list and had, at several functions, let it be known that she would be very willing to sleep with the President should the occasion arise. She and Jed had even laughed about it at times. She wasn't laughing now. She balled up the paper with much gusto and flung it toward the trash receptacle that was under the counter. 

"Temper, temper. You never have been able to control that Irish temper, have you?" 

"Millie!" Abbey grinned and got to her feet to embrace her best friend. "I thought you were coming tomorrow." 

"I took an earlier flight up. I know your mom and Jane are coming tonight so –" 

"It's okay, there's plenty of room." 

Abbey was so wrapped up in her own misery, she missed the pain in Millie's eyes and that was just as well in Millie's book. "Now, tell me, why are you flinging newspaper balls around like Pedro Martinez?" 

"It's nothing." 

Millie knew it wasn't nothing and she had known Abbey long enough not to let her get away with that. She moved to where the wadded up paper lay, and while Abbey rolled her eyes, she straightened it out. 

"Jed and Bitsy? That's what upset you?" 

"I wasn't upset." 

"Abbey, if that had been a real baseball, you'd have made a hole in the wood. You can't be jealous. You know that Jed thinks Bitsy's a joke. He misses you like you can't believe." 

"Yeah, it really looks like he misses me." 

"Look, kiddo. Just because you chose to come up here and hide away with the kids doesn't mean that life came to a stop in Washington or in the world. Jed is still the President. He has to keep functioning no matter how hard it is for him." 

"I suppose," Abbey shrugged. 

"No, no I suppose." Millie took her shoulder. "That man is in agony. You wanted me to keep tabs on him, I have. No, I haven't seen any evidence of M.S. issues, but I have seen evidence of depression. Jed is lost without you." 

"He doesn't look too lost when I see him on the news enjoying a piano concert, or announcing his new vice President." 

"That isn't fair, Abbey. He has to put on a brave face for those events. He is the President at those events and I'm not talking about the President to you. I'm talking about Jed. Your Jed, the man who loves you with every breath that he takes. Don't take him for granted, Abbey." Tears filled Millie's eyes with her passionate words. 

"I'm sorry. I'm just in a really bitchy mood this morning. P.M.S., I guess." 

Millie nodded and Abbey frowned as she saw the other woman's glossy eyes. 

"Mills, what's wrong? This isn't just about Jed, is it? You sounded really distraught on the phone the other night when you called to see about a visit." 

"I need a hug, Abbey." 

Fear crept into Abbey's heart as she opened her arms to her friend and held her tightly. She felt Millie shaking in her arms. "Millicent, you're scaring the hell out of me." 

"David left me." Millie was crying now. "We're getting divorced." 

"WHAT!" Abbey pulled back from Millie a look of horror on her face. "Why did he leave you? What did he do?" Her eyes narrowed with fierceness at the thought of anyone hurting her best friend. 

"Always ready to do battle for me, Abbey." Millie laughed through her tears. "It wasn't David. It was me. All me." 

"What? What happened." 

"You know how it's been since I decided to take the Surgeon General's position. David hates Washington, he never comes down." 

"But he was so supportive. He wanted you to take the job and he was so proud of you." 

"Yeah, he was, and you're only making me feel worse by reminding me of that. I was so busy, Abbey, I couldn't fly up to Massachusetts very often and he never came to Washington. I was lonely." 

Ice froze Abbey's heart. "What did you do, Millie?" She already knew what she was going to hear. 

"I had an affair," Millie whispered, unable to say the words aloud. "I slept with another man." 

"Who?" Abbey asked coldly. 

"Does it matter who?" 

"Probably not, but I want to know." 

Millie took a deep breath. "Remember when I decided to have my bathroom renovated. Well, the guy who was doing the plumbing…" 

"Millie, oh my God, you fucked your plumber?!" 

"Well, it wasn't quite that bad. I didn't jump his bones like some bored neglected housewife the first day he came to work. He'd been working for me for a while. David called, he cancelled out on coming down for the weekend. I was crying and Ray heard me. One thing led to another. It only happened a couple of times. I was lonely and I had urges, sexual urges." 

"Then you get yourself a vibrator, Millie. You DON'T fuck your plumber!" 

"Is that what you do, Abbey?!" Millie's anger rose at Abbey's accusations. "Do you stay up here all alone using a vibrator while your husband rots away with loneliness down in Washington?! Do you DARE act jealous of other women coming on to him when you've made it quite evident that he isn't welcome in your bed!" 

Reacting from sheer pain and shock, Abbey slapped Millie across the face then stormed out of the kitchen and out onto the porch, leaving her friend standing in the middle of the room stunned. She and Abbey had had their fights before but they'd never struck each other. 

Abbey laid her hands on the porch rail leaning heavily forward and inhaling deep breaths of the cold October morning air. Tears burned in her eyes. She didn't know why she was so furious with Millie. Was it because her friend had just foolishly thrown away a wonderful loving man and a marriage of twenty years? Or was it because she got scared, terrified of the idea that if a good person like Millie could get lonely enough to stray, that she might push Jed far enough away that he might as well? 

"Abbey?" Millie stood hesitantly in the doorway needing to gage her friend's mood. 

"Millie." Abbey turned wiping the tears from her eyes. "I'm so sorry. I never should have hit you. I don't know what came over me." 

"It was a low blow. I shouldn't have said what I said." 

"Well," Abbey's lips twitched with amusement. "I can tell you that I don't spend my nights assuaging my pent up sexual longings with a vibrator. I go hiking and running every day and horseback riding and I take care of two very active twins who completely wring me out. And then I cry myself to sleep." 

Millie's face softened with the realization that Abbey was just as tormented by this separation as Jed. "Oh, Abs. I'm so sorry. I never should have said…" 

"No, it's okay." Abbey brushed off her concern. "But it wasn't fair for me to judge you so harshly either." 

"Yeah, it was. I didn't plan on telling you about me and David, but I think I wanted you to give me the ass kicking I knew I deserved." 

Abbey stared at her friend for a long moment. 

"What are you thinking?" Millie asked. 

"It's nothing." 

"Abbey, you're always honest with me. Be honest." 

"I guess I was just wondering, how? How after twenty years of marriage you could allow another man to see you naked, to touch your body, to allow another man the intimacy of joining with you?" Abbey couldn't even imagine allowing any man but Jed to put his lips on hers, to touch her most private parts, to make love to her. She couldn't imagine feeling desire for a man other than Jed. 

"It was just sex, Abbey. God, I know I sound like a guy when I say that. But, it really was. There was no sweet talk, no intimacy." 

"Of course there was intimacy, Millie. You can't allow a man the freedom to touch you, to enter your body without that being intimate." 

"I guess you're right, it was physically intimate, but I meant intimate with my heart. I didn't love him; it was lust pure and simple. He was young and virile and I was lonely and depressed. God, I sound like such a cliché." 

"And, David found out?" 

Millie turned away tears falling now at the memory, of the look of horror and pain in her husband's eyes. "He hadn't been down to D.C. for months. I never expected him to come. He wanted to surprise me." 

Abbey held her breath knowing what was coming. 

"He heard the shower running. Of course he assumed it was just me, I'm a married woman, after all." She gave a harsh, bitter laugh. "He opened the shower door and I was in there." Millie closed her eyes. "With Ray. Oh, God, Abbey, we were going at it when he opened that door." 

"Oh…Millie…" Abbey nearly sank to her knees with nausea. "Oh, that had to kill him." She could only imagine what Jed's reaction would be if he'd ever found her like that. 

"It did. Oh, Abbey. I hurt him so bad. He didn't say a word. He just backed out of the bathroom. I chased after him; I tried to stop him. He turned to me and he was crying. Abbey, he was CRYING." 

"What did he say?" Abbey prodded gently. By now the tears were streaming down her own cheeks. She loved Millie, but she also cared very deeply for David. 

"He just looked at me and said, 'My lawyers will be in touch. He hasn't spoken to me since.'" 

"Can you blame him? I mean think how you'd feel if you'd found him screwing another woman in the shower." 

"I know, Abbey. I know I deserve this. It's all my fault. I fucked up. I royally fucked up and now I've lost the man that I love." 

Abbey was still furious with Millie; she hated what her best friend had done, but she also hated to see her hurting like this no matter how deserved it was. She pulled Millie back into her arms and let the woman cry it all out as they sat on the porch floor. When the sobs had changed into soft sniffles, Abbey heard the indignant crying on the baby monitor, "Muuummmaaaaaa….Muummmaaaaa". 

"The kids are up, duty calls, Mom." Millie attempted a smile. 

"Yeah, I have to go to them." She sounded almost apologetic. "I gave Isabelle some time off." 

Millie nodded and started to follow her inside. Of course she had, Abbey didn't want anyone to witness her struggles and her pain. She didn't want anyone there to try to help her deal with things, not the nanny, not her mother, not her sister, and most of all, not Jed. 

Millie loved Abbey as if she were her own sister. She was direct and independent and fiercely loyal and she'd needed a man self confident and strong enough to stand up to her. Jed had been that man. He still was. Abbey had never been able to run roughshod over him. Oh, sure she could sweet-talk him, even manipulate him when he allowed it, but he was far too strong a man to let her run all over him. And yet, she was winning this battle right now because Jed was too guilty, too fearful of pushing her even further away to assert himself the way that he normally would. 

As they moved into the front hall, Millie noticed the gorgeous autumnal bouquet. 

"Who sent the flowers?" she asked. "They're gorgeous." 

"Jed. He's been sending me a bouquet every week since we've been up here." 

Millie nodded. "That man is aching for you, Abbey. He wants you back more than anything in this world but he won't come here." 

"I know." Abbey felt that tightness in her chest again, a softening in her anger. "Jed has always had a powerful hold on me emotionally and physically. He has ever since the moment I laid my eyes on him and that's only gotten stronger over the years. I needed to be away from that hold for a while. I needed to work things out on my own, so I asked him to give me space and he is." She turned and continued up the stairs unable to tell Millie that a part of her wanted the old Jed – the Jed that would have come storming up here ready to do battle, ready to fight for her. She had no idea at all of just what her leaving had done to him. Of the tightrope he was walking, terrified that with one wrong move all would be lost to him. 

> _You used to captivate me,_  
>  by your resonating light   
> Now I'm bound by the life you left behind   
> Your face it haunts,   
> my once pleasant dreams   
> Your voice it chased away,   
> all the sanity in me 
> 
> These wounds won't seem to heal   
> This pain is just too real   
> There's just too much that time cannot erase 
> 
> When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears   
> When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears   
> I held your hand through all of these years   
> But you still have   
> All of me   
>    ( _My Immortal_ by Evanescence)

**** 

Jed scowled at the empty cupboards in the Residence kitchen. He vaguely remembered Mrs. Patterson, the head of the Residence housekeeping, asking him to make a list of food that he would like to have on hand. Abbey usually took care of that and he'd forgotten to give the woman the list. Now it was well after midnight and he didn't want the big production of ordering food from the White House kitchen, so he had his choice of "kid" food – noodles and butter, frozen chicken nuggets or cereal. When Leo found him, he was seated at the kitchen table in his sweats and a T-shirt eating a bowl of Cheerios. 

"You eat like your children, Mr. President." 

"Hey, it's food. What's up, Leo?" He was not in a good mood. Sitting in the dead silence without anyone to ask about his day or converse with him and knowing that he was about to slide into an even emptier bed did that to him. 

"I wanted to talk to you about Josh." 

"You're taking him out to the woodshed tomorrow?" 

"Yeah, just wanted to run that by you." 

"It's your staff, Leo. Deal with it as you see fit." 

Leo wanted to bang his head against the table. Jed had not been able to snap back after the kidnapping. He was picking fights with everyone, probably because he couldn't fight with Abbey – the one person he needed to fight with. The White House was floundering and he just seemed to have completely lost interest or, if not interest, he had lost any passion that he once had for the job. Their polling numbers were still fairly high because of what the Bartlet family had gone through, but Leo knew that could only last for so long. Pretty soon people were going to wonder what exactly was going on in the White House and they were going to stop cutting them slack. 

"Okay," he sighed. "Good night, Mr. President." 

"Good night." Jed took another bite of cereal forcing it down his throat. "Leo?" He stopped his friend in the doorway. 

"Yes, sir?" 

"How do you do it?" He didn't look up from his cereal bowl, couldn't meet Leo's eyes. 

"Do what?" 

"How do you go home night after night to an empty apartment, an empty bed. How do you deal with the silence and the loneliness?" 

Leo eyed his friend sympathetically. Jed was a people person, a family man, and his relationship with Abbey was so incredibly close, he knew that it was hell for him to have her gone. "You get used to it." 

Jed nodded sadly. 

"But, you don't see me rushing home too many nights, do you?" 

Jed looked up then and the two old friends shared a sad knowing look before Leo turned to leave. 

> _I feel like a song without the words_  
>  A man without a soul   
> A bird without its wings   
> A heart without a home   
> I feel like a knight without a sword   
> The sky without the sun   
> cos you are the one 
> 
> I feel like a ship beneath the waves   
> A child that lost its way   
> A door without a key   
> A face without a name   
> I feel like a breath without the air   
> and every day's the same   
> since you've gone away 
> 
> I gotta have a reason to wake up in the morning   
> You used to be the one that put a smile on my face   
> There are no words that could describe how I miss you   
> and I miss you everyday   
> yeah 
> 
> and I'm never gonna leave your side   
> and I'm never gonna leave your side again   
> still holding on girl   
> I won't let you go   
> cos when I'm lying in your arms   
> I know I'm home 
> 
> They tell me that a man can lose his mind   
> Living in the pain   
> The call in times gone by   
> The crying in the rain   
> You know I've wasted half the time   
> And I'm on my knees again   
> till you come to me   
>  yeah   
>    ( _Never Gonna Leave Your Side_ by Daniel Bedingfield)

**** 

"No…No…Nooooooo…" Abbey awoke yet again in the fetal position, her back jammed up against the headboard of the bed, her heart trying to hammer its way through her chest, her entire body bathed in sweat, her limbs weak and shaking. She told herself to breathe, but she couldn't seem to force the oxygen into her lungs. She knew what this was. A panic attack. But, knowing what it was didn't help her racing heart or her fight or flight reflex that had gone all amuck. 

"Abbey?" Her daughter's mewling, terrified cries of "No" had drawn Beth from the guestroom and now she stood frozen in the doorway not sure what was happening to her daughter. 

"I…I …" Abbey was gasping to pull air into her lungs her. 

"My God, what's wrong with her?!" Beth rushed to her daughter's bedside. 

"She's hyperventilating!" Millie took charge of the situation. "Jane, get my bag. It's in my room." 

Shocked at seeing her sister this way, Jane rushed from the room to get Millie's bag. 

"Abbey, honey, we have to get you breathing properly." Millie climbed up in bed next to her and took her wrist in her hand to check her pulse. "Calm down, don't try so hard. Inhale slowly, very slowly." 

Abbey tried to do as told and was able to get some air into her lungs, but her body was still shaking with anxiety. 

"Okay, let's work together to get this under control. Inhale slowly, hold it and exhale." 

Abbey stopped gasping for air, trying to do as Millie said. A feeling of relief flooded her when she felt her heart start to slow down. When Jane returned with Millie's bag, she was able to get her breathing under control by breathing into a hyperventilating bag. But even with that, it took almost fifteen minutes to get her to feel normal again while her mother and sister stood helplessly by her side, completely at a loss as to how to help her. When her breathing was back under control, she threw the bag aside and leaned back against the headboard, tears working their way from behind her closed eyelids. Her limbs still felt shaky and her back ached from the quick release of adrenaline from her kidneys. 

"Abbey, do have any pain in your chest?" Millie asked. 

Abbey shook her head negatively. "No…it's not a heart attack, Millie. It's…uh…anxiety." Abbey was embarrassed to admit that they'd all just been witness to her anxiety attack. 

"This wasn't your first attack, was it?" Millie asked. 

"No. I've had a few of these now. I have a nightmare about…well…the kidnapping and I wake up in a panic attack. I can't get my nerves under control to get back to sleep, so I get up and I go downstairs and read until I calm down. Then I get dressed and go riding or running, you know, working off the terror and trying to wear myself out so I won't wake up like this. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I had one when Jed was here and he was able to calm me." 

"So, they seem to be getting progressively worse?" Millie frowned. 

"Yeah, I guess so." Abbey was uncomfortable with all the scrutiny. 

"No wonder you look so exhausted." Beth had noticed right away the pale gray smudges under her daughter's eyes. "You aren't getting any sleep, are you?" 

"I get a few hours…" 

"Abbey, your nightgown is soaked." Beth started to stand then reached for her daughter's hand. "Let's get you out of it before you catch your death." 

While Abbey stood there waiting with Jane and Millie on each side feeling like a little girl again, Beth began picking through her drawers fingering through slinky sexy lingerie and blushing at the thought of her daughter wearing these things for her son-in-law. Finally she found some silk pajamas and laid them on the bed. She gave a slight intake of breath when they pulled the nightgown up over Abbey's head and she stood before them in nothing but a pair of bikini panties. 

"Oh, Abbey." Her voice was dismayed. "You've lost so much weight." 

"I haven't been very hungry." Abbey quickly grabbed the top to shield her nude form from their prying eyes. 

"Well, you need to eat. You need to keep your strength up." It was killing Beth to see her formerly confident, self-sufficient daughter being brought to her knees like this. Of all of her children, Abbey had been the one that she had worried the least about. Not anymore. 

"I do try, Mom." Abbey reached for her bathrobe. 

"Aren't you going back to bed?" 

"I can't. Not after an attack like that. My nerves are too jangly. I'm going to go downstairs for a while." 

"I'll come with you." 

"You guys don't need to baby me. I'm fine. I'll just read a book and try to relax." 

"We'll all come with you," Millie added. 

"I'm going to check on the kids before we go down, make sure I didn't wake them up." Abbey made her way into the nursery, pulling up covers, picking up stuffed animals and fallen binkies off the floor. And, when she was satisfied that the children were sound asleep she turned to leave nearly bumping into Millie. 

"Millie?" 

"I wanted to give you this." 

Abbey glanced down at the white piece of paper. 

"Xanax? I can't take Xanax." 

"You need help, Abbey. You need professional help, but if you won't do that for yourself, you at least need something to help you cope with this anxiety. Something to help you sleep through the night. What if this happens again and there is no one here to help you through it?" 

"I'm sorry, I can't take that, Millie. I can't be zonked out if the kids wake up in the night. I told you I gave Isabelle some time off." 

"I'm writing it for .25 milligrams, the lowest dosage available. Take half a pill when needed and it will calm your anxiety without knocking you completely out." 

Abbey hesitantly accepted the prescription, stuffing it in the pocket of her pajama bottoms. It was a testament to how wiped out that she was, how tired of waking up terrified she was that she accepted the prescription without a fight. 

By the time they got downstairs, Beth was filling a teakettle with water. 

"I thought I'd make you some tea," she said when she saw her daughter. 

"I'd rather have a good stiff shot." 

Beth turned to give her daughter a look of surprise. "Well, okay then. If it's alcohol that you want, how about I make us all some nice hot buttered rum." 

"Oooh….Mom's famous hot toddies," Jane enthused. "Count me in." 

Abbey and Millie agreed, so the four women ended up sitting on the couch in front of the huge stone fireplace, their feet warming on the hearth and mugs of Beth's hot buttered rum toddies in their hands. Beth held Abbey close to her side, her daughter's head resting against her bosom. She could feel that Abbey still wasn't quite over her jitters from her anxiety attack. 

"Abbey, baby," she stroked her silky hair. "Can you tell me what kind of nightmare brought that kind of attack on?" 

Safe in the comforting embrace of her mother's arms, Abbey was able to talk about it. "I was back there, in that pitch black closet, all tied up unable to move, barely able to breath through the duct tape. I can't even tell you what that kind of claustrophobia is like. It was so hot, and so stuffy, hardly any air at all. I was suffocating. And the worse thing was that I was terrified of dying in there, but I was just as terrified of having that door open and having them cut my head off and not just my hair." 

"Abbey!" Beth gave a pained gasp. "Is that what happened to all your beautiful hair?" 

Abbey nodded her eyes blurry now. "They put me on a feed to the White House. Jed was there. They told him to release the Qumari prisoners or they would kill me. They held a machete over my head." 

Jane's hand covered her mouth and tears were flowing freely down Millie's cheeks. 

"I thought for sure that I was dead. I felt the air, I felt the pain. I heard Jed scream over the feed. But, I was still alive. It was my hair that was gone." 

"Oh, baby. My sweet, beautiful girl." Beth rocked her in her arms. "No wonder you have nightmares." 

Abbey pulled away slightly. "But I hate it. Can't you see? I HATE this. I HATE being like this! It's done, it's over. I survived. I just want to move on and I can't seem to do that." 

"God, Abbey!" Jane exclaimed, still in horror over what her sister had been through. "You are such a control freak. You can't control everything. Life is messy." 

"That's usually my line to Jed." Abbey gave them a rueful half smile. 

"Well, you both have always been like two peas in a pod." Jane grinned. "But seriously, Abbey, you have to give yourself time." 

"That's why I'm here. I needed some time and distance to put it all behind me. I needed to get away from the constant reminders at the White House. And, I want my kids to heal. I'm so scared that this is going to scar them for life. I think that scares me more than anything." 

"Kids are very resilient. They have an amazing ability to survive," Beth informed her. "Your children are young. They've got good genes and they're grounded in love. They'll get through this." 

"From your mouth to Gods ears, Mama." 

"There is something else that you need to stop doing though if you really want to heal. You need to stop isolating yourself. I know that you're scared and I know that you're hurting but your father and I have been trying to get you to let us come up here for weeks now, and I know that Jane and Jon and Sally have tried, but you don't want to accept anyone's help. You're shutting everyone out, including the one person you should never shut out… Jed." 

"That isn't true, Mom. Sally was here and now you and Millie and Jane." 

"Because we didn't take no for an answer. We didn't let you put us off anymore, we just said we were coming. But, honey, you're still shutting people out whether you can see that or not. Those nightmares are going to keep coming back until you deal with them." 

Abbey buried her face in her mother's chest more deeply, just as Aislinn liked to snuggle into her for comfort. That was the funny thing about growing up, you never outgrew the need for your mother. 

Deep inside Abbey knew that her mother was right. She was hiding out here. She was shutting out the world, only allowing her loved ones entry when they demanded that she do so. However, the one person that she had truly thought would make that demand was the person that she had pushed the furthest away… Jed. And, although she hated to admit it to herself, there was a part of her that was hurt, very deeply hurt, that he hadn't felt she was worth making the effort to demand entry back into her life. 

**** 

Abbey fervently hoped that God's ears were open to her prayers the following morning. Unable to sleep well, even in her mother's arms, she had awakened early and alerted her Service detail that she was going to church. They were not surprised by the request. Quite frequently over the past couple of months, they had accompanied the very religious First Lady to the empty Catholic church where she would simply sit alone in a pew staring into space praying for guidance and taking solace in the presence of God. 

Today she knelt in front of the candles that she had lit for each member of her family. She was alone in the darkened chamber and that was fine with her. She took comfort from the tranquility of the silence, the dim light from the stained glass windows and of the familiar scents of incense and the lemon beeswax used to clean the pews. Her eyes closed, her heart open she prayed desperately for the strength to get herself and her children through this difficult time in their life, she prayed for guidance in her dealings with Jed and most of all, she prayed for HIS help in healing her family's physical and psychological wounds. 

Father Tom Cavanaugh stood at the back of the church. He knew when the First Lady was coming; the Service always arrived first to clear the church, something that hurt his heart every time it happened. The very idea that someone would invade and soil the sanctity of the house of the Lord with the intent or means to cause injury to a member of his congregation was abhorrent to him. He had known Abigail Bartlet since she was a young woman on the verge of marrying a young man who had at one time been his altar boy. He had participated in the wedding of young Abigail and Josiah, had performed important sacraments for all of their children – baptizing them, offering them their First Communions and Confirmations, and even anointing their deceased baby boy with last rites. He had listened to the Bartlet family confessions, had offered prayers at all of Jed's inaugurations and been there to offer absolution during the most trying of times. He had been there for the highs as well as the lows. He was their priest, their friend. 

But, since her return, Abbey had not personally sought him out, had in fact seemed to be avoiding him. She was there for Sunday mass, she was there for confession, but she had not come to him for help or advice. Now he decided that maybe it was he who needed to make the first move. 

"Abigail?" He laid a gentle hand on her shoulder. 

Abbey looked up at him through eyes shiny with tears. "Hi, Tom." 

"How have you been?" 

"Not so good." Abbey gave him one of the saddest smiles he'd ever seen. 

"You want to talk about that?" 

Abbey's first instinct was to say no, to deny the need. But that need was getting harder and harder to deny. 

She took a deep breath. "Yeah, I'd like that." 

"You want to get out of here? Go for a walk down to the river?" 

Abbey nodded. 

While she and the priest walked down a well worn path through the woods toward the banks of the Merrimack River to a bench the priests had put on the bluff, Abbey opened up to Tom. She told him of her fears, of her difficulty in moving forward, in forgiving Jed for his part in what had happened to her, and in dealing with her own emotional problems and those of her children. 

"Abbey, we are all human beings. We are all flawed. Nobody is perfect. We all fall down at times. You witnessed evil in its most depraved form. You came very close to losing your children. You can't expect to just bounce back from that. Nobody is that resilient." 

"You see. I always thought I was." Abbey gave a sad laugh. 

"God has given you some challenges over the past couple of months, there is no denying that. But strength isn't just plowing ahead and ignoring that challenge. Strength comes in each day, in how we pick ourselves up brush ourselves off and face that challenge." 

"I'm trying, Tom. I'm really trying. I want to be able to forgive Jed and put this behind us." 

"I hear a 'but' in there," Tom smiled. 

"But, I'm just so…angry." 

"You don't sound angry. Be honest, Abbey. How do you really feel?" 

Abbey gazed out over the water not sure if she could bring herself to admit what she had been feeling all these months. 

"Abbey…" Tom gently prodded her. 

"You're right. I'm not just angry, Tom. I'm HURT. He has no idea how bad it HURT me to find out what he had done on TV. Dammit, he didn't even have the decency to tell me to my face that what he'd done had caused retaliation on me and on our children." 

"Do you think he kept that from you to hurt you? Be honest." 

"No." 

"Then why do you think he didn't tell you." 

"I DON'T KNOW! I just don't know!" 

"Then, don't you think maybe it's time that you found out?" 


	12. Finding Our Way Back Home

> _Heaven bent to take my hand_  
>  And lead me through the fire   
> Be the long awaited answer   
> to a long and painful fight 
> 
> Truth be told I've tried my best   
> but somewhere along the way   
> I got caught up in all there was to offer   
> and the cost was so much more than I could bear 
> 
> Though I've tried, I've fallen.   
> I have sunk so low   
> I have messed up   
> better I should know   
> So don't come round here   
> and tell me I told you so....   
>    ( _Fallen_ by Sarah McLachlan)

Dressed in light layers of thermal wear and windproof pants and jacket, Abbey turned off the old logging road and hit one of the trails that would take her to the top of Mt. Washington. At one time or another she had hiked almost all the high peaks of the White Mountains, including all the peaks in the Presidential Range each of which hovered over 5,000 feet, Mt. Washington measuring up at over 6,000. While its height was nothing compared to peaks in the Rockies and other newer mountain ranges, Mt. Washington was a dangerous hike no matter what time of year one attempted the climb. Converging weather patterns made for what was considered some of the worst weather in the world. It was at the top of Mt. Washington that the highest wind gust ever was recorded at 231 mph. The mountain was particularly dangerous at this time of year, for in October, it could be 60 degrees and sunny at the base while a raging blizzard went on at the peak. It was a challenging hike that Abbey had always enjoyed and it was also a chance to do some serious solitary thinking. Hiking was always when she did her best thinking. 

High up the mountain, just about at the summit on the edge of a particularly breathtaking ridge, Abbey paused to take a drink from her water bottle and munch on a handful of trail mix. Exhausted, her agents sighed with relief as they watched the First Lady sit back against a boulder to take a break. Abigail Bartlet was a very fit and very athletic hiker and anyone signing on for her duty had to be in the best of shape to keep up with her. The long solitary walks with her dogs around the pond and along the snowmobile trails that ran through the woods of her farm were one thing, but hiking Mt. Washington was something else entirely. 

Abbey sat against the tree watching a hawk soar on the air currents, the Mt. Washington Valley laid out in all its splendor below her. She was in her element here communing with nature, much more so than in the goldfish bowl of the White House. While she had come to terms with life in that goldfish bowl over the past five, almost six years; she would never grow used to it. It was her forays into the Shenandoah Valley, and the privacy of their weekend home on the Chesapeake that had kept her sane. 

Still, while she missed her privacy and her old life, she missed Jed more. She didn't want to miss him but she did, more than she had ever thought possible. She missed his day to day presence in her life, missed him in her bed, and missed his passion for life, for his family, and for her. She was tired of feeling cold and numb, she wanted that passion back in her life. 

Her bitter anger had faded into a dull aching pain, the sharpness gone so that she was able to try to rationally come to terms with what had happened over the past year. All the events, every ripple on the smooth course of their existence had stemmed from one decision. Her husband had made the decision to have a man killed. Not just any man, not just a man who disagreed with the policies of the United States. A terrorist. She even knew the exact night that it had happened. He had come to her. Come to HER, not Leo, not CJ, not Toby, HER. He had been shaken, upset and obviously very, very tormented. She hadn't asked questions. Hadn't needed to. She had known her man; known that whatever he had done had been the right thing to do because she trusted him, trusted who he was. Instead of questions, she had offered him the comfort and succor he could find only in her arms, in her body. 

She'd lost sight of that trust through all her pain and anger. She'd wanted to blame somebody for the terror that she and the girls had been through, to blame somebody for how close she'd come to losing her children, for how close that she had come to being raped and killed. Fairly or not, Jed had born the brunt of that blame. 

She was still hurt that he hadn't told her about assassinating Shareef – still hurt that she'd been kept out of the loop, still hurt that she'd had to find out on the television, but deep in her heart she knew that she could no longer blame him for her kidnapping. Jed had a country to run. Every decision that he made as President could indirectly affect she and their children. There was a lunatic fringe in every movement. If he made a speech advocating upholding _Roe vs. Wade_ , it wasn't inconceivable that one of those crazy pro-lifers that targeted and killed doctors who worked at clinics that did abortions could try to kill one of her children. If he signed a bill advocating stronger gun control some nut-case N.R.A. member who felt he needed an Uzi machine gun to go hunting could try to get his point across by shooting one of them. If he spoke on national TV about affirmative action, some neo-Nazi white supremacist could decide to take him out in a similar Rosslyn nightmare. On and on it went. If Jed had to worry about everything he said or advocated or signed, there was no way that he could ever do the job the American people had given him. She knew that. She'd always known that, but somehow she'd let this be different. Different because this time, it was not just a paper scenario, this time it had happened. This time she and her daughters had born the brunt of decisions made that they'd had no control over. 

It shamed her to admit it but part of asking Jed not to come to New Hampshire HAD been to punish him, to hurt him and to pay him back for hurting her so very, very deeply. Still, in spite of her less than completely noble reasons for coming north, the decision to come up here had been the right one, she was sure of that. Watching Zoey's friends surround and support her and seeing Aislinn and Nicholas playing in the sun regaining their laughter and spirit had proven that to her. Her children were growing stronger every day. Stronger and ready to start facing the world again, especially Zoey. 

Tired of the tabloids screaming "First Lady Suffers Nervous Breakdown" and "Zoey Bartlet Suicidal After Boyfriend's Betrayal", Zoey wanted to do one of the many TV interview requests that Charlie had told her had been flooding the White House. Abbey had finally relented sensing that her daughter needed to show the world that she was indeed strong and healing. Jed had casually commented on maybe coming up for the interview, but she had asked him not to. If he came to the farm the whole thing would become political, there was no way of escaping that and that was not what this interview was about. It was about closure, at least for their daughter. 

But, it was more than politics. She told herself that having camera crews invading her home was going to be intrusive enough without having the entourage that followed her husband everywhere he went. But, again, if she were truly honest with herself she'd have to admit that part of not wanting him to come was pure and simply spite. She wanted to be the one in control, and since she felt that Jed was to blame for all that had happened, she had wanted to be the one to heal her children – alone. To that end, she had closed him out of their healing process completely. Selfish, she thought with disgust. What a selfish, selfish bitch she had been. 

Her mind wandered back in time. Back to those nights in the hospital after the shooting in Rosslyn. That horrible mind numbing terror at the thought that she was going to lose her husband. How she'd prayed with every ounce of her being for God to give her more time with him. She thought about her fear that M.S. might take his health from him while he was still in his prime. Because of that, she had fought so fiercely against his decision to run for a second term. It wasn't that she was fed up with life in the White House or wanted to get back to her career, she simply didn't want to jeopardize her husband's health. She thought about him that night at Harmony Point, jumping in front of her, in front of a knife that was meant to kill her and getting stabbed in the arm. He'd saved her life that day and proven without a doubt that he loved her more than he loved his own life. How on earth had she allowed her pain and anger to cause her to lose sight of that? This was the man that she had loved for almost her entire life. He was her best friend, her partner, her confidante, her playmate, and her lover; how could she NOT forgive him? 

He'd made a mistake. Her husband had made a mistake. It wasn't the first mistake he'd ever made and it certainly wouldn't be the last. But, how long could she go on punishing him for that mistake? How much longer could she keep him separated from his children? How much longer could she bear to live apart from him, to live with a vital part of herself that was missing? How much longer could she bear to merely survive each day when she knew that it was time to truly start living again? 

**** 

Jed Bartlet was on a mission. He was completely and thoroughly pissed. It had come to his attention that Amy was using Abbey's name to try to take money from the HHS budget. He knew she was using Abbey's name because he knew damn well that right now as far as Abbey was concerned the whole damn White House could go to hell. Being First Lady was the least of her priorities at that moment; her entire being was focused on getting their family through this trying time. 

Amy was seated at her computer typing when Jed entered her office. She stood with surprise at seeing who was there. 

"Mr... Mr. President." 

Jed motioned her to sit but she continued to stand afraid to seem even weaker in his overpowering presence. 

"We're doing pretty well on violence prevention." 

"Yes, sir." 

"They were going to gut it. The First Lady really turned it around." 

"I hope you don't... we probably should've run it through, um, Legislative Affairs." 

The 'we' REALLY irked Jed. He knew damn well there was no 'we'. He just wanted Amy to admit that. "Nah, I'm not going to have Abbey jump through hoops." 

Amy knew that he knew and she grew increasingly uncomfortable. Felt the need to justify what she had done. "You know intimate partner violence affects more people than breast cancer." 

"How many calls today?" 

"Sir?" 

"The First Lady – how many calls did she make to members of the Subcommittee today?" 

Amy knew the gig was up and she stood silently. 

"No calls. She's hiking in the White Mountains. She made no calls. You made them." 

"It's a cause she believes in...." 

Jed didn't need ANYONE telling him what his wife believed in. He knew her better than anyone. ANYONE. "Don't tell me what she believes." 

"I'm telling the Congress..." 

"My wife is not a budget appropriation. She's not a line. Don't put words in her mouth. Don't treat her like she's your blank checkbook." Jed turned to leave. 

"Due respect, sir, it's what she'd want." 

"She has to be here to want things... and you don't have to be here at all." Jed left the room leaving Amy standing there in shock. 

**** 

Jed was still fuming when he got back to his office. He was still a little surprised and more than a little appalled that he had fired his wife's Chief of Staff. He didn't know what exactly he was pissed about. Was he pissed at Amy? Pissed at the situation? Pissed at himself? Or pissed at Abbey? There was a sharp pinch to his heart with that thought. For the first time since Abbey had left for New Hampshire, he allowed himself the freedom to be pissed at her without that overwhelming feeling of disloyalty. She had taken his children and left him. She had kept him from helping her try to heal those children, had kept him from helping her to heal. She had shut him out of his role in the family completely and he had let her do it. He'd felt so guilty for what she'd been through, had been so afraid of rocking the boat that he had let her bully him around. He had allowed her to hide out and wallow in her pain when he knew that it would be for the best for her to get help, for him to help her. "She has to be here to want things." Yes, that had been bitterness speaking. If she was going to cut him out of her world, he was going to cut her out of his. Childish. He knew that if Abbey were here, she WOULD be fighting for funding for domestic violence. It was wrong for him to ignore that and it was spiteful, and it was only going to lead to more of a distance between the two. It was time that he stopped allowing that gap to grow and work on finding a way to bridge it instead. 

"Debbie!" he called out. "Get Amy Gardner down here." 

Amy warily entered the Oval Office. "You asked to see me, Mr. President." 

Jed could see her hesitance "You're not fired. Abbey would choose you over me anyway." 

Amy noted the supreme sadness in his eyes at those words. She hoped he didn't truly believe that. "I think it's best for me to leave, sir. What I did today – lobbying, prodding, prying money out of that HHS Subcommittee that's what I'm good at. I wasn't made to serve at someone else's pleasure. I don't think my staying would please anyone anyway." 

"She didn't... I didn't talk to Abbey about this. Zoey told me she was hiking." 

Amy was surprised at his candor in admitting the gulf that stretched out between him and his wife. 

"This building's not very conducive to relationships, sir. I'll call back the members of the Subcommittee before I leave." Amy stood to leave the room. 

No, maybe it wasn't conducive in the past, Jed thought, but he wasn't going to let this job tear him and Abbey apart. "Tell 'em the First Lady wants violence prevention fully funded." 

"$100 million?" 

"Make it a 110." 

> _I watched you suffer. A dull aching pain._  
>  Now you decided to show me the same   
> No sweeping exits or off stage lines   
> Could make me feel bitter or treat you unkind 
> 
> Wild horses, couldn't drag me away   
> Wild, wild horses, couldn't drag me away…   
>    ( _Wild Horses_ by The Rolling Stones)

**** 

CJ pulled her rental car up in front of the Bartlets' white Colonial home. Never before had she felt so nervous coming here. She wished that the President had come with her, had in fact been stunned when Jed Bartlet had said he would not be accompanying her. In the beginning there had been so much going on in Washington with the transfer of power back to the Bartlet administration that the press had not found it strange that the President had only visited his family in New Hampshire once. But now she was starting to get questions. They were starting to question her about possible trouble within the family. So far CJ had been able to dismiss the questions as absurd, but she wasn't sure how much longer that she could do that. 

CJ took a deep breath as she saw Abbey come out onto the porch. She knew that the President's wife wanted nothing to do with the White House at the moment, and she wasn't sure how she was going to react to a member of that White House being here. Abbey could be very prickly at times, especially when it came to what she perceived as an invasion of her family's privacy. 

Seeing CJ was a shock to Abbey's system. For over two months now, she had been relatively alone on the farm with her children – hiking, horseback riding, apple picking, reading, and simply being completely free of the pressures of the White House. Free from the pressure of trying to be the perfect, smiling, gracious First Lady. Of trying to say the right things, dress the right way, pick the right causes and of a schedule that was planned down to the very last minute of every day. She was free from all the heavy burdens that her husband carried and shared with her – of budget problems, vote counts, homeland security, military deployments and nuclear threats. And, the truth of the matter was that a part of her thought that it was really nice. It was nice not to have that day in day out stress, but seeing CJ, who was such a big part of that side of her life, brought it all vividly back to her, gave her the uncomfortable feeling that she was running away from a life that had just gotten too hard. 

It was obvious the way that CJ hung back by her car that she was uncomfortable here on Abbey's turf. Here where the ground rules belonged to the Bartlet family, not the Bartlet administration. Abbey swallowed her resentment at the intrusion into the peaceful little world she had created and made her way down the porch stairs. 

CJ watched her approach. She wore a pair of faded slim fitting jeans and a navy blue V-necked sweater that made her look young and busty. CJ had always envied her that trim, curvy little body and even with the weight she had lost, Abbey still had a great figure. 

"CJ, did you have a nice flight?" 

Small talk, CJ thought with a sigh. Oh, well, they had to start somewhere. "It was uneventful." 

"Uneventful is a good thing." 

The sadness in Abbey's eyes brought back the reality of the situation to CJ. When Abbey had first left the White House with the kids, everyone had been very understanding, but when a month and then two had gone by, resentment had grown among a staff that considered their boss as not only their leader but also their friend. Watching Jed Bartlet lose focus and drive and energy and watching him wallow in a dark pit of depression made them angry, angry enough to question Abbey Bartlet's motives in staying away from him and why she was trying to hurt him by keeping this distance that was so hard on him. With Abbey gone, they had not seen her pain or what she was going through, only what the President was experiencing. But seeing her here, now, seeing the hollowed out cheekbones, the once flowing hair that now curled gently at her collarbone and, most of all, the sad eyes that so much mirrored her husband's made that pain a reality for CJ. Abbey was the victim here – she and her daughters. No matter who, if anyone, was to blame, it was Abbey and her daughters who were the victims and to blame them for doing whatever they could to get through this trying time was simply not fair. 

"Abbey," CJ stopped her as they made their way up the hill to the house. 

"Yes?" Abbey turned around. 

"I'm here to help you. You and Zoey." 

"I know," Abbey nodded. "Come up to the house. Zoey's watching the cider I have warming on the stove. We'll grab some mugs and you can tell us how we're going to make it through this interview." 

That last sentence was made with reluctant resignation. "Abbey, this interview wasn't my idea. If you want the truth, I asked the President not to let you both do it. He said YOU wanted to do it." 

"Well, that's partially correct. I have NO desire to bare my soul on nationwide TV and I don't intend to do so. Zoey wanted to do this interview. I think it is very important to her, with everything that's going on with Jean Paul, to come out and give her side of things. I think she wants to make a pre-emptive strike so that he can't try to hurt her with more lies." 

"Well, okay then. Let's get to work." 

**** 

It was a fairly warm day for November in New Hampshire so CJ sat out on the porch with Abbey and Zoey prepping them for the afternoon interview. 

"Diane likes to keep things warm, casual, but she'll try to zing you with some indirect attribution like 'People say...' or 'There's a rumor that...'" CJ was speaking to Zoey but it was Abbey who questioned her. 

"For example?" she asked. 

CJ turned from the First Lady to look back at Zoey. "There's a rumor that you're seeing a therapist." 

Abbey immediately got defensive. "You don't have to answer that." 

CJ could easily see that Abbey was not comfortable at all with this interview, that Zoey definitely had been the one pushing to go forward with it. She stayed calm knowing she had to soothe Abbey's motherly fears. "If you don't answer, she'll just wait, like an infinitely forgiving, infinitely patient cross between the Virgin Mary and a schnauzer." 

"It's nobody's business." The closer it got to this interview, the more Abbey's discomfort grew. 

Zoey felt a sweet tug at her heart at her mother's lioness defense of her. It was really nice to have someone in her corner fighting for her. But, she was ready for this. "Mom, I want to answer. Yes, I'm seeing a therapist." 

"Okay." CJ nodded. 

"I couldn't have dealt with this completely on my own, and I've had lots of support from friends and family, but I also needed help. I've gotten some and it's, you know, been good." 

"The help's helped." 

Zoey laughed. "Great, I'll use that, thanks." 

"Zoey, we need to take a moment and talk about Jean-Paul. Had you agreed to take drugs?" 

Abbey looked down at the ground. She didn't want to hear Zoey's answer. It was one thing to know that Zoey had slept with Jean Paul, but to think that her smart, levelheaded daughter had been willing to do drugs with him was another matter entirely. 

"What does that have to do with anything?" Zoey asked. 

"He's trying to say that he was not part of the plan to kidnap you. That you wanted to do drugs with him." 

"That isn't true." Zoey looked down at the floor unable to look at her mother. Her mother had been her protector, her defender, her confidante; she had been nothing but understanding about everything so far, but this was far more embarrassing than telling her that she'd slept with Jean Paul. "I know Jean Paul smoked pot and I know he liked to do ecstasy at parties. He asked me to try it and I…well... I thought about it." 

Abbey closed her eyes, turned away from her daughter. How could she? After all the lectures she and Jed had given her explaining all the very real dangers to her health and what it could cost her legally. How could she throw all that knowledge and common sense out the window at the whim of a weak sniveling sycophant like Jean Paul de Bourbon? 

"And did you?" CJ prodded. 

Zoey turned from CJ to look straight at her mother, staring her honestly right in the eyes. "No, I didn't. He berated me. He teased me. He told me I was a 'daddy's girl' and a 'child', but I just didn't feel right doing it. I know what drugs can do to a person. Mom and Dad have been warning me about the danger of drugs and addiction since before middle school and I didn't appreciate being pressured into doing something that I wasn't comfortable with. So, no, I didn't do drugs with Jean Paul." 

"Good answer," CJ grinned. "But I'd lose the part about knowing that he smoked pot and did ecstasy. That might not go over so well." 

Abbey gave her daughter a warm smile and took her hand squeezing it with pride. "Did I ever tell you that you're a pretty good kid?" She lifted Zoey's hand to kiss the back of her knuckles. 

"Oh, maybe once or twice," Zoey shrugged. 

"But, wait a minute?" Abbey frowned and turned to look at CJ. "That's his defense? That Zoey WANTED the drugs in her lemonade. I'd say there is a hell of a big difference between ecstasy and GHB and he certainly never asked ME if I wanted to try it." 

"I didn't say it was a good defense." 

**** 

CJ paced behind the cameras ready to pounce at the slightest provocation. She was not going to stand by and let Abbey or Zoey be eaten alive by this shark in a Donna Karan suit. So far the interview had gone well, the Bartlet women had relayed exactly what had happened to them and how they had relied upon one another for emotional support and strength during their captivity without going into too many personal details. But then came one of the zingers CJ knew Diane had been waiting for, and when she threw it out there, America and Jed Bartlet held their breath awaiting the First Lady's answer. 

"Mrs. Bartlet. In the statement that was given to the press we were told that your finger was broken and that you suffered some bruising, a mild concussion and some minor burns." 

"Yes." 

"However, there has been some speculation and rumors coming out of the White House that there was more to it than that. That other things happened…" Diane stared Abigail Bartlet straight in the eye making it quite obvious to all that were watching exactly what she was asking. Diane watched, waiting for Abbey Bartlet to break, waiting for the fear, waiting for the tears. Instead, Abbey's steely gaze met hers head on. 

"I would think that you would know better than to perpetuate rumors." 

Yes! CJ couldn't help the fist pump and the grin that crossed her face. She had nothing to fear. Abigail Bartlet wasn't going to crash and burn. 

"Well," Diane was clearly taken aback. "I just thought I'd give you the chance to set the record straight." 

"Consider it set." 

Back in the living room of the White House Residence, Jed Bartlet's fist pounded into the soft sofa in a move that was not as satisfying as he would have liked. "How DARE she?" he hissed. "How DARE she ask Abbey about that? Dammit, hasn't she been through enough? This is EXACTLY why I didn't want them doing this interview!" 

Silently, his face pale and feeling sick to his stomach, Toby rose to his feet and left the room. 

"Daddy." Ellie took Jed's hand to calm him. "Sshh…We're going to miss what she's saying now." 

It was obvious to Diane that she wasn't going to be able to push Abbey any further on the subject so she moved on to the next tough subject – Jed Bartlet. 

"Mrs. Bartlet. You returned here to the farm with your children a little over two months ago. Was that a mutual decision with the President?" 

"Yes, we discussed it and felt it would be for the best to get the children away so they could heal in peace." 

"And, yet, the President has only made one visit and that was just a couple of weeks after you arrived." 

"I'm not sure what you're trying to insinuate, Diane, but my husband is the President of the United States. He's had a lot on his plate over the past two months and as much as he might like to be up here with us, he has a responsibility to the country and that has to come first. He'll be here next week for Thanksgiving." 

Abbey surprised herself with that statement. She hadn't consciously thought about the holiday, but it was only natural that the family be together no matter what kind of tension existed. 

Jed was just as taken aback by the statement as Abbey and he turned to Leo with surprise. 

"I take it she hadn't invited you yet." 

Jed shook his head negatively but a ray of hope burst forth inside him. Abbey had stuck up for him; she hadn't aired their dirty laundry and now he knew that he was finally going to get to see her and the children in less than a week. He'd been dreading the upcoming holiday but now he looked forward to it with anticipation. 

"Ah, now she's going after Zoey," Ellie groaned, laying her head on her father's shoulder. 

Jed turned his attention back to the TV and the question Zoey was answering. 

"I don't think anyone should try to go through something like this alone." 

"And has it helped?" Diane asked. 

"Yes. The help's helped both me and my sister." 

Diane stared at the girl before her; she definitely had her mother's elegant poise. 

"A lot." Zoey continued. 

"I think we can all see that." 

"Good, I'm glad." Zoey smiled. 

Jed could see the change in his daughter. The haunted, scared look was gone from her eyes and in its place was that old sparkle and light she'd always had when she smiled. Obviously, whatever Abbey was doing with her was working, at least for Zoey. Abbey's eyes were a different story; there was no light, no sparkle in her pretty eyes, just a cool wariness. 

"I'm sure you've heard what Jean Paul has had to say about you wanting to take drugs." 

"I know what he says," Zoey snapped. 

"You sound angry." 

"I am angry. But the only thing I can do, the only thing any of us can do, is to tell the truth about what happened to us, and try to find a way to live with the shame and self-doubt that comes with having trusted someone who then betrayed you." 

Abbey took her daughter's hand squeezing gently, her own heart beating with a moment of pure self-awareness. How could her daughter, her DAUGHTER who had been betrayed so much worse than her be so grown up and mature about the situation. If Zoey could forgive and forget and move forward why couldn't she? 

Abbey's mind was still racing as she shook Diane's hand at the end of the interview, then made her way out of the room, her hand covering her mouth. Worried, CJ followed her from the room. 

"Abbey?" 

"Thank you." Abbey composed herself. "She did well. You did an excellent job." 

"You, too." 

"That's why she needed time up here. Why I needed time up here." When it came to her family, Abbey had never cared what people thought or if they understood her, but she found herself wanting CJ to know just why she had left D.C. "I just…I needed to get away from a place that was hurting us…me." 

"I meant you've raised a remarkable young woman." 

"Oh" Abbey was a little take aback that she'd opened up as much as she had to CJ. "She was always Jed's little girl." She smiled wistfully. CJ mistook that sad smile, thinking that she was upset that Jed hadn't come. 

"Mrs. Bartlet, may I say, we miss you." 

"That's very kind. Please don't be offended if I say I don't miss you." 

CJ wasn't offended. She knew why Abbey didn't miss them and she didn't blame her. They both laughed awkwardly and CJ found herself needing to defend Jed, to try to explain why he wasn't here for his wife and daughter when she didn't really understand it herself. 

"It's been very busy. The budget, Japan in a few weeks, and the Chief Justice..." 

It irritated Abbey to hear another person making excuses for her husband. "We get newspapers up here, CJ. You don't have to apologize for him not coming. I asked him not to." 

CJ stared back at her not sure how to respond. "Oh." 

"Caught you with that one, didn't I?" 

"I guess you did." 

"We needed time and peace and quiet. It's just too much, CJ. His visits are just too much." 

"You don't owe me any explanations, ma'am." 

But there was something in her tone that led Abbey to believe that she did. That CJ didn't quite approve of what she was doing here. 

"Hey, Mom." Zoey came around the corner. 

"Hey, yourself." Abbey smiled warmly at her daughter and gave her hug. "I'm so proud of you, baby. You did great. How'd you get to be so grown up?" 

"Why don't you ask my mom." Zoey grinned slipping her hand around Abbey's waist. 

CJ felt a sweet ache in her chest as mother and daughter stood facing her. The resemblance between the two caught her off guard. Of a similar height and build, Zoey also shared her mother's Irish coloring, the cream and roses complexion, the smattering of freckles and the bright copper colored hair although Zoey's eyes held a bit of her father's blue in them as well as her mother's green. CJ had often witnessed the teasing affectionate closeness between the President and his daughter, but it was obvious that Abbey and Zoey shared a very special mother/daughter bond as well – a bond that had most evidently grown stronger since the kidnapping. 

"I'm so proud of you." Abbey pushed a strand of hair behind Zoey's ear. 

"For what?" 

"For being able to admit that you were wrong and that you made a mistake and for being able to move forward from that." 

"Are you ever going to forgive, Daddy?" 

Abbey stared for a long moment at Zoey. Her daughter was much more perceptive than she'd given her credit for. 

"Your father and I have…" 

"I know, I know," Zoey sighed. "Issues. You might be able to work on those issues if you gave him the time of day once in a while." 

"Zoey!" 

"It's true, Mom. You're so busy shutting out the world and taking care of all of us that you aren't listening to him." 

"I've spoken with your father, Zoey." 

"Barely. But do you listen to him? Do you hear the sadness in his voice? Do you hear how much he misses you?" 

"Zoey, your father will be here for Thanksgiving. We'll see how that goes." 

"MUUUMMMMA!" 

Abbey turned at the indignant voice to see Nicholas standing on the stairs, his arms crossed over his chest. "You FUGGUTTED me!" 

"Nicholas, I didn't forget you." Abbey bit her cheek trying not to smile. Her son in full Jed-huff was a site to behold. "I told you that I'd be up when I finished with my interview." 

"Wanna fly my kite." CJ had brought the children kites up from Washington and had passed them out before they took their afternoon nap. Abbey had promised them an outing when they woke up and her interview was over. 

"Well, if you want to fly a kite, you better put some pants on." Abbey lifted a brow eyeing his bare pudgy little toddler legs. 

Nicholas looked down with surprise, as if he had forgotten that he was standing before them wearing only a juice stained T-shirt and a diaper. 

"I get my pants. I want my boo pants." He turned to clamber back up the stairs. 

"He has Halloween pants?" CJ turned to Abbey with a funny look. 

"Halloween?" Abbey looked puzzled for a moment but then a smile of comprehension crossed her face. "Oh, 'boo'. I forget you don't understand 'babyspeak'. Those are his BLUE pants that he wants to wear." 

**** 

"Toby?" 

Jed found him sitting alone at the kitchen table of the Residence his chin in his hands. 

"Interview over?" Toby asked, his voice careful, neutral. 

"Yeah, it's over. They did okay." 

"Good." Toby got to his feet as if to leave. 

"You wanna talk about it?" 

"About what?" 

"About why you got up and left when Diane asked my wife if there was more to the story than we've released." 

"Not particularly." 

"Well, I'd like for you to talk to me about it. I'd like to know why." 

"Why? Well, let's try because it made me sick to hear her question Mrs. Bartlet like that. She had no RIGHT to do that, the damned vicious piranha." 

"I agree with you there, Toby. It's really nobody's damned business what happened to Abbey, and yet, because of who she is, everyone feels like they have the right to KNOW." 

"Diane Mathers has no idea of what kind of courage is in your wife's heart, of just how brave that she is, of what she went through. I DO! I was there, day after day, night after night. I… WAS… THERE!" 

Jed was quiet waiting for Toby to continue. This was a moment the two of them had been skirting for two months now. Toby had not been able to bring himself to discuss the details of the kidnapping and while Jed wanted to know, needed to know the details, a part of him was terrified to find out just how bad it had been for her. 

"Tell me, Toby." 

"What?" 

"Get it out. Tell me." 

"I'm sorry, sir. I can't." 

"DAMMIT, Toby, you TELL me. She's my WIFE. You tell me what they did to her! You were THERE!" 

"Yes, I was there and I couldn't do a DAMNED thing to save her, to keep them from hurting her. I was THERE when they broke her finger because she refused to write a note to you. I was THERE listening to her struggle not to make any noise and wake her children when that bastard came to her in the dark of the night threatening her, groping her and pawing at her. I was THERE when they made your baby daughter scream with terror and forced Abbey to her knees to beg and plead for her life, only to watch them drop her and break her arm as if she were nothing but a bag of garbage. I was THERE when Abbey offered those animals her signature, her voice or her body if they would only leave her daughters alone. I was THERE when that PIG shoved her down onto her knees and tried to stick his cock in her mouth!" 

Toby's voice broke at that point and Jed, his face pale and shocked, tears welling in his eyes sat heavily in a kitchen chair unable to stand upright any longer. The contents in his stomach were roiling dangerously at the image Toby had just placed in his mind. With each painful declaration, Toby made it was like another knife stabbing into his heart. He wasn't sure how much more of this that he could stand to hear. 

"I was THERE," Toby wiped impatiently at the tear that worked its way down his cheek, "when they took her away to another room after discovering that she had deceived them and that Zoey and Aislinn had escaped. I was THERE alone in that damn room next door listening to her SCREAM, knowing that they were hurting her and unable to do a goddamn thing about it. I was THERE when they brought her back in that room half-naked and drugged and shoved her into a closet! I was THERE when they knocked her unconscious with the butt of a gun! I was THERE when she woke up so emotionally and physically beaten that she didn't even notice that they'd kept all the clothes they had stripped off her and she had NOTHING but a shirt on. I was THERE when she finally gave up hope and KNEW that she was going to be killed. I was the one sitting beside her while she cried and worried about what would happen to you and to her children when she was dead. DEAD. They were going to kill her and there was not a damn thing that I could do about it. I was THERE and all I could do was SIT and WATCH and LISTEN to them torture her because hurting ME meant nothing to YOU, but hurting HER would make all the difference in the world. They were women and children – YOUR woman and children – and I wanted to protect them. I swear to you that if there had been anything, ANYTHING that I could have done to prevent what happened to her, I would have done it." 

Toby stopped, his chest heaving with exertion. For so long he'd been silent, keeping everything bottled up inside. He hadn't realized just how much he needed to get that off his chest. 

But, at what expense? When he looked at the President's grief-stricken face, the pain and anguish in his watery blue eyes, he felt a moment of horror. What in God's name had he done? What had possessed him to choose this man to unburden himself upon? Why had he chosen the one man who would be most devastated by all he had to say? Was he looking to share the guilt with the man who felt more than his share of that emotion? Or, was he hoping that Josiah Bartlet, the most religious friend that he had, the man who had at one point in his life thought about becoming a priest could offer him absolution? Absolution that his own faith did not offer? 

**** 

Now this was more like it. This was why he had come here – to help and to comfort not simply to gape at the damage that Mother Nature could cause. A tornado had ripped through this small Oklahoma town, killing many and leaving many other's homeless. His staff had wanted to send out the new V.P. to offer help and condolences, all, that is, but CJ. CJ wanted him to be out and about. She wanted him to be "seen" working for America not hiding out in the White House wallowing in his own misery. The truth was that he had jumped at the chance. He HAD cooped himself up in the White House with only a weekly visit from Ellie to look forward to. He needed to get out – needed to rejoin the world – and if he could help people in some way then all the better. 

Right now he knew that CJ was pissed at him. They weren't supposed to be here at this shelter; they weren't supposed to be talking to honest to God Americans in this time of need. He was supposed to survey the damage, make a few statements offering condolences and promising federal aid, and then they would be back off to Washington. But, he found that he couldn't do that. These were people, REAL people, whose lives had been shattered, much as his had been shattered almost three months earlier when Leo had come to him to tell him that his wife and daughters had been kidnapped. These were people who deserved more than just a quick soundbite from their President. 

"We were in the car together and the noise was so loud it was like a freight train was coming." 

Sitting in front of an old man with a cut on his forehead, Jed nodded his head listening intently. 

"I…I just don't know how I'm going to get along without her. I don't even know what to feed the damn cat." 

Jed nodded again, instinctively knowing that nothing a stranger said would make him feel better if he had lost his Abbey and so he simply reached out to take the man's hand in his, a stranger's hand, offering him the comfort that he was not alone. 

A few minutes later, he held a sobbing woman in his arms – a woman who had lost both of her children just hours before. 

"I…I just don't understand," the woman cried in anguish. "Why didn't HE take me, too? I WANT to die. I can't live without them! Why didn't he let me die, too?!" 

Jed ached with the woman's pain. He couldn't imagine losing one of his children never mind two in one day. He imagined the need to die and be with them would be very, very strong. For a long time he'd thought it strange that there was a name for children who lost their parents – orphans, but there wasn't a name for parents who lost a child. Once he had children he understood completely why there was no term for that loss. There simply wasn't a word strong enough, sad enough or devastating enough to convey the despair of that kind of loss. 

CJ grew frustrated as she watched the President, knowing that time was being wasted and that he didn't share that viewpoint. She watched him hugging crying old women, bouncing confused children on his knee, offering a comforting arm over the shoulder of a new young widow. She watched him sign stuffed teddy bears and soothe a crying baby on his shoulder. All and all she watched him being "Jed Bartlet" – the Jed Bartlet who had at one point thought about becoming a priest, the Jed Bartlet who had volunteered to teach at Indian reservations in Arizona, the Jed Bartlet who, along with his wife, had helped in Guatemalan refugee camps after a big earthquake, and the Jed Bartlet who had a standing date at the Manchester soup kitchen dishing out food and help to homeless people. This was a part of the man that had touched her heart from the moment she had met him. But, today it did not touch her heart. Today, it pissed her off. 

She really had no idea of what Jed Bartlet had gone through while his wife and children were missing – she didn't have a spouse, didn't have children and had no idea of just what kind of bond that was. She had seen the bond in action, witnessed the total devastation of the man while his family was missing and the pain and heartbreak in his wife just a few days ago, but she couldn't really know what Jed or Abbey Bartlet had been going through because seeing it was not feeling it. Of course she had loved, but never had she experienced that deep, primal love that a parent has for a child, a love that she had witnessed time and time again every time Jed or Abbey Bartlet's eyes fell on one of their children. There was a connection there that she feared she would never know and never completely understand. 

Still, in spite of the fact that she understood where he was coming from, she was still pissed off, for today he was blowing off important matters that the President of the United States needed to deal with. Today, he was ignoring her pleas for them to move on. Today, he was hanging up on Leo when his Chief of Staff reminded him that he couldn't stay here for the morning memorial service because he had an important meeting. Today, he was allowing Jed Bartlet to take precedence over the President and that scared her. 

**** 

As night settled in over the school the Red Cross had set up as a shelter, Jed made his way across the dark gymnasium and cafeteria. He heard babies crying and people coughing. He saw people still staring into space in shock and others huddled around a television and, for the first time in a very long time, he felt that he was being productive, that he was truly helping people. REAL people, not numbers in a budget or in a bill or a statistic on a piece of paper. Living, breathing people. He missed this, missed this one on one contact, listening to problems, searching for solutions or simply giving comfort. He felt helpful when he was holding a crying scared baby in his arms the way that he was not able to hold his own babies. He felt warm and good inside when he gave a scared, grieving woman a shoulder to cry on the way that he was not able to do with his own wife. He felt NEEDED in a way that he no longer did with his own family. 

There was a light on in a room off the cafeteria and Jed entered it to find that it was the kitchen and there was a woman loading the sink with pots and pans. 

"Hello." He stepped closer to the sink. 

The woman looked up, sure that the man speaking to her in that very, very famous voice could not be who she thought he was. She stared in awe when she saw Jed Bartlet in jeans and a jacket standing behind her with his hands in his pockets. He was even better looking in person than he was on TV and he was pretty darn handsome on TV. 

"Need any help?" 

It was the last thing that she'd expected the President of the United States to ask and she was still a bit tongue tied at being in his presence. 

"Um, no thank you, sir…I…I…I'm almost done." 

"I'm pretty good with a scouring pad." 

"That'd just be embarrassing for both of us, Mr. President." 

"You're with the Red Cross?" 

"I'm a volunteer and… I drive a school bus for the district." 

"That must be very rewarding. Getting to know all the children, watching them grow." 

The woman went silent trying to keep the tears from her eyes. "I'm sorry. I lost four kids on my route yesterday. . You know – at first, you're just glad it's not your kids – but, you gotta wonder what kind of a God would do such a terrible thing. We go to church every Sunday. We try to do the right thing. What kind of plan could this possibly be?" 

Jed wished that he had the answers. He'd been grappling with those very questions a lot lately. All of those moments when he'd looked on the back of a milk carton and thought, "There but for the grace of God, go I." But, the grace of God hadn't been with him three months ago when his wife and children had been kidnapped and tortured. Well, at least that was how he had felt at the time. Now he was beginning to wonder. Had it been with him all along? He'd sat here all day listening to people who had lost everything, their homes, their loved ones, and their place of worship. He'd held the hand of a man who had lost his wife of fifty-five years and a mother who had lost both of her children. Those people were not getting a second chance. God had given him a second chance with Abbey, Zoey and Aislinn and he'd been sitting on his ass squandering that chance away. How many of these people in here would give anything to have the second chance that he'd been given. He'd been so riddled with guilt that he felt he deserved to be alone and lonely, that he deserved that as his penance. But, today proved to him that life was too short and too precious for things like penance and separations. Somehow, some way, he had to make use of his second chance. 

With that firm resolution, he took the dishrag hanging on the sink and started to wipe the dishes dry silently formulating a plan that would help him lure his wife back to the White House and back into his life. A plan that would allow him to take advantage of the second chance that he'd been given. 

> _But we carry on our backs the burden_  
>  Time always reveals   
> The lonely light of morning   
> the wound that would not heal   
> it's the bitter taste of losing everything   
> that I have held so dear. 
> 
> Though I've tried, I've fallen.   
> I have sunk so low   
> I have messed up   
> better I should know   
> So don't come round here   
> and tell me I told you so....   
>    ( _Fallen_ by Sarah McLachlan)


	13. Finding Our Way Back Home

> _I don't pick up the mail,_  
>  I don't pick up the phone,   
> I don't answer the door,   
> I just soon be alone   
> I don't keep this place up,   
> I just keep the lights down,   
> I don't live in these rooms,   
> I just rattle around 
> 
> I'm just a ghost in this house,   
> I'm shadow upon these walls,   
> As quietly as a mouse,   
> I haunt these halls,   
> I'm just a whisper of smoke,   
> I'm all that's left of two hearts on fire,   
> That once burned out of control,   
> You took my body and soul,   
> I'm just a ghost in this house 
> 
> I don't care if it rains,   
> I don't care if it's clear,   
> I don't mind stayin near,   
> There's another ghost here,   
> He sits down in your chair,   
> And he shines with your light,   
> And he lays down his head,   
> On your pillow at night…   
>    ( _Ghost in this House_ by Alison Krauss)

**** 

Jed leaned back heavily in his chair putting his feet up on his desk and closing his eyes. He was in the air somewhere over Middle America flying on Air Force One back to Washington. CJ had just left his office and he realized that in the past few months he had in effect managed to piss off damn near his whole staff. CJ had been the lone holdout and now even she was pissed at him. She didn't understand him, didn't understand his need to be more than just a figurehead. There was only one person who would understand what he had done and what he was feeling and, unfortunately, she was pissed at him, too. His fingers itched to pick up the phone and dial the farm. He longed to share with Abbey all the pain and suffering that he had witnessed over the past two days and to hear her comforting voice. It was horrible not having anyone to talk to too, not having anybody to share things with. He'd taken for granted just how important that was to him, how much it meant to just be able to talk to his wife. He held back now because he knew that she wouldn't welcome his call. Their communication had come down to the children; anything personal was met with a cold silence. Then again, he hadn't phoned the children yet today, and maybe if he was lucky he could just hear his wife's voice answering the phone. 

**** 

"Daddy…Daddy…" 

Abbey looked up from the basket of laundry that she was folding on her bed to see Nicholas standing in front of the small bedroom TV pointing to the screen. 

"I see my daddy…" 

Aislinn got up from Abbey's feet where she was practicing folding a face cloth and stood beside her brother watching their father on TV. Abbey stopped what she was doing and watched the news footage of her husband in a Red Cross shelter. She saw the compassion in his beautiful eyes and the empathy on his face. She watched him squat down to talk to young children, bounce fussy toddlers on his knee, and soothe crying babies on his shoulder. 

She held Aislinn's sleeper, still warm from the dryer, tightly to her chest as if she could push the pain from there. She was watching Jed Bartlet on that TV, not just the President. She was watching the father of her children, the man who stayed up all night walking a colicky Aislinn, who put off State of the Union speech practice to rock a sick Nicholas to sleep. She was watching the man who played with them and held them and loved them with all his heart. The man she had denied the chance to offer the hugs and comfort he was giving to the children of strangers instead. 

She was still watching the footage when the phone rang. 

"Hello," she answered. 

"Hi, Abbey. It's me." 

Abbey was silent with the surprise at hearing his voice when she'd just been watching him on TV. 

"Abbey, are you there?" 

"Yes, yes, I'm here. Sorry. I'm in the bedroom and the kids have the TV on." 

Jed could picture her on the line standing at the bedroom window – her hip jutting out to one side, her finger twirling a strand of silky auburn hair. Some people doodled while they were on the phone, but Abbey twirled her hair. He could picture her there so clearly that it was a physical ache not to be there with her. 

"Well…Uh…Can I talk to the kids?" 

She tried to conceal her disappointment at his not asking to speak with her. "Of course." She put the phone down from her ear. "Kids, your daddy is on the phone. Who wants to talk to him?" 

"Me, me, me…" Nicky raced over to his mother, grabbing the phone eagerly from her hand. 

"Deer, Daddy." 

"Dear Nicholas," Jed chuckled. 

"No, DEER, Daddy. Foh deer." 

"Oh, you saw four deer." 

"Yup. I seed foh deer. Mumma taked me n' Azlin in da woods." 

"And that's where you saw the deer." 

"Dey was dwinkin' fwom da pond. Panna barked." 

"Did Panda scare them?" 

"Uh huh. Dey runned away." Nicky giggled but then he felt the need to pass on what he felt was important information. "I SICK, Daddy." 

The smile left Jed's face. "What do you mean you're sick?" 

"I frowed up on Mumma." 

"You've been throwing up?" 

"Yup. But, Mumma don't get mad. Mumma let me seep with her and she wubbed my back. She say 'poor Nicky'." 

"Well, I'm sorry to hear that you aren't feeling well, buddy. Can you put Mommy back on the phone?" 

"Mumma." Nicholas handed the phone back to his mother, which took Abbey by surprise. Jed never talked to her after the kids. 

"Jed?" 

"What is this I hear about Nicholas being sick?" His voice was steely with restrained anger. 

"He's been sick. Some kind of stomach virus." 

"And you didn't feel the need to INFORM me of that. I'm his FATHER, Abigail." 

"I'm well aware of that, JOSIAH. But you know you aren't the easiest guy to get a hold of." 

"Don't give me that shit. You have my cell phone number and if that doesn't work you know exactly how to reach me for an emergency." 

"This wasn't an emergency, Jed. He had a fever, nothing high enough to worry about and he threw up a few times. It was a stomach bug, nothing we haven't been through a hundred times." 

"Only this time I'm not going through it, am I? I didn't even know my child was sick." 

"Jed, I think you're being a little melodramatic." 

"Am I? Put yourself in my place. At YOUR request, I haven't seen those kids in over two months. All I get are phone calls and updates from you. I have to trust that you're telling me everything and now I find out that Nicky's been sick and you didn't tell me." 

"Jed, look, I'm sorry I didn't tell you that Nicky had a stomach bug. But, really, he's fine." 

"Well, I guess I'll see that for myself in a couple of days." 

"I guess you will." 

Abbey stared at the receiver in her hand. She had a feeling that this visit wasn't going to go quite the way that she had planned. 

**** 

The landscape in rural New Hampshire was particularly bleak in late November, the world a mixture of gray and brown. Gray barren limbs reaching out to a pewter colored sky and the once lush fields of green now covered with dried brown grass and dead leaves. Jed didn't care. He was home and that was all that mattered. In just a few minutes he would be back where he should have been all along, He would be holding his children in his arms and face to face with the woman that he loved. He would be taking charge of the situation, as he should have from the start. 

**** 

Awaiting her husband's arrival, Abbey was as nervous as her children were excited. Months – it has been MONTHS since she had seen him. In all the years that they'd been married, they had never gone that long without seeing each other. And, she really wasn't sure what to expect from Jed. The last time she had spoken with him on the phone he had sounded upset and assertive, more like the old Jed than the timid, accommodating man she had spoken with all fall had. She tried to concentrate on the book in her hands but found that she kept reading the same paragraph over and over and finally gave up. She slid her reading glasses off, letting them fall on their chain against her breasts and looked up to watch her children. They were both kneeling in the window seat, munching on the grapes and cubes of cheddar cheese that she'd made them for a snack, while they waited for their father's motorcade to pull up. She smiled softly as she watched Aislinn bounce impatiently on her knees and finally Nicky climbed down and turned to her. 

"Mumma, where DADDY?" 

"Keep watching. He's on his way. He should be here in just a few minutes. Have a little patience." 

"Want Daddy, NOW." Nicky stomped his foot for effect and Aislinn added a few more impatient bounces. Abbey should have known that any child with Jed Bartlet's genes would not have an ounce of patience in their body. 

"Well, I can't help you with that, buddy. Just keep your eyes peeled. He should be here soon." 

Nicky stared at her a few moments longer hoping she might change her answer then reluctantly jammed his thumb back in his mouth and leaned over the window seat to watch for him, his feet dangling to kick against the wall with frustration. That frustration turned to elation when his vigilance was rewarded in just a few minutes when he saw the flashing lights and line of cars that signaled his father's arrival. 

"DADDY!" He shouted and both he and Aislinn raced from Abbey's sitting room to the front door. 

By the time that Jed opened the door, they were primed and ready, hurling themselves at his legs with a shriek of "DADDY!" from Nicholas. The quick sting of tears surprised Jed as he squatted down accepting their hugs and kisses and the lapping tongues of Panda and Max who were jumping on him with excitement. After months of loneliness and despair, he was again enveloped in the love of his children, and really, what man receiving a welcome such as this would not feel like a king. 

He gazed over their fair heads, noting that one of the autumnal bouquets he'd been sending each week to Abbey had a place of importance right in the front hall foyer. At least she hadn't been throwing them out as he had suspected she might be doing, so that was a plus. Speaking of Abbey, he knew she had to be somewhere close by. He turned to the left and saw her standing in the open doorway of her very feminine sitting room, a fire burning in the fireplace behind her, the scent of cinnamon spice potpourri telling him that he was home. She wore a pair of dark brown slacks and a cream colored sweater that set off her russet hair and most importantly she still wore his ring on her finger. Another HUGE plus. 

She hadn't expected it, that tingle of sexual awareness that ran up her spine when his blue gaze connected with her as intimately as a physical caress. Yet, as he got closer, she noted with a pang the toll this separation had taken on him. He looked tired, worn out, the usually barely noticeable lines on his face just a little more pronounced. She had no way of knowing that his eyes were doing a little assessing of their own and that her own face did not conceal her secrets well either. The pale tone to her skin and the soft shadowy smudges under her eyes told him all he needed to know about how well she was doing up here, about the nightmares that he was sure must still plague her. 

His mind quickly flashed to the conversation that he'd had with Toby and images flashed through his mind, images of what she must see in those nightmares that had her curled up and crying so pitifully, it made his heart break. He wanted to pull her into his arms, to hold her and tell her that everything was going to be okay, but he was still very unsure where he stood with her. So, instead he reached out his hands to take hers, the electrical current between them as powerful as it had ever been. 

"Abbey." 

"Jed." She couldn't look away from the intensity of his eyes. They simply stared at each other, drinking in the features that they had been missing for so long. But, the spell was quickly broken by another tackle to the legs by their children. 

"Daddy, Daddy…come see…come see…" Nicholas grabbed one hand and Aislinn took the other and together they dragged him across the living room and into the kitchen. Hanging by magnets on the refrigerator were turkeys cut out of brown paper bags. They had used their own small hands as stencils to make the feathers and then painted them with finger paints. 

"Did you two make these?" Jed's eyes feigned astonishment. 

Aislinn nodded enthusiastically and smiled her nose giving a cute little wrinkle just like her mother's did. 

"Mumma and Zoey helpted us," Nicholas admitted. 

"Well, you did a fine job with the Easter decorations." 

"Not Easter," Nicholas gave him a puzzled frown. 

"It's not Easter?" Jed looked confused and placed a finger on his lips as if deeply concentrating. "Hmmm…Is it St. Patrick's Day?" 

"No, Daddy," Nicky and Aislinn were giggling now, Aislinn still silently, Jed noted. 

"Is it the Fourth of July…Labor Day?" Each suggestion got another giggle. "Okay then, I GIVE UP," Jed crossed his arms over his chest with comical frustration. "What holiday are we celebrating tomorrow?" 

"TANKSGIVING!" Nicholas hopped from foot to foot with glee at having helped his stumped father. 

"Ohhhh…. Thanksgiving. Well, I should have known that, shouldn't I? So tell me, what do we do on Thanksgiving?" 

Not able to give her father the information that he was asking for and feeling left out of his conversation with Nicky, Aislinn began to withdraw. 

Jed watched his baby girl stick her fingers in her mouth and sadly turn to leave the room dragging her blankie. 

"Where do you think you're going, young lady?" Jed called out to her. "You come back here and talk to me." 

Aislinn made her way solemnly back to him. She wanted so desperately to please this man that she adored, but she was sure that she could not talk to him the way that he wanted. 

Jed knelt down on the floor in front of her where she could be sure to see him. "I asked you what we do on Thanksgiving." He spoke the words again, only this time he signed them as well. Aislinn's pretty blue-green eyes lit with excitement and a broad smile beamed across her face. It was worth all the hours he had spent learning this new language just to see the joy on his little girl's face. 

"We eat turkey," Aislinn signed. 

"Anything else…?" Jed signed back. It was at that moment that Abbey came around the corner and saw them signing. 

"Jed?" she spoke his name sharply. "What are you doing?" 

"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm talking to my daughter." 

"But you said…you were against the sign language." 

"Yeah, I was. I'm still not sure it's the best way to go, but I want to talk to Aislinn, and if this is the only way that I can do it, I figured it was time to learn. Joey Lucas' interpreter has been working with me and I have a book that I use to practice every night." 

"You took lessons to learn to sign?" Another piece of Abbey's heart thawed at the revelation. 

"It wasn't that hard to pick up. You know I've always been good at languages. No big deal." 

"I think it's a very big deal. I know you were completely against this part of her therapy." 

"I love her, Abbey. I just want to do what's best for her." 

"I know you do. I've never doubted that." 

"Well, that's something, anyway." 

"What's that supposed to mean?" 

"You just seem to have so many doubts about me all of the sudden. I'm just glad that you don't doubt my love for our children." 

"Jed…" Abbey touched his forearm, moved by the sadness in his voice. 

With the typical lack of awareness of a child, Nicholas grabbed at his father's pants tugging at him. "Come pay kite, Daddy." 

"You want to fly a kite…NOW?" 

"Yes…yes…yes…" Nicky jumped with every affirmative exclamation. 

Jed looked to Abbey. 

"Go ahead," she nodded affectionately at them. "They missed you." 

**** 

Later that evening, after a chilly afternoon flying a kite with his kids in the back pasture and an early supper, Jed took a couple of phone calls to the White House in his study. The calls ended up being longer than expected and when he finally came out, the kids were no longer coloring at the kitchen table while Abbey and Zoey did the dishes. He moved across the foyer and smiled at the bottom of the stairs as he heard Nicky's squeals of laughter and Abbey's soft voice trying to keep him calm. The sound of splashing water indicated that it was bath time. Laughter – that was something that had been sorely missed lately in his life. He made his way up the stairs ready help, but just as he approached the door, two streaking naked children raced down the hallway, one shrieking with the delight of being chased. 

"I'm going to get that naked little butt!" Abbey gave chase down the hall with diapers in one hand and powder in the other. 

"Need some reinforcements?" Jed asked. 

"With those two I could use a battalion." 

Jed nodded and together they corralled the children and were able to get them powdered, diapered and pj'ed in record time. Later, after four stories, prayers and a couple of halfhearted arguments about not being "seepy", Jed stood over Aislinn's crib watching her fall asleep. Her blond curls were tangled on the pillow, her thumb in her mouth, her blankie held tightly to her chest with a skinny little arm no longer covered in a cast. Her cheeks were still rosy from the windy day spent outside and her eyelashes, much darker than her nearly white blond hair lay against them. Her little pink rosebud mouth curled around her thumb, pursing every so often as she sleepily suckled. She was so beautiful, this precious little angel of his. 

Abbey turned from tucking Nicholas in and stood transfixed for a moment at the hungry look on Jed's face as he gazed down at his baby girl. The stark longing tugged gently at her heartstrings and before her emotions got the better of her, she left the room. 

Jed was well aware of her exit but he continued to watch his children sleep for quite awhile before leaving to look for his wife. He found her in the library reading in front of the fireplace, the flames creating a fiery halo of her copper curls. 

Abbey felt his eyes on her and completely lost any concentration she might have had in the book she was reading. She continued to stare at the written page while she listened to him move to the bookshelf then settle himself in the overstuffed chair across from her. Her skin tingled with awareness and she knew instinctively that he was not reading his book – that his eyes were on her. She fought the urge to gaze up at him, but it was useless to even try to read her book. She was too unsettled by his presence to concentrate. She couldn't help but think about how this would have been just a few months ago, him sprawled out reading with his head in her lap, her fingers absently trailing through his thick hair while she sat engrossed in her own book. It was the silent distance; everything that had been left unsaid that created such tension between them. 

Finally, she snapped her book closed and her gaze moved to him. She was right. He wasn't reading his book. He was seated comfortably in his chair, his jean clad legs thrust out before him just oozing with pure animal magnetism. 

"Aren't you going to read your book?" Her question came out sharper than she'd intended. 

"I'd rather just look at you." 

The sensual tone of his answer unsettled Abbey even more, for looking at him in that chair, she had the most overpowering urge to forget all about everything and just jump his bones. The image of herself straddling him on that chair and taking him so deeply inside her sex-starved body was so vivid it created a horrible pulsing ache between her thighs, horrible because she knew that it could not be assuaged by him. Not tonight, not yet. What lay between them was too important to let sex brush it aside as they had done so many times throughout their history. She wouldn't allow herself to even THINK about sleeping with Jed until after they cleared the air, something she hoped to do once the holiday was over. 

"Well, I'm really tired." She yawned. "I think I'm going to take a bubble bath and go to bed early." 

Jed smiled at the feigned yawn. He knew he was getting to her. "Good night, Abbey." 

"Good night." 


	14. Finding Our Way Back Home

> _Oh, my love, my darling,  
>  I hunger for your touch,   
> a long, lonely time.   
> And time goes by so slowly,   
> and time can do so much,   
> are you still mine?   
> I need your love,   
> I need your love   
> God speed your love to me. _   
>    ( _Unchained Melody_ by Hy Zaret and Alex North)

Fresh from her shower, Abbey clicked off the radio silencing the sentimental song of love and longing that caused her eyes to sting with tears. The room now quiet, she threw on one of her old surgical scrub tops and climbed under the blankets with the book she had been trying to read all day. She slid her glasses up the bridge of her nose and tried to concentrate on the written word. It was no use. She still couldn't relax. Not with Jed in the house. She stared at the bedroom door wondering where he planned on sleeping. Was he right now in the guestroom slipping off his jeans and his socks and climbing into bed wearing only his boxers? Or was he still reading in the library, his glasses falling down the bridge of his nose in a way that she found irresistibly sexy? Was he planning to crawl into bed next to her and take his usual place on the left side of her? 

It was silly to be nervous, she told herself. They'd shared a bed forever, but her body was still tightly wired and her heart gave an extra beat every time she heard a noise in the hall, or Max pricked his ears and stirred at her feet. It wasn't that she was afraid of Jed trying to put the moves on her, more that she wasn't sure of what her reaction should be. Should she let him slide into bed and pretend as if the past three months hadn't happened or should she send him off to the guestroom? She knew that it was time for them to talk things out, to get things out into the open, but tonight was not the night to open those floodgates, not the day before their house would be filled with family arriving for the holiday. 

Abbey's breath caught in her throat and her body stiffened as she saw the doorknob turn, the light from the hall spilling into her bedroom as the door was pushed open. She thought for sure that she would see Jed standing in the doorway ready to take his rightful place at her side. It wasn't Jed. 

"Mumma, I SICK…" 

Abbey watched her son's bottom lip quiver and the tears start to streak down his cheeks. She immediately climbed out of bed and knelt before him noting right away the small stain of vomit on his sleeper. 

"Oh, sweetie, did you throw up?" 

Nicky nodded miserably. "I frowed up." 

"Do you feel like you might throw up again?" She questioned him while she unzipped and removed the sleeper then felt his forehead with her palm. 

Nicky nodded and sniffed rubbing the back of his hand across his nose. 

"Okay, then let's get you over to the toilet." 

"Mumma, where Daddy?" Nicky gave a confused frown as he looked at the empty bed. 

"Daddy hasn't gone to bed yet." Abbey hated to lie to her children but they didn't need any more confusion or problems than they already had. 

**** 

Jed had just gotten out of the shower and was standing in the middle of the guestroom with a towel wrapped around his waist wondering if he dared go to his bedroom, wondering what Abbey's reaction would be if he did, wondering if she would feel he was pressuring her or if he might do her more psychological damage than had already been done, when he caught a glimpse of Nicholas moving down the hall toward her bedroom, Tigger dangling from his fingertips. He quickly threw on a clean pair of underwear and some sweats and made his way down the hall. When he entered the master bedroom, his old bedroom, he saw the door to the bathroom open. Nicholas stood hunched over the toilet wearing only his diaper while Abbey knelt beside him rubbing his back and murmuring soft words of love and encouragement to make him feel better. Jed's heart softened at the sight. He'd always loved watching Abbey mother their children. 

"What's the matter, little buddy? You sick?" 

Abbey glanced up quickly at the sound of Jed's voice. He stood in the doorway barefooted, wearing just a pair of sweats and no shirt. She cast an appreciative eye up and down her incredibly sexy husband's half-naked form. His hair was still shaggy and wet from his shower and a quick stab of lust hit her deep in the belly as she watched the little droplets of water that clung to his chest hair and ran in little rivulets down to his navel. 

"Daddy, you comed." Nicky turned his pale face to him and gave him a wan smile. 

"Yup, I'm here." 

"I frowed up, AGAIN." 

Jed stepped up next to him and added his soothing hand to rubbing the small boy's knobby little back. 

"Will you stay with him?" Abbey asked. "I want to get the thermometer." 

Jed nodded and Abbey stood. Her wet hair was in loose ringlets and she smelled of roses indicating that she'd just gotten out of a bubble bath. He'd missed that little bit of femininity. 

But it was her nightwear that really hit Jed in the gut. She was wearing nothing but surgical scrubs without the pants, the top barely making it halfway down her thighs. He watched her make her way to the sink and his throat went dry when she tiptoed and reached up to the top shelf of the medicine cabinet. Her top rode up high revealing a pair of white lace bikini panties and the shadowy triangular mound of auburn curls they hid from his view. 

"Here it is." Abbey grabbed the thermometer. She turned back toward her guys and saw right away the hunger in Jed's eyes. Self consciously, she tugged at the hem of the surgical top knowing that it didn't have any give to stretch out to cover her anymore than it was. 

Seeing her discomfort, Jed quickly glanced away. The last thing that he wanted was for Abbey to think that he expected her to have sex with him. He knew that after all she had been through that it might take a long time before that intimate part of their relationship got back on track. He was fine with that. He could wait for as long as Abbey wanted or needed, as long as they could get everything else back on track. 

"100.2," Abbey read the thermometer. "Not too bad." 

"Do you think his stomach bug is back?" 

"Noo…." Abbey drew out the word as she looked into her son's ears with an othoscope. She might not have her license anymore, but that didn't keep her from trying to diagnose her only family's problems. "His ears are a little inflamed. I think he's cutting another tooth." 

Jed watched as she laid Nicholas on the carpet and began running a cool cloth over his feverish body to both clean and cool him. "Should I get him some ginger ale or something?" 

Abbey smiled softly. Jed had always fought against feeling helpless. He always had that strong need to be doing something useful. "That would be great. Thank you." 

**** 

By the time Jed returned with the sippie cup of ginger ale and a couple of saltine crackers, Abbey had given Nicky his medicine, changed his diaper and dressed him in a clean fresh pair of pajamas, his favorite SpongeBob pj's. He reached his little arms out to Jed and Jed lifted him up and against his chest. Nicky's head immediately fit under Jed's chin. 

"Daddy, wock me." Nicky's words were spoken around his thumb. 

"Sure, I'll rock you back to sleep, sport." He gazed down at Abbey who was throwing Nicky's soiled pajamas in the hamper. "I'll take care of him. Why don't you go ahead and get some sleep." 

"You sure?" 

"I'm sure," Jed smiled. 

"Okay, then. Goodnight, sweet pea." She kissed Nicholas on the forehead. 

"Night night, Mumma." 

"Good night, Jed." 

"Good night, Abbey." 

**** 

Holding Nicholas in his arms while he rocked him, feeling his head heavy against his chest and inhaling the familiar fragrance of Johnson's baby shampoo, Jed was consumed with a feeling of contentment. A feeling of rightness that hadn't existed back in Washington. Nothing there had seemed right without Abbey and the kids. The job had been the same, the problems the same, the challenges the same, but somehow it wasn't the same. It wasn't the same at all when he was on his own without anyone to share his accomplishments and comfort him through his failures. 

No, he gazed down his lips, brushing his son's silky blond hair. This was real, this was love and there was nothing more important than being a part of his children's life. He had allowed guilt – guilt and more guilt – to keep him from fighting for this right but not anymore. He needed to make a stand and this was the weekend he planned to do it. 

**** 

Back in her bedroom, Abbey tossed and turned. She was exhausted but her body was still finely tuned to the subtle currents that now filled the house. Currents that were absent when Jed was away. It was amazing what having testosterone in the house could do to her. She felt like some kind of nymphomaniac fantasizing about crawling into Jed's bed and taking him into her mouth and then deeply into her core filling up her emptiness with his full essence. No, she amended, it wasn't just any testosterone; it was only Jed who could do this to her. Only Jed who could set her blood on fire even when she fought their connection with all that she had. Physically, their bodies were always finely in tune with each other; it was emotionally and intellectually that they sometimes had their issues. Physically, she thought with a yawn, they were always compatible, matching each other touch for touch stroke for stroke, fantasy for fantasy. Her thoughts began to drift off as finally the half a Xanax she had taken hoping to ward off any nightmares that would cause Jed to come running, took affect and she fell into a deep, dreamless sleep. 

**** 

Later that night, when the movie she was watching was over, Zoey made her way down the hall toward her bedroom. She paused for a moment outside her parents' bedroom wondering if her father was in there this time. She remembered the many times she'd walked by this very bedroom to hear her parents, the low murmur of their voices as they talked about their days, the soft intimate laughter, and even the sometimes embarrassing moans and cries of passion that couldn't quite be stifled. There was none of that tonight, only silence, and sometimes silence was scarier than anger. With anger, all parties knew where they stood. Right now Zoey had no idea of where her parents stood. With a sigh she turned from the master bedroom and made her way to her own room. 

**** 

The sun had barely risen when Abbey found herself puttering around her kitchen starting preparations for the big holiday feast to come. She and Zoey had done the desserts the previous day so she didn't have to worry about that part of the meal, but there was still a lot to do. Cooking had always been a way of relaxing for her. The house was always filled with baked goods when she was particularly stressed. The morning had dawned cold, dark, and windy but she was warm and cozy in her comfortable farm kitchen. 

When Jed entered the kitchen, he saw her standing at the counter stirring a bowl of banana pancake batter for breakfast. She wore a pair of faded low riding jeans and a tight ribbed T-shirt that rode up revealing her midriff when she reached for ingredients. 

Abbey didn't need to turn to know that Jed had entered the room. He was the only person who could fill the room with such an electrical charge for her. She could feel the small hairs on the nape of her neck tingle with the awareness of him. 

"Morning," she said without turning around. 

"Morning." He approached the counter and stood next to her. Her damp hair was pulled up haphazardly into a big clip revealing the vulnerable curve of her elegant neck. It took all his willpower to keep from pressing his lips to the gentle soft curve there and to feel her shiver of pleasure when he did so. He'd seen her like this a thousand times, but now that she was forbidden territory, it was even sexier to him, harder for him to resist. "Anything I can do to help?" 

"You could pour me a cup of coffee." This time she gave him a sideways glance, almost immediately feeling the quick leap of her pulse. He stood beside her wearing just his jeans, the top button still open, his shirt dangling from his fingers. She had to fight the urge to run her fingertips over his belly and up to his chest and was exceedingly grateful when he slipped his shirt on over his head, tucked it into his pants and buttoned them. She thought things were safer that way but she hadn't reckoned on a familiar task like watching him wrap his hands around a steaming mug of coffee turning her on by reminding her of times past. She stared at his strong forearm covered with the course golden hair she loved to stroke while they cuddled up watching TV or a movie or after they had made love. She eyed his masculine, blunt tipped fingers, remembering the pleasure they could bring her – massaging, soothing, squeezing, stroking, and caressing, touching her as only he could. 


	15. Finding Our Way Back Home

Jed sat back enjoying the commotion that took place as Abbey's father finished the blessing and Thanksgiving dinner started with everyone passing dishes around and talking. He loved these kind of large noisy family gatherings, he always had. His childhood had been one of rigid manners; silence and politeness and he'd been determined that his own children would not grow up that way. With the help of his outgoing wife, who had been raised in a more open manner, they had succeeded. 

He surveyed the two tables that had been set up in the dining room. He and Abbey had always bucked tradition when it came to having a "kids" table at large holiday meals. From the beginning, Abbey had found it offensive that children were not deemed worthy enough to dine with adults at mealtime and for Jed raised at a table where children should be seen and not heard, it was a novel idea, and one that he had embraced wholeheartedly. Of course there had been times when the children dined earlier or at another table, but in general the Bartlet daughters had taken their meals with their parents and whatever interesting guests they might be having over for dinner. Growing up that way had lead to the intelligent, opinionated, well-mannered, well-rounded and well-informed young women that they had become. 

This tradition continued on. Down the table from him, Annie and Gus were arguing over who had taken too much of the crispy, gooey marshmallow that covered the top of the sweet potato pie and to his left, his youngest daughter sat in her high chair eating her mashed potatoes with her fingers. 

"Use your spoon, Aislinn." Jed tried to insert the sticky small spoon into her fingers but Aislinn was not interested. It wasn't nearly as fun to eat with a spoon as it was to squeeze the gooey potatoes through her fingers then mash the mess into her mouth. 

Jed slipped a couple of pieces of turkey between her lips, trying to get her to eat something other than the potatoes she was so intrigued by. He noticed that Abbey was fighting the same losing battle at the table next to him, trying to coax Nicholas to eat some butternut squash when he was more interested in ripping apart his roll and dropping the pieces of bread over the edge of his high chair tray to the floor. They were making a mess and they required constant attention to mop up faces and pick up spilled food or utensils, but he didn't mind in the least. He was a father, and that's what father's do. And mothers, he thought with a smile, as he watched Abbey absently pick a piece of buttered bread out of Nicky's hair while she sipped from her glass of white wine and laughed at something her sister said. 

He loved being a father; it defined who he was as much as being a husband and being the President did. There was a time that it had been a role that he had feared – one that he wasn't sure he had been prepared properly for. But, from the moment tiny, squalling, red faced Elizabeth had been placed naked into his arms, so furious with the indignity of her arrival only to stop crying at the sound of his voice and stare up at him with his own big blue eyes as if she knew him, he knew that everything was going to be all right. Abbey had said that she must recognize his voice from all the talking he had done to her while she was still in the womb, but Jed had known better. He had connected with his daughter in that moment as he had all his children. She knew he was her daddy and that he loved her with his entire heart and soul. Being a father was a part of his life that he had felt was missing while Abbey had been up here at the farm with the kids, and it was part of his life he'd almost lost. Just thinking about how very close he'd come to losing Abbey, Zoey and Aislinn could still make him break out in a sweat and cause his blood to run cold with terror. 

His eyes roamed down the table setting on each of his elder daughters, the two red heads and the blond, for just recently Ellie had dyed the strawberry out of her hair and was now just blond. Jed wondered if that had been a conscious decision to try to be different from her siblings and her mother. Self conscious and shy, Ellie had hated being one of the "Bartlet Babes" as the press had labeled her and her sisters and mother right after the Democratic Convention. The convention had been the turning point, the moment the Bartlet family of New Hampshire had grasped the imagination of the entire nation, turning Jed Bartlet from a dark horse to a front runner and unleashing a media frenzy on himself, his sexy, unconventional wife and his lovely young daughters. 

Pretty and soft-spoken, there was a gentleness to his middle daughter, an almost delicate femininity. One felt the need to protect Ellie. That wasn't the case with Elizabeth. The eldest of his daughters, Liz had a mind of her own. She was as stubborn, feisty and as opinionated as both he and Abbey. She was also as outgoing and popular as Ellie was shy and bookish. Bossy, her younger sisters would proclaim, but also very loving and nurturing and always there ready to help her younger sisters. 

And, if Liz was the typical eldest child, Zoey was the typical youngest. She had been the pampered, spoiled baby of the family for almost nineteen years until Aislinn and Nicholas had come along. Before the kidnapping, she had been cocky and confident, secure in the knowledge that she was loved. Flirty, a bit of a tease, and filled with her father's charm and her mother's keen wit, Zoey had rarely met a person she could not win over. Since the kidnapping, Jed had noticed a more mellow side to his daughter, a deeper level of maturity and one that he would find very attractive in her, if it hadn't occurred because of such a traumatic event. 

Aislinn slammed her sippie cup on her tray demanding Jed's wandering attention. 

"You need some more milk?" he asked. 

Aislinn nodded and signed, "More milk." 

Jed smiled down on her as she greedily grabbed the newly filled cup and began sucking at it right away. He wondered for just a moment what kind of a young woman Aislinn was going to be, what character traits were going to emerge as she grew older. Resemblance-wise, with her wispy fair curls, she looked most like Ellie had as a baby, but before the kidnapping she had shared Zoey's ability to flirt and charm and Elizabeth's outgoing persona. He wondered how much of that would come back and how much had been lost forever. 

Seeing a look of sadness fill her father's eyes, Ellie placed her hand on his. "Is something wrong, Dad?" 

"What? Oh…um, not a thing. Just saving room for dessert." 

"Mom made a maple cheesecake," Zoey told him. 

Abbey held her breath for a moment at the other table wondering if Jed would get the significance of the dessert that was his absolute favorite, of the peace offering she was sending his way. 

"Well, what would Thanksgiving be without your mother's maple cheesecake?" 

Abbey knew it wasn't fair to be disappointed. She DID after all make maple cheesecake every Thanksgiving. BUT, he should have known that if she was still completely pissed at him, she most certainly would not have made his favorite dessert. 

**** 

Jed was still helping to clear dishes from the table when Gus finally could not be patient for one second longer. 

"Papa Jed, Papa Jed, when are we going to be able to go outside and PLAY?" 

Jed smiled at the term. Gus' adoption hadn't completely gone through yet, so this was the term the little boy decided he was comfortable using to refer to him. 

"Give me ten minutes." 

"TEN minutes?!" To a five-year old boy, ten minutes was just as bad as saying ten years. 

"I have to help Gabby and your mother and aunts with the dishes." 

Abbey had become Gabby because "Gram Abbey" had been too much of a mouthful for the little boy. 

"Daddy, wanna go ousside, too." Nicholas added his plea. 

"Go ahead, Jed, "Abbey told him. "Mom, Jane, Sally and I can finish up in here. Why don't you take the girls and the kids out and have your football game. But, remember, this year no barbed wire." 

"Yes, ma'am." He winked at Gus, Nicholas, and Aislinn causing them to giggle. "Okay guys, we need to get hats and jackets on if we're going to have us a football game." 

The kids all scampered off toward the mudroom and as Jed followed them down the hall, he came face to face with Michael O'Neill. It was the first time he'd been alone with Abbey's father, the man he considered to be his father, and that had been by design. 

"Jed, have you been avoiding me?" Michael asked with a frown. It had not gone unnoticed by him that Jed had been uncomfortable in his presence and had avoided looking him in the eye and being alone with him. 

Jed had been dreading this moment all day. He hadn't seen Beth or Michael since the day Abbey had come home from the hospital. He had no idea how they felt about him, if they blamed him for the rape and torture of their daughter and the trauma to their granddaughters. 

"I guess I have," Jed admitted. 

"Why?" Michael's frown became more pronounced. 

"I guess I wasn't sure if you'd want to see me here. I mean, I know you must be angry about what happened." 

"Jed, I am beyond angry at what happened to my daughter and my granddaughters. There's not a night that goes by that I don't think of them in that trailer with those madmen and the horrifying things they did to them." 

Jed's eyes fell to the floor and he nodded. He'd had those same horrible images flashing through his own mind. 

"But, that wasn't YOUR fault, son." 

Jed looked up with surprise and pain filled his eyes. "I gave the orders for Abdul Shareef to be killed; you know that now. It WAS my fault." 

"Guilt's a terrible thing, son. It eats away at us and clouds our judgment. Yes, what you did as President of the United States caused retaliation against you, and your wife and children. My daughter and granddaughters were caught in the crossfire. I don't blame you for that. I blame the Secret Service who for the second time could not protect the people that I love." 

Jed held his breath. "Aren't you going to ask me?" 

"Ask you what?" Michael looked genuinely puzzled. 

"What damn near everyone asks me. If I KNEW that there was a threat out there against my family. If I knew something was going down that day that it happened." 

"Why on earth would anyone ask you that? Anyone who knows you knows DAMN well that if you had known anything out of the ordinary was going on that day, if you knew that threats had been made against Abbey or any of the girls, there is no way in HELL you ever would have let them leave the safety of the White House." 

"I wouldn't have, Dad." Jed had to take a deep breath to reign in his emotions. "I still see Aislinn waving good-bye to me and blowing me a kiss damn near every night when I crawl into bed. I see her over and over and over and I can't help but think that that could have been the last memory that I have of my little girl." 

"You can't dwell on that, son. You got her back and you got Zoey back. You got Abbey back. You got another chance. Don't let guilt ruin that chance." 

Jed nodded. He knew his father-in-law was right, but things were really starting to get a bit heavy and he had three children waiting for him. "You know, Dad, we need a referee. You interested?" 

"You bet I'm interested. But I need a whistle." 

"I gots a whissle, Gampy." 

Jed and Michael turned to see Nicholas digging into his pocket for the whistle Jed had given him three months earlier. His fleece-lined jacket was on inside out and he'd put his little hiking boots on the wrong feet. 

"Looks like you have a few dressing issues here, bud." Jed took off the coat and started to fix it so he could put it back on the right way. 

"Make sure you put hats on them." Abbey poked her head around the corner. "Just because you never think it's cold doesn't mean that it isn't." 

"I gots issues, Mumma," Nicholas informed her. 

"I can see that," Abbey grinned. "Two left feet just like your dad." She left the hallway before Jed even realized that she had just teased him. Maybe things were looking up. 

**** 

Abbey stood with her hands in the soapy dishwater, watching wistfully out her kitchen window at the backyard where her husband, children and grandchildren were having a spirited game of touch football. Dogs barked, children shrieked, and laughter filled the air. How long had it been since she laughed, she suddenly wondered. A pang of longing coursed through her body so strong that it caused her breath to catch in her throat. She wanted to laugh again. She wanted to be who she was before the kidnapping. She wanted her life back. 

"Hey, honey." 

Seeing where her daughter's gaze lay, she placed an arm around Abbey's slim waist and watched the rowdy game with her, wincing as she saw Nicholas fall flat on his face with the ball. She felt Abbey tense at her side ready to flee to the rescue, but Jed beat her there. He lifted the boy to his feet, examined his arms and legs, kissed a boo-boo to the elbow and in less than a minute, Nicholas was chasing Gus down to keep him from scoring a touchdown. 

"He's a good father," Beth commented. 

Abbey nodded, unable to speak. 

"Have the two of you talked since he came back?" 

Abbey shook her head negatively. "Not yet." 

Beth sighed. She had been watching her daughter all day with the eagle eye of a mother. She watched Abbey mothering her own children, slipping an arm around a waist, kissing a forehead, tucking strands of hair behind an ear, seeming to know with an innate sense which of her children needed her at the moment and just what they needed from her. Nothing was lacking when it came to her children; it was with her husband that Beth noticed something missing. Gone were the loving touches and quick kisses, the little intimate smiles they gave one another when they thought no one was looking and the easy fun-loving banter. 

"Don't wait too long, Abbey-girl." 

"I know," Abbey sighed. "I just don't know how to get the conversation started." 

"You've never had a problem with that before. You usually meet things head on and direct." 

"I know. But, this is bigger than anything we've ever dealt with before. I'm afraid I'll say the wrong thing and maybe I'm even afraid of his explanations. I'm afraid he's going to tell me that he didn't trust me or that he let me find out the way that I did because he just didn't feel like dealing with my anger." 

"I don't think that's it at all, sweetheart. But, you need to be honest with him about your feelings. I know part of you is afraid of hurting him, but there are no right and wrongs when it comes to feelings, you know that. The way you feel is just the way you feel. You have to stop letting things pile up inside of you. It isn't good for you and it isn't good for your marriage." 

"I know, Mom. I was just standing here thinking how much that I want things to be like they were before. I just wish I knew where to start." 

Beth gripped her daughter by the shoulders staring deeply into her lovely green eyes. "What do you want, Abbey? I mean what do you REALLY want? What are you willing to fight and beg and sacrifice for?" 

Abbey was silent for a moment but she had known the answer right away. 

"My family." The words were nearly a whisper as Abbey's eyes welled with tears. "I want my husband back. I want to put all of this behind me and be able to move forward." 

"Then maybe it's time that you started to fight for that and maybe," Beth affectionately pushed a strand of hair behind Abbey's ear, "just maybe, it's time you tell Jed that." 

Abbey nodded and glanced back out the window. Her eyes swam with tears as she watched Jed run with Aislinn tucked up under his arm, the football held tightly to her chest. Nicholas and Gus each hung off one of his legs trying to bring him down. A laughing Michael was trying to blow his whistle and their daughters were clapping and cheering the two young boys on. She wanted this, wanted desperately to be this family again. But, before she could do that she needed to know one little thing. She needed to know 'why'. She no longer blamed Jed for the kidnapping, but she very much needed to know why he had done what he did. Why had he hadn't trusted her enough to tell her and most of all why, oh why, he had let her find out about it on TV just like every other American in the country? Why he had inflicted that kind of pain on her? 

**** 

With the touch football game over, the players brought their laughter and teasing back into the house and crowded around the table Abbey and the others had filled with desserts. Sipping her coffee, Abbey watched Jed put a slice of maple cheesecake on his plate, then a piece of applesauce cake, and then he topped it off with a wedge of pumpkin pie. He felt his wife's eyes on him and turned to catch her lifted brow. 

He gave her his usual shrug. "It's not my fault you're such a good cook. You know what a hard time I have choosing dessert." 

Abbey smiled softly as she bent to make plates for Aislinn and Nicholas. "Yeah, I never have been able to cure you of that sweet tooth." 

"Nope, it's there for life. So, I take it the lemon meringue is out?" He gave her his sad little boy look. She wasn't falling for it. 

"I think three desserts is merely overeating, but four would probably move into the area of gluttony." 

Jed shrugged good-naturedly. "I guess I'll have the lemon later tonight." 

With dessert piled on their plates, most everyone headed to the living room to tune into the pro football games. It wasn't long before Nicholas tottered in alone with his plate in his hands. He stopped in front of Jed's recliner. 

"I sit wif you, Daddy," he proclaimed, while Gus clambered up on the couch between Elizabeth and Doug. 

Jed set his plate on the table and lifted Nicholas on to his lap. "Where's your sister?" he asked. 

"She go wif Annie n' do nails." Nicholas fluttered his fingers in front of Jed's eyes with a scowl to show his father what he thought of that idea. 

"That's okay. You can sit with me and watch the football game." 

Nicholas nodded and took his plate back. "I gots apposauce cake. Mumma puts whip cweam on it. Mmmmm…good." 

"It is good." Jed and Jon laughed at the way Nicholas rubbed his belly and closed his eyes with the delight in dessert that he shared with his father. "Your Mama makes the best applesauce cake." 

"My mumma cook good." He turned to his grandfather and Uncle Jon to make sure that they understood this as well. "But not gween beans." He wrinkled his nose in a gesture that was pure Abbey. 

"You don't like green beans?" Michael asked, his heart constricting at seeing his daughter so strongly in her son at that moment. 

"Nuh unh. Me n' daddy n' Azlin tink deys YUCKY. Mumma likes dem. Poor Mumma." He shook his head and took a big bite of his cake. 

"Poor Mumma what?" Abbey entered the room and sat down next to her father on the loveseat. 

Michael immediately placed an arm around her shoulders and pulled her close. 

"Nicholas here was just informing us about how sad your love of green beans is when everyone else thinks they're yucky." 

"Well, now that IS something to be concerned about." Abbey laid her head on her father's shoulder and Jed felt a quick stab of jealousy, wishing it were HIS shoulder that she lay on so easily, so lovingly. But, before he had time to dwell on those feelings Aislinn came running in the room flashing her pink painted fingernails at him and Abbey along with a big, bright Aislinn smile. 

"Pretty?" she signed. 

"Very pretty," Jed told her with a grin. "I think those are the prettiest fingernails I've ever seen." 

"Did Annie do your nails?" Abbey asked as she took one of Aislinn's tiny hands in hers and made a big play of surveying the work done to her miniscule nails. 

Aislinn nodded proudly then stuck out her bare foot to show them the painted toenails. 

"Well, look at that matching fingers and toes. Now you look just like your Mama." 

Aislinn nodded and knelt down on the floor to remove Abbey's green suede pump to show them that indeed her mother's toenails matched her fingernails. 

"Aislinn," Annie called into the room. "Do you want me to put the stickers on your fingernails?" 

Aislinn nodded eagerly and raced from the room. 

With his cake finished, Nicholas yawned, stuck his thumb in his mouth and fell back heavily against Jed's chest. "I's so TIWED, Daddy," he mumbled. 

Abbey made as if to stand, but Jed lifted a hand to keep her seated. "That's okay, buddy." He wiped some whipped cream off Nicky's upper lip and nose. "Just lay your head down on your dear old dad and go to sleep." 

**** 

Later, as Jed moved to the guestroom to get his in-laws jackets, it was Beth who cornered him. 

"She needs you, Jed." 

"What?" Jed turned around with a frown. 

"Abbey. I know she isn't asking for help, but she needs you." 

"I don't know what I can do, Beth. She won't let me in. She won't let me help her and even if she did, I don't know if I could. She's all messed up inside. She needs real help." 

"I won't argue with you there, son. But she needs more than psychological help. She needs the tender, understanding love and comfort of the man she loves. Don't let her shut you out anymore. You know she needs help. I know she needs help. It's up to you to make HER see that she needs help." 

"I'll do my best, Mom. But, right now Abbey isn't listening to very much of what I have to say." 

"She'll come around, Jed. I know my daughter. She's stubborn and hard headed but when she loves, she loves with all that she is and she loves you more than anyone else in this world. If she didn't love you so deeply, she would never be this deeply hurt." Beth ran a loving hand over her sad son-in-law's cheek. It hurt her to see him in such pain. 

"I hope you're right, Mom. I really hope you're right." 

"You know, I see you every night on the news, the brave face that you put on for the public, but how are you REALLY holding up." 

Jed couldn't answer for a moment. The simple compassion had knocked him for a loop. Abbey's parents, the people who most deserved to be pissed at him, had today offered him nothing but love, understanding and compassion. It was in that moment that he truly understood that he was their son, not the man to whom their daughter was married, not a son by marriage, but a true blue son – one that was covered in the unconditional love that all parents protected their children with. It was a profound revelation to realize that he was not only loved, but unconditionally loved. 

"I'm surviving, Mom." His voice was weary. "That's about all I can say. I'm surviving." 

"Surviving is a good thing, Jed. Now let's get back to living." 

**** 

The guests were all gone, the house was picked up and Jed was upstairs bathing and tucking the twins in for the night. Abbey, now wearing fleece sweatpants and a Trinity High Pioneers long sleeved T-shirt, sat curled up in front of the fireplace in the library sipping from her mug of coffee. She was too wiped out to even bother opening a book. She simply leaned her head back watching the dancing flames of the fire listening to the lovely strains of Mozart that settled over her. It was peaceful, it was relaxing and she really hadn't been getting very much sleep. 

When Jed came down to the library, he found Abbey curled up asleep in the big overstuffed chair. The flames of the fire danced in her brilliant auburn hair and brought a rosy flush to her cheeks. 

"Abbey," he said softly. "Abbey, honey, wake up." 

"Hmmmm…." Abbey's eyelashes started to flutter and she gazed up at him with drowsy green eyes looking for all intent and purpose the way that she did after he made love to her. Slumberous and sated. How many times had he sat in front of this very fireplace kissing her and touching her? He felt the heaviness again between his legs, felt himself begin to swell and harden. There were times when he hated the fact that his dick had a mind of its own. 

"What's wrong?" She licked her lips, torturing Jed even further and he shifted uncomfortably trying to make more room in his pants for his annoying, burgeoning penis. 

"You fell asleep." His voice was gruff with restrained desire. "Why don't you go on up to bed." 

"I will in a few minutes." She was obviously dismissing him as she closed her eyes and snuggled back under the old quilt. 

Jed got to his feet poured himself a scotch on the rocks, grabbed his barn coat and made his way out to the porch. His cigarettes were in the coat pocket. It was unfortunate but he had been smoking more than usual since Abbey had left, but he refused to allow himself more than three a day max. It was part of his pact with God. He would not become a pack a day smoker again if only He would let Abbey come home. He knew it was childish, knew God didn't work that way, knew he should be praying for strength and understanding rather than bargaining, but he just couldn't seem to help himself. Pacts gave him hope; they gave him a goal, an action, which was much better than sitting around waiting for God's will. Besides, Jed thought, HE had to know that the Josiah Bartlet HE had created was NOT a patient man. 

It was a cold night in northern New England, cold, dry and clear. Winter was obviously just around the corner. Jed lit a Marlboro light and inhaled deeply leaning forward against the rail, staring up into the jet black sky with its bright twinkling white stars. The wind rustled the dead leaves along the lawn and he could hear the horses and the cows down in the barns where they had been brought in for the night. It really was a beautiful serene evening. 

Half-asleep and knowing that if she didn't get up now she would end up spending the night curled in the chair, Abbey made her way to the kitchen to pour herself a glass of water before bed. While at the sink, she noticed Jed at the end of the porch and wondered what he was doing out there. She made her way outside her socks barely making a sound. 

"Jed?" 

Her voice startled him and Jed whipped around, his cigarette nearly hitting Abbey in the face. 

Abbey gave a sharp cry of distress and froze at the sight of the burning red ember, her breath catching in her chest. Standing before her was not her husband innocently smoking a cigarette. It was Hassan Al Khaleel his dark cruel eyes glittering with excitement as he took sexual pleasure from pressing the tip of his burning cigarette into the soft swells of her breasts. She could still feel the searing pain, hear his maniacal laughter, feel his weight between her thighs. 

"No…" she moaned, backing away, the color rapidly draining from her face and her arms tightly crossing over her breasts. "Oh, God, no." 

"Abbey?" Jed's eyes were wide. He was clearly horrified by her reaction. He followed her eyes to the cigarette that still sat between his fingers. Disgusted and appalled by how he had scared her, he dropped the offending cigarette on the floor and stomped on it to put it out. "It's gone, Abbey. It's gone." 

For Abbey, it was not gone. She felt lightheaded and didn't know why until she realized that she was not breathing. She tried to breathe, tried to inhale but she couldn't and that caused her to panic. Her heart began to race and she sank down the wall until her chin was resting on her knees, silent tears spilling down her cheeks as she fought to breathe normally and control the panic. 

"Abbey, baby, it's okay. It's just me…Jed…The cigarette's gone…I'd never hurt you with it… never…I'd never hurt you, baby…" 

"He…he…burned me….burned….my….breasts." 

"I know." Jed sank down beside her, pulling her into his arms. "I know, baby. Nobody will ever do anything like that to you again. You're safe here." 

Abbey was lost in the past, lost in the memories of what had happened to her. "He…he laughed…Hurting me….turned him on…I felt him…He got…off on it." 

Jed wanted to stop her. He didn't want to hear this, didn't want to hear how badly Hassan Al Khaleel had abused and violated her. A part of him desperately wanted her to keep him in the dark, for what he didn't know couldn't hurt him. But, that was selfish. Getting it all out would be cathartic for her. He'd just have to suck it up and be strong for her. Somehow, someway he had to make this okay for her. 

"God…I hate what he…did to me. What I…let him do to me." Abbey moved her hands up and down her arms, as if cleansing Khaleel's disgusting touch from her skin. 

Jed's heart constricted and he felt the tears stinging his eyes. "It's okay, Abbey. You did what you had to do to get Zoey and Aislinn out of that hellhole. You saved their lives and you kept our daughter from being raped, too." 

Caught up in the misery of her emotions Abbey almost missed his intimation. "Jed…What do you mean 'too'? I wasn't raped. I told the doctors… Didn't they tell you?" 

"Abbey…Don't." Jed brushed impatiently at the tear that had worked its way down his cheek. "Whatever happened in that trailer, whatever bartering you had to do with your body…" He swallowed tightly feeling suddenly nauseous as he remembered Toby telling him of her on her knees "…or with trading sexual favors to get our daughters to safety was RAPE. Don't you believe otherwise." 

Abbey stared at him in shock. He still truly believed that she'd had to go through with the offer she'd made to do whatever it took to keep the bastards off her girls. He truly believed that she'd had sex with Hassan Al Khaleel and he still loved her. He still believed in her. He knew that it was rape no matter how things had come about. 

"You're right… It would have been rape and it came very close…VERY close. I was sexually assaulted, Jed. But, I was not raped." 

Jed felt as if a ton of lead had been lifted off his chest at her last statement. One day he'd have to find out exactly how close things had come and how she had been assaulted, but tonight she was too shaken up to get into many details and he was not going to push her. It was enough to know that she hadn't had to go through the kind of horror that she had already once lived through. 

He held her close, feeling her shaking and still nearly gasping for air. 

Watching them from the doorway, Zoey couldn't breathe. At first her heart had warmed at the sight of her mother in her father's arms, but then as the moonlight spilled onto their faces and she saw the deep raw emotion and heard her mother's soft sharp intakes of breath she panicked. What was wrong with her? 

"Daddy?" 

Jed heard the fear in Zoey's quivering voice and turned to her. 

"What's wrong with Mom?" 

"She's okay," Jed reassured her. "She just had a bit of flashback. Does this happen often?" 

Zoey shook her head negatively. "At least, I don't think so. She has nightmares. Sometimes I hear her, but nothing like this." 

"I'm okay, Zo…But, in the drawer…by my bed…I have some pills…bring them…Please." 

"Abbey, what kind of pills?" Jed asked with a worried frown. 

Abbey was upset, embarrassed and ashamed. She hadn't wanted Jed to know about the pills. She wasn't ashamed of the pills per se; medication helped people. It was the weakness that taking them presented that bothered her. She didn't like that she wasn't able to get through this trauma with just strength and sheer grit as she usually did. But, the panic was just too strong and she desperately wanted the attack to stop and at that moment she didn't care who knew about the pills. 

"Just…something…to calm me down…to stop the panic…to get the weight…off my chest." 

"This isn't your first anxiety attack." It was not a question. 

Abbey shook her head. "They usually come…with the nightmares." 

Jed nodded, his throat closing again. Things were so much worse with her than he'd ever imagined. He continued to stroke her hair in a soothing manner and he found that while she was still shaking like a leaf, she was no longer gasping for air so terribly. 

Zoey returned with the bottle of pills and a glass of water. Jed took the bottle and read the prescription before shaking half of a pill out into his palm. 

"Xanax?" he questioned. "Isn't that a tranquilizer or something? Does this knock you out?" 

Abbey knew he was probably worried about her capability as a mother if she was zonked out on tranquilizers. 

"It could," she answered honestly, "depending on the dose. I only take half a pill; it's a very low dose. It just takes the edge off the panic and relaxes me to so I can get back to sleep. A NATURAL sleep. I still hear the kids when they wake up." 

"Are they…" Jed trailed off. He didn't want to be critical of her; she obviously needed help. 

"Addictive?" She popped the pill into her mouth and took a swallow from the water, feeling calmer just for taking it. "Yes…They can be. That's why…I only take one when I have an attack." She didn't tell him that she had taken one precautionary one the night before to try to ward off him witnessing a scene like he had just witnessed. 

Abbey sat on the porch for a few more minutes until the shaking in her legs had subsided enough that she thought she could now walk. 

"Well, I guess this is enough excitement for one night. I better go up to bed." 

Jed nodded and helped her up to her feet. "Is there anything else I can get you?" 

"No, I'll be fine. I just need to get some sleep." 

It felt strange for Jed to drop her off at their bedroom and not enter himself, to instead continue off down the hall to the guestroom. He wished he could walk into that room, throw away her pills and slide into bed next to her pulling her into his arms and holding her until she stopped shaking, calming her as the pills now did. 

As he slipped into a pair of pajama bottoms, he heard the clicking toenails of a dog on the hard wood floors of the hall. He opened his door a crack and saw that it was Max trailing Abbey. She was moving from Ellie's room to Zoey's and finally to the nursery, checking to make sure their children were secure and safe before she allowed herself the luxury of sleep. He had been just about to the same thing himself but he knew that it had to be different for Abbey. He had to wonder what kind of fear she lived with that drove her to check the children at least two to three times a night, what kind of nightmares she experienced that could drive her right into a full blown panic attack. 

Just last night he'd stayed in this very room thinking about how normal and right that it felt to home with his wife and his children. He had even fantasized about making love to Abbey, about taking her right on their bathroom floor. Tonight had proven just how far away from that fantasy that he was. He had now seen the difficulty his wife was having in dealing with her trauma, the nightmares, the flashbacks and the panic attacks and he realized that while things might feel normal they were not normal and he feared that they might not be normal for some time to come. 


	16. Finding Our Way Back Home

Jed was dreaming, tossing and turning. Abbey was slipping away from him. With a look of supreme sadness in her eyes, she glanced over her shoulder at him, then turned to disappear into the thick fog. Jed reached for her in both his dream and in reality, his fingers pulling, tugging and curling his blankets into his fists as the hands in his dreams grasped only the fog drenched air. He could see her disappearing deeper into the fog, see her bright hair fading. He called to her, over and over, his voice laced with heartbreak. Abbey…Abbey, don't leave me!….Abbey…. 

"Abbey!" He woke with a jerk, his brow drenched with sweat, his heart pounding in his chest. His eyes blinked rapidly as if clearing away the cobwebs. It took him a few moments to acclimate himself to being in the guestroom, not outside surrounded by the thick damp fog. While he struggled to get his bearings, he heard the whining wake up cry of a child and realized it was early morning at the farm. He slipped his bathrobe on and not bothering with slippers, he made his way into the hall to go to his children. Abbey had obviously heard them as well for she was a few steps ahead of him on her way to the nursery. 

"Abbey!" The urgency in his voice took Abbey by surprise and she turned to him taking in his pale, sweaty face and the dark circles under his eyes. 

"Is something wrong, Jed?" Her brow furrowed with worry. 

How could he tell her? I'm so afraid of losing you that I can't think straight. "Uh, no. I just wanted to tell you that I'll get the kids up and change them if you want to get their breakfast started." 

Abbey nodded. "Thank you, that would be a big help." She wondered when on earth they had gotten so stiff, so polite, and so uneasy with one another. 

"Okay." He watched her depart, his shoulders hunching with relief. He might not have woken up with Abbey at his side, but neither had she disappeared into the fog away from him forever. 

"Daddy!" Nicky clapped with delight as his father entered the nursery, and standing at the rails of her crib, Aislinn gave him a watery smile, her tears forgotten at the sight of him. 

"Just what I thought," Jed wiped a tear from Aislinn's lashes. "Crocodile tears. You just wanted Daddy to come and get you up." 

Aislinn nodded and lifted her arms to him. 

"Okay, time to change some diapers." 

"Pay 'Sun', Daddy, pay 'Sun'." 

Jed felt a sweeping wave of emotion as he played the kids' "wake up" CD. Never would he hear _Here Comes the Sun_ without thinking of those dark days caring for his son, while not knowing if his wife and daughters were alive or dead. 

Sitting down with Aislinn on his lap, Jed buried his face in her silky baby fine hair inhaling the sweetness that was his daughter – the powder, baby shampoo and milky scent of a child. Tears stung his eyes as he held her tightly to his chest wishing with all his heart that he could protect her from the world, that he could have protected her from the evil that had touched her innocent life. 

Aislinn squirmed in his arms; her daddy was holding her too tight. When she looked up at him, her eyes widened as she saw the tear on his cheek. She touched it with wonder then looked at her finger as if the liquid were an alien substance. Daddy didn't cry. Mommy cried sometimes, especially lately, but Daddy never cried. 

"Daddy, come ON. Want bweakfist." Nicholas tugged at his bathrobe. For the little boy, his father's tears were not such an alien sight. During the time that his mother and sisters had been missing, he had witnessed his father's tears on many occasions and no longer found anything remarkable about them. 

"Okay," Jed took a deep breath smiling down at Aislinn to show her that he was okay. "Let's go see what Mommy made us for breakfast." 

**** 

"Want b'nana pancakes." 

"I didn't make banana pancakes," Abbey said patiently. "You had them yesterday. I made you scrambled eggs this morning." 

"Want B'NANA PANCAKES!" Nicholas was getting more adamant. 

"Well, I'm sorry, sweets, but you're not getting them. I made scrambled eggs." 

"HATE scwambled eggs!" 

"No, you do not hate scrambled eggs. But if that isn't what you feel like eating this morning, you can have some oatmeal, cereal, yogurt or toast and you can have a banana with that." 

"Want B'NANA PANCAKES!" Nicky slammed his fist on the high chair tray. "Eggs is YUCKY!" 

"I told you what else you could have." Abbey filled two sippie cups with milk handing one to her daughter and then one to her angry son, completely nonplussed by the toddler food tantrum. 

"NO MILK!" Nicholas threw the sippie cup to the floor and before Abbey could react, Jed was on his feet. 

"That is QUITE enough, young man. You do NOT throw your cup on the floor." 

The stern tone of his father's voice and the way he forcefully put the cup back on his tray was enough to stop Nicholas in mid-tantrum. 

"Your mother made you banana pancakes for breakfast yesterday and today you're going to eat what she tells you you're going to eat." 

Abbey flashed her husband a look of thanks. She'd almost forgotten how nice it was to have back up and not be the only one dealing with their stubborn kids. 

"Eggs is yucky." Nicky's lip quivered and tears wet his lashes as he came to the realization that shouting and throwing things wasn't going to get him his banana pancakes. 

"Well, if you don't want the eggs your mother offered, you can have oatmeal, cereal, yogurt or toast. Take your pick." 

Blue eyes met identical blue in a stubborn battle of wills, neither blinking. It was Nicholas who finally acquiesced. "I eats oatmeal…I has 'nana, too?" 

"Yes," Abbey smiled. "You can have a banana with your maple oatmeal." 

"Okay. I LIKES oatmeal, Mumma." He flashed her a sweet Nicky smile and Abbey shook her head. Exasperating, just like his dad. 

With the breakfast crisis averted, Jed turned his attention to the day ahead. "Abbey, I've been thinking. I'll watch the kids this morning. I can take them out and rake up some of the leaves in the back and they can play outside. That way you can relax and take some time for yourself." 

Abbey nearly held her breath. She had wondered if he would allude to her panic attack the night before. She still couldn't believe that she'd broken down that way in front him, something that probably only firmed his resolve that she needed professional help. She waited for him to continue, to tell her he was going to take the kids so she could get her act together; but when she gazed up at him, there were no recriminations in his eyes only sweet, true-blue compassion. 

She thought about the night before. How he'd held her trembling form in his arms, no "I told you so's", no demands for her to get treatment. He'd simply held her in his arms comforting her in the only way he knew how. No matter how many times she had pushed him away, he had proven last night that he would never allow her to push him away completely, that he would always be there for her when she needed him. 

"That would nice, Jed." She sipped her orange juice. "I can't remember the last time I was able to kick back in a nice hot bubble bath with good book." 

**** 

Abbey finished her bubble bath still feeling a little edgy, the remnants of last night's attack and Jed's presence in the house still tingling along her nerve endings. She decided that a good long ride would ease the feeling and dressed quickly in her riding attire. At the sound of laughter coming from the yard, she moved to the window, a soft smile curving her lips. Jed was crouched over Aislinn patiently showing her how to rake up leaves into the big pile that he had made while he stopped every now and then to throw tennis balls to Max and Panda who were clearly in their glory. Nicholas stood at the edge of the pile picking up the leaves and dropping them in the bag filled barrel Jed had brought out. 

She ran her hand lightly over her chest, her smile growing wistful. Jed didn't have to clean the yard. Mike, their farm manager, had people hired on to do that, but she knew that while he didn't enjoy any exercise that didn't involve a competitive sport like basketball or tennis, he did enjoy working around the farm when given a chance. She'd often found him chopping wood, tossing bales of hay, watering the horses or even milking a cow or two by hand when they had machines to do that now. The farm was a part of him, a part of who he was and where he came from and it was a tie that he had never wanted to break. But, today there were more to his actions than playing "gentleman farmer" or wanting to keep his hand in the farm upkeep. Tonight, he was returning to Washington and Abbey knew he wanted to spend as much time with his children as he could before he had to leave. 

He was leaving for Washington. If Abbey were truly honest with herself, THAT was the reason she was most on edge. She was waiting, waiting for him to ask her to return. She was ready. She didn't have all her answers yet, but if she returned to Washington with him, she would get them. Only, now the answers suddenly didn't seem to matter quite so much. They were no longer a condition for her return. 

Being here without Jed for three months had taught her a lot about herself, her husband, and their relationship. She loved Jed. It was as simple and as complicated as that. No matter what he did or why he did it, she loved him and she needed him. He was her best friend, her lover, her confidante, the father of her children; he was the other half of her soul and staying away from him was slowly killing all that she was. Somehow, she would have to find a way to come to terms with whatever the answers to her questions were whether she liked them or not. For acceptable answers were no longer a condition for her return home. 

Home. Just three months ago, when she'd made the decision to come here, she had told Jed that she was returning "home". But, while she loved this old farmhouse, loved the life that she and Jed had built here, it was not really home. Home was wherever Jed was; it was in his presence, in his arms, in his heart. She was going to have to accept the reasons he did what he did and come to an understanding because she could no longer live apart from him, from his love. This beautiful, terrible, love that they shared; it was her greatest strength and her greatest weakness. She reached her fingertips out to touch the glass as she watched Jed scoop each child under his arm and jump into the huge pile of leaves, their laughter filling the morning air. 

"Ask me to come home, Jed," she whispered softly. "Please ask me to come home." 

**** 

Jed looked up from where he sat in the middle of the pile of leaves to see Abbey coming down the porch stairs. She wore those skintight fawn jodhpurs he loved so much, riding boots, and a navy blue Georgetown pullover. 

"Going riding?" he asked. It was incredibly difficult for him not to give her the "once over" considering what wearing those riding pants always did for his libido. 

"Yeah, I won't be too long." 

"Take your time. I've got things under control." 

"I see that." She grinned and removed a leaf from the top of his head. The chemistry was still there between them in every touch – that jolt of awareness that had proclaimed them mates from the very beginnings of their courtship and that had only grown stronger over the years. 

Jed watched the feminine swing of her hips as Abbey strode away toward the barn. God, how that woman could turn him inside out. He felt a tug on his pant leg and looked down at Aislinn her tiny face framed by her hat. 

"Mommy ride her horse?" she signed. 

Jed nodded. 

"Want pony." 

"You want a pony?" Jed was surprised. She seemed awfully young to be bugging him about a pony, but then he remembered that both Ellie and Zoey were around three when they got them their first ponies – one as a birthday present, one for Christmas – and the twins would be three in just a few months. 

"I love ponies." She crossed her arms over her heart gave him a pleading, hopeful look – the kind of look that had been making his heart melt from the day he'd become a father. 

"Well, we'll see." he said, gruffly. "Christmas and your birthday are coming up." 

Aislinn danced with glee tossing leaves into the air with jubilation. When Mommy said "We'll see", sometimes they got what they wanted and sometimes they didn't. When Daddy said "we'll see", they always got what they wanted. 

**** 

Jed left the children playing in the leaves, and, keeping one eye on them, he turned his attention to the pile of wood that needed splitting. With his mind a jumble of confusion and frustration, he picked up the ax and lifted it high over his head. The first thunk against the wood-splitter brought a satisfied masculine feeling to him as the wood easily split in two, and before long, the pile of wood was bearing the brunt of all his impotent rage and anger. 

I want my wife back! Slam. The ax hit the wood. 

I want my daughter to speak! Slam. 

I want to see Abbey sitting at the kitchen table and know it's okay to touch her! Slam. 

I want my family whole again! Slam. 

I want Abbey to let me into her life again. I want to hold her, help her and comfort her! Slam. 

I want to hear my children laughing through the halls of the White House and pick up their toys in the Oval Office! Slam. 

I want to make love to Abbey again and pretend that all of this never happened to us! Slam. 

I want to take back the moment when Abbey and Aislinn left the White House! Slam. 

I want…I want…Jed paused for a moment leaning breathlessly on the ax handle, tears stinging his eyes. I want to be able to close my eyes and not see what Hassan Al Khaleel did to my daughters and to my wife… 

Khaleel…Jed lifted the ax once again. Just the name caused him to see red. He saw the terrorist's face on each stick of wood that he sent his ax into. He wanted him DEAD…DEAD…DEAD! The word became a mantra as he split piece after piece of wood. It didn't matter that the man was already dead, that he had watched him die, for there was no death for the anger and rage and impotence that he felt over what that sadistic monster had done to his family, and not just the members that he had kidnapped. Damage had been done to every member of the Bartlets and O'Neills, whether that damage was a fairly minute fear or the all-encompassing panic attack that had brought his wife to her knees. 

With one pile done, he leaned against the shed to take a breath. Sweat ran down his forehead, soaked his armpits and stuck his shirt to his chest. He closed his eyes, remembering the look of horror on Abbey's face when she'd seen that cigarette near her face, that awful whimpering, mewling, wounded animal sound that had come from somewhere deep in the recesses of her soul as she backed away from him, sinking to the floor in a breathless, quivering mass of fear. A panic attack, she'd called it. He'd heard of them, but had never seen one before. He hoped never to see one again. The fact that Abbey had been going through these attacks on her own pained him as much, if not more than the idea that she was having them. No one should go through something like that alone, especially not someone that he loved with all his heart. 

That she was alone was mostly his fault. He knew that. He knew that he'd hurt her, hurt her badly. When the news about Abdul Shareef had come out, she had wanted to talk to him, had asked him for explanations, but he'd frozen. He hadn't been able to explain himself, not then, not to the bruised, beaten woman who stood before him, the woman who had been a victim, a pawn in a horrible vendetta against him, a vendetta he'd brought down on her head. 

He should have talked to her then. He should have done his best to explain himself and dealt with her anger and disappointment then and there, but he'd been weak. He'd known that no explanation would be good enough for what she and the children had been through and so he hadn't even tried. He should have tried; at least then he would have faced her anger and not the horrible cold indifference of the past three months. Abbey's anger he could deal with; it was the cold shoulder that he didn't know how to combat and never had. 

If he had explained himself in the beginning, she might not have shut him out of her life so completely, and he would have been able to be there for her when Khaleel attacked her in her dreams and she woke up unable to breath, unable to stop shaking and unable to control the panic. The very thought that she'd had to resort to anti-anxiety medication to make it through the night filled him with remorse. For Abbey, his strong, self reliant, confident wife, to cave in and admit that she needed help to calm herself meant the attacks had to be absolutely terrifying for her and yet she'd dealt with that all alone. 

How ironic it was that now when he was ready to talk and give Abbey the explanations that she so craved, he wasn't so sure that she even wanted to listen. He'd tried to broach the subject of the kidnapping a few times and that had just brought on a deep freeze that was as stinging as fiery words. He supposed that it was only fair. He'd hurt her and now she wanted to hurt him. But, the time for hurting each other was over, it had to be, for now that was spilling over on to their children and that was something that he could not allow. He was a father; it was time he started to act like one. 

**** 

"Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!" Nicholas raced breathlessly into the kitchen where Abbey was pulling a screaming teakettle off the burner. 

"Calm down, sweetheart." She crouched down taking in the urgent look on her son's face. "Tell me what's wrong." 

"Daddy… Daddy gots a boo-boo. He's beeeeeding." 

Abbey felt the blood drain from her face and her stomach twisted into a painful knot. When she'd come back from her ride a little while ago Jed had been chopping wood – with an ax. 

With horrific visions of missing limbs and gaping wounds, she got shakily to her feet, but before she could race from the kitchen, Jed entered the room with a crying Aislinn on his hip. 

"What happened?" Abbey asked, her relief coming out in the sharp tone of her question. "Where did you hurt yourself?" 

"It's not a big deal, Abbey. I got a blister cutting wood and it broke open." Jed held his hand out to her. Abbey winced as she took in the raw palm of his hand, now oozing with watery blood. Aislinn scrunched her eyes shut and buried her face against Jed's neck so she wouldn't have to see the wound. 

"It's all right, Sunshine," Jed crooned soothingly against her hair. "I told you it's okay. It's just a little boo-boo. Mommy will put a Band-Aid on it and it will be all better." 

Abbey nodded her assurance to the upset little girl. "I've seen lots of worse boo-boos than that, Ash. Daddy will be fine." 

Abbey left briefly to get some peroxide, antiseptic ointment and some gauze. By the time that she returned, Nicholas had climbed up on the chair next to Jed and was perusing his father's wound with keen interest. With the fear and worry over his injury gone, Abbey was taken by the sight of father and son and by her husband's pure masculinity. Jed's jeans were filthy, stains of sweat darkened his shirt, his sweaty forearms had bits of wood and leaves stuck to them, his face was smeared with dirt, and his hair was a windblown mess. He was, in short, damn near irresistible. And, to top it off, there was nothing more attractive, more heart stopping than watching the incredibly sexy man that you loved tenderly and affectionately explaining things to a child… your child. Rugged masculinity laced with a heavy dose of tenderness was not an easy thing to resist. 

Abbey didn't want to feel that pull of attraction; she wanted to keep that wall up around her heart until SHE was ready to take it down. Exasperation with herself was evident in her tone when she finally spoke. "Why in the hell did you cut wood for so long?" She took his hand and laid it on a towel so she could clean it. "We have people to do that, for heaven's sake." 

"It's cathartic." 

"Well, you overdid it this time." 

"It's a blister, Abbey, I'd hardly call that 'overdoing' it." Jed's tone held his own hint of exasperation but inside a secret warmth filled him. It was pretty evident that Abbey still cared very deeply about what happened to him and that was just one more baby-step in the right direction as far as he was concerned. 

"Well, you should have stopped when you felt the blister develop." Abbey reached for the box of gauze but Nicholas snatched it away. He was still kneeling on the chair watching his mother work on his father with complete absorption. 

"No, Mumma. I help." He dug into the box pulling out a handful of sealed gauze pads, dropping most of them on the floor. Unconcerned by the mess, he beamed a smile of accomplishment at Abbey as he handed one to her. Abbey wisely refrained from commenting on the dropped items and accepted the gauze pad from her son with thanks. 

"Look at you," Jed ruffled Nicky's hair with his good hand. "You take after your mom, kiddo. Who knows, you could end up being a doctor just like her." 

"Me be gogtor?" 

"You could be," Abbey smiled. She hadn't thought much about her son following in her footsteps the way that Ellie had. Even at such a young age, he was such a little replica of Jed, she had always pictured him following his father's footsteps. 

"No like gogtor. Gogtor give shots." He scowled and rubbed his arm where he'd just gotten a shot a week ago at the pediatrician's office. 

"Well, you can be whatever you want to be, darlin'." Abbey laughed and kissed his forehead. "Okay, now that Daddy is all better, who wants hot cocoa and rice pudding?" 

"Wiff waisins?" Nicholas asked. 

"Yup, with lots of plump juicy raisins." 

"Me, me, me!" He began dancing around Abbey's legs. Aislinn signed that she wanted some pudding, too, but she was too content cuddling on her father's lap to dance around like a maniac the way that her brother was. Seeing either of her parents injured was just too emotionally devastating to the traumatized girl for her to move on so quickly. Instead, she wrapped herself in her father's warmth, needing the security of knowing that he was all right, that Mommy had made him all right. Mommy could do anything; Aislinn had come to believe. She could make a boo-boo feel better; she could read you stories and make you a bottle and cook your supper and wash your hair. The only thing that Mommy couldn't do was to stop the bad men and when she had tried, they had hurt her and made her cry. Aislinn was terrified that one day the bad men would find them again and this time she might lose her mommy or her daddy for good. 

**** 

Jed polished off his bowl of warm, creamy rice pudding in record time, then taking a deep breath he turned to Abbey. It was now or never. He was leaving tonight. 

"Abbey, can we go in the living room. There's something we need to talk about." 


	17. Finding Our Way Back Home

Abbey followed Jed into the living room, bracing herself for what he had to say, knowing that it had all come down to this moment. Jed was going to ask her to come back with him to the White House and she was going to get her chance for explanations. 

"Um…Abbey…" This wasn't going to be easy, taking Abbey on never was, but showing hesitancy or weakness was not the way to go. "These past few months I think I've been pretty patient while you've been up here with the kids." 

"I didn't give you much choice, did I?" she asked, wryly. 

"I suppose not. But, you know this just isn't working anymore." 

"What exactly are you suggesting?" 

"I'm suggesting that this has gone on long enough. I'm tired of being kept away from my children. I miss them and they miss me. I want to bring them back with me to Washington." 

Abbey's eyes widened, her breath catching in her throat. If he'd slapped her across the face, he couldn't have hurt her more. She blinked back the sting of tears. He didn't want HER? 

"You want to take them back with you…TONIGHT?" She was incredulous. 

"Yes. I'm their father, Abbey. I don't want them to think that I've deserted them. I want to spend time with them." 

"You can spend all the time you want with them…HERE." 

"No, Abbey, I can't. I can't just fly up here anytime Nicholas is sick or Aislinn is scared." 

"You aren't taking them back to Washington." 

"Abbey, be reasonable." 

"REASONABLE! You think it's REASONABLE to bring two toddlers back to Washington where you work FOURTEEN HOURS a day sometimes. How much time do you think you're going to spend with them?" 

"They have a nanny, Abigail. We have the tree lighting ceremony coming up and the Christmas concert…." 

"So, you expect them to spend all day with the nanny while you pull them out for Christmas photo-ops." 

"Dammit, Abbey, this isn't POLITICAL! They NEED me." 

"And they don't need me?" she snapped. 

"I didn't say that. Of course they need you. You're their mother. I'm not trying to take them away from you." He'd hoped that she would see that the only way this would work would be for her to accompany them. 

"Well, that's certainly the way that it sounds to me." 

"I just think that if I take them with me, it will also give you a chance to start getting some help for yourself. You've been so busy helping the kids and making sure they were coming to terms with things that you haven't dealt with your own problems." 

"So, THAT'S what this is all about?" Abbey was horrified. "This is about last night, isn't it? You don't think I'm FIT to take care of our children." 

"Abbey, NO…For God's sake, that isn't why I want to bring them back with me. This has nothing to do with your panic attack. But, yes, I do want you to get help. You NEED help, baby." 

"Don't tell me what I need," she hissed. "You aren't here enough to tell me what I need." 

"And whose fault is that? You told me to stay away." 

"Well, you certainly didn't fight me very hard on that, did you?" Abbey was very close to tears. How could he be fighting so hard for their kids and not for her. Was life that much easier without her there? 

"Abbey," Jed inhaled deeply trying to keep his temper under control. "I don't want to fight with you. I just want to spend more time with my kids. Even divorced fathers get visitation rights." 

That word stopped Abbey right in her tracks and fear snaked its way into her heart. Neither she nor Jed took the "d" word lightly. They were not the kind of people who threatened divorce when they were angry and fighting; in fact, she'd never heard it used in relation to the two of them in all the years that they'd been married. But, now she had to wonder if that was what he wanted. Was he thinking of making this separation permanent? Was he not going to fight for them to come back together as a family? 

"You, you, YOU. All I'm hearing is what YOU want. Is everything about YOU?" Her fear made her voice sharp and it cut him to the quick. 

"No, Abbey," he said, sadly. "Up until now, everything has been about what YOU want." 

Abbey ignored the dig; she was more concerned about him trying to take her children away. "You don't have the time to spend with the kids that most DIVORCED fathers do. Is that fair to them?" 

Jed stared straight-ahead focusing on her angry eyes. "When is my penance going to be over?" 

"What?" That caught her off guard. "I don't know what you're talking about." 

"Don't you? Isn't this my punishment? My penance for Abdul Shareef." 

"Don't you SPEAK his name in this house." 

"Why not? He's what this is all about. I'm doing penance for what I did to him, but you know what? It's not enough. It will NEVER be enough. You could keep me in exile for the rest of my life and that STILL wouldn't be punishment enough for what happened to you all." 

"Jed–" 

"No." He shook her hand off. "I need to say this. I need you to know. I miss my family so much sometimes that I can't BREATHE. I'm SORRY. I'm so SORRY for what happened to you all. I'd give anything to go back in time and keep you all safe. It kills me to think of what you went through. It kills me that flashbacks to that time can cause a panic so severe that you need medication to calm down. It kills me that I have to speak sign language to my daughter. I pray EVERY night that I'll hear that sweet little voice telling me again that she loves me. Do you know what it does to me to think that she may be traumatized for LIFE? That we may NEVER get our little girl back the way that she was before?" 

Overwhelmed by emotion, his chest heaving and eyes filling, Jed turned from his wife and stormed from the room, never noticing the wide-eyed little girl standing in the opposite doorway. He made his way nearly blindly out onto the porch and sat heavily on the first step, burying his face in his hands. How had he made such a mess of things? He'd never meant for Abbey to think that he was trying to take the children away from her. He'd never meant for her to think that because of her panic attacks she was unfit to care for them. He'd never meant to hurt her or make her angry. All he wanted was to have some semblance of a family again. Suddenly overwhelmed by the futility of it all, Jed felt a harsh sob build within his chest. He tried to hold it in but was unsuccessful. As the tears he hadn't allowed himself to cry began to work their way down his cheeks, he felt a soft hand on his shoulder. Startled, he tried to stifle his emotions and turned his tear stained face to see Aislinn staring at him, all big blinking blue-green eyes. 

"Daddy…Pwease don't cwy. I wuv you." She wrapped her pudgy little arms around Jed's neck. 

For one long moment he didn't move. He was in shock, unable to believe what he'd just heard. His daughter's first words in three months, spoken as clearly as if she were talking every day, had completely knocked the wind out of him, but it didn't take him long to recover and he wrapped his arms around her. 

"Oh, God– Oh, Ash–" He held her tightly to his chest, the tears that were spilling down his cheeks now evidence of his joy not his sorrow. "Oh, baby– my beautiful baby girl, do you know how happy it makes me to hear you say that?" He pressed his lips into her silky hair, his eyes closed reverently giving his thanks to God. When he opened them again, he saw Abbey standing in the doorway. She looked, quite simply, shattered. Her hand covered her mouth and the same tears of joy were spilling down her cheeks. She moved on shaky legs toward them and fell to her knees beside them wrapping her arms around Jed's neck so that Aislinn was sandwiched between them enveloped in her parents' love. 

"Oh– baby– Mommy's missed hearing your pretty voice so MUCH…" Three months of therapy and fear that Aislinn might never speak again came out in Abbey's soft sobs and the kisses she pressed into the back of her daughter's head. 

Aislinn squirmed and turned to look at her mother. 

"I be quiet," she told her. 

"No, sweetheart. You don't have to be quiet anymore." 

Aislinn nodded solemnly. 

"Why do you think you need to be quiet, Sunshine?" Jed traced a finger over her baby soft brow. 

Aislinn looked furtively around, as if something horrific might happen if she spoke. "I be quiet so bad men don't fine me." 

"Oh, Aislinn, sweetness, the bad men are gone," Abbey assured her. "They CAN'T find you." 

"Bad men mean. Hurt me." She held her now castless arm to her chest. 

"I know they hurt you, sweetheart," Abbey's voice broke and Jed reached out to take her hand. 

"Bad men hurt Mumma." She touched Abbey's cheek where she had seen Khaleel slap her. 

Abbey froze. How many times had she said that to Aislinn while they were in captivity? How many times had Zoey said it when they were running away through the woods – 'Aislinn, you have to be quiet so the bad men don't find you'. 

"Abbey?" Jed touched her arm. 

Abbey shook him off. "No...No…It's my fault…I told her, Jed. I told her not to talk or the bad men would find her…Oh, my God. All this time…all this time…it was my fault." 

"Abbey, don't," Jed said sharply. "You told her that to keep her ALIVE. It was all about survival…She DID have to be quiet. This isn't your fault." 

"Mumma, you cwy?" Aislinn turned her attention to her mother running her hands over Abbey's wet cheeks. 

"I'm okay, buttercup," Abbey wiped at her eyes. "I'm just so happy that you're speaking again. You don't have to be afraid of the bad men finding you. You can talk and you can yell. The bad men are gone, Ash. They're GONE, and they're never coming back." 

"Neber?" Aislinn sounded wary of believing that. 

"NEVER." Jed was even more emphatic. 

"Azlin…I WAITING." Nicholas stomped out onto the porch with a box of raisins, then stopped in his tracks when he saw his parents and Aislinn. "Why everybody cwying?" His face grew puzzled and he looked like he was about to add his own tears to all of theirs. 

"It's okay, Nicky. We're just happy because Aislinn decided to start speaking to us again." Jed told him. 

"Oh." Nicholas didn't seem impressed. He hadn't been fazed when Aislinn had stopped speaking so the fact that she had started again wasn't that big of a deal either. He simply accepted his twin sister exactly the way that she was. 

**** 

Abbey sat in the rocking chair in front of the TV with Aislinn snuggled up on her lap while she rocked her gently. The baby girl's head was nestled against her breasts and she was clinging tightly to her blankie and sucking her thumb. They were watching _The Little Mermaid_ , or at least Aislinn was. Abbey was staring absently into space, her thoughts a whirling mixture of guilt and sorrow. Tears clogged in a lump in her throat as she stroked her daughter's silky gilt hair. All this time, all this time, Aislinn had refused to speak or cry aloud because she was afraid that her voice had the power to lead the bad men to where they were, that if she spoke they would hear her and come back for them. It killed Abbey to think of what kind of suffering that her daughter had gone through and been unable to share. It killed her to think of what kind of terror that lived in her child's mind and in her nightmares. No wonder she refused to sleep in the dark, the poor thing. Abbey wanted to wrap her up in her arms and never let her go. 

**** 

"You know, that's why Mom doesn't let you pack." 

Startled, Jed turned to see his daughter grinning with a hand on her hip. Sheepishly, he realized she had been watching him just throw his clothes into his suitcase without all the neat folding that Abbey did. 

"Well, I gotta fend for myself now." 

Zoey's smile faded catching the sad meaning behind his words. "I'm sorry, Dad." 

"What are you sorry about?" 

"About bringing Jean Paul into our lives. About the kidnapping and what it's done to you and Mom." 

"Honey, none of that was your fault. If it hadn't been Jean Paul, it would have been somebody else. And as for your mother and me, that's our own mess and it has nothing to do with you. I screwed up." 

"Daddy, you had to do what you did to Abdul Shareef. You took a vow to protect and defend this country and that's what you were doing." 

A tender, paternal smile crossed Jed's face as he reached a finger out to trace his daughter's cheek. "When did you grow up into this mature, smart, young woman? Just yesterday you were in pigtails." 

"It wasn't quite yesterday," Zoey laughed. 

"With everything being so crazy on Thanksgiving, I never got the chance to tell you how proud I was of you in your interview." 

"You told me on the phone." 

"It's not the same. You were so grown up, so poised and I was so proud to call you my daughter." 

Tears filled Zoey's eyes. Nothing meant more to her than her father's pride. 

"But, there is one thing that bothers me." 

"What?" Zoey ran her fingers over her eyes. 

"Before you left, Charlie said something that has really been bugging me. He said that you try to hide your fear and insecurities from me, and that you think that I want you strong and brave so that's the only side you want me to see. 

Zoey looked down at the floor. What Charlie said was not untrue. Her father was so proud of her when she was brave and fearless and she CRAVED her father's love and approval. 

"Honey, what did I ever do to make you think that you had to be strong all the time?" 

"It wasn't anything you did. It was me. I loved being your brave, fearless daughter and I loved the pride you took in that." 

"Well, that's all well and good, but I want you to know that you don't have to be strong all the time. You can tell me when you're scared. You can lean on me, honey. That's what dads are for." 

"I know, Daddy." Zoey wrapped her arms around her father's middle, tucking her head under his chin. Never did she feel as safe as when she was in her parents' arms. 

"I love you, Zoey." Jed tipped her chin to look into her pretty, green eyes. "Strong, weak, brave or scared, I love YOU." 

Zoey nodded tears filling her eyes again and she buried her face into her father's chest. 

**** 

Abbey was able to control her fragile emotions until Jed helped her bathe and tuck the kids in for the night and she got a glimpse into the emotional turmoil that her children were going through being separated from their father. 

"Daddy, why you has to go?" Nicholas snuggled up in his crib with his stuffed Tigger and looked up at his father with plaintive blue eyes. 

"You know I'm the President and the President has to be in Washington." 

"No like Pwesdent," Aislinn wrinkled her nose. "Want Daddy 'tay here." 

"Well, Daddy would rather stay here with you for a few more days, but I can't. But I can promise you that I won't stay away so long this time." His resolute eyes met Abbey's over their son's crib and she nodded her acquiescence. 

"Mumma, we go wif Daddy?" 

Abbey squeezed the crib rail until her knuckles went white as she fought to keep her emotions under control. 

"Not this time, Nicholas." 

"Mumma, you like Daddy?" Aislinn needed to know after witnessing her parents' earlier fight that had led to finding her father crying on the porch. 

Abbey was shocked by the question and Jed's eyes lay heavy on her waiting for her response. He, too, needed to know how she felt. "Of course I like your Daddy." Abbey brushed the question off. "Now it's time for you both to go to sleep." 

"'Tay." Aislinn's tiny plea tore at both her parents' hearts. 

Jed could see the emotions playing over Abbey's face and how hard she was fighting to control them. 

"I'll stay with them until they fall asleep." After Aislinn's breakthrough, he had pushed back Air Force One's take off until later in the night. 

Abbey nodded and quickly departed from the room, needing to get out before she cried. The day had been absolutely devastating for her. She felt like a punching bag, emotionally and physically exhausted, and she couldn't help but think about what the kids had said tonight. About how much they wanted Jed to stay or to be able to go with him. He was their father – they adored him – and he was such a HUGE part of their lives, but she had taken that away from them and was continuing to do so. She realized with a gut wrenching pang that she had been doing just the thing that she had DESPISED in so many others. Conscious or unconscious, she had been using her children as a weapon against her husband. She had denied his request for his children, not just because she knew that he couldn't spend much time with them, but because she was hurt that he wanted them and not her. What kind of a person was she becoming? She never would have believed that she could have been driven to do something like that. She made her way wearily to the bathroom and took a quick shower, as crying in the shower had always been cathartic for her. 

She was sitting at her vanity table, turning her head to examine the growth of the hair that had been so viciously slashed off her head when Jed entered the room. 

"I'm sorry they cut your hair off." His was the voice of compassion. 

"I'm not. You love my hair long. Serves you right." 

Jed froze at her icy tone. He'd thought they had progressed from the cold shoulder. He turned to leave the room without another word, but Abbey's shoulders hunched over and her tone softened. 

"The kids can go to Washington with you." Her words were nearly a whisper. 

"What? We just got them to sleep." 

"Not tonight. I meant what I said about you not having the time for them. I'll have Izzy bring them for a long weekend for the tree lighting and the Christmas concert. You're right. They do need you. It wasn't fair of me to keep them from you. They're your children, too. I think I lost sight of that." 

Jed stared at her back long and hard, waiting for her to turn and look at him, but she never did. If she had, she would have seen the stark pain in his blue eyes. He wanted the children, yes, but he wanted Abbey with them. The fact that she was going to send them alone with Izzy sent a sharp stab of fear straight into his heart; for if she was giving him visitation weekends then she might very well be planning on some type of a more permanent separation. 

"Okay," the word was nearly choked out. "Thank you, Abbey." 

Abbey nodded, never turning and when she heard the door shut at his departure, she dropped her head onto her crossed arms and wept. 

> _You've left me now_  
>  and it's seasoned my soul.   
> And with every step you take,   
> I watch another part of you go... 
> 
> I continue to build a wall...   
> You were so strong,   
> I fell to my knees...   
> And I don't think I can handle this at all... 
> 
> Well, one more night   
> I'd like to lie and hold you   
> Yes and feel...   
> To make you smile,   
> I'd like to be there for you–   
> Have you forgotten me?   
>    ( _If You Ever Did Believe_ by Stevie Nicks)


	18. Finding Our Way Back Home

"What happened?" Leo asked as he watched Jed depart from the study after a session with Stanley. "I thought you were going to bring the kids back with you." 

"That was my original plan." Jed began digging in his briefcase pulling out the crayon-scribbled artwork Aislinn and Nicky had drawn for him so he could put them up on the walls of his office. 

"What happened?" 

Jed turned to face his friend, the lines on his face more pronounced from fatigue and sorrow. "I couldn't do that to her, Leo. I couldn't hurt her that way. You should have seen her face when I asked to bring them back with me." 

"You have every right, Jed. They're your children, too." 

"This isn't about 'rights', Leo. Not yet anyway. This is about my wife hanging by an emotional thread. Those kids are all she's got right now and focusing on them is helping her keep herself together." 

"When did you become so psychologically in tune?" 

"It doesn't take a psychologist to know my wife. I hurt her deeply when I asked for those kids. I know it's well within my 'rights' and she is going to let them come for a long weekend, but she needs those kids right now as much as they need her." 

"And, you just got out of a session with Stanley." 

"Well, that, too. She's having flashbacks, Leo. Horrible flashbacks to the kidnapping and what happened to her." 

"I know." Leo sighed. He'd never forget the look on Abbey's face when he'd startled her by touching her shoulder. 

"How do you know?" 

"She had one with me before she left the White House. I startled her and she just completely went away to another place, a place that filled her with terror. She was looking at me but she wasn't seeing me. It was scary." 

"It sure as hell is. I've never seen anything like that. Her nightmares are terrifying enough. I mean finding her curled in the fetal position on the floor in the dark corner with her arms wrapped around her legs mewling and crying like some kind of wounded animal scared the hell out of me. But, this attack was almost as bad, and this time she was awake. I mean I was looking her right in the eyes but there was no recognition. She wasn't seeing me at all. The flashback itself sent her into some kind of a panic attack, something that I guess has been happening while I've been away, because she's been put on some kind of anti-anxiety medication to calm her." 

"That's not good, Jed. I hope she's being careful. Do you know what she's on? Some of those pills can be addicting." 

"She knows that. She assured me she only takes them when she has a particularly bad attack. Stanley seems to think that she's suffering from some symptoms of post-traumatic stress syndrome. He thinks that's one of the reasons that she's pushing me away. I guess one of those symptoms is pushing away the people that are closest to them. They don't want to admit that they have a problem, that they aren't the same person they were before the attack or incident and they know the people closest to them will be able to see through that. That's Abbey. She's convinced herself that she is fine and that she doesn't need any help." 

"I'm sorry you had such a rough visit and I hate to add to your burden, but I have some more bad news. Haffley is reneging on the one percent. He wants three." 

"But, that was a done deal." 

"Not anymore it isn't." 

"We'll see about that." Jed was angry, frustrated and spoiling for fight. Guilt prevented him from fighting with the person he should be fighting with so Jeff Haffley was going to bear the brunt of his anger. 

**** 

"I'm glad you finally decided to talk to me, Abbey." Grace Tyler sat opposite of the First Lady in her comfortable library, having just finished a session with the still wary, but now talking, Aislinn. "What made you finally see that you needed help?" 

"Well…Uh…" Nervously, Abbey tucked her hair behind her ears. "Jed's been telling me from the very beginning that I need help." 

"But, you didn't think you needed any, even though you knew your kids needed help?" 

"I'm an adult. They're kids. I should have been able to deal with everything. But…uh…I'm not, at least not well. The look on Zoey's face when she saw me having that panic attack made me realize that. God, Grace, she was so scared. I scared her. I don't want any of my kids to see me like that again." 

"Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. Not all adults can deal with the traumatic events that occur in their life." 

"But, I've been through this before. I've gotten counseling. I know all the steps to the programs, all the techniques to help myself." 

"This was entirely different, Abbey. When you were raped, it was to you, a random act of horrific violence against your body that lasted maybe fifteen horrible minutes. Yes, the psychological ramifications are probably with you still to this day, but the act itself was over rather quickly. This time it was more than that. This time you were part of a planned vendetta. This time your children were involved as well as your psyche, your emotions, and your body, and this time the torture went on for days. You were physically and emotionally tortured for DAYS. You weren't just trying to survive an attack against yourself; you were trying frantically to keep your children from being killed. For a mother there is NOTHING worse than the impending death of a child, and the fact that you were so helpless to stop it from happening is emotionally devastating. There's nothing shameful in admitting that you need help dealing with that." 

Abbey nodded, tears welling in her eyes. "I thought they were going to kill her. When they took Aislinn from me and broke her tiny little arm...I thought they were going to kill her to pay me back for not obeying them." 

"And so…" Grace led her along. 

"And so I chose to obey them." Abbey wiped at her eyes. "I chose to do whatever it took to keep my children from being hurt." 

"And that brings us to the heart of another matter. I know you keep telling me that you weren't raped, and you're right, technically, because your body was not penetrated, you were not. But, Abbey, you WERE sexually molested and you need to allow yourself to understand that – to deal with that. You can't brush what happened to you off as 'nothing' simply because Khaleel did not get his penis inside you." 

Abbey turned away, hot tears working their way down her cheeks. For months now that was exactly what she had been doing, brushing off the horrible sexual things Khaleel had done to her as nothing because there had not been intercourse. But it wasn't nothing. Slowly but surely, she was coming to that realization. 

"You should have seen his face when I told him I wasn't raped." Abbey accepted the tissue Grace held out to her. 

"Are we talking about Jed here?" 

Abbey nodded blowing gently into the tissue. "Until this past weekend, he still thought that I'd been raped. You should have seen the relief on his face when I said that I hadn't." 

"It bothers you that he was relieved?" 

"I think it does. I mean, what if I HAD been raped, how would that have been different to him?" 

"Men are complicated on this front, Abbey. There is so much ego involved when it comes to a man's 'mate' even when a woman is taken violently by force. There is a pride in knowing that what they do sexually with their woman is for them only and when another man takes that, he is taking away that something special that was for him only. It's unfair and they know that and it fills many of them with guilt, but it's still there." 

"I know. We went through this in counseling when I WAS raped. I know he had a really hard time with that image in his mind and with what he perceived as his inability to 'save' me." 

"That's a typical male response. Men are taught to protect and defend, and throughout history one of the most vile, degrading, and damaging forms of violence has been to take another man's woman by force, leaving him with an image that he would have to live with every day when he saw her. It was the ultimate way to conquer. That's why it happens so frequently in kidnappings like yours. It wouldn't have been enough for Khaleel to kill you. He wanted your husband to live with the knowledge that he'd raped you before he'd killed you. It's the ultimate revenge, the last stake in his heart." 

Abbey nodded. "Jed was so good to me after I was raped. I mean, he was so patient and kind and understanding and he NEVER blamed me. But, this time I'm scared." 

"What are you scared of?" 

"I'm scared because he was so relieved when I told him I wasn't raped. How is he going to feel when he finds out just how far things went? When he finds out that I OFFERRED that son of bitch my body and that he did take certain things from it and came about as close as could be to taking me." 

"You didn't tell him?" 

"No." 

"Why?" 

Abbey was silent for a long moment. She thought about Jed's feelings of guilt, of his pain. "Because as pissed as I am at him, I wanted to protect him. I know my husband. I know how riddled with guilt that he is over the kidnapping and I've let him feel that way because I felt he DESERVED it. I wanted to show him that I could handle everything on my own and that I didn't need him. I know he feels like I'm shutting him out, but if I tell him all the things that went on, the fact that I had to barter my body, it's going to hurt him so deeply." 

Abbey looked up to see Grace smiling at her. It was a strange reaction for her emotional statement. "Why are you smiling at me?" 

"Because you've just given me a lot of insight into your marriage. Do you realize that, in spite of your anger toward him, in the past few months that I've been working with Aislinn, you have not ONCE bad mouthed your husband to me? And now, even though you admit that you're pissed and that you're hurt and confused, you are still trying to protect him against the things that you know will hurt him. It's very apparent to me that you love your husband very, very deeply, and that's a wonderful thing. But, you need to get past that." 

"Get past it?" Abbey was shocked. 

"Yes. You need to stop being worried about hurting him or alienating him or protecting him. You need to be honest with him. Tell him everything that happened to you. Let him give you his own honest responses. Don't assume you know how he's going to feel." 

"I won't be seeing him for a while. Probably until Christmas." 

"Why is that?" 

"Because he didn't ask me to go back with him." 

"Do you need to be asked?" 

"Maybe I do." Abbey's pain started to turn to anger. "He asked if he could bring the kids back with him, but he didn't ask for ME. All this time that I've been up here separated from him, he didn't fight me ONCE. That's not like Jed. After a while, MY Jed would have had enough and come storming up here demanding that I return with him or at least tried to convince me. He hasn't fought for me ONCE." 

"And that's what you want?" 

"Well, not in the beginning. I did need that time away, but after a while, I wanted him to come for me. And when he was at the farm, it all seemed so normal. I felt all the old desire for him both physically and emotionally. I thought he felt the same." 

"Maybe he was afraid." 

"Afraid?" 

"Of pushing you further away. If you didn't talk to him or see him, Abbey, how on earth would he know that your feelings had changed?" 

Abbey stared at Grace dumbfounded. "This is going to sound so stupid. It's just…Jed and I have been together for so long. I guess I just thought he knew." 

"That he could read your mind?" 

Abbey nodded. "God, I feel so stupid. You're right. Just because I had been doing all that soul searching and had come to the conclusion that I couldn't blame him anymore for what happened to us, didn't mean that he knew I was feeling that way. I guess I just expected him to know that. We're usually so good at reading each other." 

"But, he can't read you when you're a thousand miles apart," Grace said gently. 

"You're right, he can't. Maybe we need to work on changing that." 

**** 

Fed up and unwilling to compromise, Jed sat back on the couch watching his "Fighting Irish" play basketball. He knew that at some point the game would be interrupted by a visit from Leo and Leo didn't disappoint. After a few niceties and commentary about the game, Leo got right to the heart of the matter, which was trying to convince him to accept Haffley's deal and keep the government open. Jed was clearly frustrated by the advice Leo had to offer. 

"He thinks I'll blink first. I'm not blinking, Leo. I took his Vice President. I dropped my stimulus package, my college tuition tax credit, and now we're haggling not over the budget, but over how much to cut." 

"Sir? You're putting all our chips down on a single hand we can't win. " 

"DAMMIT, Leo. We had a deal. At some point that needs to MEAN something in this town." 

"It's a bad deal, a bad week, a bad year. But our approval's in the thirties and we're out of allies on the Hill. Let's get past this budget cycle, make a deal at two percent tonight, not let it become a noose around our necks. Then, we can get back on message, be bold at the State of the Union, take back Congress." 

Making it clear what he thought of that idea, Jed turned back to the game. "Dammit! They've got a seven-foot center and best power center in the game. Why zone?" 

"It's not always enough to be right, sir." 

Jed looked away from the game and stared at Leo for a moment. Was that really what he believed? That he would shut the government down just to prove that he was right? It didn't surprise him that Leo didn't know him well enough to understand where he was coming from. There was only one person who would understand why he was putting his foot down, why it was so important to him that his programs not lose funding, why he was sick and tired of being pushed around and why he just didn't have the energy to stand up and say so, but that person wasn't here. Rather than try to make Leo understand, feeling that he SHOULD understand, his eyes returned to the game in dismissal of his Chief of Staff. 

But, Leo knew Jed better than he thought. He might not understand the man's thought process, at the moment, but he did understand the lethargy, the snippiness, and the lack of concentration. It was depression and there was only one person who could alleviate that. 

**** 

"'Das me with my Mumma. I WITTLE baby." 

"Yes, you were. I took that picture of you and your mother in the hospital not long after you were born, so I remember how little you were very well. I was right there when you were born." 

Abbey stood in the doorway, smiling softy as she watched her sister going through a photo album with Aislinn and Nicholas on each side of her. 

Aislinn flashed her aunt a confused look. "My Mumma bornded me?" 

"And ME!" Nicky bounced on his seat. 

"Yes, she did," Jane laughed. "But I was there when she did the…uh…borning." 

"How my Mumma bornded us?" 

Abbey bit her cheek trying to keep from laughing as her sister hemmed and hawed at how to answer the question. Finally taking pity on her, she entered the room; but before she could rescue Jane from the minefield of questions, Nicholas looked up at her. 

"My daddy gutted us at da hopsital. Wight, Mumma?" 

"Yes, you're both right. Mommy had you at the hospital and Daddy came and brought us home. And now it's time to write your lists for Santa before bath and bed." 

"'Cooby bubbles?" Aislinn asked, as she and her brother scrambled off their aunt's lap. 

"Yes, we have Scooby bubbles." It still amazed Abbey how easily her daughter had slipped back into speaking. "Now, let's go into the kitchen with both of you." Abbey gave them each a few animal cookies and sippie cups of milk then settled them at the table each with a pencil and piece of paper. She grabbed a handful of the small cookies for herself then sat at the head of the table to form her own master list. 

"Okay, who's going first?" 

"I want my fuffy kitty," Aislinn offered. 

"Okay, write it on your list." 

Aislinn began to scribble on her paper while Abbey wrote out her daughter's request on her list. 

"Don't you already have a kitty, Ash?" Jane asked. 

Aislinn nodded. "Oliber." 

"My Fluffy Kitty is something she saw on TV. It's one of those electronic stuffed animals that walks, meows and twitches her nose," Abbey explained. 

"It goes MEEEOOWW…. MEOWWWW…." Aislinn wrinkled her nose and mimicked the kitty sound. 

"That sounds pretty cool," Jane smiled affectionately at her animated niece. The change in Aislinn since she'd seen her Thanksgiving Day was amazing. 

"Now, what about you, buddy?" Abbey turned to Nicholas. "Is there anything special you want Santa to bring you?" 

Nicholas thought long and hard for a moment then turned to his mother with solemn eyes. "Want Santa bwing my daddy." 

"What?" Abbey's breath caught in her throat. 

"Want Santa bwing my daddy." 

Tears clouded Abbey's eyes at his innocent little request and she quickly looked away. Nicholas was immediately contrite. 

"I sowy, Mumma. I SOWY…Don't cwy, Mumma." He climbed down from his seat and tried to wrap his arms around her leg to hug her. 

Abbey quickly pulled herself together and lifted Nicholas up on to her lap. "You didn't make me cry, sweetheart. It's okay." 

"Santa not bwing Daddy?" Nicholas assumed his mother was upset because he was requesting something that couldn't be done. 

"No, Nicholas. Santa can't bring people, just presents." Green eyes met green over the table and Jane gave her a sad, sympathetic half smile. "But, that doesn't mean you won't get your daddy for Christmas." 

"I get my daddy," Nicky beamed, his eyes lighting with a joy Abbey could not miss or deny. 

"I'll see what I can do." 

**** 

About an hour later, Abbey was finishing up the dishes when Jane entered the kitchen having bathed and tucked in her niece and nephew. 

"You're a lucky lady, Abbey. Those kids are just too adorable for words." 

Abbey smiled at her and tossed the dishtowel down. 

"You know one of my regrets is that I never had the chance to raise a child." 

"Really?" Abbey lifted a brow at her sister who, while neat, trim and attractive in a no-nonsense kind of way, had long ago erased almost any femininity in herself. "I never thought you had any desire for children." 

"No. I didn't have the desire for a husband. I'd have loved to have raised a child." 

"Why didn't you adopt?" 

"Because back when I was with the woman I wanted to raise a child with that was pretty much unheard of, or it was much more difficult than it is today. Once Pat was gone, it just wasn't feasible. I wasn't made out to be a single mother." 

"I'm sorry, Janie. I never knew you felt that way. I guess I just thought that a child was never part of your life plan." 

"Why? Because I'm a lesbian?" 

"No. Well…yes, partly that and partly because of your lifestyle. I mean when we were growing up you were never exactly the maternal type. I was the one with the baby dolls and I was the one who baby-sat for the Gardners. You hated kids. I was the one planning my wedding, to coincide, of course, with medical school, and naming all the children I was going to have with my, as of yet, unknown husband while you were sitting on your bed rolling your eyes at me. I was the one who graduated from college, got pregnant and married my man on my way to grad school. You were the one who graduated and took off backpacking and painting all over Europe. You've always lived this really free kind of bohemian lifestyle, just picking up and moving whenever the urge hit you. You never seemed to have the roots that a child would need." 

"Maybe I would have put down those roots if I'd have had a child. Lifestyle can cover up for a lot of loneliness, you know. Don't get me wrong, I've had a wonderful life. I've met some fascinating people and lived in some incredible places, but I think there has always been a little hole in my heart that was never filled – a place where a child might have fit. Gay people aren't any different from you heterosexuals. Many of us want to have families and I can't help but feel like I missed out on a big part of the human experience by not having one." 

Jane pulled out a bottle of Jed's expensive aged Scotch, poured herself a glass, and then one for Abbey and the two sisters sat at the kitchen table with their drinks. Abbey took a swallow trying to get her bearings. She felt the liquid make a burning path to her stomach where it heated and warmed her where she had gone cold at her sister's words. It was difficult for her to process what Jane was telling her. Her sister was a very private person and rarely did she open up like this, even with her. Abbey had never known that those feelings existed inside her. Jane was always talking about the wonderful freedom she had to pick up at the drop of a hat and go off to paint somewhere new, of all the exotic things she had seen and done. She'd never spoken of loneliness or cover-ups. 

"You've always been one to need roots, Abbey." Jane swallowed her own drink. "And you've set down some good solid ones in your marriage and family. You have a man who loves you. Why in the hell are you still here?" 

Jane's tone immediately caused Abbey's hackles to rise. "You don't know the whole story." 

"No, I don't. But, I know enough. I know that you're miserable without Jed and he's miserable without you. What more do I need to know?" 

"You know for someone who hasn't been in a relationship for twenty years, you're awfully free with the advice." 

"Abbey, you can't be that naïve." 

"What do you mean?" 

"Do you honestly believe that I haven't had any relationships since Pat died?" 

"I…I don't know. I guess I never thought about it." 

"Because you didn't WANT to think about it." 

"That isn't fair, Jane. I came to terms with your sexuality a LONG time ago." 

"No, you learned to tolerate my sexuality because you're my sister and you love me. I don't think you've every really accepted it." 

"Accepting and understanding are two very different things. I don't think I'll ever UNDERSTAND your attraction to other women because that is as alien to me as my attraction to a masculine man like Jed is to you. But I have accepted it. Hell, I gave my daughter your partner's name as her middle name." 

"I know you did." Jane reached across the table to take Abbey's hand. "And I'll forever be grateful for that. But that was different. I was with Pat for ten years before she died. You were able to get to know her and get used to the idea of us as a couple. But you don't know what it's like to always be on your guard, even in a long-term relationship. When we were all there visiting Mom and Dad, YOU could sit on Jed's lap, or hold his hand and curl up to him to watch TV, or kiss him in front of the family; THAT was acceptable because he was your husband and that was NORMAL. Pat and I always had to watch how we behaved in public. We knew it made people uncomfortable to witness our affection for each other. We knew we were acceptable as long as people, including our families didn't have to think that we were actually LOVERS. Do you know how hard it was for Mom to put Pat and me in the same bedroom when we visited? Even after TEN years, it was hard for her. But, there was never any question at all that you and Jed would be sharing a bed in their home." 

"Did I make you feel that way?" Tears filled Abbey's eyes as she honestly assessed her feelings and found herself lacking. She had always prided herself on her open mind and her acceptance of alternative lifestyles; but, Jane was right, there were times when actually witnessing the affection HAD made her uncomfortable. Lately, she was just a roiling mess of emotions. She didn't think she'd ever cried as much as she had these past few months. 

"It wasn't just you. It was worrying about Mom and Dad. Having to explain things to YOUR kids and dealing with society in general. My coming out was a much bigger deal in the 70's than it is today. I mean there are all kinds of issues that we have now BECAUSE we are more open, but back then you were practically shunned for being gay." 

"I know and I can't imagine how hard that was for you. I can't imagine how hard it would be to have to hide the love and affection that I have for Jed or to feel society did not accept it. But, that doesn't change the way things are now. I mean it's not like I expected you to suddenly discover an attraction for men after Pat died. Why didn't you tell me when there were new women in your life?" 

"For the very reason you said earlier. You were able to honestly believe that I'd not had a lover for twenty-one years. I think the only way you could believe that would be because it's easier for you to think of me as asexual. It's okay if I'm a lesbian as long as I don't have a girlfriend." 

"That's not the reason I didn't think you'd been with anyone else." 

"Well, why then?" 

"Because I…well…if I ever lost Jed, I know I'd never have another man in my bed." The tears were there again, shimmering brightly. "I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like your lifestyle was unacceptable to me. I WANT you to be able to share things with me the way that I do with you." 

"Oh, Abbey. I wish I'd known that's what it was. I guess I just assumed…" 

"Is there anyone in your life right now?" 

"Not at the moment." 

"Well, if you do find someone, I want to meet her. I just want you to be happy, Janie. How you find happiness is entirely up to you." 

"Well, you know that street works both ways, sis." 

"Hmmm…" Abbey blinked as she took another sip of the strong alcohol. 

"I just want you to be happy, too. Jed is the love of your life. You just admitted that if anything happened to him, there would never be another man in your bed; and yet, you are here alone with children who are asking Santa Claus to bring their daddy back to them. Now, I understand that you needed this time. I know you had a lot to work through. But, don't you think it's been long enough? You have a man who loves you with all his heart. Go to him. Be happy, Abbey. Let yourself be happy again. It's time." 

Before Abbey could respond the phone rang. Saved by the bell, she thought. How little did she know. 

"Hello." 

"Hello, Abbey. It's Leo." 

"Leo." The tone of her voice distinctly chilled when she found out who it was, but Leo didn't let it put him off. 

"Abbey. We need you to come back." 


	19. Finding Our Way Back Home

It was well after midnight when Abbey made a final check on the twins before retiring for the evening. She had put off going to bed because she knew she was going to be too keyed up to be able to fall asleep. Tomorrow she was packing up and moving back into the White House. "We need you," Leo had said. Later he had amended that to "Jed needs you." At first she'd been terrified of an M.S. flare up, but Leo had assured her that wasn't the case. Her husband needed her because without her at the White House, he was losing his focus, losing his ability to concentrate on the problems at hand and sinking into a deep melancholy that the staff was finding it difficult, if not impossible, to bring him out of. That was not exactly the picture of her husband that Abbey had gotten just last weekend at Thanksgiving. Yes, Jed had looked tired and he was definitely walking on eggshells around her, but, the man who had laughingly played touched football and wrestled with his children in the leave piles was not the tragic melancholic figure that Leo proclaimed was residing in the White House. Was that what being without his family did to him? Was that what she had done to him? 

As Abbey smoothed back sweaty hair off brows and adjusted pajamas and blankets, she wondered what it was going to be like back at the White House. Leo had played on her patriotism, urged her return, if not as Jed's wife, then as the First Lady, telling her that her country needed her. He needn't have gone that far. His phone call had given her the perfect opportunity to return to the White House and still save face. It hurt that it was Leo and not Jed asking her to return, but then again, she wouldn't expect Jed to call her with a plea like that. Her husband had never found it easy to admit that he had a problem, in that, they were very much alike. 

Abbey knew that being back at the White House would be much different than the relatively tranquil three months she had spent on the farm. Life as Jed Bartlet's wife had never been tranquil, but neither had it been boring. Her husband was a complex, fascinating, and driven man. In her life with him, there might have been a few lows but there had also been some absolutely incredible highs. She wondered what it was like for people who didn't experience those exhilarating shifts in their marriage. For her and Jed, it had kept things new and interesting, had kept their passion from fading into the familiarity of a long-term relationship. She couldn't imagine a life without passion. Sure, when you felt so strongly, it made the pain that much more intense, but it also made the making up so breathtaking, so exhilarating, so joyful, and so overwhelming. There wasn't a word she could use to explain it – Love. It all came down to that one four-letter word – Love. 

**** 

Zoey leaned back against the headboard of her bed listening to music with her headphones on because it was late at night and her brother and sister were asleep just next door. She had a decision to make and that decision wasn't coming easily. In the morning her mother and her siblings would be leaving for Washington. Her mother wanted her to return with them, but she just wasn't sure if she was ready to do that or not. She wasn't sure if she was ready for the questions, the curiosity or simply the INTEREST that her arrival would generate. It wouldn't be so easy to hide away from it all in the White House and she was quite sure that was one of the main reasons her mother had taken so long to return. 

She sighed as she shifted her position and her eye caught the large glass shelf next to her computer desk. It was crammed with trophies and awards from school, sports, and church. She was a product of her parents union, a union of two incredibly brilliant, committed people and because of this, she achieved. There wasn't one Bartlet child who did not achieve. She and her sisters had all done well in school, not just because they shared the genes of their parents intellect, but because it was expected of them. There would be no dog eating a Bartlet girl's homework. You did your homework before you went riding or talked on the phone with your friends or played with your sisters. Not that they didn't have fun or that their noses were constantly kept to the grindstone, it was just that education was a precious commodity and their parents made sure they didn't squander the opportunity to learn. And, being Bartlets, Zoey and her sisters had all enjoyed learning; it had come easily to them. 

Still, no matter how easy the learning came, it was not easy being the daughter of a Nobel laureate and a gifted surgeon. People – their teachers, their family, their friends and finally the American public – expected great things from them. And that wasn't counting the pressure that they put on themselves to follow in Jed and Abbey Bartlet's giant footsteps. Elizabeth had followed their father down the path to an intellectual life of teaching. Ellie had followed their mother into the challenging intricacy of medicine, but Zoey hadn't been sure what she wanted to do. She'd thought about medical school, tossed around the idea of law school, and even thought about taking a year off to "find" herself before continuing with her education. Well, she'd gotten her time to find herself, even if it wasn't exactly how she had planned it. She'd spent a lot of time here at the farm pondering what she wanted to do with the "life" that she had been gifted with thanks to her mother's sacrifice. She wanted to do right by that gift, right by her mother, right by God, and right by herself. She wanted to make the most of her second chance and had started thinking lately that a good way to accomplish that would be to go on to grad school and get her masters and Ph.D. in psychology to help other people who had gone through the same kind of ordeal that she had been through. She liked the idea of helping people just as both her parents did in different ways, for her Bartlet heart was as big a part of her as her Bartlet brain. Adding to the plus side of things, she liked the idea that going down that path was something different from anything that her parents or sisters had done, so she would be staking her own territory and wouldn't be compared to them. 

Comparisons had always been hard for Zoey as the youngest daughter in a family of achievers, especially when it came to her mother. She loved her mother very deeply. They shared a love of the outdoors and hiking and riding, but she had always been a "daddy's girl". When she was a little girl, she had worshipped her mother, thought she was the most beautiful, intriguing and loving person in the world. And then she had become a teenager. Those confusing years had brought about a very natural shift in their relationship, bringing on moments when she resented her terribly and not just for her intelligence. Teenage boys didn't care if you were smart or not, they wanted you to have a killer body and her mother had been blessed with one of those killer bodies. She had heard men whistle at her mother when they walked down the street in Boston and she'd often heard her father tell her, "Abbey, you have a body that stops traffic." For a teenage girl not all that pleased with her own body, there were times when she desperately wished that her mother were not such an amazingly gorgeous woman. It was not easy to be the daughter of a gorgeous woman, especially not when you were an awkward teenager with skinny coltish legs, a barely B cup chest and a mouthful of braces. It didn't matter that her mother told her she herself had been through those same stages. All Zoey saw was the end result and that was the cultured, sophisticated, sexy elegance and beauty of Abigail Bartlet. 

She still remembered vividly, and with some embarrassment, the day that she had finally blown up at her mother. It was a hot Indian summer September afternoon and she had some friends over at the farm working on a school project. Her mother had arrived home from work looking as she usually did – pencil slim above the knee length skirt that hugged the curve of her hips, high heels and a tank styled silk blouse that skimmed over her full breasts. She didn't look any different to Zoey than she usually did, only this time Dylan McReedy, who Zoey fancied herself madly in love with, had commented on how "sizzling HOT" her mother was and another boy that was there had commented on her mother's "great set of boobs." Not hearing the comments that had been made, Abbey had smiled that easy, breezy smile of hers, said hello, and asked if anyone was staying for supper. If she noticed her daughter's terse "NO", she didn't comment on it, merely entered the house with the eyes of three salivating hormonal teenage boys on the sway of her hips and rear. Zoey hadn't said a word at the time, but once her friends were gone, she had turned on her mother in a childish fit of rage. She still remembered the angry words she had hurled at Abbey and the hurt and confusion on her mother's face. 

"What is WRONG with you anyway? WHY do you have to dress like that in front of my friends?" 

"Dress like what?" Abbey had asked looking down. "I'm not dressed any differently today than I am any other day." 

"WHY do you have to wear your skirts so short, anyway? Are you LOOKING for attention? Do you ENJOY getting whistled at and having boys make comments about your legs and your boobs? Do you LIKE…" 

"Zoey, that's ENOUGH." Jed Bartlet's stern voice was enough to cut Zoey off in mid sentence. He had heard the insults his daughter was hurling at his wife and seen the stricken look on Abbey's face and immediately put an end to the tantrum. As he had taken Zoey down the hall to the library by the arm, Zoey's anger had faded and she was immediately ashamed, especially when she thought of the shocked, hurt look on her mother's face. Her father had taken her to task, given her a stern lecture and asked her if she thought that maybe her mother deserved an apology. Zoey had agreed that she did. Her attack hadn't been fair. She had known that the entire time she had been yelling, which made her even angrier. Her mother was right. She wasn't dressed any differently than she always was and she always looked elegant and stylish with a sort of big city Boston chic that sometimes looked out of place in rural New Hampshire but was NEVER trampy. Abbey Bartlet couldn't help it if she was sexy no matter what she wore. 

And, really, when it came down to it, Abbey wasn't the only one her friends had commented on. She'd had female friends in the past tell her that her dad was cute and sexy or that he had great eyes or a great butt and she knew some of them liked to sleep over at her house because they had a bit of a crush on him. That made her feel a little weird, but it hadn't bothered her nearly so much because she wasn't being compared to HIM. When those boys commented on her mother's incredible body, or her girl friends told her they wished they were as beautiful and glamorous as her mother was, she DID feel that she was being compared to her and that she came up lacking. She had been jealous, pure and simple, and she had HATED her mother in those moments. Thankfully, they were just moments and no rift had ever grown between the two. They were simply too close to allow for any real damage. 

Things had also gotten better through the natural evolution of mother/daughter relationships and the process of growing up. Of Zoey coming to realize that her mother was her mother; she was beautiful and she had style and she truly was a "brainy babe" as she had seen her referred in the tabloids; and that was okay because there was more to her than that. Over the past few months, she had witnessed her mother's courage, bravery and selflessness and she had seen just how deeply a mother could love her children. She'd often heard mothers say that they would die for their children, but Zoey now KNEW not only that her mother would die for her, but that she would go through the fires of hell for her. It had been an eye-opening concept and one that had gotten her thinking quite deeply, causing her to mature almost overnight. Through therapy and self-awareness, she came to the realization that she didn't HAVE to follow in her mother or her father's footsteps; but if she chose to do so, that didn't have to be such a bad thing. There weren't many better examples to follow than Jed and Abbey Bartlet. She had also come to accept the fact that her mother was a beautiful, intelligent woman and just because she had been named the most admired woman in America and one of _People_ magazine's twenty-five sexiest people in the world didn't have to mean that SHE was any less because of that. There was room for more than one beautiful, intelligent woman in the Bartlet family; one only had to look at her sisters to see that. But, it took more than outward appearance to give a person that something special that caused true beauty, and as far as Zoey could see, that meant being beautiful from within. There were thousands of beautiful women in the world, but only a few had that special something to grab the world's imagination. Zoey found herself now WANTING to be like her mother, to be as beautiful and strong on the inside as she was on the outside. She wanted to show the world that she was all grown up and ready to embrace her future. 

But, before she could move forward, she needed a bit of closure in her life. She knew that she couldn't make any steps for the future until she put Jean-Paul de Bourbon behind bars for life. She still had a few months to gain her strength for that fight, which was a good thing. She wasn't ready yet to face the White House or the American public, and without her there as a buffer, maybe her parents would be forced to confront each other once and for all and be able to start the real process of healing for them both. Nope, she was staying put right where she was. 

**** 

"I take it you aren't coming." Abbey was zipping up the kids' jackets; not an easy task because they were both so excited to be going to see their daddy that they couldn't sit still. Zoey was still in her bathrobe. 

"No." Zoey shook her head negatively. She hated the disappointed look on her mother's face. "I'm not ready yet." 

"Zoey, are you sure? Nobody's going to force you to do anything you aren't ready to do. I'll keep the press away. I'll keep everyone away. I'll…" 

"Mom…" Zoey rested a hand on Abbey's shoulder. "I'm not a kid anymore. You shouldn't have to keep shielding me and protecting me. I'm really grateful for all the help that you've given me these past few months, but the rest of it I need to do on my own. You gave me the peace and foundation that I needed to start to recover, but now I need to take that a step further. I need to find out who Zoey Bartlet is and what she wants to do with her life." 

"Any ideas on which way you might be going with that?" 

"A few," Zoey smiled. "And, when I do make up my mind, you'll be the first to know." 

"These past few months, Zoey, I know they've been really hard on all of us, but in a way I'm grateful for them." 

"Grateful?" 

"I feel like I've really gotten to know you, the REAL you, not just the Zoey who is my daughter or the Zoey I raised. I've gotten to know the Zoey that's in here." She tapped her daughter's heart. 

"Me too, Mom." Zoey's eyes clouded with tears. "I used to hear all these people talking about what an amazing person you are and I always thought, 'she's just my mom'. I don't think that anymore. You really are amazing and I know what you sacrificed to save Aislinn and me and to come here and make us better. But, you don't have to sacrifice anymore. We're both getting better thanks to you. Now you need to let Daddy help YOU to get better." 

Abbey shook her head in amazement. Just six months ago, this lovely, poised, mature young lady standing before her had been a slightly spoiled, giggling co-ed. "Your Dad was right, Zo." She reached out to touch her cheek. "You really have grown up and no matter what you decide to do about your future, KNOW that I am already so proud of who you are, of your strength, your courage and your tremendous heart." 

"Thank you, Mom." 

Zoey watched with a puzzled frown as Abbey began rummaging through her purse. "What are looking for?" 

"This." Abbey pulled out a black velvet box and handed it to her daughter with a gentle, sad smile. Zoey tentatively took the box, not knowing why her mother was giving her this gift; it wasn't her birthday. When she opened the box, her eyes widened. 

"Oh, Mom. I CAN'T." 

"Yes, sweetheart. You can." 

"No, I can't. This is YOUR necklace. The one Daddy gave you after that man…" 

"Raped me." Abbey nodded her head. "Yes, he did." She gently took the gold filigree necklace from the box, staring down at the intricate small fire breathing dragon charm with its emerald eye and ruby curl of fire. "He gave it to me because, to the ancient Celts, dragons were a symbol of protection and he wanted me to feel like I was protected. Now I want you to feel that way. I don't like leaving you here, even if you are an adult, but I'll feel better knowing you have this. When you feel scared or lonely or like nobody knows just how vulnerable and frightened you feel, put this on and know that you are safe. This necklace got me through some pretty awful dark times." 

Zoey lifted her hair and Abbey placed the necklace around her slender neck, clasped it and then turned her around. She smiled as the dragon lay against her daughter's chest and she reached out a finger to touch it. 

"Thank you, Mom." 

Abbey nodded, tears burning her eyes. 

"MOM," Zoey protested. "I'll see you in a few weeks at Christmas." 

"I know, I know." Abbey wiped at her eyes and attempted a smile. 

"Mrs. Bartlet," an agent poked his head in. "We're ready." 

"Okay." She gave Zoey one last hug and then she and the children started to make their way to the motorcade. Abbey HATED that Zoey wasn't accompanying them to Washington. She HATED the idea of her daughter being so far away from her. For over three months now, she had been there morning, noon, or night, ready to protect and defend her children. She didn't like handing that job over, even to the Secret Service. She knew she was going to have to work really hard at not becoming an over-protective mother, at allowing her children to stumble and make mistakes and live their lives. She and Grace had discussed her struggles with that concept and it was certainly easier said than done. It had been incredibly difficult to give Zoey a choice and not DEMAND that she return to Washington. It wasn't easy to hand her children over to the world, not after knowing what kind of demons the world could produce. It especially wasn't easy after having looked directly into the eyes of evil and knowing that it could be back for them. Any of them. 

As she sat in the suburban, Abbey took one look back at the house. Three months ago, she had retreated here to the farm, away from the world, away from Jed, away from his pull and the incredible hold he'd always had on her. She had found peace and renewal in licking her wounds in private away from the stranglehold of the White House Press Corps. But, there had also been so much that she had lost – comfort, love, partnership, someone to rely on, someone to lean on, someone to pull her through the dark moments when she thought the fear would suck her down into the deep dark abyss and she would never be able to find her way back out. Jed. Somewhere along the way, she had lost Jed and in doing so, she had lost a part of herself. 

Still, the farm had done its job for her and for her children. In cooking in her cozy farm kitchen, sleeping in her familiar bed, riding horseback over the quiet fields, and hiking through the silent New Hampshire woods, she had been able to reflect and do the soul searching she might never have been able to do had she stayed at the White House. But, now that she was on her way to healing, it was time to return and face the music. She was stronger now, much stronger than when she had left as a battered, scared, emotional mess. It would be a much different Abbey Bartlet that would return to the White House than the shaken woman that had left. An Abbey Bartlet determined to pick up the pieces of her life and make herself and her family whole again. An Abbey Bartlet determined to regain what she had lost. 

**** 

"Sir, I have a David Griffith on the line." 

It was the White House switchboard operator. "Yes, thank you, put him through please." Jed knew this wasn't going to be a pleasant call and if Dave was using the switchboard instead of their private number, it was a call he wanted to keep professional rather than personal. "Dave, how are you?" 

"Well, I'm not doing very well to tell you the truth." 

"I'm sorry." Jed's tone was one of genuine regret leading Dave to believe that he knew the whole sordid tale. 

"Millie's been in to see you." 

"She offered me her resignation. Again." 

"Don't let her resign, sir. I wanted to speak with you personally because I wanted you to know that I value your and Abbey's friendship. I'm not going to make this divorce a public spectacle and I won't be hurling accusations of adultery at Millie. We're going to try to do this quietly. I don't want to create a scandal for your administration and quite frankly, I don't need the humiliation." 

"Irreconcilable differences?" 

"Yeah, our views on our marriage vows were quite a bit different. See, I thought part of those vows included not having sex with other people but obviously Millie thought differently." 

Jed winced at the deep bitterness in Dave's tone. "Millie knows she was wrong, Dave. She regrets terribly what she did. It was a mistake, a terrible life altering mistake, but isn't there some way, any way that you can work past this and keep your marriage together." 

"Work PAST this? You just went up to visit Abbey for Thanksgiving, didn't you?" 

"Yes," Jed frowned, not sure where he was going with this line of questioning. 

"I want you to think about how you would have felt if you walked through that door and heard your wife moaning and whimpering…If, as you got closer to the bathroom where the noises were coming from, you heard the deeper groans of a man. I want you to think about how you would have felt if you had opened that shower door to see Abbey naked, her legs wrapped around another man's waist, his body deeply imbedded in hers as the two of them went at it for all they were worth. I want you to think about how you would have felt to hear your wife crying out in ecstasy the name of another man – BEGGING another man. Do you think you could move past that? Do you think that vision would not be burned into your brain forever? Do you honestly think you could ever look at her again and not want to either kill her or cry?" 

Feeling slightly nauseous at the image put in his mind, Jed sank back on the couch. Dave was right; how could a person ever get past something like that? But, for Jed, it was worse. He knew that for him it wouldn't simply be moving past the adultery, the betrayal, the devastation; it would be wondering if he could SURVIVE it. A quick jab of fear stabbed sharply at his heart. What if Abbey left him for good? What if she never returned to the White House? What if she divorced him? She would be free then, free to have a boyfriend, free to take a lover, free to get married again. The very idea of his wife in a marriage with another man, sharing her life with another man, sleeping beside another man, being intimate with another man, raising HIS children with another man caused his stomach to clench with a violent dry heave and his chest to tighten and burn. He couldn't survive that, deep in his heart he knew that he couldn't, knew that it would kill him. 

"Sir…Sir, are you there?" 

"I'm here," Jed swallowed. "I'm sorry, Dave. Of course, you're right. You have to do what's best for you. But––ah––right now, I have to go. I appreciate you keeping this out of the press. Please call me if there is anything I can do." 

Before David Griffith could answer, Jed hung up the phone and made for the balcony. Outside, he placed his hands on the rails, inhaling great gulps of fresh cold air before reaching into his breast pocket for his pack of cigarettes. With Abbey gone, he'd started carrying them there again. His hand shaking with emotion, he lit the cigarette and inhaled, hoping to calm himself. The last time he'd been this shaky lighting a cigarette had been when Abbey was in labor with the twins. Tears burned yet again in his eyes. He had to get his family back. Somehow, he had to get Abbey back here. He wasn't going to lose them. He wasn't going to lose HER; he simply could NOT allow that to happen. 

> _I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh_  
>  I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away   
> I keep your photograph and I know it serves me well   
> I wanna hold you high and steal your pain 
> 
> 'Cause I'm broken when I'm open   
> And I don't feel like I am strong enough   
> 'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome   
> And I don't feel right when you're gone away...   
>    ( _Broken_ by Seether and Amy Lee)

**** 

Abbey's nerves had begun to fray as soon her plane touched down and now, as the Suburban made its way down the familiar streets of downtown Washington D.C. on the way to the most famous residence in the world, she felt the pressure grow in her chest, as if a giant weight was crushing the air from her lungs. She felt the panic rise from within and forced herself to breathe as Grace had taught her, trying to control her demons, to control the panic that could tear and claw at her. This is where it had all begun. That beautiful sunny summer day she had left the White House with a chattering Aislinn on her hip blowing kisses back at her daddy. She felt waves of nausea as she thought of the trap that they were so innocently walking into, of the dark days of terror and torture that lay ahead of them. She lay her head back against the seat and closed her eyes trying to hide from the horrific images that still haunted her, but with her eyes closed, they were still there even more vivid than before. Would she ever be free of them? She pressed her fingertips into her eyelids as if somehow she could erase them, force them from her head. 

"Ma'am? Are you all right?" 

Abbey opened her eyes to see Izzy looking at her with concern. Was she all right? Not exactly, but nobody was going to know that, at least nobody on her husband's staff. She wasn't going to let them see her vulnerability or her fears. She wasn't going to let them see what they had done to her. 

The children were still sleeping in their car seats when the car pulled up to White House. Abbey instructed Izzy and the agents to bring them upstairs to the nursery and put them down in their cribs. She had some business to take care of. 

As Abbey Bartlet took a deep breath and made her way down the halls of the West Wing, she looked straight ahead ignoring the stir that her arrival had created. Secretaries dropped phone receivers, aides gaped at her from water coolers and all action seemed to come to a standstill as the stares followed her all the way to the War Room. Evidently, she hadn't been expected. Squaring her shoulders and bracing herself, she shoved the door open to the room. 

The senior staff to the President turned to stare at the diminutive woman in the doorway, her auburn curls framing her oval face, dark sunglasses covering what they knew were penetrating green eyes. It was as if they could not believe their eyes, could not believe who was standing before them. And then she spoke. 

"Just what the hell have you been doing while I've been gone?" 


	20. Finding Our Way Back Home

"Abbey." Leo stopped her as she left the War Room on her way to the Residence. 

"What is it, Leo?" Her cool moss green eyes assessed him. 

"I just wanted to thank you. For coming back." 

"I didn't do for you." Her shoulders were tense and Leo noted with a pang to his conscience that she had lost weight a woman as slender as she already was couldn't afford to lose. Her face was thinner, the fine bones more pronounced and her entire demeanor was one of defense as she crossed her arms under her breasts. 

"I know." 

"And, don't think that I'm here to do your bidding. I didn't come back here to convince Jed to come around to your point of view. I came back to help him focus properly. I'm not exactly convinced that caving in is the right thing to do. I'll see what Jed has to say." 

"Abbey–" 

"Good day, Leo." She turned from him and Leo watched her head down the hall toward the Residence. Abbey had changed while she had been away. Her defenses were strong, her armor thick, her bitterness deep, and her words, thrust at him like weapons, were meant inflict pain. It was going to take a lot TLC to get under that protective shield, but if anyone could do it, Leo would lay odds on Jed Bartlet being the one. 

**** 

Jed was making himself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich when she entered the room. He knew it was Abbey before he even turned to look. He felt her, smelled her, sensed the kinetic energy that flowed between them, an almost mystical union they'd always shared. 

"A bit desperate, Jed. Shutting down the government just to get me back here." Abbey entered the room full of bravado, hiding any hint of the vulnerability she was feeling. 

So, this was the way she was going to play it. He could play casual, too. "Apparently, it worked." 

"Peanut butter and jelly? That's what you're having for dinner?" 

"The mess is closed. When this is gone, I'm going to have to start in on the kids' elbow macaroni." 

Abbey stepped up beside him, grabbed the other half of his sandwich and took a bite. It was so natural, something that she had done a hundred times, yet Jed could only stare at her. He didn't know what to make of her return, of how he should react. 

"You sound stuffy." She tried to sound nonchalant as she reached into the fridge for a carton of milk, but anytime Jed was sick it worried her. 

"Yeah, there's something going around. They said your motorcade arrived an hour ago. Where have you been?" 

"Downstairs, in your war room." 

"Oh?" Jed was surprised. He figured the last thing Abbey would want to do would be to get involved in the problems of his government. 

"Which, I noticed, you were not in. What happened? Lose your temper?" She knew her husband well; it wasn't unlike him to storm off in a huff. 

"Haffley reneged on the deal." 

Abbey set down a glass of milk in front of him then sat with her own glass across the table from him looking directly at him for the first time. He looked exhausted and thinner through the face and he had the saddest, loneliest eyes she'd ever seen. It was obvious that things were talking their toll on him and it was all she could do to keep from throwing her arms around him and holding him close. But, that wasn't what he needed right now. He needed someone to light a fire beneath him and like it or not, she was the only one who could do that. "So, now you're just sitting up here, waiting for what exactly?" 

Jed didn't answer. He didn't know what to say. 

"Your staff wants to bring you an offer." 

"Haffley came to us with a deal?" 

Finally she saw some interest, some excitement, and this time it was Abbey who couldn't answer. She hated to burst his bubble. 

"Dammit, I told Leo, no! Did he go ahead and contract the leadership?" 

"Don't be so melodramatic. They don't understand what you want them to do. Do you know what you want them to do?" 

Not wanting to talk about it anymore, Jed set his chin in his hands and stared across the table at her. How long had he dreamed of her sitting with him just like this. There was so much he wanted to ask her, but instead he opted for the one question he needed answered most desperately. 

"Are you staying through Christmas?" 

"Depends on how long it takes your damn government to get back up and running." 

There was so much more that Jed wanted to know but was afraid to ask. Four months ago, Abbey had retreated from him both physically and emotionally and now he was feeling a bit gun-shy. He wanted to ask her if she were home for good. He wanted to ask if she'd only come back because of the shutdown or if she was ready to be his wife again. If he'd truly believed that she was ready to put this behind them, he wouldn't have hesitated to fall to his knees and beg her to forgive him. He wouldn't have hesitated to do whatever it took to make things up to her. But, something in her eyes, a certain wariness that told him it might not be that easy, that coming back to be his First Lady was something entirely different than coming back to be his wife. 

"By the way, Jed, where's Josh?" 

Warmth filled his chest and he eyed his wife speculatively. She was on his side. By asking about Josh, she was telling him that she was on his side and he was suddenly filled with a new energy, a new spark, a new readiness to fight for what he wanted. Leo had frozen Josh out, demoted him and stripped him of all but the most mundane tasks. Normally Josh was not the man that Jed turned to when he needed back up. That man used to be Sam Seaborn. Ideologically Sam had been the closest to him, but Sam was gone and Josh was a fighter. Right now, he needed a fighter on his side. 

"I'll find out." 

Abbey nodded and got to her feet to put her glass in the sink. "I'm going to go and check on the kids." She turned and started to walk out of the kitchen. 

"Thank you, Abigail." 

Abbey stopped at the huskiness in his voice, but didn't turn around. 

"I know what courage it took for you to come back here today. Thank you." 

Abbey swallowed hard, closing her eyes before turning back to glance at him. "You're welcome." And before he could say anything else, she strode away down the hall toward the nursery with blurry eyes. 

Jed's eyes lingered on the empty doorway as if he still couldn't believe that she was actually here, that she had come back on her own volition. His wife was not an easy woman; she was not a shrinking violet and she was not the kind of woman who stood quietly behind her man. No, Abbey Bartlet was strong and brave and full of sass. She was the kind of woman you wanted standing by your side when life came up and gave you a right hook to the jaw. So many times in the past he had felt like it was him and Abbey against the world. Nobody was closer to him and there was nobody that he trusted more. Haffley had walked up and given him one of those right hooks; but with Abbey back at his side brimming with the confidence, the surety, the sharp intellect and the belief she'd always been able to instill in him that there was absolutely nothing that he couldn't do if he put his mind to it, Jed was ready to punch back. 

> _Here you come again_  
>  Lookin' better than a body   
> Has a right to   
> An' shakin' me up so   
> That all I really know   
> Is here you come again   
> An' here I go 
> 
> All you gotta do   
> Is smile that smile   
> And there go all my defenses   
> Just leave it up to you   
> And in a little while   
> You're messin' up my mind   
> An' fillin' up my senses…   
>    ( _Here You Come Again_ by Dolly Parton)

**** 

Jed Bartlet fairly bounded down the halls of the West Wing on his way back to the Residence. It had been a long time since his agents had had to worry about keeping up with him. But, his children had been back in the White House for over four hours now and he had yet to see them. First, they had been napping and then he'd had to leave for a meeting in the War Room. But, now there was nothing more that he could do until morning and nothing was going to keep him from this reunion. 

He heard them before he saw them. All the way at the end of the hall, he could hear their shrieking laughter. God, how he'd missed that sound. He stepped into the nursery and saw their toys strewn all about the room and Abbey kneeling in the midst of the chaos tickling Aislinn's belly while Nicholas hung on her back, his pudgy little arms crossed around her neck. 

"I SAVE YOU, AZLIN!" he was shouting. 

"YOU?" Abbey growled, pulling his arms from her neck and turning to face him. "You think a little pipsqueak like you can save the Princess?" 

"YES!" Nicholas hurled himself at Abbey's torso. She grabbed him before he hit her and gently flipped him onto his back. 

"GOTCHA!" she laughed. "Now you're MY prisoner of war." She lifted his pajama top to blow loud raspberries on his naked round belly while she tickled his ribs. He was giggling uncontrollably and Jed's chest swelled with emotion. God, how he'd missed these voices, missed the laughter, the noise, the silliness, even the tantrums. How he'd missed coming home to this – his wife and his children. A family. 

"DADDY!" Aislinn was the first to see him and, startled by his arrival, Abbey sat back abruptly on her knees watching her daughter race into his outstretched arms. 

"Hey, Sunshine." Jed buried his face in his daughter's curls; he still wasn't used to hearing her voice. "Do you know how much I missed you?" 

"No." Aislinn shook her head, obviously not understanding what a rhetorical question was. Jed laughed that great belly laugh that never failed to make Abbey smile. 

"I missed you as much tea as there is in China, as much water as there is in the seas, as many stars as there are in the sky. I missed you more than you could ever know, little girl." 

He wrapped her tightly in his arms and carried her to where Abbey was still kneeling over a now squirming Nicholas. He wanted to touch her, just place his hand on her shoulder, but he didn't. He wondered if she still had nightmares, wondered if her wary eyes would still fill with terror as she was plunged back into what she had endured in the days of her captivity. He wondered if she still got that horrible distant look that told him she was not seeing him at all, that she was no longer in the present, but in the past, in a time that still tormented her. 

No, instead of touching her, he smiled down at her. Her face was flushed and sweaty, her hair disheveled from all the roughhousing with the children. "Mind if I take a turn torturing the prisoner?" he asked. 

"Be my guest." She got to her feet and started putting toys away while Jed wrestled and tickled the children. By the time she had finished straightening the room, Jed was leaning against the wall breathing heavily with both kids on his lap. 

"You guys give up?" he asked. 

"No." Nicholas turned in his father's arms running his little fingers over his father's ribcage trying to tickle him. 

"Well, I give up, then." 

"No, Daddy, pay, pay…" 

"I think you two have done enough playing." Abbey took pity on her husband. Jed was so happy to have them back, she was sure he would play with them all night if they asked. "It's time to brush your teeth and say your prayers." 

The whining protests that they wanted to continue "paying" with Daddy started right away, but Jed cut them off. "Your mom is right, kiddos. But if you're good about your teeth and prayers, I'll read you an extra story." 

The kids agreed to the compromise and headed off with Jed toward the bathroom, each little hand encircled in his larger one. It did Abbey's heart good to see them together like that. Children needed their fathers. HER children needed Jed. 

"Well, since you have things in hand here, I'm going to go take a bath." 

"Go ahead, I've got everything under control." 

**** 

Abbey entered her and Jed's bedroom for the first time in almost four months. It smelled like him, with the masculine scents of bay rum and she feared – tobacco. Coming back to this bedroom had been a very tough decision for her. She'd had Jed sleep in the guestroom at the farm, but that had confused the children tremendously and she didn't want to make things any harder on them than they were. 

She was surprised when she stepped into the bathroom to see all her things just as she had left them. Her pink loofah still hung from the shower nozzle; her shampoo and conditioner still sat on the ledge along with her lilac scented bubble bath and her razor. She poured in a generous cupful of the bubbles into the running water and undressed, sliding into the hot water with soft sigh of pleasure, hoping this bath would calm her nerves. It was ridiculous to be this edgy about spending the night in her husband's bed. She'd spent more years lying next to Jed Bartlet than she had sleeping on her own, but it was different now. She didn't know what to expect, not only from Jed but also from herself. They couldn't just take up where they had left off. He had to know that. 

She lifted a shapely leg out of the water and ran her hand down its length, checking for stubble. That was something she hadn't had to worry about these past few months sleeping alone, but now she grabbed her shaving cream and razor and began lathering up. 

With her bath finished, Abbey stepped out of the tub and stood naked before the full-length mirror assessing her body critically. All in all, she was pleased with what she saw. Her stomach was still flat, her legs slender, firm and toned and gravity hadn't completely gotten a hold of her full breasts yet. She worked hard to stay in shape and she was happy with the results. Sure she had a few tiny faded stretch marks on her lower belly and breasts that had come from carrying Jed's children and nourishing them from her breasts, but you had to be looking really hard to see them, all that cocoa butter had done its job splendidly. The tiny marks had never bothered her overly much probably because they didn't bother Jed. When she complained about them after a pregnancy, he kissed them calling them her badges of honor to motherhood. The marks that DID bother her were the fading, but still quite visible, burn marks that marred her pale breasts – the spots where Hassan Al Khaleel had pressed his burning cigarette into her flesh. Jed hadn't seen those since he had helped her in the shower at the hospital. Abbey ran her fingers lightly over those scars, remembering the burning pain and Khaleel's maniacal laughter at her screams, at how turned on he was by her pain. Unable to bear her perusal any longer, Abbey closed her silky pajama top over her nude form and prepared for bed. 

**** 

Jed was whistling softly, his steps upbeat as he approached his bedroom. He had tucked the kids in for the night and stayed with them for a long hour after they were sleeping soundly, just watching them and enjoying the fact that they were back with him. Now after a quick meeting with Leo, he was on his way to his bedroom. He opened the door, completely unprepared for the sight of his wife sitting on her side of the bed reading a book. Her reading glasses were perched on the edge of her nose and her damp curly hair was long enough now to be pulled back into a ponytail. Devoid of make up, she looked so pretty and so young. 

"A…Abbey?" 

"Yes, dear?" She knew she'd shocked him. 

"I…uh…I mean…Are you staying here?" 

"In the White House?" 

"In our BEDROOM." 

Abbey nearly smirked at his frustration but kept it inside. 

"It looks that way, doesn't it?" 

"If you don't mind my asking, what changed your mind? You didn't let me within arms length at the farm." 

The lighthearted moment was over. "I did it for the kids. They need stability, not confusion. They didn't know what to think when they came into our bedroom at the farm and you weren't there. I need to stop shifting the ground beneath their feet and give them some constancy and security. There have to be things that they can rely on in their life and one of those things is that their mother and father sleep in the same bedroom and that they are united in a way that will help them. If they come in here and find you alone, it's just going to scare them." 

It wasn't the answer he'd wanted to hear; he'd wanted to hear that she was in that bed because it was where she belonged. But, he wasn't going to complain. Abbey was back in his bed and that was all that mattered. "Sounds like you've put a lot of thought into this." 

Abbey's mind went back to the long hikes in the White Mountains, the solitary walks and rides through the woods at the farm when all she seemed to do was think. "You have no idea. Sometimes I thought things through so much I felt like my head was going to explode. I just…Whatever I did, Jed, was not done on a whim or out of spite. I wanted to do what was best for the kids." 

"I know," he gave her a sad little half smile. "Why do you think I didn't fight you? You're their mother, Abbey, and no matter what kind of pain I might have been going through, I always knew that you had their best interest at heart, even when I didn't agree with you." 

Abbey nodded. The fact that he understood her rationale was certainly a good start. 

"You mind if I take a shower?" 

"No, go ahead. I'm going to read for a little while longer." 

"Okay, then." 

As he disappeared into the bathroom, Abbey had to force herself not to go and check on the twins again. She'd been back in the nursery three times since her bath. She'd tried to tell herself that her children were safe, that the White House was a fortress, that there would be a warning if its walls were penetrated, but her mind could simply not win out over a mother's fear. Being here, back in the White House, she felt like a target. Being here, walking down the same halls, seeing the same faces brought back memories of those last moments of innocence before she'd past through these hallowed doors and walked straight into hell. 

**** 

Abbey was still reading when Jed came out of the bathroom wearing just a towel wrapped low around his hips. She gazed up over the rim of her glasses, her breath catching in her throat. She watched him take a smaller towel and rub it over his hair and then over his chest and for the first time in a long time, she felt like a woman again, like a sexual being. Her husband was a fine specimen of man and she wanted him, not now, not in this moment, but in some visceral sense, she wanted him. She wanted to be the one running her hands over his chest, to press her lips to his warm skin. She wanted to feel those arms holding her close, rocking her and keeping her safe and most of all just loving her. It had been so long since she'd felt that kind of love. The love of a man for his woman. She squeezed her legs together tightly trying to ease the pulsing ache in her most private regions. That ache between her thighs was purely sexual, a healthy body's response to stimuli, but there was a larger ache inside Abbey, the ache in her heart that came from wanting things to be like they had been before the kidnapping. Ached for those nights when Jed made love to her, when he had held her in his arms all night long leaving no doubt in her mind that she was cherished, adored…. loved. 

By the time Jed had his pajama bottoms on, Abbey had laid her book aside, shut her bedside lamp and was lying on her side with her eyes closed. Jed slid into bed beside her and shut off his own lamp. Abbey didn't realize that she was holding her breath until she felt his warm hand run gently over the curve of her hip and she released it, thankful that he had made the first move, that the first "touch" was out of the way and she could relax. 

"Good night, Abbey." 

He knew she wasn't asleep. 

"Good night." She swallowed hard past the lump in her throat. It was good to be back. 

> _I can make you every promise that has ever been made  
>  And I can make all your demons be gone _
> 
> But I'm never gonna make it without you   
> Do you really wanna see me crawl?   
> And I'm never gonna make it like you do   
> Making love out of nothing at all …   
>    ( _Making Love Out of Nothing At All_ by Air Supply)

**** 

They'd started out far apart, their bodies tense as they tried to keep from touching one another. But as they lost the tension and started to fall asleep, their bodies instinctively melded into old patterns of sleep. 

Deep in the night, Abbey awoke with a start, her heart pounding. It wasn't a dream; she'd heard a noise. It was dark in the room and she was disoriented for a moment. Limbs lay heavy over her thighs and her chest and she pushed at them with fear before realizing it was Jed. She was all curled up in Jed's arms, her body knowing exactly where it was supposed to be. Jed grunted at the hard shove against his ribs that she'd given him before realizing who was touching her body. 

"What…What's wrong?" He was groggy, but when he realized that Abbey was pressed up against him instantly awakened. "Are you okay, babe? Did you have another nightmare?" 

"No…I heard something, Jed." 

There it was again, a soft little cry and just as Jed got to his feet to find out what it was, the door to the bedroom opened slowly and one of the agents poked his head in. 

"Sir," he called out softly. "You have a little visitor." 

Jed looked to where the light spilled into the room and saw Aislinn holding her blankie tucked into her fist, her thumb in her mouth and tears streaming down her cheeks. 

"Hey, Sunshine." He moved quickly and knelt in front of her. "Did something scare you?" 

Aislinn nodded. 

"Did you have a bad dream?" 

She shook her head negatively. "No bad dweam." 

"Did you wake up and forget where you were since you aren't at the farm anymore?" 

Aislinn nodded. "I fugguted where I was." She threw her arms around her father's neck and Jed carried her to the bed placing her down between him and Abbey. 

"It's okay, Buttercup," Abbey whispered, her hand running over her daughter's small back. "You can sleep here with me and Daddy tonight." 

Aislinn nodded, gave a loud yawn and promptly closed her pretty sea colored eyes. Jed propped himself up on his elbow to watch her fall asleep. With her little rosebud lips and her tawny lashes curling softly against her doll-like cheeks, his daughter was innocence personified. 

He reached out a finger to trace over the silkiness of her pale blond brows and to gently brush her soft gilt curls back off her delicate forehead. He smiled tenderly as she gave a sleepy smile at his touch, flashing the sweet dimple in her right cheek that she had inherited from her mother. 

"Love child," he murmured. 

"What did you say?" Abbey's voice was husky now, sexy. Her voice was never sexier than when she was sleepy. 

Jed looked up with surprised. He'd been so caught up in his perusal of his daughter that he hadn't realized his wife was still awake. 

"I called her a love child…I've always thought it was strange that only children born out of wedlock are referred to that way. This little girl is a love child, created out the incredible love and need that we have for one another – born into arms that only wanted to hold and love her. I hope that somewhere deep in her soul she feels that love – that it's imprinted on her forever. I hope that she feels it every day in the blood that pumps through her veins – OUR blood, Abbey, yours and mine – creating her in a moment when our bodies and our souls were melded into one and there was no way to tell where you began and I ended. Created in that very moment when our love for each other is at its strongest. And, I hope that she feels that love and that strength all the way to the very marrow of her bones and that it helps to get her get through the times when she is most scared." 

Abbey had to take a few moments before answering. Her husband could certainly wax poetic when the mood struck; it was something that she'd always loved about him. He had an Irish soul, sentimental to the core. 

"All our children are love children, Jed. How could they not be?" And, for the first time since she found out that her husband's actions had been behind her kidnapping, Abbey reached out for him, placing her hand over his where it lay on their small daughter's shoulder. "Love is an ingredient that was never missing in the conception of any of our children, and even more than that, it was never an ingredient missing in their lives. They know they're loved, Jed. How can they not?" 

Jed nodded looking down at where her smaller hand lay over his, at the engagement and wedding rings that still gleamed on her finger; his rings. Never in all that had come between them had she taken them off and he hoped against hope that there was meaning behind that – that deep inside, Abbey had never wavered on the strength of their marriage. 

It didn't take long for Aislinn to fall asleep snuggled in between her loving parents, listening to their comforting voices murmuring over her head. She felt more safe and secure than she had in a very long time. No one could hurt her when she was with her mommy and daddy, not even the monsters in her dreams. 


	21. Finding Our Way Back Home

Jed woke first in the morning. Unlike his wife, it had been a long time since he'd slept with little arms and legs thrown across his body. He'd awakened to find that sometime in the night Nicholas had joined the family in their big bed and was sleeping sideways with one foot jammed up under Jed's chin and the big toe of his other in his ear. He gently disengaged himself from his son and sat up rubbing the sleep from his eyes. Abbey was sprawled out on her stomach, one arm over Aislinn, the other over Nicky's chest, protecting them even as she slept. The soft curls of her hair fell to the side exposing the slender column of her neck. There was something so sweet, so vulnerable about the gentle curve there. He yearned to lean down the way that he had done so many times in the past to wake her, kissing her where her neck met her shoulder, letting his lips linger on the warm soft delicate skin. A lot of times that led to amorous, sleepy morning sex. But, Jed wasn't looking for that – not now, not yet – he just wanted to press his lips to her skin, for some way to make a more intimate contact with the woman who his wife, the mother of his children. Instead, he yawned and climbed out of bed leaving his family all curled up asleep together. 

By the time he finished shaving, Jed had talked himself into gently awakening his wife. However, when he re-entered the room he found his bed empty, the messed up blankets on the bed the only evidence that Abbey and the twins had been sleeping there. They were gone. It was ridiculous for that idea to send such a shaft of panic through Jed. Abbey certainly had not come home for only one day; she was probably in the nursery changing diapers or in the kitchen. Still, he couldn't help the inevitable anxiety that arose when he thought of his wife, wondering how long she was going to stay, wondering how long until he was pitched back into that dark abyss of loneliness and despair. 

For the first time in a long time, Jed quickly dressed and made his way toward the Residence kitchen. Since Abbey had been gone, he'd been ordering his breakfast up from the White House kitchen and eating it right in the bedroom; but for the past few weeks, eating a big breakfast alone had just been too depressing and he'd taken to eating the kids' Cheerios. But, now his nose carried him down the hall. Whatever Abbey was cooking smelled delicious. 

Sure enough, he found Abbey in her bathrobe standing at the stove scrambling eggs. The kids sat in their high chairs dangling their fuzzy-slippered feet, eating their bananas and chattering away while waiting for their breakfast. Panda and Max noticed him first, both padding over to greet him with wagging tails and lapping tongues. 

"Daddy." This time his name was uttered with indignation as his son spotted him petting the dogs. "Where my Cheewios?" 

"What do you mean YOUR Cheerios, little guy. I believe it's MY salary that pays for those Cheerios." 

"Mumma say you eated them all," he accused with narrowed eyes. 

"Well, I guess I probably did." 

"Daddy, I want Cheewios." Aislinn added her two cents. 

"Well, sorry guys but I can't just run out to the store and buy you some Cheerios. I'll make sure the kitchen staff knows we're out and somebody will pick some up for you." 

"Now?" Aislinn asked. 

"No, not now," Jed ruffled her hair with a grin. 

"No, now you're going to have scrambled eggs." Abbey approached them with platefuls of fluffy yellow eggs. 

"Mmm…" Jed sniffed appreciatively. "You got enough of that for me?" 

"Nope, sorry, all out of scrambled eggs." 

Aislinn watched her father's face drop. "Daddy, you can has some of my eggs." She picked up a handful and thrust it at him. 

"Aislinn, you eat your eggs." Abbey pushed her hand back toward her plate. "It's your daddy's lucky day. We might be all out of scrambled eggs but I did save enough to make him an omelet." 

"Oooh…even better." He rubbed his hands together with anticipation. "What did you put in it?" 

"Your favorites, green peppers, ham, mushrooms and cheese." 

"Muswooms is YUCKY," Nicky told him as he mashed a handful of ketchup doused eggs into his mouth. 

"Yeah?" 

"Yeah." Both Nicholas and Aislinn nodded knowingly at him. 

"Well, then it's a good thing that nobody asked YOU two to eat them. It's all for me." 

"And me." Abbey told him. 

"And your mother." 

"And I hope I don't have to do this too often." 

"Do what?" Jed grabbed the browned pieces of toast that popped out of the toaster and started to butter them. 

"Cook. After four months the novelty has worn off again, I'm ready for someone to do my cooking and cleaning. It's time to get this government up and running again." 

Jed took the hint. "I'll do my best, dearheart." 

**** 

"CJ!" 

CJ turned to see Abbey Bartlet making her way toward her in workout clothes, tight bicycle shorts and a spandex tank top, her hair pulled back into a short ponytail. 

"Mrs. Bartlet." Her smile was tentative. Like everyone else, she wasn't sure what to make of Abbey Bartlet's return. 

"On your way to the morning briefing?" 

"Yes, ma'am." 

"Can you tell them the First Lady's making chicken." 

CJ looked at her puzzled. "Ma'am?" 

"Tonight's state dinner will be just the British Prime Minister and his wife, joining us in the Residence. We'll be having Coronation chicken – the Queen's own recipe. I thought someone in the press pool might want to watch me dress a nice bird." 

CJ nodded. Abbey was back and ready to start pulling her weight again. That WAS good news. "Yes, ma'am. Mrs. Bartlet, it's good to have you back." 

"I think I might actually be able to say that it's good to be back." Abbey started to leave, then turned back to face the woman who had become such a good friend. "I had to go away, you know." 

"You don't owe me any explanations." 

"No, I don't owe anyone anything, but I would like to try to explain. It's just…Staying here was too much; it was too in your face. I just couldn't be everything to everyone. I couldn't be my children's mother, Jed's wife AND the First Lady, on top of everything else. I was drowning here." 

CJ placed a hand on Abbey's arm knowing exactly what she meant by everything else – the fact that she and the girls had been an emotional mess, the fact that she was terrified. "For what it's worth, Abbey. I think you did the right thing." 

Abbey's eyes widened with surprise. "You do." 

CJ nodded. "While you were gone, most of the members of the press were like a bunch of vultures." CJ would never forget some of the crass and heartless questions that she had been asked. 

"If you'd stayed here, they never would have left you or the girls alone. You got them away from here and now Aislinn is speaking again, Zoey has matured into a lovely young woman, and you're looking very well. You did good, Abbey." 

"Thank you, CJ, I really appreciate you telling me that. I'm sure a lot of the staff was angry with me for 'running away'. I'm glad you weren't one of them." 

"It's been a really bumpy road, but I hope you know that we are ALL behind both you and the President." 

"That's nice to hear. Thanks." Abbey threw her towel over her shoulder and continued on toward the gym for her workout. 

**** 

Abbey felt more like Julia Child than she did the First Lady as she hammed it up for the camera preparing the evening meal dressed in a skirt, blouse and requisite pearls. The members of the press were eating it up. They'd always heard the First Lady say she enjoyed cooking and friends had said she was a "gourmet" caliber cook, but they'd never been witness to Abigail Bartlet in a kitchen. 

"Are the children going to dine on Coronation chicken with you and the Blairs tonight?" a reporter asked. 

"No, the children will be in bed probably long before we have our supper. Nicholas, Aislinn and Leo Blair will be dining on macaroni and cheese with a cracker crust topping and possibly some all-American gourmet Fenway Franks. Milk will be the beverage of choice." Abbey slipped the chicken into the oven and turned to grin at the camera as they wrapped things up. 

"Ma'am," Amy called from the living room. "You might want to see this." 

Abbey stepped into the living room and looked at the TV where CNN was showing her husband marching his way up to Capitol Hill, pausing every so often to shake a hand or grin at a burst of cheers. Abbey felt a smile tug at her lips. She could tell from the squared shoulders, the confident swagger, the determined eyes, that Jed Bartlet was back and ready to kick a little Republican butt. 

A little later, happy with the positive news footage for both her and Jed, she made her way down to the Oval Office to congratulate him on a job well done. 

"Can you believe the way that SHE just waltzed right back in here and picked up where she left off? Like nothing ever happened." 

Abbey froze around the corner. She knew just who "SHE" was. 

"And after all that she did to that poor man." 

"Taking his children and leaving. She nearly destroyed him. I've never seen him so sad and lonely." 

"It would have served her right if he'd found someone else to ease the loneliness." 

Abbey's blood began to boil at the soft knowing laughter. 

"I know I'd have eased his loneliness, in a HEARTBEAT. That is one FINE looking man. I can only say that if I ever had him in MY bed, I'd certainly never throw him out." 

"Don't you girls have some WORK to do?" The sharp tone of Debbie Fiderer stopped Abbey in her tracks just as she was about to confront the gossiping little bitches. 

"Oh…um…yes, ma'am." They scrambled to get back to their desks. 

Abbey smiled at their obvious discomfort. Debbie ran a tight ship. 

"Oh, and ladies. We do NOT gossip about the President of the United States – not about his sex life, your fantasies of a sex life with him, or about the First Lady." 

"Debbie…come on, we didn't mean anything, we were just…" 

"I know what you were JUST doing. Who exactly do you think you are to judge that poor woman with all that she went through? Have any of you ever spent three days at the mercy of terrorists? Have any of you ever watched your child's arm be broken right in front of you? Have any of you ever been stuffed in a closet and left to die?" 

The room went silent with shame as Debbie's words sunk in. 

"That's exactly what I thought. Now, get back to WORK." 

Abbey's anger subsided as she listened to Debbie's tongue lashing and a feeling of warmth spread through her chest. She'd tarred and feathered all of Jed's staff with the same brush, her anger clouding her judgment of them. Now after seeing CJ and hearing Debbie, she realized that she might have more allies in the building than she thought she did. 

"Mrs. Bartlet!" Debbie's eyes widened with surprise as Abbey Bartlet approached her husband's office. 

"Hello, Debbie. The President back yet?" 

Debbie felt a moment of relief. Abbey was so cool; there was no way she could have heard what had been said just outside this room. 

"Uh, yes, just few minutes ago." 

"Is it okay if I go in?" 

"Yeah, he's alone… Mrs. Bartlet, it's good to have you back." 

"Thanks, Debbie." Abbey stopped at the door to the Oval and looked back over her shoulder. "Oh, and thanks for what you said out there. You saved those women a few stiletto holes in the butt." 

Debbie watched the First Lady disappear into the Oval Office with a pleased grin. Abbey Bartlet was one hot ticket and she was glad that the depressed President had his fiery little wife back. She was just what the doctor ordered. 

Abbey only had a few moments to congratulate her husband on the stunning turn of events when Leo knocked and entered the room. 

"Mr. President. The Speaker is here." 

"Okay." Abbey and Jed rose from their chairs. 

"I guess it's time for me to get dressed for dinner. Tony and Cherie will be here in two hours. They're coming early so Leo can have some play time with Aislinn and Nicky before bed. Jed, try not to be late." 

"I won't." 

Abbey tossed him a look indicating that he better not be and left through the Portico while Jed put on his suit jacket. 

"You sure you want to do this one on one?" 

Jed knew that Leo thought he was some kind of loose cannon at the moment. But, that couldn't be further from the truth, he was completely focused and centered on the task at hand. "I'll be fine." 

"You can expect him to be very..." 

Now Jed was getting impatient. He'd never been incompetent, not even at his darkest moments and he cut Leo off mid-sentence. "I'll be fine" 

Leo nodded and gave a little half smile before turning to leave. Jed had done a 360-degree turn since Abbey returned and that was going to take some getting used to. 

Jed felt a pang of remorse at the way he was brushing Leo off. It wasn't as if Leo SHOULDN'T have concerns; he hadn't exactly been the most forthcoming person over the past few months and he certainly hadn't been the greatest leader. Leo had been forced to pick up an awful lot of the slack. 

"Leo? These last months, thank you. Thank you for everything." 

Leo smiled warmly. "I'm just glad everything's back the way it should be." 

"Well, not quite yet," Jed amended. "But I'm gonna be working on that." 

"I've no doubt you will prevail, sir." 

**** 

Dinner was a great success. Jed was ebullient after his _High Noon_ standoff with Jeff Haffley. The smug little bastard had been so damn sure of himself. So sure he had the President of the United States right where he wanted him – between a rock and a hard place. But, he had underestimated Jed Bartlet, as many did, seeing only his affability and his charm and had made the mistake of trying to hold a gun to his head. However, WITH that gun held firmly to his head, it was Jed who had stared the other man straight in the eye and forced him to blink; Jed who had been able to pressure him into keeping an agreement that should never have been broken in the first place. 

Adding to the enjoyment of the evening was the fact that Abbey and Jed had always gotten along famously with Tony and Cherie Blair. The couples had a lot in common. They were of a similar age and generation and both had struggled with the demands of two highly powered careers conflicting with the needs of their young children. Tony and Jed shared similar political ideologies and Abbey and Cherie were two extremely intelligent women who excelled in careers outside their husband's sphere of influence – and in the process, both earned substantially more money than their high achieving public servant husbands – and both had recently gone through mid-life pregnancies. At a little over 3½, little Leo Blair was only eight months older than his American counterparts, Aislinn and Nicholas Bartlet, and would be spending the night in the nursery with the twins while his parents spent the night in the Lincoln bedroom. 

Dinner was not the stuffy formal affair that these get-togethers usually were. The government was up and running again, but the staff would not be back to work until the following day. So, there were no tuxedoed stewards serving dinner and pouring wine, no interpreters needed, no cameras, press or toasts. The whole feel of the evening was different, as if they were just two couples – friends – having supper together. 

Abbey found herself enjoying the evening immensely. She'd been banging around in jeans and sweaters at the farm, and that had been nice, but she also enjoyed dressing up. She'd had a lot of fun anticipating the night ahead, choosing what to wear and fixing her hair and make up. And, after four months spent pretty much solely in the company of her children, she was nearly starved for adult conversation and behavior, disagreements being worked out through compromise as opposed to applesauce being thrown in the face. Just the idea of Jed and Tony throwing applesauce at each other caused a smile to curve on her lips. 

Across the table, Jed watched the soft smile cross Abbey's face and fought the urge to place his hand over hers on the table. It had been far too long since he'd sat across a candlelit table from his wife watching the flames dance in her copper hair and flicker with light in her gorgeous green eyes. Far too long since he'd watched her talk and laugh with ease. Tonight, she was so like the old Abbey he could almost forget the fragile state of their relationship, almost forget that she wasn't the same woman that she had been four months ago. Almost, but not quite. A part of him held back, afraid to hope, afraid to want too much, afraid to push her further away. 

"Sir, Ma'am, the children are ready to say goodnight." 

Four pairs of beaming parental eyes turned to take in the three tow-headed children who entered the room in their pajamas. 

"Is _Finding Nemo_ all finished?" Abbey asked, pulling her son up onto her lap. 

"All finished," Nicholas agreed snuggling into her chest. "I not seepy, Mumma. I pay with Azlin n' Leo." 

"I think you, Aislinn and Leo have played plenty and now it's time for you all to go to bed." 

Nicholas scrambled down off his mother's lap and moved to his father. "I NOT seepy, Daddy." 

"So I heard," Jed grinned. 

Nicholas cast his mother a baleful look then turned hopeful eyes on Jed. "I pay with you?" 

"Isn't it amazing how fast they learn the art of playing you off each other," Tony laughed. 

Jed nodded with a smile, then looked down at his little boy. "I believe your mother told you that it's time for bed. You know what that means." 

"Time…for…bed…" Aislinn crossed her arms over her chest in a fair imitation of her father that caused the room to erupt with laughter. 

Overcome suddenly with shyness at the attention she was receiving, Aislinn giggled and ran to her father's leg clutching on tightly. "I all keen, Daddy…nice and keen." 

"Mmm…you ARE clean," Jed inhaled the scent of the bubble gum bubble bath. "And you smell good enough to eat." 

Aislinn giggled uproariously as her father pretended to munch on her neck, his rough beard tickling her delicate skin. 

"Tuck me in?" Leo Blair stood before his mother. 

"Tuck me in?" Not to be outdone, Nicholas Bartlet stood before his mother. 

"Why don't we all tuck them in?" Jed swung a still laughing Aislinn up onto his shoulders then tucked Nicholas under his arm and they all headed to the nursery where a day bed had been set up for young Leo, who was having a very good time with his new American friends. 

"Wanna hear payers, Leo?" Aislinn leaned over the side of her crib to look at her new friend and Abbey could swear she was batting her eyes at him. 

"Okay, Aislinn." Leo stared intently at the little girl who angelically placed her hands together the way she had been taught. 

Cherie Blair leaned down with a smile and whispered to Abbey. "I think we may have a budding future romance here." 

"Wouldn't that be something." 

"Mumma, PAYERS." Nicholas was obviously ready to go, his hands in the same sweet triangle as his sister. 

"Okay, okay. Sorry." Abbey turned to Jed and together they started one of the three different prayers they did with the children at night, Aislinn and Nicholas chiming in loudly. 

"Mathew, Mark, Luke and John. Bless the bed that I lie on. Four corners to my bed, four angels round my head." 


	22. Finding Our Way Back Home

"NICHOLAS JOSIAH BARTLET, what on EARTH were you THINKING?! You're a NAUGHTY little boy." 

Jed was on his way to breakfast when he heard the commotion coming from the bathroom off the kids' nursery and Abbey's voice raised sharply in anger. 

"Nicky BAAAADDD…." His daughter was wailing. "Save Wain, Mumma…Save Wain." 

"I'm trying, Aislinn," Abbey snapped. "Oh, God, look at this mess! Both of you get out of this bathroom now before you get soaked. Dogs OUT!" 

Jed poked his head around the corner and found Abbey on her knees with her arm jammed into the toilet, the water overflowing and flooding the room. She looked harried and about at her wits end. 

"Daddy! Mumma MAD!" Nicholas threw himself at his father for some comfort. "Mumma yelled at me! She's MEAN!" 

"Yes, well tell him what you did to make me yell." Abbey was tugging at something now, her pajamas soaked. 

"I fush de toilet." 

"WIF WAAAAINNNN!" Aislinn wailed again, her whole face scrunching up in anguish. 

"You know, Abbey, you're not a single parent," Jed chastised her, feeling a bit hurt and left out. "You can ask me for help." 

Abbey closed her eyes and pulled her arm out of the toilet. "Help." The word was barely a whisper but it had Jed putting the children down and joining her. 

"So, tell me what I'm yanking out of here this time." He had already survived the three toddlerhoods of his elder daughters and had become a veteran at digging out the myriad of things children liked to flush down the toilet. 

"One of Aislinn's plastic horse figures. Rain, her favorite one, the paint from that _Spirit_ movie she loves so much." 

"Waaaaiiiinnn…"Aislinn sniffed her sobs turning to soft hiccups. 

Jed nodded and lifted his shirtsleeve. "Clear the way, I'm going in." 

Abbey watched his face furrow with concentration and the way he bit his lip as he sank his arm in and began to search. Finally, she saw triumph fill his eyes as his fingers clutched onto a leg and he yanked the horse out with gusto. 

"TA DA! Here she is saved from almost certain death by drowning." Grinning Jed held up the wet, bedraggled horse figurine, its mane dripping. 

"Wain!" Aislinn raced forward to grab her favorite spotted pony but Abbey stopped her. 

"Don't even think about it, little miss. That horse needs to be boiled sterile before you're playing with her again." 

"I WUVS you, Daddy!" She beamed up at her father with hero worship. 

"Mumma say I's bad." Nicholas sadly buried his face in Jed's pant leg. 

"Well, buddy," Jed lifted him into his arms unable to resist the pitiful little boy. "What you did was a bad thing. You could have lost your sister's toy. She loves Rain just like you love Tigger. Wouldn't you be upset if Aislinn tried to flush Tigger away down the toilet?" 

Nicholas nodded miserably. He truly hadn't meant to upset his sister or hurt her toy. He just like to watch things mysteriously disappear down the toilet. 

"You need to treat other peoples things the same way want your things treated– And look at the mess that you've made." 

Nicholas turned his watery eyes to the pool of water on the bathroom floor and the soggy carpets. 

"And, I believe the word that I used was naughty, not bad." Abbey was throwing towels on the floor trying to sop up the mess. "It was your sister who called you bad. You need to tell Aislinn you're sorry for almost losing her horse." 

"I didn't twy to make mess, Mumma. I just wanna see da horsie 'pin. N'…n'…n' den all da water comed up and you YELLED." 

Abbey shook her head. She didn't know what it was about the way things spun and disappeared down a toilet that children seemed to find so absolutely fascinating. She'd had jewelry, perfume and hair clips flushed down the toilet and Jed had had watches, razors and shoes. There had been a time between Ellie and Zoey that they'd been on a first name basis with the Roto-Rooter guy. Still, she couldn't REALLY fault the boy. He had been showing curiosity and it hadn't been done maliciously. 

"I know you didn't do it on purpose. But haven't I told you not to flush ANYTHING down the toilet but toilet paper?" 

Nicholas stuck his thumb in his mouth and nodded. 

"This is why I tell you not to do that. The toilet can get jammed up and then we're stuck with a big mess." 

"What do you say to your mother?" Jed prodded. 

"I's sowy, Mumma." 

"I know you are, sweetheart." She kissed his forehead. "Just don't do it again. Now, do you have something to say to Aislinn?" 

Jed put the little boy down and he padded over to where his sister sat on the floor clutching another one of her beloved horse figurines. As he approached her, Aislinn clutched the horse more tightly, clearly afraid he was going to take this one away from her, too. 

"Azlin, I not fush your horsie down da toilet…I's sowy." He leaned his head forward waiting for her kiss of forgiveness. Aislinn paused for a few moments, not sure if she was quite ready to forgive and forget. But, this was Nicky, her brother, her beloved twin, the boy she had shared a womb with for almost nine months, the boy with whom she had a connection so strong, so complete that it was almost mystical. There was no way that she could keep a grudge with him. He was her best friend and in spite of their spats, she loved him with all her little heart. 

"Okay." She leaned forward and kissed his forehead as she had seen her mother do. 

"Well," Jed threw the last of the wet towels into the hamper. "Now that this little crisis is over, I'm going to go wash up again." But, before he left he placed a hand gently on Abbey's shoulder. "I meant what I said earlier. I know that you've been alone with the kids for awhile, but you aren't alone anymore. I'm here for you. I'm here for them." 

Abbey swallowed tightly then hid her emotions with a sassy little smile. "Good, I have a meeting with members of 'Emily's List' tonight. I was going to have to be late because of putting the kids to bed, but if you can work it out that you can be there I won't have to worry." 

"Why can't Izzy tuck the twins in?" 

"Because it's not that easy anymore. Aislinn needs me. She NEEDS her routine if she's going to fall into a nightmare free sleep. Four stories before her prayers, one has to be _Stellaluna_ , one _Goodnight Moon_ , the others are negotiable. She needs two nightlights left on, her blankie and the Ariel doll you gave her tucked in with her, and she needs to be sung to and to have her back rubbed until she falls asleep, DEEP sleep." 

"You have to do that every night?" 

Abbey nodded. "We have a traumatized child, Jed. Just because she's talking again doesn't mean the terror is completely gone. She's getting better, MUCH better. When I first got her to the farm if I so much as stubbed my toe, it sent her into a panic attack. She had horrible nightmares and would wake up nearly hysterical. She ended up in my bed almost every night. She's made a HUGE amount of progress, but she isn't out of the woods yet. She needs me– us–" 

Jed almost missed it, that one significant little word that started to crack the wall that he had built around his heart at Abbey's return – "us". It was such a tiny word but it meant the world to him. It gave him hope. "I'll make sure that I'm back here to tuck her in tonight." 

"Okay, then. Thank you." 

**** 

"Daddy, where you been?" Aislinn was standing in the doorway to the nursery all ready for bed. She wore a pretty pink nightgown that was decorated with sparkling silver snowflakes and her cheeks were flushed and rosy from her bath, her blond curls still damp. Her little feet, peeking out from under her nightgown, were encased in fuzzy pink slippers that had embroidered pictures of _Ariel the Little Mermaid_ on the top. She held a stack of books in her arms. Sugar and spice and everything nice, that was the embodiment of his little Aislinn. 

Abbey stood next to her daughter in a silk kimono bathrobe looking at her watch with a raised brow sent his way. Her hair was done, her make up done but she wasn't dressed yet. 

"Sorry I'm late, Sunshine." He bent to kiss Aislinn's head tucking strands of hair behind her ears, the tenderness in the gesture causing Abbey's irritation to deflate. Then, he stood, his apologetic eyes falling on her. "Sorry I'm late, Abbey." 

"Debbie called. She said you were in a meeting but Aislinn didn't want to be alone with Izzy until you got here." 

"I been WAITING!" 

"Me too." Nicholas got to his feet from where he had been playing with his Lincoln Logs on the floor. He, too, was fresh from his bath, his blue _Thomas the Train_ pajamas bringing out the deep cerulean color of his eyes. 

"Well, I'm here now, reporting for story duty." 

Aislinn took his hand and started tugging him toward the bean bag chairs on the floor. 

Abbey waited until Jed was settled in the beanbag chair, both kids on his lap. "Okay, if you guys are all set I'm going to go finish getting ready for my meeting. I need some kisses." 

Both children dutifully lifted their chins to their mother so she could kiss them lightly on their lips. There was something so comforting to Aislinn in being held in her father's strong arms and being surrounded by the scent of her mother's flowery perfume and the gentle fragrance of her hair. Aislinn adored her mother, thought she was more beautiful than any Princess she'd ever seen, craved her gentle touch, but she also worshipped her father, felt safe being held in his arms and listening to his deep soothing voice. It was so good to be here with the both of them, although she did miss the farm. Missed running around playing in the fields, missed picking apples in the orchards and getting hayrides from Henry on the old tractor, missed riding doubled up with her mother on her mother's big horse, Aquinnah, missed going out in the rowboat on the pond and tossing bread to the ducks, missed walking in the woods gathering pine cones and seeing mother deer with their spotted baby fawns, missed feeding the chickens and helping Henry gather eggs, missed chasing the barn cats around bales of hay and watching the herds of cows be driven in at milking time. There was a lot to miss at the farm, but as much as she had loved it there, she had missed her father more. It was better to be with him here in this place where she didn't have the freedom to run and play and miss the farm, than it was to be at the farm with all the fun and freedom and miss her daddy so much that it hurt sometimes. Besides, Mommy said that it wouldn't be long now until they would be back living at the farm FOREVER. She could wait. As long as her mommy and daddy were together, she would have the patience to wait for that day and then they would ALL have fun on the farm. 

"Okay, which story first?" 

" _Mermaid_." Aislinn grinned up at him thrusting a brightly colored book under his nose. 

"I think we have a bit of a theme going here, Sunshine." Jed took in his daughter's slippers and the doll she held in her arms. 

"Azlin like _Wittle Mermaid_ ," Nicky told him. 

"Wanna BE a Mermaid, Daddy." 

"Really? You want to live under the sea?" 

"Uh huh," she nodded. "N' I can be fwiends wif Flounder." 

"Well, that sounds like a lot of fun. But, remember the bad thing about being a mermaid?" 

"URSULA." Both Aislinn and Nicholas were sure they had the right answer. 

"Well, yes, she could be a bad thing, too. But I was talking about how mermaids can't come and live out here on the land, and if you went away and lived under the sea, wouldn't you miss me and Mommy and Nicky? 'Cause we'd sure miss you." 

Aislinn's eyes got wide. She hadn't thought about that. Ariel's daddy lived under the sea, but HER daddy didn't. 

"I don't wanna be a mermaid, Daddy." 

"Well, you don't have to be a mermaid to swim under the sea. You can be a marine biologist or an oceanographer and then you can spend your life near and on the ocean." 

"I swim wif fishies?" 

"Yup, you can use deep sea diving gear to swim with the dolphins and whales and fish." 

"I be bijust." 

"Marine biologist." 

"M'ween bijust," Aislinn nodded definitively. 

Jed smiled tenderly down at her. "You are so much like your Mama." 

"Mumma not bijust. Mumma gogtor." 

"Yes, she is a doctor, but she had to take a LOT of biology classes to get there. I just meant that your mother loves the ocean as much as you do." 

"She does?" 

"Yes, she does. Your mommy grew up on the beach. A long time ago her relatives, and yours, sailed the seven seas. They were privateers and sea captains, and their blood must run very strong through your veins. It's no wonder you feel the pull. Your mother loved growing up on the ocean. She, Aunt Millie, Aunt Jane, and Aunt Nora spent their summers on the beaches and when your mom was old enough one of her summer jobs was helping out on whale watches." 

Aislinn and Nicky both spoke at once. 

"What's a whale watch, Daddy?" 

"Who Aunt Nora?" 

"Well, a whale watch is when you take a boat deep out into the ocean and look for whales. Would you like to do that this summer when we go back to Maine?" 

Excitement sparkled in Aislinn's eyes. "I wanna see BIG whales." 

"Okay, then. We'll make sure a whale watch is on the agenda. And…" Jed looked down at Nicholas who was waiting patiently for his answer. "Aunt Nora was your mother's cousin. You've never met her. She went away when she was seventeen and your mom has never seen her again. She missed her a lot for a long time." 

"Where she go?" Nicky frowned. He didn't like the idea of people disappearing. That had happened with his mother once and it had been very, very scary. 

Jed's eyes got dark. He had never met Nora O'Neill, but he knew her story. "Something bad happened to her and she went away to become a nun." 

"What's a nun, Daddy?" 

"A nun is a woman who dedicates her entire life to serving God. Like a priest." 

"I see pweist in church. Why can't Mommy see her?" 

"Because Aunt Nora went to a convent." 

"What's a convent?" 

"It's a big place where nuns go to live. Her convent is far away and it's the kind of convent where the nuns don't leave. Aunt Nora has never left there." Jed couldn't stifle the sad sigh at the tragic life of his wife's elder cousin. Thirty-six years. Thirty-six years Nora O'Neill had lived in a strict Carmelite convent deep in the woods of northern Michigan, on the border of Canada, secluded from the world and from her family, doing penance for a sin that should long ago have been forgiven. 

"Daddy…" Nicholas pulled on his shirt. "WEAD." 

"Okay, okay, you don't have to be so gosh darn bossy." The kids giggled at their dad's good-natured grumbling and snuggled up against his chest for story time. 

**** 

"You ready to go, Abbey?" Amy asked. 

Abbey surveyed herself once more in the floor length mirror. "Ready as I'll ever be." She picked up her briefcase and followed Amy out the door. Halfway down the hall, her maternal instincts kicked in and she decided to poke her head in the nursery for one more check. She smiled at the silence in the room, saw the kids sleeping soundly in their toddler half-bed/half cribs with Jed seated across from them in a straight-backed chair sound asleep. He was snoring softly, his head propped on his elbow, his hair falling across his brow, ever vigilant…a father on guard. 

"Abbey, is everything okay?" Amy asked. 

"Everything is just fine." 

**** 

Jed was in the living room, kicking back on the couch rooting for the Bruins on ESPN, when a particularly vicious howl from the wind caused his eyes to move to the windows. They were having one hell of a winter storm, the wind reaching gale force. With the next eerie howl came a flicker of the lights and then sudden darkness. Jed froze. They lost power often out at the farm but he always knew where Abbey kept the candles and the hurricane lamps. Here, he was lost. 

"Sir," His agent poked a head in. "Just stay put the emergency generator will kick on momentarily." 

"Okay." 

Jed stayed sprawled on the couch until the first bloodcurdling scream erupted from the nursery. For a minute he was confused. He'd done everything he was told. He'd read the books, said the prayers, rubbed her back and sang to her until he was hoarse, he'd made sure her night lights – Oh GOD – the nightlights. His baby girl was in pitch black DARKNESS. He jumped to his feet cracking his shin hard against the coffee table. A searing pain shot through his leg but he ignored it and continued to run for the door. He banged his toe on the corner of the doorway as he threw open the door but again ignored the pain, his one thought to get to his terrified daughter. Aislinn's screams were horrific; never in his life had he heard her scream like that. 

"It's okay, Ash, Daddy's coming." Jed was shouting at he ran down the hall, but Aislinn couldn't hear him over her hysterical screams for her mommy and daddy. He flung open the door and raced to the crib, his one thought to comfort his child, knowing instinctively to alert her as to who he was. 

"Aislinn, honey, it's Daddy." He lifted her tiny form from the crib. 

"DADDY!!!!" she shrieked and clung to him her legs and arms wrapping around him like an octopus. 

"It's okay, it's okay now, baby girl. Daddy's got you." 

"Turn on da lights! Turn on da LIGHTS!" 

"It won't be long now, sweetheart, I promise. You don't have to be afraid. Daddy's here now. Nothing's going to hurt you." 

"Da bad men, da bad men, da bad men." 

"They can't hurt you, baby girl. They're gone. Daddy's not going to let anyone hurt you." 

Suddenly, Aislinn's hysteria took a new turn. Where was her mother? The bad men always took her away in the dark and hurt her. They made her cry. 

"Mumma…Mumma….Da bad men gots my MUMMA…" 

"No, honey, no..." Jed's heart was breaking; he could honestly feel it breaking in his chest. "The bad men are gone. They aren't hurting your mother and they aren't going to hurt you." 

"Where my Mumma?" Jed heard Nicky's plaintive cry for his mother. 

"I'm right here," Abbey was breathless. She'd run all the way from the East Wing back to the Residence as soon as the power had gone out. She knew something like this was going to happen. Thankfully, the emergency generator had kicked on and the dim emergency lights lit her way back. Those lights did not extend to the bedrooms and the nursery was as dark as a cave, as dark as those horrible nights in the trailer. Abbey left the door open to let in some light, lifted Nicholas from his crib and carried him over to sit on the beanbags with Jed and Aislinn. 

"Mumma, da bad men…" Aislinn hiccupped. In the dim light from the hall, Abbey could see her baby girl's ravaged face, blotchy and swollen from crying and covered in sweat, tears and mucus from her running nose. The front of Jed's shirt was soaked with it. 

"No, baby…No. The bad men are gone forever. They'll never come and take you away from me in the dark again." Abbey's voice caught with emotion as she flash backed to Azeem's harsh words "Take the little one" and the feel of Aislinn being ripped kicking and screaming from her arms. 

After rubbing her back for a few minutes, Abbey got to her feet and went to the bathroom. She returned with a cool wet face cloth that she gently ran over her daughter's face mopping up the mess of her hysteria. 

"I'm so glad you came back, Abbey." Now it was Jed's voice that was wracked with emotion. Abbey could tell he was fighting back tears. "I couldn't calm her down. She was so terrified. I've never heard her scream like that before. It was bloodcurdling." 

"I have," Abbey said softly, as she continued to rub the soothing cloth over her daughter's hot swollen face. 

"When?" Jed gently asked. 

Abbey took a deep breath uncertain about telling him. As always she opted for the truth. "Those were the screams of her nightmares the first month at the farm. But, the first time I heard them was when Hassan Al Khaleel ripped her from the safety of my arms. She meant nothing to him; he treated her like she was a bag of trash, dangling her as if she wasn't made of flesh and blood, as if she couldn't break. She was so terrified and I was screaming and begging him to stop and…and he just laughed…the son of bitch just LAUGHED. And…and then he just dropped her…and she did break." Abbey's voice broke then. For so long she'd wanted to share this with him and been terrified to do so all at the same time. 

"Oh, God…Oh, Abbey…" The tears he had been holding back now ran freely down Jed's cheeks, dripping from his chin and mingling with his daughters on his shirt. "What…what kind of person can do that to a CHILD?" 

"He wasn't a person, Jed. Hassan Al Khaleel was an ANIMAL, pure and simple. No, that's giving him too much credit. Animals don't inflict pain for the pure pleasure of it. They don't achieve sexual satisfaction over making their prey cower and beg; they don't think of sadistic ways to torture their victims before killing them. Hassan Al Khaleel wasn't good enough to be an animal. He was a psychopath." 

Jed shivered at the idea of his family in the clutches of a man like that. "I can't tell you how glad I am that he's dead." His voice was vehement, filled with a deep hatred he'd only known for one other man – Marcus Hughes. "I held a gun on him, you know. While he was laying there with two bullet holes already in him, I held a gun trained right on his face." 

Abbey was shocked. "You did? Where on earth did you get a gun?" 

"I was standing beside an agent – the suspects were all in custody – he never expected ME to go for his gun. But, Khaleel…he made some comments and I guess I went a little crazy. I grabbed that agent's gun and I had it pointed right at him." 

"What stopped you from killing him?" 

"I'd like to say my conscience, but the truth is he died of blood loss before I could fire the final bullet." 

"I'm glad." 

"Are you?" 

"Yes, because no matter what he did to us, you'd have a very hard time living with taking another man's life." 

"I did take another man's life, Abbey." Jed's voice was flat, devoid of emotion. 

"Yes," Abbey said softly. "And look what it's done to you." 

Jed turned pain-filled eyes her way, hating and loving her perception at the same time. Both knew that this was a conversation they should have had a year ago, or at the very least four months ago, but now was not the time. Aislinn's sobs had calmed into sniffles but she still clung to Jed, and Nicholas was lying on the bean bag chair sucking his thumb sleepily. The children had to come first. 

"I'm going to go warm up some milk for Aislinn to try to get her back to sleep. We'll have to take them back with us to bed." 

Jed nodded and snuggled more tightly around his daughter wanting only to make her feel safe and secure. 

By the time Abbey returned with the mugs and a bottle of warm milk, she found Jed sound asleep sprawled across the bean bag chairs. Aislinn was draped over his chest, her head tucked up under his chin, sleeping as she had done so many times when she was a newborn baby, and Nicky was curled up to his side. She smiled down at the threesome and started to lay a quilt over them, but suddenly she couldn't bear the idea of leaving them and sleeping on her own. Her protective maternal instincts were in overdrive and she felt closer to Jed tonight than she had for months. She didn't want to lose that. She kicked off her shoes and undressed down to her slip then pulled up another bean bag chair and settled in, pulling the quilt up over all four of them. She snuggled around Nicky's back, her arm lying over both the boy and Jed's torso so she could rest her hand on her daughter's back. They slept that way, four lost souls clinging to a lifeboat on a storm tossed sea of emotion trying desperately to find their way back home. 


	23. Finding Our Way Back Home

Jed was hard, so hard it almost hurt when Abbey touched him, her fingers gently squeezing over his erection. It had been so long, so damn long since he'd felt the softness of her touch. He'd longed for it, dreamed about it, and now it was happening. He moaned softly as her lips trailed down his chest and over his belly, her fingers pushing his boxers down to release him. When her lips finally closed over him, he gave a deep groan, his head thrashing on the pillow. It had been far too long to allow her to continue on in this vein for long, he wasn't going to be able to hold out and more than anything he wanted to make love to her, to be back inside of her. But, as usual, Abbey knew just how long she could push him and before things went too far, he felt her straddle his thighs positioning herself over him. Her eyes locked with his and with the wicked, sultry smile of a siren, she lowered her body onto him, enveloping him in her warm wet depths. He groaned again, louder this time. She felt so good, so amazingly good that his body took over. He thrust up into her over and over loving how she looked sitting astride him, loving how it felt to be inside her and before he quite knew what was happening, his body was tightening, swelling and he was exploding inside her, coming as if he'd never stop. When it was over and he could breathe again, he reached out for her – needing to hold her – but as his hands moved to pull her to him he grasped only air. Startled, he opened his eyes, but where just a moment before Abbey had been straddled over his hips, she was now gone – in her place that horrible misty fog that always seemed to take her away from him. Panic lanced straight through his heart and he woke with jolt. 

Disoriented, sweaty and breathing hard, it took Jed a moment to get his bearings. Abbey was lying beside him, her palm over his still throbbing erection and it was quite obvious that he'd had an orgasm as he'd ejaculated all over himself. He closed his eyes, his lips curling with disgust. It was not the first time that this had happened since Abbey had returned, but the last time he'd been able to hide the evidence, balling up the stained sheets and shoving them into the hamper. This time he wasn't so sure he would be so lucky. Abbey was already stirring. 

"Mmm…Jed?" She had felt his arousal and the warm wetness under her palm, smelled the musky scent of his semen and knew exactly what had happened. It wasn't the first time he'd had an orgasm in his sleep. Earlier in the week she'd found the stained sheets in the hamper. After wondering why her husband, who never stripped a bed, was suddenly so inclined to help the maids, she'd thought it was sweet and kind of endearing that he was behaving like an adolescent boy, embarrassed by his body's newfound sexual reactions and wanting to hide them. But there was nothing sweet or endearing now at the level of pain she saw in Jed's eyes. 

"Uh…Sorry about that." His eyes fell to her hand and he thrust a tissue at her. Then, face flushed with frustration at his body's betrayal, and mortification that Abbey was a witness to his lack of control, Jed turned from her and grabbed the box of tissues wiping at the sticky mess at his groin and belly. Abbey grabbed some of the tissues herself and attempted to help him. 

"Abbey," he growled. "Stop it. I don't need your help." 

Abbey ignored him and continued to wipe at his lap. Jed felt his face burning and he angrily grabbed her wrist and shoved her hand away. "Just leave me the hell ALONE!" 

"Jed, for heavens sake, it's not like it's the first time I've had semen on my hand. So you had a nocturnal emission, it's a perfectly natural response." 

"For a fifteen year old BOY. I'm a grown man having wet dreams, and for the love of GOD, stop talking to me in doctor-speak." 

Abbey ignored the outburst. She could see that her husband was absolutely humiliated. "You're a healthy male with very natural needs. So you had an orgasm in your sleep. It's hardly a big deal, in fact scientifically…." 

"Can we NOT talk about this?" 

"I think we should. I know it's been hard on you. It's been a long time since we've been intimate – over four months – there are consequences to that, needs not being met. But, I–" 

Jed couldn't stand it. Couldn't stand watching her night after night preparing for bed, coming out of the shower in only a towel, rubbing lotion into smooth expanses of bare skin, slipping into her silky nightgowns, her breasts unrestrained full and beautiful, nipples straining against the fabric. He tried to tell himself that he was only human, that he was just a man after all, but it didn't keep him from feeling like a heel. His wife had been through a very traumatic experience, his mind knew that, his heart knew that, but his body – well – that was a whole other story. 

But, even harder than the sexual frustration was the frustration of not knowing where exactly Abbey stood. He couldn't stand not knowing if she was back for good or if one wrong move would send her running back to the farm. Couldn't stand the compassion and pity in her lovely eyes. Couldn't stand the fact that she was being so understanding when he still wanted her so badly his teeth ached. 

"Abbey, please SPARE me your pity. I'm not some pathetic loser that can't control himself. Yes, I have needs, but I also have a hand and I'll use it if I have to." He strode away angrily to the bathroom and Abbey heard him turn the shower on. 

Her husband's sharp words caused tears to sting in Abbey's eyes and she pulled her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around her shins and resting her cheek against her knees. Had she done them both a disservice by coming back to this bed before things were right between them? This was alien territory for both of them. They'd had their spats, nights of coolness, but nothing that had lasted this long, nothing that had dragged on for months. Truth be told, physically Jed wasn't the only one feeling the effects of their estrangement. Abbey wanted him. Physically her body ached for the healing balm of his, for him to make love to her and banish her nightmares for good. In bed, making love to each other, they'd never had any problems communicating, never had any misunderstandings. In bed, every touch expressed honesty, love and trust. In bed, they were one and nothing could come between them. And that's where the problem lay. Abbey was afraid that if they moved too fast, if they re-connected physically before dealing with all the problems that lay between them, their lovemaking would suffer, that it would reduce sex to a "need" or a "function" rather than the expression of love and commitment and trust that she needed it to be this first time. She had to be able to trust him again before she made love to him. Only then would she be able to give herself to him with the abandon she'd always had in the past, withholding nothing from him, knowing that he would give her as much as he took from her. "With my body I thee worship". It was a vow she had made many years ago and when that was true again, when all the layers of hurt and anger and betrayal were gone, it would be that way again. She had to believe that. She had to. 

**** 

"Are you going to back to the Oval?" 

Jed turned to look at Leo. He wasn't sure what he was doing at the moment. In spite of the fact that they had all known it would end this way, he was still reeling, still in shock. 

"Uh…no…I'm going to the East Wing. I want to tell Abbey myself before she finds out on TV." He wasn't going to make that mistake again. 

"You want me to come with you." 

Jed shook his head knowing Abbey would not want him present at a moment like this. "No, go tell Debbie to set up the call. I'll take care of Abbey." 

Gently, not wanting to startle her, Jed opened the door to Abbey's office. Her secretary Lenora had not been at her desk to announce him, so he had proceeded on his own. He stood for a long moment in her doorway. It had been a long time since he'd been in Abbey's office. With its soft peach colored walls, artwork depicting pastoral scenes – seascapes painted by her sister and warm loving paintings of mothers with their children – along with the soft worn quilted throws and colorful pillows of deep peach and apricot on her functional cream colored couch, it was a very feminine counterpoint to the Oval Office. The one thing that her office did share with his was the obvious importance they each placed on family. Framed photos of the two of them and of their children graced Abbey's desk and shelves much as they did his and hanging on her walls along with the priceless artwork were the crayoned drawings and finger painting masterpieces the twins had created for her. 

Abbey was sitting at her desk, the late afternoon winter sun shining through the big window creating fiery highlights in her auburn hair. Soft tendrils of hair escaped the clip that held it back from her face and exposed the elegant, vulnerable column of her neck. She was doing paperwork, her glasses lending her a sexy intelligence that he'd always found incredibly alluring. Her brows were slightly furrowed in concentration and her fingernails tapped on the hard wood of her desk. He watched her shove the papers aside close her eyes, rub at them under her glasses, and then gently massage her stiff neck. He felt an overwhelming urge to be the one to do that for her – to be able to walk straight into that room and rub the knots from her neck and shoulders as he had done so many times before. 

He hated to be the one to bring her this news, hated being the bearer of any kind of bad news. She was so vulnerable right now, so wounded. She had arrived back at the White House full of defiance and with a prickly defensiveness meant to keep people at arms length. But, it hadn't taken long for him to see her attitude for just what it was – a shield to hide her pain and vulnerability. She'd built a wall to protect herself, but each day a part of that wall had come crumbling down, and each day Jed saw more and more of the old Abbey. She was softer now, at times able to let down her defenses and let people see the real Abbey. He wondered what this news was going to do to those defenses, wondered if she was going to close off to him again and if he would have to start chipping away all over again. 

"Jed?" Abbey saw him standing quietly in her doorway and pulled her glasses off letting them dangle on their chain against her breasts. "What are you doing just standing there?" 

"I…Um…I just got out of the Situation Room…There's been some news…" 

Abbey knew that look on her husband's face. This was something bad. Something he didn't want to tell her. "Rose Blanchard?" 

Jed nodded. 

The young American female journalist had been kidnapped in the Middle East and held hostage. Undercover operatives had been working around the clock to find the young woman's whereabouts for, as the President of the United States, Jed's hands were tied when it came to negotiations. It made him sick to think that he had the power to save someone's husband or wife, someone's mother or father, someone's son or daughter, someone's brother or sister, and yet he could not use that power. To negotiate with terrorists would cause a free for all, with no one being safe from their demands. Intellectually he knew that; emotionally, watching that young woman's husband pleading for her life had been like a knife in his heart. He knew what that kind of pain and terror was like. Just a few months ago, HE had been Richard Blanchard. But, he'd been one of the very few lucky ones. Wounded and scarred as they might be, he'd gotten his wife and daughters safely back. Richard Blanchard was not going to be so lucky. 

"She's dead, isn't she?" 

Jed nodded again. "It's not like we didn't know this was coming, Abbey. You know they don't let them live." 

Abbey felt the bile rise in her throat as it hit her again how close to death that she had come. "Tell me." 

"They found her body in a ditch beside the road." Jed swallowed tightly not wanting to continue on, but Abbey wasn't going to give him an easy out. 

"You TELL me, Jed." Tears were already burning in her eyes. 

"They raped her, Abbey. And they cut off her head." 

"Oh, God," Abbey moaned, her hand covering her mouth. Suddenly she was back in that dark hot trailer, a machete held over her head while she recited the Twenty-third Psalm, knowing she was about to die. She had never met Rose Blanchard, but right now she knew her more intimately than she knew some of her best friends; for she'd known the terror of what had been the last moments of that young woman's life. The bitter taste of fear, not only for herself but more so for what would happen to her husband and her poor motherless children when she was gone. Rose Blanchard had two young children not much older than her own Nicholas and Aislinn. 

"Abbey…" Jed moved forward wanting so badly to comfort her. 

"No…don't touch me. I think I'm going to throw up." She quickly got to her feet and raced for her bathroom. Jed heard her retching. He hesitated for a moment wondering if his presence would cause more harm than good, but he couldn't stand to hear her retching and crying like that and not do something to try to help. He grabbed a quilt off the back of her couch and entered the bathroom. Abbey was on her knees her elbows resting on the toilet. Her face was buried in her hands and her shoulders shaking with sobs. 

"Abbey?" 

She backed away from him, evading his touch. "Please…just go away." 

Two weeks ago he might have done just that, might have respected her wishes, but so far, backing off had not worked all that well for either of them. It was time to take a new road – time to be the husband that he had always been to her; time to be the one person who could make her face things she did not want to face, not the shell of the man who had been walking on eggshells for four months just waiting for his world to come crashing down all around him. 

"No…I'm not going anywhere, Abbey." He wrapped the quilt around her shoulders and rubbed his hands up and down her arms. He felt her stiffen momentarily but then grow slack against him. 

"Ssh…it's okay, sweetheart, I've got you…I've got you." 

"That could have been ME, Jed!" she sobbed. "Do you know how close that came to being ME?" 

"Yes," he choked. "I saw that sword held over your head, I heard that gun go off. Oh, God, Abbey. I don't know what I would have done if they'd killed you…I just…I don't know how I would have gone on." 

"I'm so afraid, Jed… all the time, and I'm always on edge, like something bad is going to happen and I'm all alone, unable to prevent it from happening." 

"You're not alone, Abbey." She was still wrapped in the quilt and Jed was kneeling on the floor behind her rocking her. "Not anymore. I'm here. Let me help you, baby. Don't shut me out anymore." 

Leo stood quietly in the bathroom doorway. Unable to find Jed in the office, he'd heard Abbey crying and Jed's voice coming from the bathroom. Tears filled his eyes at the sight of his best friend on his knees trying to comfort his wife and at the pain that Abbey was still going through because of HIM, because he'd convinced Jed to do something that went against everything that he believed in. 

"Sir?" 

Jed turned to see Leo. Abbey refused to look at him. 

"We're ready to put that call through to Richard Blanchard." 

"Leo…" Jed looked helplessly from his Chief of Staff to his wife. "I can't leave her like this." 

"I'm okay, Jed." Abbey tried to shrug him off. "You need to call that poor man, tell him how sorry we are." 

"I don't want to leave you. Abbey, you're still shaking." He remembered this shaking from her panic attack at the farm, as if she were cold so deep inside she would never warm up. 

"I'm fine. Really, Jed." 

Jed could already see the walls rising yet again to shield her, but he hoped against hope that they might be lower now, and that they'd keep getting lower and lower until they no longer existed. 

"Sir?" CJ poked her head over Leo's shoulder. "I'll stay with her if you'd like." 

"Would that be okay?" Jed handed Abbey a jigger of mouthwash to rinse with. 

Abbey nodded and got to her feet keeping the quilt wrapped tightly around her shoulders. CJ placed an arm over the smaller woman's shoulders as if she were fragile, breakable, and led her toward the couch. Jed's heart constricted at the last words he heard Abbey say to CJ as he and Leo left her office. 

"Rose Blanchard was a lot like me, CJ. She had a husband and two little girls. They destroyed that family just like they tried to destroy mine." 

**** 

Jed was not asleep. He'd been tossing and turning for much of the night, unable to put Rose Blanchard's fate out of his mind, unable forget the sound of Richard Blanchard's choked voice and the sound of children crying in the background. That could have been him breaking down on the phone. Those could have been his children crying for their mother. If Abbey had been less important, less useful, if things had not gone wrong with the electronics in the feed, if he had not given Ron the okay to go through with his plan to rescue Abbey behind Walken's back, things might have been very, very different. Abbey would most probably be dead and it would be HIS children crying themselves to sleep at night. Empathy was both a strength and a curse; for tonight, Jed Bartlet empathized so strongly with Richard Blanchard and his young family, it made his chest ache and his gut clench. He felt a terrible crushing pain for that family, but he was also very, very grateful that HIS wife had been spared and that she was sleeping beside him. Well, if you could call it sleeping. Abbey had fallen into a restless sleep, the only kind she seemed to have anymore. She tossed and turned, her head thrashing against the pillows, her hands pushing away the men who grabbed at her in her dreams. All of that was bad enough, but it was the whimpers that broke his heart, those frightened, pain-laced whimpers that spoke of a terror he couldn't even imagine. He tried to soothe her with a touch, a soft word, but evidently it wasn't enough. As she fell into a deeper sleep, the demons found her, taunted her, and tortured her. Jed heard the low keening cry of an animal in pain and knew his wife was in the grips of yet another full-fledged nightmare, something she hadn't had since her return. 

"Noooo…" Her whimpers had turned to pleading moans. "Please…. Oh, God, no…No…Don't do this…" 

"Abbey…" he said her name softly, touched her shoulder gently. 

"No…nooooo…STOP!" 

"Abbey– honey– it's me." He touched her again and this time Abbey jolted awake shoving him off of her, the fear so wild in her eyes that Jed could feel it, his own heart racing with adrenaline. He saw the quick hot tears fill her frightened eyes and he damned the bastard who had done this to her to pit fires of hell. He watched her fight her way through the panic, taking in her surroundings to find that she was not in the dark hot trailer pinned to a dirty stinking bed under the body of a laughing, cruel, vicious man. 

"You were having a nightmare," he told her. 

Abbey nodded and scooted away from him until her back was slammed up against the headboard. She drew her knees to her chest inhaling shaky deep breaths and fighting a losing battle with her tears. Jed watched her begin to close in on herself and knew she was preparing to go far away to a place where he wouldn't be able to reach her. 

"Not again…" His words were nearly a moan, his own eyes wet with tears. "Not this time, Abbey. Please…for the love of God, don't shut me out anymore." He gently lifted her chin, his heart constricting at the stark wounded pain in her lovely sea green eyes. But, there was something else there this time, something more than the pain, a silent vulnerable plea…a soul deep longing for his comfort. She needed him and that gave him the strength to try to push past the barriers she had erected around herself. 

"Baby?" He opened his arms to her, holding his breath, praying she would come to him yet knowing that even if she didn't, he would never give up on her. 

Abbey's eyes met his, saw beyond the pain that mirrored her own to the love and compassion and acceptance shining there and for the first time since she had found out about Abdul Shareef, she admitted to herself that she needed him. That there was no way she could ever be whole without him. He was her rock, her anchor in this angry storm tossed sea. He was the comfort she had needed and had been denying herself. 

With a soft cry, Abbey scrambled forward into Jed's outstretched arms tucking her head up under his chin and burying her face into his chest, snuggling up so close it was as if she were trying to climb inside him. She felt his strong arms wrap around her holding her close and rocking her as he murmured endearments and words of comfort. She felt herself unwinding, the tightness of her anxiety and her panic fading as she gave up the fight to control her emotions, finally able to let go of the fear while in the safety and security of her husband's warm arms. 

They lay together for what seemed like hours until Abbey finally stopped shaking and her tears had dried. Only then did she realize where she was, all wrapped up and clinging to Jed's body. She felt a momentary pang of guilt. He'd been so understanding, given her her space when she asked for it, backed off when she told him he was pushing her and held her in his arms when she was falling apart. And how had she responded? By doing everything in her power to keep him at arms length, this morning's little humiliating incident just one of the many ways that he was "paying" for her emotional and physical distance. However, at the first hint of an emotional crisis, he was there for her without bitterness or rancor allowing her to cling to him and suck up all the strength that he had. 

"Jed?" She looked up at him from where her head lay on his chest. "Why?" 

"Why what?" He was twirling a strand of her hair around his finger. 

"Deserved or not, I've treated you abysmally. Why haven't you just told me to go to hell?" 

"Why do you think, Abbey? I love you. I know how much I hurt you. I know you've done your damnedest to push me away and try to deal with all that's happened to you on your own terms, but I'm partially to blame for that. I let you do it. I let you push me away because I was too afraid push back, too afraid to force conversations that we should have had months ago. But, you know what I found out?" 

"What?" 

"I found out that there is nothing that you could do or no way that you could push me hard enough for me to give up on you or on us. So, you can just go right on pushing me and pushing me and pushing me and I'll be standing right here with my arms wide open waiting for you when you need me. I'll be here when the nightmares come and take your breath away. I'll be here when you feel the need to check on our children ten times a night, and I'll be here when you're finally ready to tell me everything that happened to you while you were held captive. You're not alone, Abbey. Not now, not ever." 

Abbey struggled with her emotions as she processed the unconditional love her husband had just professed to have for her. It wasn't that she hadn't known that he felt that way, but they'd never quite been tested like this before. To know that he was here for her no matter what was quite possibly one of the most the most profound moments in their marriage. Parents had unconditional love for their children, but a spouse's love was different, it came with conditions, with adherence to certain behaviors and standards that were different in each marriage. To know that Jed loved her enough to look beyond that – to see not the cold indifference or the hands that pushed him away, but the confused torment in her soul and the heart that screamed for him even as the hands pushed him away – filled her with a sense of overwhelming peace, a sense of safety that everything would be all right, not just now but forever. 

"I didn't think you wanted me to come back." The words were whispered against his chest, filled with pain. 

"What?" Jed was incredulous. How on earth could she not know how desperate he'd been to have her back? 

"At Thanksgiving, you asked for the kids to come back with you, but you didn't ask for me." 

Jed shook his head, stunned that she could think he wouldn't want her back. "I was afraid." That was not an easy thing for Jed Bartlet to admit. He was supposed to be strong, brave, and invincible. "I was afraid you'd say no and I didn't think I could stand that. So, I asked for the kids knowing you wouldn't let them come alone. I thought I could get you back here that way. I certainly never meant to hurt you. Good Lord, I made a real mess out of that one." 

"I won't argue you with you there. So, when Plan A didn't work, you decided to shut down the government?" 

Jed didn't have to see her face to know that she was smiling. She was teasing him. How he'd missed that. 

"Yes, smarty-pants. I shut down the government to get you to come back to me." 

"I knew it all along." Abbey smiled tiredly and lay her cheek back against Jed's torso feeling his hand moving in soothing circles on her back. 

Before long she had fallen asleep in his arms for the first time since the night before she'd been kidnapped, and this time it was not a restless sleep. There were no whimpers, no soft cries, no sharp intakes of breath and no clenching her fists so tightly her hands would ache all morning. 

Jed was not so lucky. He had trouble falling asleep during the best of times. He was a worrier by nature and at night his mind would run rampant, worrying about his children, his wife, his students, his work, the elections, measuring up, making the right decisions, starving children, genocide, AIDS, the deteriorating ozone layer, disappearing rainforests, you name it he would worry about it. Sometimes it was exhausting to be Jed Bartlet, the man who carried the weight of the world on his shoulders. Tonight it was Abbey who lay heavy on his mind. She'd had a real breakthrough today, first in her office and just now in this bed. She'd let him hold her, comfort her, hadn't pushed him away. He wanted to hold on to this moment, keep her safe like this in his arms forever. He wanted to drive away the hurt, the pain, the fear, the demons that filled her nightmares, but he was afraid that as much as he loved her, he wasn't enough. Abbey needed professional help to deal with her problems and somehow he was going to have to make her see that. They'd made so much progress since she'd been back, he just had to have faith that he could get through to her and get her the help that she so desperately needed. 

> _Every time I turn around,_  
>  when I'm lost and when I'm found,   
> Like an angel standing guard,   
> there you are.   
> Every time I take a breath,   
> and when I forget to breathe,   
> You're watching over me,   
> there you are.   
> When I'm looking for the light,   
> in the middle of the night,   
> Searching for the brightest star,   
> there you are. 
> 
> There you are,   
> standing in a crowded room.   
> There you are,   
> the earth and I'm the moon.   
> My desire,   
> is to stand by the fire,   
> that burns inside of you.   
>    ( _There You Are_ by Martina McBride)


	24. Finding Our Way Back Home

"What the hell!" Jed mumbled. One minute he had been sleeping comfortably and the next his head was bouncing on his pillow. 

"Daddy said a bad word." Aislinn looked down at her mother for a reaction and continued to bounce up and down on the bed with her brother. 

"What has Mommy said about jumping on the bed?" Abbey rubbed the sleep out of her eyes. 

" _Two little monkeys jumpin' on da bed. One felled off and bumped his head. Mama called da gogtor and da gogtor said–_ " Aislinn leaned down in Abbey's and Jed's faces waving her pointer finger at them. " _No more monkeys jumpin' on da bed!_ " 

"Well, that means YOU two little monkeys." Abbey made a grab for Aislinn and Jed curled up covering his genitals with a cupped hand. Jumping out of control toddlers were a major threat to damage that piece of his anatomy. Lord only knew what it was about that area that seemed to lure young children like a magnet, but Old Hickory had paid the price many a time when he was roughhousing with his children. This morning he wasn't sure if he would have minded; he loved seeing the sparkle back in Aislinn, loved to hear her giggle and listen to her chattering on and on, whether he understood what she was saying or not. He loved just hearing her precious little voice, especially because there had been a time he had feared he might never hear it again. But, he was definitely going to talk to Abbey about another Christmas gift for the kids. One of those little toddler trampolines would be perfect. 

"What about me, Mumma?" Nicky threw himself down on his father and Jed was grateful for the forethought in protecting himself. "Am I a monkey?" 

"Oh absolutely." 

"What about Daddy?" 

"Well, now…. I think Daddy's more of a baboon." Abbey grinned at him over the kids. 

"Very funny, Abigail." Jed pushed at Panda who was bathing his face with her tongue, then scratched the little Sheltie behind the ear, gaining him her complete adoration. 

"Baboons gots blue butts," Aislinn informed her mother. "Daddy don't got a blue butt." 

"Doesn't HAVE a blue butt," Abbey corrected. 

"Das what I said!" Aislinn looked at her mother with exasperation. 

Abbey smiled and brushed the hair back off her forehead. "Well, I think we've had enough monkey business this morning. We have to start getting ready. We have a big day ahead of us." 

"Annie n' Gus is coming," Nicholas turned to Jed as if his father might not have heard the big news. "N' ALL our big sisters." 

"I seem to have heard that rumor as well." Jed ruffled his hair and started to climb out of bed. 

"We're gonna make Chwistmas cookies and watch you light da big twee." Aislinn began dancing from foot to foot with glee. "N'… n'… n' Mumma says we get to open some PWESENTS!" 

"Well, my goodness this IS an important day. I guess we all better start getting cleaned up and dressed." 

Jed watched the kids scramble, now eager to get their day started, and he leaned down toward Abbey's ear. 

"Are you going to make my Chocolate Snowflake cake?" he asked. 

Abbey thought of the sinfully delicious dark chocolate and coconut cake that was a Bartlet family favorite. "Would it be Christmas without it?" 

"It's not Christmas at all." The grumble was back in Jed's tone. 

"Jed, don't go down this path. We've been over this a hundred times. It's Liz's year to spend Christmas with the Westins." 

"Since when does she spend the whole day with them. WE'RE supposed to get the DAY. THEY get the night." 

"When we're at the farm and they live one town away. We're not going to the farm this year." 

"And whose decision was that?" 

Abbey just stared at him. With the state that their relationship was in, neither had been much in the Christmas spirit, they had in fact only been going through the motions for Aislinn and Nicholas knowing that all kids deserved a magical Christmas no matter what kind of problems their parents were having. And so, without much discussion, the assumption had been that they would, for the first time since Jed had become President, spend Christmas in Washington. 

"Well, we could go back to New Hampshire." She knew what kind of response this would get. "The Westins invited us to come along as well." 

"No, thank you," Jed shuddered. He enjoyed spending time with the Westins about as much as he enjoyed spending time with Doug. "I still have flashbacks." 

"You didn't sit up all night with Jean sewing ducklings on all the stockings." 

"Thank God for small favors." 

"And, please don't crucify Ellie for being late for dinner, especially when you aren't sure if you're even going to be there." 

"Oh, I'll be there. It's the only chance I'll get to see my kids for Christmas." 

"Jed, don't pout. You'll have Zoey, Ellie and the twins at Christmas." 

"That's not everyone. And, I'm not pouting. I'm just stating facts. We should be together, Abbey, especially this year." 

"Well, maybe that was one of the reasons Liz chose to go to the Westins this year." 

"What do you mean?" 

"Think back a few weeks. Thanksgiving at the farm wasn't exactly festive this year. The tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife. Elizabeth felt it and I KNOW Annie felt it. Maybe she was afraid we couldn't muster any good cheer for the kids." 

"Did she talk to you– Annie?" 

"No, I talked to Liz after Thanksgiving. Annie was scared." 

"Scared of what? The kidnapping?" 

"No. Of how we were treating each other. She's never seen us like that before. She told Liz she was afraid we were going to get a divorce." 

Jed stared at her, fear creeping into his eyes. For one of the few times in his life, he was at a loss for words. Just hearing Abbey use that word in connotation with the two of them caused his blood to freeze. 

"What's a diborce, Mumma?" Nicholas asked. 

Abbey swallowed past the lump in her throat and looked down at her son. 

"Nothing you have to worry about, sweet pea. Now let's get you dressed so we can get started on those cookies." 

She never saw the look of relief and gratitude that crossed her husband's face at her careless dismissal of the term. 

**** 

Leo peered into the Oval Office to see Abbey sitting with Jed sipping from a mug of coffee while they waited for their eldest daughter and her family to arrive. Taking a deep breath, he entered the room. Saying what he had to say today was not going to be easy, but he had put it off for long enough. 

"Do you two have a few minutes?" 

Abbey's first instinct was to walk away, her fight or flight reflex still very strong. She hadn't spoken three words to Leo since the day she had returned to the White House. She had a feeling he was pissed at her for siding with Jed over the Haffley incident and she knew she was still pissed at him for his role in the kidnapping, although that anger had tempered over time. 

"Abbey?" Jed inclined his head toward his wife. 

"Okay, Leo." Abbey feigned a cool indifference. 

Leo shut the door behind him and moved to a chair sitting across from both Abbey and Jed. 

"I'm really not sure where to start." Leo was obviously incredibly uncomfortable. 

"Just get it out, Leo." Abbey was brusque. Leo knew she still blamed him. 

"It's just– Watching you both these past few months. Seeing how badly that you're hurting and how poorly you each do when you are away from each other has been really hard. I know that I'm part of the reason for this strain between you two and I hate that. I guess I just wanted to have the chance to apologize." 

Abbey's eyes widened. Even Jed had not apologized for killing Abdul Shareef. 

"Leo," Jed protested. "I made the final decision. The buck stops right here. Abbey knows that." 

"The buck may stop with you, but I think we all know each other well enough to know that the plan to assassinate was not yours. That you would never have come to that conclusion without some heavy duty persuading by me. Now, I'm not apologizing for having Shareef killed. I still believe that it was the right decision, the ONLY decision. I'm apologizing for not being more aware. For not pushing for more intelligence or for not thinking in my wildest dreams that they'd come after you or your children. Now, I don't know everything you went through in that trailer–" 

Abbey's brow raised and she flashed him a skeptical look. She was not naïve. She knew damn well that he had access to all her debriefing files. 

"Okay, physically, I know what happened to you in that trailer but not emotionally. I don't know what happened to your heart and to your psyche and I probably never will. It's not my business to know. But, I do know that if you both are going to weather this storm the only way you'll do it is together. I've known you for too long to stand by and watch something like this tear you apart. It can't and it WON'T. Jenny and I– Millie and Dave– We didn't have what it takes, but you two DO. I've watched you all these years, your love––it's the most powerful bond I've ever seen. No matter what has happened it's always stayed there – deep, true and unwavering. There is nothing that could break you two apart... NOTHING." 

Jed's tortured eyes found Abbey's and watched them fill with tears. She was nodding softly in agreement with all that Leo said, the pain in those lovely sea-green eyes almost palpable. He reached out a hand, needing to touch her, wishing he could hold her. It was Abbey who finally spoke, but it was obvious that she too was at a loss for words. 

"Leo, I don't know what to say." 

"I don't expect you to forgive me, that's not what I'm after. I hope that one day you'll find it in your heart to do so, but that isn't what today is about. For me it's about atoning. I just need you to tell me that you know I would never, EVER, have knowingly done anything to put you or any of your children in harm's way. I…I love you–" Leo's eyes darted to Jed, well aware that a year ago those had been fighting words, and he quickly amended his statement. "Well, not JUST you, ALL of you. That's why I had to come to the President with Ron's plan to rescue you, even though I knew it could be seen in some circles as treason." 

Abbey's brow furrowed with confusion and Jed shook his head negatively trying to get Leo to stop talking. Leo's eyes widened. 

"She doesn't know? You didn't tell her?" 

Jed's face reddened. 

"Tell me what?" Abbey asked, with trepidation. How much more had Jed kept from her? How many more secrets was she going to have to come to terms with? When would the blows stop? 

"Nothing," Jed brushed her questions aside. "It's nothing." 

Leo wasn't going to let him off the hook. Abbey should definitely know what lengths her husband had gone to in order to rescue her. "After talking to Zoey and figuring out the area where you were being held, Ron Butterfield and some FBI agents came up with a plan to rescue you…" 

"And?" Abbey prodded him on. 

"And Glen Walken turned the plan down. He didn't think they'd had enough time to think things through. He was afraid that if you weren't already dead, you'd get killed in the rescue attempt and he'd be blamed for that. He wanted to wait." 

"WAIT?" Abbey was incredulous. "He SAW what I was going through. He watched that bastard TOUCH me. He watched him hold a machete over my HEAD. He KNEW they were going to KILL me and he wanted to WAIT? How on earth did he justify that?" 

Leo took a deep breath remembering with an awful pain in his chest Glen Allen Walken looking him straight in the eye. 'She's already dead, Leo.' He'd been so damn sure of it. " He…well, after that gun went off he felt that you were already dead or that if you weren't your death was quite imminent." 

"Then– how?" Abbey's confusion grew as she searched both men's faces for answers. 

"I was the mediator between President Walken and President Bartlet. When President Walken refused to consider the plan, I went to President Bartlet." 

Abbey's eyes filled with horror. "My God, Jed. YOU okayed the plan. You did it behind Walken's back?" 

Jed nodded. "It was the only way you had a chance. He thought you were dead, Abbey, but I knew you weren't. If you were dead I would have felt it, and I still felt you so strong, I knew you couldn't be gone." 

"But, good Lord, Jed. That could have been construed as treason. You could have gone to PRISON." 

"I thought of that. I felt it was worth the risk. Better you alive and me in prison, than you dead and me right here in the White House." 

Abbey was still in awe at the loving risk her husband had taken, at the lengths with which he had gone to rescue her. 

"How did you get around Walken?" 

"He found out about the plan. He threatened me…" Jed's face reddened again. "I begged him to let me go through with it. I told him I would accept full responsibility. If something went wrong he could say he had known nothing about the plan and have me thrown in jail for conspiring behind his back, and if things went well and you were rescued, I told him he could accept full credit." 

"Oh…God…Jed." Abbey's fingertips moved to her trembling lips. "Why didn't you tell me this before? You should have TOLD me." 

"I didn't want it to make a difference." 

"What?" 

"I did what I had to do. You were angry with me and you had every right to be, but I didn't want you to find out and have you bury your feelings under some kind of misplaced gratitude. I did what I had to do and I never regretted the decision once. Nothing is more important than my family, Abbey. NOTHING." 

"Sir, ma'am." Debbie poked her head in breaking the emotional spell. "Elizabeth and her family are just pulling in." 

"Thank you, Debbie. We'll be right out." 

The three friends shared a look that spoke of the strong bond of love they shared, of knowing what lengths they would go to for each other, and finally they all rose without another word, but before Leo could turn to leave for his own office, Abbey reached out a hand to touch his forearm. 

"Thank you for telling me," she said softly. "I needed to hear that." 

"Yeah, I think you did." He hoped to God that in some way it would help the two move closer together. He watched them head towards the doorway and out to the hall. 

"I don't want to sit next to Doug tonight. I don't want to hear about his kayak." Jed was obviously trying to change the subject but Leo smiled with satisfaction as he saw Abbey smile at him and take his hand in hers. 

"Show up on time, you can sit wherever you like." 

"Tell Ellie if she's late, she has to sit next to Doug." 

"Ellie will be here, Jed. Sam will make sure of that." 

"Sam is coming?" Jed grinned broadly. 

"Damn," Abbey swore at the slip of her tongue. Sam was supposed to be a surprise. "Yeah, he's coming. I know they've been – what did Ellie call it – 'tentatively' dating for a few months now so I figured it was about time they came out of the closet with things." 

"Tentatively dating. Is that a new kinky term?" Jed frowned. 

"Uh, no," Abbey chuckled. "It means she's really got a thing for him but she's also terrified of him." 

"Of SAM? Does she think he'd hurt her?" Jed gave pause. He knew Sam as someone who worked for him, knew him as a friend, did in fact think of him almost as a son, but what did he know of him as a boyfriend. 

"Not physically. Of course not. He's just not the kind of man she envisioned herself with. You know how much she values her privacy, how much she hates politics. Well, now she's got herself involved with a politician. That's terrifying to her." 

"If she hates it so much why date him?" 

"Have you forgotten the power of a physical and intellectual attraction?" 

"Oh, absolutely not, babe." He squeezed her hand. "Absolutely not." 

They were at the door now, Elizabeth and her family climbing out of their car. 

"Lizzie." Jed hugged his daughter. 

Abbey gave a subdued Annie a hug then saw Gus hiding behind her, a little intimidated by the White House. "Oh, there's my guy," she smiled and knelt down to hug the boy. 

"Where are Nicholas and Aislinn?" he asked. 

"They're upstairs waiting for you." She looked at her watch. "I bet they're just up from their naps and ready to play." 

"Was there a stowaway in the car? A monster?" Jed lifted a giggling Gus up and raised him up over his head. "I got him! I got him! Come with me." 

Everyone followed Jed and Gus inside. 

**** 

Later, while Annie visited with Zoey, and Gus played with the twins and snacked on Christmas cookies and milk, Jed snuck away for a quick meeting and was shocked to hear that Doug had approached Josh about running for his old seat in Congress. Just the idea of it caused Jed's hackles to rise. Why the hell hadn't the boy come to him for advice before making this kind of decision? They might not be best buddies, but they were family and he should have respected that. At the very least, he could have saved him some embarrassment by steering him toward getting his feet wet in the state legislature before approaching the D.N.C. about running for a national seat. But, no, not arrogant Doug Westin. He couldn't start at the bottom. Despite the fact that he didn't have any experience other than a father-in-law who was in the business, he expected to gain Jed's endorsement and ride his coattails all the way to the U.S. House of Representatives. Jed wasn't naïve; he knew that was the way nepotism worked in politics, but that was not the way that things worked in his book and it wasn't the way it worked in his staff's or the D.N.C.'s book either. Maybe if Doug had been more capable they might have considered it, but they all knew he was not. Of course a lot of politics was in who you knew. He'd had connections that had helped him along his way, but he had also paid his dues learning the ropes in the state legislature and working his way up. Even with the Bartlet name behind him, he'd still had to prove himself before moving up the ladder and he'd have had a lot more respect for Doug and would have supported him without question if he wanted to run for the legislature. But, he thought, it was quite a bit presumptuous of the boy to think that he deserved to be a U.S Congressman simply because his wife was the President's daughter. Elizabeth, as smart and politically active as she was, could have handled skipping a few steps; her dim bulb husband could not. 

Then, on top of all that, Toby was now lecturing him on a problem they were having with Oregon supporting physician assisted suicide and trying to keep him out of the fray because of his condition. 

"One in five patients requesting aid in dying has M.S." Toby informed him. "One in five. Do you know what the questions sound like?" 

"I've got a pretty good idea," Jed said tightly, but that didn't stop Toby from continuing on. 

"How long does the President think he has before his M.S. will become debilitating? Do the doctors anticipate a speedy decline? Does he have a plan? Does the First Lady have four glass vials and a syringe in a lock box in the night stand?" 

"She may chicken out. Maybe I'll call you." Jed was hurt, deeply hurt by Toby's words, by the insensitivity of his friend but he wasn't going to let him see that. 

"That's the conversation, sir. It won't be Controlled Substances Act or federal overreaching or anything else. I don't think we're ready to have that conversation with the American public." 

"Toby, I've had barely a handful of minor episodes with my disease. The doctors feel I have a very good chance of never getting to the point that you just described. I'm not ready to have that conversation with my FAMILY never mind the American public." Jed turned from him and Toby knew he was dismissed. He turned to leave the office and bumped into Zoey in Debbie's office. 

"Hi, Toby," she smiled. 

Toby was clearly taken aback. It was still hard for him to be in the presence of the Bartlet women. He'd been witness to their fears and their humiliation, as well as their strength and courage, and that still made him uncomfortable. 

"Hi. You back to stay?" 

"Nah. I'm liking New Hampshire. I'll be staying up there for a while until I start grad school in the fall." 

"You look, uh... great." He wasn't lying. She did look great – happy, strong – whole again. 

"Thanks. Good to see you, Toby." She moved past him and entered the Oval Office where CJ and Debbie and the Secret Service were milling about anxiously. 

"What's going on?" Zoey asked as she moved to give her father a hug. 

"Your mom felt Aislinn and Nicholas were too young to parade before the crowds to flick the switch on the tree and now Gus doesn't want to do it. We're stuck." 

"I'll go. You and me. It's not the first time I've done it. I won't chicken out." 

Jed turned to Zoey's agent. "Len, this gonna be okay?" 

"Yes, sir." 

"It's cold out there," Jed warned her. "You got a coat?" 

Charlie took of his coat and put it over Zoey. 

"You're a prince." Zoey grinned. 

"Here we go." Jed crooked his elbow and Zoey slipped her arm inside snuggling up close to his side as they exited to the portico. Abbey had been so right about getting her away. Under the watchful gentle nurturing of her mother, Zoey had begun to bloom again. Thanks to Abbey he had his beautiful, confident daughter back. 

CJ watched them walk away and glanced over at the TV screen to see Zoey's sparkling eyes and the big happy smile on her face. She was a long way from the pale haunted girl who had walked before the press on her father's arm four months ago. CJ smiled with pride and turned to Charlie. "She's good." 

"Yeah," Charlie looked at her thoughtfully. "She's really good." 


	25. Finding Our Way Back Home

Sitting at the far end of the table from Jed, Abbey wished she were close enough to give him a quick kick to the shin, or a nudge to his thigh, anything to alert him to the fact that their eldest daughter was getting more and more irritated with him. Jed was oblivious. Things had gone okay while they had exchanged presents earlier, the kids forming a sort of buffer to the tension that obviously existed between Jed and Doug. But, now with Sam to his left, the two were engrossed in an animated political conversation, their heads leaning close together. Abbey had tried a couple of times to steer the conversation elsewhere but the two men were good friends, shared similar ideologies and hadn't seen each other in a while. The difference between Jed's relationship with Sam and his relationship with Doug could not have been more starkly pronounced and Abbey knew that Elizabeth could see that and was hurt by it. 

"Mumma. I's all wet." 

Everyone looked up to see Nicholas standing in the doorway naked from the waist down his wet, soggy diaper on the floor at his feet, a dry diaper in his hand being waved toward his mother. The room went completely silent and then everyone started to laugh uproariously. 

"I think it's time we start thinking about getting back on that potty training schedule," Abbey told her laughing husband as she passed by him on her way to her disgruntled son. 

Jed nodded. "I'll dump some Cheerios in the toilet in the morning." 

"Cheerios?" Sam lifted a brow. 

"Target practice," Jed grinned spearing a piece of prime rib and popping it into his mouth. He watched Abbey disappear with Nicholas to change the boy and was surprised when Elizabeth got up abruptly and left the room. Evidently, Doug had told her the D.N.C. didn't want him to run and that he wasn't going to endorse him. 

"Excuse me." He nodded to the rest of the family and got to his feet to follow after his daughter. 

By the time he got to Elizabeth's room, she was already packing. He entered the room and bent to pick up something that she dropped. He knew why she was upset with him and he had to make her understand. It had nothing to do with her and everything to do with Doug's inexperience. 

"There's a guy named Mitch Clark. D.N.C.'s been..." 

"Mitchell Clark single-handedly disemboweled managed care reform. He put together the committee, took credit for creating rate stabilization and then sold the whole thing down the river. How do you think he's financing a run? He's got board members from Barnstead Mutual writing check after check." 

"The district's splitting right; it always has. I was an aberration. I'm one of the few Democrats who every won there." 

"Josh mentioned something about that. Apparently, he was very helpful." 

"Elizabeth..." 

"You just spent over a half hour at dinner giving Sam Seaborn your attention but you couldn't give Doug the courtesy of five minutes? It's one thing to delegate my car loan or Ellie's MCATs to your staff, but my husband?" 

"That's not fair, Elizabeth. He went to Josh. I wish he had come to me when he first started thinking about running for office but he didn't. If he wanted my advice, or if you did, for that matter..." It hit Jed then, he knew Doug didn't have it in him to get the finance committee. "Doug didn't call Hal Collins. You did. You recruited the finance committee." 

"Mom made a useful suggestion or two in the early years." 

"Maybe a few, she still does because she's interested in my life and wants to help me, but politics has never her 'thing'. You know that. But it is yours. 'The Speaker can convince most people of most things and himself of almost anything.' Doug came up with that?" 

"We're a good team. We have different strengths, skills. He has skills you've never even bothered..." 

"Who are you trying to convince, Liz, me or yourself? You're the politician. Why the hell don't you run?" 

"Because I'm a mother." 

"You can handle it." 

"You can't. Forgive me, Ms. Steinem and Ms. Friedan, you cannot do it all." 

"Your mother did." 

"No, Daddy. She didn't." 

"Don't you DARE, Elizabeth. Don't you dare tar your mother with that brush. She was an amazing mother to all of you, she still is. She had to juggle more balls than I care to count and she did it very, very well. There's no question we missed things. We all made sacrifices, but we were there for the important things; we were THERE for you. SHE was there for you. And YOU have always been proud of her accomplishments and so would Annie and Gus if they watched you walk onto the floor of the U.S. House of Representatives..." 

Hurt now ruled Elizabeth, hurt and anger that what her father said made sense. She was the politician in her family; there wasn't any question that she was much brighter than her husband and was more politically astute. "I don't want my son to be a part of my entourage. A photo-op is not his idea... I don't want it." 

"We never used you, Elizabeth. NEVER. We worked and still work exceedingly hard to protect you and shield you, all of you. Don't try to rewrite history just because you're pissed at me." 

Elizabeth hung her head. She knew her father was right. She'd wanted to hurt him and she had succeeded but instead of feeling gratified, she now only felt ashamed. 

"Elizabeth." Jed lifted her chin to look into her beautiful blue eyes. "If that kind of life isn't what you want for Annie and Gus, why would you let Doug run?" 

"Because he's my husband, and he asked me to." 

It wasn't much of an answer and they both knew it. 

**** 

Jed was sitting by himself at the dining room table eating fruit and wishing it was chocolate snowflake cake when Abbey walked back in. 

"You didn't want to wait for dessert?" she asked. 

"I'm waiting. There's a fruit bowl. Turns out the fruit's real." 

"Everyone went down to watch the carolers. We didn't know how long you'd be. Did you talk to Liz?" 

"I'm not sure we're gonna see her for dessert. It's okay. I got a picture in my wallet of the three girls together from Acadia in '96." 

"It's Doug's fight. Why does she have to get in the middle?" 

"It's bigger than Doug." 

"What? Is it about those Dorothy Hamill ice skates we never bought her?" 

"That and the cauliflower incident." 

Abbey knew Jed was hurting and opted for levity. "We didn't beat them." 

"There's still time. Shame about Gus and the tree." 

"You really didn't think he was gonna march..." 

"I did. He would have had fun." 

"He thought he was gonna be alone, with you. He didn't know what all those other people were doing there." 

"Oh, yeah. I want a real Christmas. I can't remember when it was all of us and weather and everybody in their slippers." 

"We don't do that." 

"We do." Jed thought back on last Christmas, making a snowman with Abbey and the kids. 

"I was on call three straight Christmas Eves when Ellie was little. We've never been Currier and Ives." Abbey regretted the words the moment they came out. Never was technically not true. They weren't Currier and Ives all the time but they'd had their moments, beautiful moments, memories she'd treasure. She'd thrown that out there trying to snap Jed out of his melancholy but knew she had succeeded only in pushing him further down. 

"I'm putting together a panel on assisted suicide. If you got any names, medical ethicists." 

Abbey felt that quick stab to her heart that happened any time she thought of her husband's condition or what the future might bring. "Your position has changed?" She tried to keep her emotions out of the words. 

"Uh-uh... No syringe in the nightstand. It'll get ugly and that's that..." There was no way he was ever going to put Abbey in that position – morally, ethically, emotionally, or legally – but there was something he had to know. Something he'd needed to know since the moment she had returned to the White House. Something he had been tiptoeing around. "You gonna be there?" 

Abbey's breath caught in her throat. She knew he was talking about more than "what ifs" about the future. He was asking if she was home for good. Had he honestly thought that she wasn't? 

"Yeah." Struggling desperately to hide her emotions, Abbey got to her feet wanting to run before the dam burst and the tears came. 

Relief filled Jed straight to his core and his own emotions took him over. He couldn't just let her walk away. "Abbey." 

Abbey stopped at the sound of his voice. Her eyes blurry with tears she bent down and pressed a kiss to Jed's forehead. It was not a soft kiss, not a gentle kiss; it was a hard fierce kiss, a kiss that expressed all her powerful emotions of the moment and the first time she had kissed him in four months. She wanted to sit down in his lap and pull him tightly into her arms, bury his face into her breasts and never let him go, but with everyone coming back for dessert, she knew it wasn't the time to let go of their emotions. But, how…how could he think that she would walk away from their marriage? Was that what staying away had done to him? Did he really believe that she wasn't going to come back? That she wasn't going to be there when he needed her? How long had he been living with that fear? She gazed down at him with pain-filled eyes, her emotions so strong they threatened to overwhelm her causing even the thumb swipe to remove her lipstick from his skin to be fierce. 

Swallowing hard, she regained some semblance of control. "The kids are still up. Go say good night." She knew that would make him feel better. It always did. 

Jed nodded, but waited a few moments before heading down to the nursery. He heard his wife's broken sobs as the door shut behind her but knew this was one of those times that she'd want to have a "good cry" on her own and wouldn't welcome his comfort. If she'd wanted to cry on his shoulder, she wouldn't have left the room. 

He was still digesting Abbey's reply to him, still feeling the warmth and relief at knowing that despite everything that had happened, she was still in this for the long haul – that she wasn't going to leave again, that she was home to stay. Feeling light-years better than he had in a very long time, he got to his feet and with the quick germ of an idea, he stopped at the hall closet to find the kids' hats, jackets, mittens and boots. 

> _I will be the answer at the end of the line_  
>  I will be there for you while you take the time   
> In the burning of uncertainty I will be your solid ground   
> I will hold the balance if you cant look down 
> 
> If it takes my whole life I wont break I won't bend   
> It'll all be worth it worth it in the end   
> Cause I can only tell you what I know   
> that I need you in my life   
> When the stars have all gone out   
> you'll still be burning so bright 
> 
> Cast me gently into morning   
> For the night has been unkind   
> Take me to a place so holy   
> That I can wash this from my mind   
> The memory of choosing not to fight   
>    ( _Answer_ by Sarah McLachlan)

**** 

After splashing some cold water on her face to remove the remnants of her tears, Abbey made her way to her daughter's bedroom. She and Elizabeth had some unfinished business. The girl had had no right to take out her disappointment on her father. 

"Elizabeth?" Abbey poked her head in to find Elizabeth sitting on the couch reading. "Can we talk?" 

Liz looked up with dismay to see her mother's still slightly swollen eyes and knew she'd been crying. "Daddy told you what I said about you?" 

"About me?" Abbey was surprised. "No, I came in here to talk about what you said to hurt him." 

Liz sighed. She knew her mother was telling the truth, for she had seemed genuinely surprised by her assumption. She should have known that her father wouldn't rat her out. The last thing Jed Bartlet ever wanted to do was to hurt his wife, and telling her what she'd said would have hurt her. 

"So, how did I come into the conversation?" 

"It was nothing, really. Daddy said he thinks I should be the one running for Congress. I said I couldn't do everything and he said that you did. I took a little offense to that." 

"Of course you did. I didn't do everything, I just did the best that I could." 

"I know you did." Liz was sheepish now. "But, it was more than that. I guess I insinuated that you weren't there for me. That I wanted to be with my kids because you weren't there for me." 

Abbey felt the old familiar pang of guilt that had accompanied her from the moment that, at the tender age of twenty-one, she had become a mother. It was a guilt that had started when Elizabeth was still within the womb and Abbey was questioning every move she made that affected her unborn child. That guilt that had carried on right into the first moments after birth when she had gazed down worriedly at her nursing daughter, questioning her decision to breast-feed since she couldn't know for sure if Elizabeth was getting enough milk from her breast the way that she would if she'd been fed by a bottle. It was guilt that her own mother and grandmother had assured her that every mother shared. 

"Do you really feel that way?" Abbey couldn't keep the hurt out of her voice. 

"No. I was being a bitch. I was pissed at Daddy for not for not supporting Doug and I took it out on both of you. It takes a village, Mom, I know that. And, we had a great village. If you weren't there or Daddy wasn't there I knew Gramma or Grampa or Aunt Jane would be there. I always had somebody there. There were kids who never had anybody there for them." 

"I always tried, Lizzie." Abbey pushed her daughter's matching bright auburn hair back off her face. "I tried so damn hard." 

"Mom, you did great. You were always there for the important stuff. And, most of all, I always knew I could count on you. My friends envied my relationship with you, that we could talk as much like friends as we did mother and daughter. The truth is that at times I envy you." 

"ME?" 

"Of how you did it. You always made it look so easy and here I am only working part time since we adopted Gus and I still have a hell of a time juggling all my roles." 

"I may have made it look easy, sweetheart. But, it was NEVER easy, it still isn't. I just had to make sure that I had my priorities straight. You do know that you kids and your father – you always came first with me – and you still do." 

"I know. I knew it even more when you gave up your medical license. You could walk away from your profession, but I know you could never walk away from us. I know that. Like I said. I was just being a total bitch. It's just– I can't understand why Daddy can't support Doug. He's just being this way because he doesn't really like him." 

"Elizabeth, who are you really angry with? Your father, Doug or yourself?" 

"What?" 

"Be honest. Who are you really angry with?" 

"Daddy!" Elizabeth looked into her mother's unblinking honest gaze and knew she had to come clean. Somehow her mom had always been able to see right through her. "Well, maybe not just him. I guess I'm just angry in general. I'm angry that Doug made me get in the middle things. I knew this was going to happen. I know Doug isn't ready for Congress and him wanting to ride on Daddy's coattails without any experience embarrasses me. I didn't want him to go to Josh. I wanted him to talk to Daddy months ago." 

"You know that if he'd come to your father privately and discussed this with him, he would have mapped out a strategy, planned on getting him elected into the legislature and then moved on from there after he paid his dues and learned the ropes." 

"I know." 

Abbey could tell from the look on Elizabeth's face that her daughter had flown that scenario by her husband as well and it had been rejected. Her son-in-law never really did like to work at anything. "And you're angry with your father, too?" 

"Yes. I'm angry that he talks to Sam like he's an equal, that he enjoys Sam's company and yet he doesn't have two words to say to Doug. I'm angry that he's never liked, Doug. Never felt he was good enough for me." 

"Well, your father was friends with Sam long before your sister was dating him. They have more in common than your dad and Doug do. And, he just wants to see you happy, sweetheart." 

"What makes him think I'm not?" 

"Lizzie, honey, this is me you're talking to. You haven't been happy for a very long time." 

Elizabeth turned away, tears burning in her eyes. "I thought another baby would make me happy, but we couldn't have one. Doug can't… So we adopted Gus and he makes me happy. I love that little boy." 

"I hear a 'but' in there." 

"But, I stopped teaching to be a stay at home mom with him and I went stir crazy. I missed being 'out there'. So, I went back part time, but I know– I know there is so much more in me. Daddy was right. I'd be damn good congresswoman. I don't know– maybe someday." 

Abbey nodded. She had been a stay at home mom for three years after Elizabeth's birth and then a year for Ellie and Zoey. Technically, she was a stay at home mom right now with the twins but it was different. With her duties as the First Lady she was still "out there". She knew what Liz was going through. She'd loved being home with her children, but she'd missed the intellectual stimulation of her work, or having a life outside her home where she was Abbey Bartlet – not Jed's wife or Elizabeth, Ellie or Zoey's mother – but a genuine person in her own right. 

"Being a mother is the toughest job out there, baby. There is always going to be guilt. When you're home with your kids too much you wonder if your smothering them and when you're busy at work you wonder if you're spending enough time with them. It's really tough to find a balance where you can be true to yourself, to your marriage and to your children." 

"You found the balance. Daddy thinks your perfect." Elizabeth smiled at her mother. "You should have heard him defend you. I don't think Doug would defend me with nearly that kind of passion. We're good as a family, but as a couple…well, we could use a little work." 

"Lizziekins, you better hope your marriage is about more than the kids because when they're all grown up and gone it's just going to be the two of you – not that your father and I will be experiencing that in the very near future," she smiled wryly. "But, I'd hate to think that when you get to that point, you had nothing to say to each other. I know there were times when your father and I put our relationship first, over you kids. But, Liz, you have to nurture your marriage just as you nurture your children or it won't grow and expand, it will become wilted and narrowed. You can't take it for granted; you can't let the passion for each other die." 

Abbey knew she was giving advice to herself as much as she was to Elizabeth. 

"Is that why you guys would go away sometimes to Bed and Breakfasts, or when Daddy was in Congress and we were in New Hampshire, those weekends in Manhattan or Baltimore or the Poconos?" 

"Yes. It's too easy to get caught up in your career or in just being parents to your children. It's too easy to lose sight of each other. We didn't want to lose that. We didn't want to lose the bond that made us a couple – Jed and Abbey, friends and lovers. Those times we went away we were able to reconnect." 

"I'm sure." Elizabeth blushed with a knowing grin. She knew her parents very well, remembered the Saturday morning locked bedroom doors, remembered coming home unexpectedly and hearing them behind closed doors, or worse catching them in the act. 

"Get your mind out of the gutter girl. It wasn't all about sex. It was about re-connecting on every level. Being able to talk and listen to each other without the phone constantly ringing and you kids interrupting us. It was as much about conversation and romance as it was about sex…but…you know that was really good too." 

"MOM," Elizabeth groaned. 

Abbey laughed. She knew how to get her daughters. "Well, I'm going to go make sure your father didn't get the kids all riled up. You okay?" 

"Better. I'll apologize to Daddy in the morning." 

"I think he'd appreciate that. And, Lizzie, tell him what you told me tonight. Let him know he was a good dad. You stung him pretty badly tonight." 

"I will." 

**** 

On her way back to the sitting room to see if the girls and Sam were back yet, Abbey stopped in the nursery to check on the kids. She was surprised to find two empty cribs and an empty cot where Gus had been sleeping. A swift wave of panic washed over her so strong it nearly brought her to her knees. 

"JEEEDDD!" She didn't realize how terrified the scream of her husband's name sounded to the Secret Service outside the door until they quickly swarmed the room ready to do battle for her. 

"Ma'am, what is it? Are you okay?" 

Her face was pale, her eyes wide with fright. "Where are my children? Where is Gus?" 

"They're okay. They were upset about not seeing the Christmas tree so the President took them all out to see it." 

Abbey took several deep breaths to calm herself. Of course he did. That was exactly something that Jed would do. 

"Ma'am, are you okay? Would you like me to get you some water?" 

"No…" Abbey was embarrassed by the way she had overreacted. "No, I'm fine." 

"Are you sure? Would you like me to get the President?" 

"No, no, don't be silly. I'm fine, really." 

Reluctantly, the Secret Service man left the room. He wondered how long it would be before Abbey Bartlet could stop assuming the worse when her children weren't where she expected them to be. He imagined it would take a very long time to get over something like what had happened to her and her children. 

On legs still shaky from the adrenaline rush, Abbey made her way to the windows overlooking the vast White House lawn. She laid her fingertips against the pane, pressed her warm cheek against the cold glass. She smiled as she watched Jed trudging through the snow like the pied piper trailing three children wearing winter jackets, boots, hats, mittens and – pajama bottoms. It was too cute, and so very much like Jed. He wouldn't stand for his children or his grandchildren to be disappointed, and so he stood on a cold dark night bending over to show them how to flick the switch to turn on the Christmas tree lights. She could only imagine the awe on the kids' faces as the huge tree flashed with thousands of brilliant flickering lights and knew that Jed was basking in those wide eyed smiles of wonder. Tears of tender love touched her eyes and she gave a soft laugh as she watched eager little hands reaching for the switch causing the tree to flicker on and off in an exciting little light show. Currier and Ives? Maybe not all the time, but they sure did have their moments. 


	26. Finding Our Way Back Home

Toby heard them before he saw them. Toddler voices coming down the hall raised in excitement of the holiday. 

" _Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all da way. Oh what fun it is to wide in a one horse open sleigh, HEY!_ " 

"Wace you to Daddy, Azlin!" 

"I'm faster!" 

"No, I'm faster!" 

"No, I'm faster!" 

They careened around the corner as fast as their little legs would carry them and crashed right into Toby Ziegler. 

"Whoa, slow down there you two." 

Nicholas and Aislinn Bartlet came to a crashing halt panting and looking up at the somber bearded man with wide eyes. They were never quite sure what to make of their daddy's friend Toby. He wasn't mean to them, in fact he rarely paid attention to them at all, which wasn't something they were used to in their world; and he never smiled or laughed or teased them like their daddy or some of his other friends did. But, it didn't take long for their natural exuberance to burst forth and they started to giggle. Toby couldn't help himself; their enthusiasm was contagious and he felt the hint of a smile curving his lips. 

"Didn't I tell you two not to run down the halls?" Abbey stood behind them in a sleek, slim fitting deep red dress, her jacket and the kids' coats draped over her arm. 

Toby wouldn't have thought that her three and half-inch heels were conducive to chasing two toddlers down the hall, but Abbey did pretty well on them. "Merry Christmas, ma'am." He nodded his head to her. 

"Thank you, Toby. Sorry about these two little hooligans here. They're a little excited about Santa coming tonight." 

"Santa's coming, Santa's coming, Santa's coming…" The two children began dancing around with excitement. 

"You sure about that?" Toby asked soberly. 

Aislinn paused for a moment as if surprised by the question then crossed her arms over her chest and nodded vigorously. "We been good. Wight, Mumma?" 

"You have your moments," Abbey smiled at them indulgently. "We're meeting the President in the Oval so we can go on to the Children's Mass at St. Michael's. Is he back from the war room?" 

"Yeah, he's packing up his briefcase as we speak." 

"We gonna sing _'jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells…'_ " The two kids began spinning around in circles, faster and faster trying to make themselves dizzy then staggering about. 

"Be careful," Abbey warned. "You're going to bump your heads on Mrs. Fiderer's desk." 

Toby looked weary after just a few minutes in their presence. "Don't you ever find them…" He stopped, not wanting to offend the proud mother. 

"Exhausting?" Abbey nodded with a quick laugh. "Every day." 

"You two look like a couple of drunken sailors." 

Nicholas and Aislinn stopped at the sound of their father's voice and turned to run to him, albeit crookedly, for the hugs and kisses they knew they would be showered with. 

"I's a dwunken sailor," Nicholas began to stagger again in front of his audience. 

"Well, thank you for that, Jed." Abbey stepped forward. "You can do the explaining when they stagger around in front of Bishop Desjardins calling themselves drunken sailors." 

Jed turned to her admiring how she looked in the V-necked red dress. It hugged her curves and revealed a hint of cleavage and a lot of long slender leg. He knew he shouldn't be thinking such thoughts on his way to church, but that dress was a cock teasing dress if he'd ever seen one. Then again, he'd gone so long without sex that seeing her in a burlap sack would probably give him a hard on. 

"What?" She asked looking down at herself. 

"Nothing. You look good. Real good." She'd gained back a little of the weight that she'd lost and was no longer gaunt. The shadows were gone from under her eyes and her hair had grown into soft feminine curls that bounced at her collarbone. 

A gentle pleased smile touched Abbey's lips. This was the first time since she'd come home that Jed had commented on how she looked other than to say that she was too thin or looked tired. "Thank you, Jed." 

"Look at me, Daddy. I gots a new dwess." Not to be outdone by her beautiful mother, Aislinn spun around making the skirt of her red and green plaid dress fly out around her legs, her patent leather shoes clicking on the hard floor. Her blond curls were held back by two plaid- bowed barrettes. 

"It's a BEEEUUUUTIFUL dress and you're a BEEEUUUTIFUL little girl." Jed swept her up into his arms nuzzling her neck and making her giggle as he danced down the hall with her. 

"I gots weindeers on my shirt, Daddy." Nicholas pulled out the fabric of his hand-knit sweater, eyeing the reindeers that were flying across his chest. 

"Well, look at that, you do. I believe that's Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen. I guess Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen must have the night off." 

"And Wudolph," Aislinn reminded him. She and Nicholas were HUGE Rudolph fans. 

"And Rudolph, my love. And Rudolph." 

**** 

Candles dimly lit the church, the sweet scent of incense filled the air and the familiar story of Christ's birth was being told. For both Jed and Abbey Bartlet, sitting in the Catholic church on Christmas Eve was both familiar and special, and since it was a children's mass they didn't have to worry about Nicholas' and Aislinn's fidgeting and curious whispers. Jed was trying to quietly explain the Stations of the Cross when the uplifting strains of organ music filled the room and the children immediately quieted. 

> _O holy night! The stars are brightly shining,_  
>  It is the night of the dear Saviors birth.   
> Long lay the world in sin and error pining   
> Till He appeared and the soul felt its worth.   
> A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,   
> For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.   
> Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angel voices!   
> O night divine, O night when Christ was born;   
> O night, O holy night, O night divine!

Jed felt the tears burn his eyes and he reached blindly for Abbey's hand. He was one of those sinners. He'd made mistakes, mistakes that had hurt people, but God still loved him. He'd fallen on his knees and begged for forgiveness. He'd done his penance, been absolved of his sin, now if only his wife could find it in her heart to forgive him maybe he could start to forgive himself. 

> _Led by the light of faith serenely beaming,_  
>  With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand.   
> So led by light of a star so sweetly gleaming,   
> Now come the wise men from Orient land.   
> The King of kings lay thus in lowly manger;   
> In all our trials born to be our friend.   
> He knows our need, our weakness is no stranger,   
> Behold your King! Before him lowly bend!   
> Behold your King! Before him lowly bend!

Abbey was back in that dark suffocating closet, the only thing keeping her sane – keeping her from giving up – her faith in God and her faith in Jed. In her deepest trial, He had been there by her side knowing her weakness and giving her strength. For so many months now she'd concentrated on the negative, concentrated on what had been done to she and her daughters. It was time to let that go and to embrace the fact that God had seen fit to spare her life and that of her daughters. They had come so close to being killed, but God had seen them safely through, had guided Zoey and Aislinn through the dark Pennsylvania woods. God, through his son Josiah. Her mind drifted back to that closet and how she'd closed her eyes and seen Jed's face urging her to stay strong, to keep fighting. She thought about Zoey telling her "I kept thinking about how Daddy used to tell us that if we got lost to find a stream and follow it downstream and that's what I did." She thought about Jed risking his freedom to order a covert rescue operation. Her faith had been rewarded both heavenly and mortal. 

> _Truly He taught us to love one another,  
>  His law is love and His gospel is peace.   
> Chains shall He break, for the slave is our brother.   
> And in His name all oppression shall cease.   
> Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,   
> Let all within us praise His holy name;   
> Christ is the Lord! O praise His name forever!   
> His power and glory ever more proclaim!   
> His power and glory ever more proclaim! _   
>    ( _O Holy Night_ by Adolphe Adam)

Abbey's own eyes welling with tears; she squeezed Jed's hand, smiling up at him. He gazed down on her with eyes soft and tender and full of the power and miracle of love. 

**** 

"Wok me, Mumma…PEASE…You gots to wok me." 

Once back from church, Christmas Eve had been a flurry of activity. Abbey, Jed, Zoey and Ellie had shared an early supper with the kids and then Abbey had bathed them while they listened to the soundtrack from _The Nutcracker_. Once bathed and in their pajamas, they had been careful to set out snickerdoodle cookies for Santa because Daddy had told them they were Santa's favorite. Mommy thought Mrs. Claus might like a few oatmeal chocolate chip ones, so they put out a couple of those as well and, of course, a few carrots and sliced apples for the reindeer; there was no way they'd forget Rudolph. Then it was storytime which had culminated with Jed's annual reading of _'Twas the Night Before Christmas_ , which even Ellie and Zoey came to listen to. Having their father read that Christmas classic was something that went back into the girls' earliest most cherished memories. Now, with Jed off seeing to a couple of oversea phone calls, the over-stimulated children were pushing Abbey, trying to get to stay up later. 

"I'll rock you for exactly fifteen minutes and then you are both going to bed; no ifs, ands or buts." 

"Okay, Mumma." Both children climbed up onto her lap and each silky head lay heavy against her breasts gazing up at her with sleepy blue and green eyes just as they had when they were infants and she would nurse and rock them. Exhausting? Yes, they could be, but also so warm and sweet and loving it could make her heart ache. It was so peaceful, sitting in the dark with the _Dance of the Sugarplum Fairies_ playing softly on the stereo and her babies curled up safely on her lap sucking their thumbs and clutching their blankies and stuffed animals. She stroked their hair and nuzzled their heads inhaling Johnson's baby shampoo and skin that smelled of their _Dora_ bubble gum bubbles. She had so much to be thankful for this Christmas, so much to be grateful for. 

It took less than fifteen minutes for the two overtired children to fall asleep in Abbey's arms and after tucking them in with kisses and prayers for their health and safety Abbey made her way from nursery to her bedroom to pull out all the presents she'd been hiding over the past month. Unfortunately, true to form, she couldn't always remember where she'd hidden them. She was forever losing presents. This year she was missing the set of James Herriott's _All Creatures Great and Small_ paperbacks that she'd bought Annie after the girl had confided in her that she had decided to be a veterinarian when she grew up. She'd searched all her drawers and then thought she might have slipped them into one of Jed's. She pilfered through his sock drawer and was just starting on his underwear, grinning at the novelty boxers – SpongeBob that the kids had gotten him and white ones with little red hearts that she'd gotten him one year for Valentine's Day – when she noticed a leather notebook hidden underneath them. Puzzled, she picked it up. It was flipped open as if a notation had quickly been made and Abbey saw her name. It was a journal. These were Jed's musings. 

Abbey quickly shut the book not wanting to invade his privacy and tried to walk away. But, a part of her wouldn't let her continue on. Somehow she knew that it was all there. Everything that she'd needed to hear from Jed; everything that he'd been unwilling to share. Instead of walking away, she went to the nightstand to grab her reading glasses then sank down on the couch with the notebook opening to the first page and began scanning some of the entries. It was written in longhand, not typed, not dictated; this was Jed, his handwriting conveying the emotions of his words, sometimes messy and hurried as if he was afraid to lose the thought, and sometimes curled and drawn out and…smudged? Were there tears? Had Jed actually cried when he'd written some of these words? Abbey bit her lip, not sure if she was ready to submerge herself in her husband's pain, in the pain that she had helped to inflict, but now that she had started she couldn't stop. 

> _"Dearest Abigail,_
> 
>      Today it's been a week since you left with the children. It feels more like a year. The days drag on endlessly and I find myself wondering what you are doing, what you are thinking. I feel so disconnected from you right now. I'm lost, Abbey. I'm lost. Stanley wants me to write down how I feel to try to help with my despair. I thought the words would come easy. I've never had a problem writing before but I just can't seem to find the words. How do I describe the emptiness? The pain? The complete and utter isolation I find myself in? How can I explain the terror at having you and the children so far away from me when I've only just gotten you back." 
> 
> "Dearest Abigail, 
> 
>      Have you forgotten me, Abbey? I don't hear from you and you won't talk to me. You, who used to call me three times a day when we were apart. I'm the man you used to say that you loved. I'm the man who used to sleep all wrapped up in your arms. I'm the man you used to say you could never get enough of or ever live without. I'm still that man, Abbey, but you can't see me anymore. I know it's my fault, I know I deserve this pain, this punishment, but as hard as this is for me, I know it is nothing compared to what you went through. To lose you would be a price that I could not bear. Maybe it's what I deserve and maybe even that would still not be a price high enough, but you have to know that it would be the end of me. At least the end of the man that I am right now. Abbey, you've always been the only one for me. It's been that way since you were nineteen years old and took my breath away, since the moment that I first saw you and you changed my life forever, since the moment that I first held you in my arms and thought, 'My GOD, this is I. This is what the poets rhapsodize about. This what musicians sing about. This is LOVE.' I think I'm just one of those men who is destined to love one woman his entire life, and no matter what happens between us, that woman will always be you. You taught me to love, Abbey, deeper than I ever thought possible and that has been both a blessing and a curse, for now just the thought of losing that love is enough to send me into the darkness of despair. I'm scared, Abbey. I'm so afraid of pushing you too hard, of losing you, of losing the love that you have for me."

Abbey watched the tear drip from her chin onto the page before her, mingling with the tears Jed had shed while he wrote of his anguish and, for a moment, they were crying together, sharing their grief, their pain. She had known that leaving him would not be easy for him, but never in her wildest dreams had she ever believed that he might think it would turn into anything permanent, that she would be able to bear to live without him anymore than he could her. She ran her fingers over the words where he spoke of his love for her. If only he could have said that to her, if only he'd tried to make her see. No, that wasn't fair. She hadn't been willing to listen to him, she'd pushed him away so hard and so far it was amazing that he'd had the strength to come back for more. She pushed her glasses off into her hair and wiped her palms over her cheeks to remove the tears, then with a deep breath, placed them back on the bridge of her nose and continued to read. 

> _"Dearest Abigail,_
> 
>      I am reduced to a thing that wants. I read that somewhere once and it about sums up how I'm feeling right now. It's 3 a.m. and I've just awakened from yet another nightmare where you slipped away from me and disappeared in the fog. I lay awake at night and think of all the threats that are out there, of all the ways that you and the children could be hurt and I feel both terrified and impotent. I sit here sweaty and scared with my heart racing and I WANT, Abbey. I want you back with me. I want my children back in my arms, but most of all, I want things to go back to the way that they were before this happened. I want to go back in time and stop you from walking out that door. I want to go back to a time before you found out what I'd done, before you found out who I'd become. I want you, Abbey. I ache for you. I see you in my dreams and it's there in the oblivion of sleep that I can hold you, kiss you, touch you, and make love to you. I miss you more than you can ever know. I'm not whole without you." 
> 
> "Dearest Abigail, 
> 
>      How much rejection am I supposed to be able to bear? How much pain until you say enough? I sit here in the wee hours of the morning unable to sleep and those are the thoughts that overwhelm me. I think of the day you told me you were leaving and taking the kids to New Hampshire and that whether or not I could join you was irrelevant. I think of the day that you asked me not to come back to the farm, to OUR home, and to let you and the children heal in peace. I think of every phone call that I made to you and every time Zoey told me you weren't available to talk. I think of the way you flinched when I touched you and the way you shut me out of our bedroom… the way that you shut me out of OUR life. I tell myself that I can't stand much more, that my penance is too great, but I have no choice. I have to try to bear my cross. Because, really, what is the alternative? You are my wife. You are the mother of my children, and you are the woman that I love more than I love life itself. I want to help you; I NEED to help you. And so, I will bear it because one day––I have to believe––you will realize that you need me, too and I'll be waiting for you with open arms. Waiting for you to come home." 
> 
> "Dearest Abbey, 
> 
>      Everything here is so bleak and dark without you. I don't have the energy to care. I don't have the energy to fight. I don't even have the energy to write..."

Abbey's breath caught in her throat. It was the last entry. The last thing he'd written before she came home. Leo was right. Jed had needed her. Abbey set the journal aside and wrapped her arms around her waist, her tears falling freely, sobs catching in her throat. She cried for the man that she loved and for what she had done to him. She wept over the incredible love that he had for her and for the fact that even in his darkest moments, he'd never lost faith in her, that he was willing to bear any pain if it meant that one day she would come back to him. 

"Oh, God, Jed. What did I do to you?" 


	27. Finding Our Way Back Home

Jed made his way down the hall from the War Room. He heard a late night Christmas Eve party going on in CJ's office, but didn't bother to stop in. He wasn't really in the spirit this year. If he had been, there was no way he would be heading to the Oval Office to pick up his briefcase and bring it back to the Residence to do work at some point during the holiday. He stopped at his desk to pick up some papers to put in his case and saw a small CD player sitting there wrapped in a red bow with a note saying "play me". A puzzled frown crossed his face and he looked around the office. No one was there. Tentatively, he hit the play button and sat back in his chair to listen to the music, the words washing over him like little revelations. 

> _I don't know what is that makes me love you so_  
>  I only know I never wanna let you go   
> 'Cause you started something, can't you see?   
> That ever since we met you've had a hold on me 
> 
> It happens to be true   
> I only want to be with you 
> 
> It doesn't matter where you go or what you do   
> I wanna spend each moment of the day with you   
> Look what has happened with just one kiss   
> I never knew that I could be in love like this 
> 
> It's crazy but it's true   
> I only want to be with you 
> 
> You stopped and smiled at me, and asked me if I'd care to dance   
> I fell into your open arms and I didn't stand a chance 
> 
> Now listen, honey, I just wanna be beside you everywhere   
> As long as we're together, honey, I don't care   
> 'Cause you started something, can't you see   
> That ever since we met you've had a hold on me 
> 
> No matter what you do   
> I only want to be with you   
> No matter what you do   
> I only want to be with you.   
>    ( _I Only Wanna Be With You_ by Vonda Shepard)

The music stopped and Jed was still staring at the player trying to make sense of the gift, of what his wife was trying to tell him – if this was it, the opening that he'd been waiting for. 

"Why didn't you ever tell me?" 

Jed looked up to see Abbey standing in the doorway. She still wore the red dress that she'd worn to Mass earlier in the evening, but her eyes were slightly red and puffy. She'd been crying. Crying? 

"Why didn't I tell you what?" 

"I knew that when I found out about Abdul Shareef on television that you'd broken my heart. I just never knew that I broke yours." Tears welled again in her eyes and she stepped into the office towards him. 

"What are you saying, Abbey?" He was wary, not quite sure where all this was coming from. 

" _And so, I will bear it because one day––I have to believe––you will realize that you need me to and I'll be waiting for you with open arms. Waiting for you to come home,_ " Abbey quoted him. "I want to come home, Jed. Let me come home." She stepped forward, willing his arms to open to her. She was not disappointed. Still in shock, Jed opened his arms, his body reeling as he felt her wrap her slender arms around his torso and bury her face into his chest; his anger warring with the joy and relief of this giant step toward reconciliation, of the first affection she'd shown him in months. 

"You read my journal? How could you do that, Abbey? That was private." 

"Don't be pissed at me. Please, I can't bear it if you're pissed at me right now. I didn't mean to do it. I was looking for a present I'd hidden and I found it. It was open." 

"So, you read it?" He pulled back slightly. 

Abbey nodded with guilt. "Why didn't you ever tell me what I was doing to you? That I was DESTROYING you?" 

"Why do you THINK, Abbey? You read the journal. You tell me." 

Abbey was silent, her eyes pleading with him for forthright honesty. Finally, Jed couldn't stand it. She deserved better than he was giving her, even if she had invaded his privacy. 

"Because I deserved it. I DESERVED everything you threw at me and quite possibly even more. MY enemies, Abbey, NOT yours. You shouldn't have been involved. I'm the one who should have paid the price. I'M the one who should have been burned, whose arm and finger should have been broken. I'm the one who had a man killed…ME…" His finger jammed forcefully into his chest. "You were innocent, Abbey, and so were the girls. I'm the one who should have paid the price and I'll live with that guilt for the rest of my life." 

"Do you think that would have made it any better for me? Any easier?" 

Jed shrugged. He knew it would have been easier on him. Easier than waiting around picturing his wife and daughter being raped and tortured, easier than waiting around to hear that they'd been killed, easier than watching a sadist torturing his wife on that screen in the war room, and a lot easier than not knowing if she were alive or dead. 

At Jed's lack of response, Abbey continued on. "It wouldn't have been easier, not in the least. If they'd taken you, tortured you…" Abbey couldn't go on with that train of thought. Jed reached out a hand for her but she gently shrugged him off. 

"Why didn't you tell me about Shareef?" She had to know. She'd asked him this question once and he'd left it at "Because I didn't." but she needed to know. Nothing would ever be the same until she knew. "Why wasn't I important enough to be told?" 

"Important enough? Is that what you think?" 

"What am I supposed to think? You order the assassination of a man. You make tormented love to me the very morning after you did it, and yet, you never told me. Everyone else knew but me. Do you have any idea of how that feels? How much it HURTS? To know that you thought you couldn't trust me." 

"It had nothing to do with trust, Abbey. It had nothing to do with national security. Hell, it didn't even have much to do with me being the President. It all had to do with me – me, Jed Bartlet, your husband, the man you love. Not everyone knew, Abbey, just Leo and the Joint Chiefs and National Security; it's not like we were sitting around planning this out and saying that we had to make sure to keep you in the dark." 

"So, you kept your staff in the dark as well?" Abbey hated the petty jealousy that caused her to feel suddenly a bit better about things. 

"For a while. But I didn't worry about them. Hell, do you really think I gave much of a damn if they found out? If CJ or Toby or Josh found out? No, I didn't. But, I DID care about you finding out. I was afraid…" 

"Afraid of what? Afraid of ME?" 

"Maybe, yes. Afraid of disappointing you, of not being the man you thought I was. Afraid you'd think of me as some kind of Mafia don, some kind of killer. Afraid that finding out would change the image that you had of me, the respect you had for me, and most of all the love you had for me." 

"Jed, how many times do I have to tell you that it doesn't work that way. I'll never stop loving you. NEVER. You can piss me off until the cows come home and I won't stop loving you. I may get angry, I may slam a few doors, and, yes, this time I went away for a while to clear my head, but I never once stopped loving you. Trust? Well, I had some issues with that. But, never love." 

Jed nodded but Abbey could see the uncertainty in the blue depths of his eyes. It was the same look he had when he was in the same room as his father. 

"Damn that man," Abbey cursed. 

"Who?" 

"Your FATHER. Do you know how many times I've damned him to the pitfires of hell for what he did to you? I hate that he taught you that love can be turned on and off like a spigot, that if you disappointed me, I'll stop loving you; that my love is in any way conditional." She moved forward cupping his face in her hands. "Why can't I love you enough to make up for that?" Her voice broke then. 

"You do, Abbey, you do. Maybe that's why I get this way. I love you with an intensity that boggles the mind. I survived not living up to my father's expectations of me. I survived his lack of love. I couldn't survive losing your respect and admiration, and I sure as hell couldn't survive losing the love you have for me." 

"And you thought that would happen if you told me about Shareef?" 

Jed nodded. "I was struggling, Abbey. I was morally sickened by what I'd done, but I had to do it. He was planning terrorist activities in MY country on MY turf against MY people – the people I'd sworn to protect and defend. He had plans to blow up the Golden Gate Bridge. I couldn't let him do that, Abbey. All I could picture were cars plunging into the bay – people screaming, babies drowning in cars as they sunk underwater and all those family members coming to me and saying 'You KNEW this could happen and you did NOTHING to stop it.' I did what I had to do as President. Do you remember that morning that I came to you at Harmony Point?" 

"Of course I do." She remembered the pain in his voice, the tortured look in his eyes. 'I had to do it, Abbey. I had to do it.' He'd been pleading with her to understand… and she had. Without knowing what happened, relying only on the faith that she had in her husband she'd responded, 'I'm sure you did the right thing, Jed.' 

"You trusted me. You trusted that I'd done the right thing. You didn't ask any questions." 

"I didn't need to. I knew you. And now, knowing what that animal planned for our country, for our people, I know you did the right thing. I just don't understand why you didn't trust me to come to that conclusion." 

"Because by the time I came to terms with it in my own mind, I realized the scope and magnitude of what I'd done. In the World Court I could have been brought up on charges. Because of me you'd just lost your medical license. If I hadn't accepted the censure, you would have had to sit in front of that Congressional panel and admit that you'd helped me. I couldn't take the chance of that happening to you. If this came to a head, I wanted you to be able to look everyone in the face with all honesty and say that you had no idea I'd done this. I NEEDED that Abbey. When I came to you that morning I felt dirty and sullied and making love to you was a way to cleanse myself. You were innocence and purity and all that was good with the world. I needed to keep you that way. I didn't want you to have to pay for what I'd done the way you had with your medical license. Guess that didn't work out as planned." Jed turned away from her, his eyes stinging. 

"Jed," Abbey placed a gentle hand on his shoulder turning him back to her, chagrined at the pain shining so brightly in his eyes. 

"I'm so sorry, Abbey. I should have told you before you had to find out on TV, but I looked at you lying in that hospital bed, battered and bruised and emotionally reeling and I just couldn't do it. I couldn't tell you that what you had gone through was all because of me." His voice broke catching on a sob. "All I ever wanted to do was to protect you and because of me you were kidnapped, tortured and molested. Because of me, you had to barter your body for the lives of our daughters. Because of me, you have nightmares that are so terrifying you have to take pills to stop the panic. I just don't know how to apologize enough; it can never make up for that. I can never make up for that." 

"Jed, stop it, please. It wasn't because of you. It was because of Azim Shareef and Hassan Al Khaleel. I'd be lying if I said there weren't times that I didn't think that it was your fault. That if you hadn't run for a second term, it wouldn't have happened. That if you hadn't ordered the assassination, it wouldn't have happened. But, I realized something while I was taking those long hikes in the White Mountains and riding Aquinnah through the woods. If you hadn't run for a second term and I was back practicing medicine in Boston and was mugged and beaten, would I blame that on you because you decided not to run? If you hadn't ordered the assassination, might Abdul Shareef have set off a bomb in a car with me and the children in it and killed us? We'll never know because life doesn't work that way. I was not kidnapped because you made sure a terrorist would never be able to hurt our people, I was kidnapped because three evil fanatics decided that they would use me and our daughters as leverage against you. Because of YOU, I was rescued before I was raped and killed. Because of YOU, I survived." 

"Oh, God, baby…do you know how much I want to believe that?" 

"Then believe it, because it's the truth, Jed." And then because she wanted to give him everything, because she wanted to take away his pain she placed her hands on the sides of his face watching the emotions play out in his beautiful cerulean eyes and gently, ever so gently she pressed her lips to his. 

A soft sound emanated from the back of Jed's throat, relief and joy and grief all mingled into one sound. 

"I'm tired of running, Jed. I'm tired of running away from my feelings, from my fears…from you." 

"Good." He ran his thumb gently over her full lower lip. "'cause I'm getting tired of chasing you." 

"But you didn't, not really, Jed. I kept waiting for it, waiting for you to ask me to come back but you never did. I went up there to get away and lick my wounds and the wounds of your children in private. And, you know, maybe a part of me did want to punish you at that point. I was so angry and so hurt after, yet again, having to turn on the TV to find out what was going on in my husband's life that I just needed to inflict some damage of my own. I'm not proud of that and I do regret it. But, you know what? That didn't work out so well for me." 

"No?" 

"No. Maybe in the beginning it did. It did help to get away from all the pressure and the scrutiny for both me and the girls, but after a while.…I needed you…I needed you so much, Jed." Abbey ran her fingertips under her eyes releasing the tears. 

"Why then? Why did you push me away?" 

"I was hurt and confused and too damn stubborn to admit what I needed. I'd told you not to come. I knew how easy it would be to forgive you and I wasn't quite ready for that. There were a lot of things I still needed to work through. In the beginning I may have wanted to punish you, but in the end I only ended up punishing myself because I NEEDED you. I needed you so much." 

"The hardest thing I've ever done is to let you go. To let you leave me and to keep the faith that your love was strong enough to bring you back to me. I left you alone when every cell in my body was screaming at me to go to you, to force you to allow me to hold you and comfort you." 

"Why did you fight that?" 

"Because I thought the best thing that I could do for you was to let you go, no matter how hard it was on me. Because you were so cold, so distant. You were an Abbey I didn't know anymore. I was terrified that if I pushed you too hard, you'd shut the door in my face forever. We can't go back in time, Abbey, but that's all I've wanted to do since you were kidnapped." Tears filled his eyes as he cupped her cheeks in his hands and Abbey looked, really looked, into the face of the man that she loved, the man who embodied honesty, loyalty and faithfulness, the man who had taken a knife for her and flown through a hurricane to get her medical help. She took in the fine lines that radiated out from the corners of his gorgeous sky colored eyes, the gray that mixed with gold at his temples and her chest tightened at the grief, pain and torment she saw in that face, in those eyes; and in that moment, she hated herself for not forgiving him sooner, for letting him suffer the way that he had. "All I've wanted to do is go back before this happened…to prevent it…" 

"Sssh….sssh, baby. I know. I was wrong. I was so wrong, Jed." 

"No, no, Abbey, you weren't. Look at the girls – they're good, they're strong, they're healing. You did the right thing." 

"But, I was wrong to push you away. I was wrong not to allow you to be part of the process. I hope that one day you can forgive me for that. I was wrong and I was selfish. I was so wrapped up in my own needs that I couldn't see what I was doing to you and what I was doing to the kids, keeping you away from them. I didn't see how deeply I was hurting you. I was a cold, selfish bitch and I'm so sorry." 

"Hey, hey, hey, take it easy. You happen to be talking about the woman I love here. You have nothing to apologize for. You did what you had to do to get better. You were in a bad place, Abbey. I know that. I've learned a lot about posttraumatic stress lately and I know you were emotionally numb inside, I understand that. You're giving yourself a bum rap here. There isn't a selfish bone in your body. You were so wrapped up in helping our children that you neglected your own well being. That's not selfish, Abbey, that's being the kind of mother that you've always been. I just wish that your stupid husband here had known how to help you." 

"You're not stupid, Jed, never stupid." She reached out a hand to push back the hair that had fallen onto his forehead. Jed gently took the hand and pressed his lips into her palm. 

"I need you in my life again, Abbey – not as the First Lady, not as my children's mother – but in my life, in my arms and when you're ready, in my bed. I need my wife again." 

Abbey nodded. "I feel like I've been cold for so long. I want to feel warm again." 

"I feel like I've been dead inside for so long. I want to feel alive again." 

"Well, maybe we can help each other out with that." 

"Maybe we can." Gently, he tugged her forward cradling her head against his shoulder. He felt her breasts crush into his chest, felt her hips pressed up intimately against him as her arms slipped around his waist coming to rest at the small of his back. It felt so good to have her in his arms again, so small and soft and curvy, every feminine inch of her pressed up into his harder masculine form. This was how it was meant to be… soft and hard, curves and angles, man and woman, husband and wife. He buried his face into the silky fiery beauty of her soft auburn curls and felt her begin to sway in his arms. That was when he realized that the radio she'd placed on his desk was continuing to play Christmas music and without any conscious thought, they were suddenly swaying gently to the music. 

Jed's arms wrapped more tightly around Abbey and tears wet the front of his shirt where her face was pressed as they listened intently to the lyrics of the powerful love ballad being played. A song that miraculously enough seemed to convey all that they'd been through and all that they were feeling right in this moment. 

> _I am spinnin' around inside_  
>  Through the window you say "climb in for a ride"   
> All I want is what you are   
> But if I drive you to your door it'll go too far 
> 
> I know you by heart   
> Like the road back home   
> I know if we touched, I'd have to have you alone   
> I know you by heart   
> You're my very best friend   
> I know if I let you back, it would all start again 
> 
> I know you by heart   
> Like my own flesh and blood   
> What I feel for you, babe, goes deeper than love 
> 
> In your arms I feel the strength of all that's true   
> And when you say you love me, I know I was meant for you   
> But I don't know the part, no I don't know that part   
> No, I don't know what makes you go away 
> 
> But I am tired, worn down and all   
> I haven't the patience, the courage to take another fall   
> All I wish for you, babe   
> Is simple and sweet   
> For you to wake Christmas morning,   
> with the one who wants you for keeps 
> 
> I know you by heart   
> Like the road back home   
> I know if we touched I'd have to have you alone   
> I know you by heart   
> Every inch of your skin   
> I know if I let it start, I'd never want it to end   
> I know you by heart, the heart of your soul   
> I know you like the only home that I will ever know   
>    ( _I Know You By Heart_ by Katrina Carlson and Benny Mardones)

Outside the door that had been left open, the party had dispersed, and puzzled by the sound of music emanating from the Oval Office, the senior staff of the President gathered. They all stood silently as they gazed into the room. Lumps formed in their throats and smiles of relief touched their lips as they took in the first couple silhouetted in the darkened room by the flickering lights on the Christmas tree while snowflakes fell to the ground outside the big windows. They were barely moving, pressed intimately up against each other, obviously oblivious of anything but each other. And then they kissed, gently at first, but it didn't take long for it to deepen and that was the staffers cue to leave. 

Gentle and tender, Jed's lips explored Abbey's as if he were searching tentatively through her defenses, searching for where she was hurt and looking for a way to give her the healing balm she so badly needed. He was trying so hard not to push her any further than she was willing to go, but when he felt her fingers fist in his shirt and the sexy whimper at the back of her throat as she opened her mouth to him, he was lost. He'd been without this, without her, for too long. He shuddered and groaned and slid his tongue into her mouth at the same moment his fingers tangled in her hair. His mouth was hot and greedy but Abbey was as starved for this as he was, her tongue tangling with his in an erotic mating ritual that engulfed them both in the fiery kiss and left them breathless and panting. 

Jed thought for sure that during all those erotic wet dreams he'd had about her that he'd remembered all of this, how she felt, how she tasted, how she sounded, but he couldn't have – this was so good, so incredible, so much more. 

Abbey stroked his tongue with hers, God, how she loved kissing Jed. Loved the feel of his rough shaven jaw and the pressure of his lips, the way he teased her with his tongue touching hers and retreating in exactly the same way he made loved to her. She never wanted it stop, and yet, she was aching and wanting so much more. Her hands began pulling at the back of his shirt until it was untucked enough to slide her hands underneath and feel the warmth of his bare back. Jed groaned and shuddered again as he felt her fingertips slide up and down his spine coming to rest, momentarily, at the dip in the small of his back, pushing her pelvis into his groin. She felt him then, full and hard, and straining against the fabric of his pants. Still keeping contact with his lips, she slipped a hand between their bodies, her fingers tracing the burgeoning bulge that had Jed's hips instinctively pushing into her hand. For Jed, it was a wake up call. If Abbey was going to touch him there, things were going to go further than he had planned, further than maybe she was ready for them to go. He tore his lips away from hers, taking in her full swollen mouth and slumberous eyes, his erection throbbing with need. 

"Abbey?" 

Abbey knew exactly what he was asking and she was touched. In response, her hands moved up to her chest and began unbuttoning her dress. Jed watched with a dry mouth as she parted the fabric that covered her breasts revealing the lacy red bra she wore underneath. Without a word, she took his hand and slipped it inside the dress covering the mound of her breast with his big warm hand. He felt her nipple harden in response and instinctively ran his thumb over the hardened peak. Abbey's breath came out on a sigh and she arched her back at the exquisite sensation. Jed's fingers tangled in the front clasp of the bra and separated it baring her lovely full breasts to his scrutiny. Abbey cried out as his mouth closed over her nipple suckling at her at the same time he pressed her back up against his desk, his hands reaching down for the hem of her skirt and she felt a quick thrill; this was really going to happen. Jed was going to make love to her right here, right now. Her thighs clenched together trying to ease the ache that was forming there, the pulsing need. He had her dress pushed up to her hips now and his hand was moving up her thigh. Abbey felt the knowing smile on his lips as he found the bare skin between her stockings and her garters and knew he was thanking God that she loved sexy lingerie even when a moment like this was not planned. Then suddenly she lost all coherent thought. Jed's fingertips had found the damp lace panties that covered the secret mound between her thighs. He touched his thumb to the wet fabric and pressed in against her clitoris. Abbey gasped; it had been so long since she'd been touched there that it only took a couple swipes of his thumb to make her come. Her cry of surprise and pleasure was muffled into his shoulder, but still she wanted more. It wasn't enough, not nearly enough, had not sated her desire for him, merely intensified it. Her legs were shaky from the power of her orgasm and she felt Jed hike her skirt up even further and lift her up onto the desk. Abbey's thighs parted, her legs wrapping around his hips in a move she had made thousands of times. She reached for his zipper, hands shaking with need. 

"Uh…Mr. President, door open here." Debbie Fiderer's voice was as effective as if they'd had ice water thrown on them. Jed stepped back and while keeping Abbey shielded, buckled his pants back over the erection that was screaming with protest. Abbey hopped off the desk shoving her skirt down over her hips and closing her blouse over her breasts, her face flushed with embarrassment. Both their hands were shaking with frustrated desire. 

Jed cleared his throat trying for a professional presidential tone. "Thank you, Debbie." 

Debbie was nowhere to be seen but they could hear the humor in her voice as she left her office and headed off down the hall. "Merry Christmas, Mr. President, Mrs. Bartlet." 

"Merry Christmas, Debbie." Abbey gave a soft embarrassed chuckle. "We've always been so damn careful in this room and now look, the one time we decide to go for it, we get caught." 

"Well, it helps when we don't leave the door open." 

"God, I hope no one else came in here looking for you and saw us like that." 

"Abbey, right now I don't care if every member of Congress was standing outside that door." He gazed down at his groin. "My balls are damn near turning blue. We need to take this upstairs." Abbey nodded in agreement and reached to take his hand, but before they could make it to the door, Jed stopped and turned to her. 

"Before we take this to the next level, there's something that I couldn't help but notice." 

"What?" 

"You haven't had your birth control pills in the medicine cabinet. Does that mean you don't need them anymore?" He was fishing and Abbey knew it. 

"Leave it to you, Jed," she chuckled. "You don't notice when I change brands of toothpaste or deodorant, but the minute anything that has to do with our sex life changes, you're all over it." 

"Abbey, answer the question." 

Abbey looked down at the floor. She'd damn near gotten so carried away on that desk, she'd almost had unprotected sex. It was scary for her to think that she could have gotten as carried away as an irresponsible teenager. Jed was right; she hadn't been taking her pills, but it wasn't because she didn't need them. 

"No, Jed, it's not like it happens overnight and one day I'll wake up and have gone through 'the change'. It's a prolonged thing and yes, I still need protection and no, I don't have my birth control pills. My prescription came due and I opted not to refill it." 

"Why? Are you having a problem with the prescription?" 

"No. I didn't want to have them because I was angry and I didn't want to make love with you." 

"And now?" 

"And now I could SHOOT myself. What are we going to do? I want to make love with you. I want you inside me." 

"What about your diaphragm, do you still have it?" 

"Yeah, but I can't use that Jed. I was fit for it right after the twins were born, and I haven't used it since I stopped nursing them and went back on the Pill. Things change inside after a birth and it's been over two years. It would be chancy to use it." 

"DAMN!" If Abbey was frustrated, Jed was even more so. 

"It's okay," Abbey sighed. "Let's go upstairs and I can take care of this." She reached hand out to gently cup his crotch. He was still hard. 

"No, WAIT. I've got an idea. Go up to the bedroom, I'll be up in just a few minutes." 

"Jed–" 

"Go!" 

Reluctantly, Abbey turned to leave the office while Jed went bounding off down the hall. 

**** 

Josh was just putting his coat on when the door to his office was flung open and the President of the United States stood there all out of breath as if he'd been running, his shirt untucked, his hair mussed, his face flushed. 

"Sir, can I help you?" 

"I sure as hell hope so. I need condoms." 

"Excuse me? Did I just hear you say that you need condoms?" 

"Yes, yes." 

"But, but the First Lady…she's…." 

"Oh, for crying out loud, Josh, I need them to use WITH the First Lady. We're a little short on birth control…and…well…it's been a LONG four months. Can you help us out or not?" 

"Yeah," Josh grinned. "I think I can help you out." He reached into his pocket and pulled out his wallet opening it to pull out a foil wrapped package that he dropped into the President's outstretched hand. When Jed kept his hand open, Josh reached back into his wallet for another condom his eyes widening when Jed continued to hold his hand open. 

"More?" he asked. Jed's response was a lifted brow and fingers urging him to add more packets to the two already in his palm. Josh made his way to his desk and pulled out an entire box of condoms, slapping it down onto the President's hand. "You GO, Mr. President." 

"I plan to, Josh. I plan to." 


	28. Finding Our Way Back Home

Jed stopped dead in his tracks as he burst through the bedroom door with little grace, and no finesse. A part of him had been terrified that Abbey might have changed her mind, that Debbie's interruption had killed the moment. He couldn't have been more relieved to find that he'd been wrong. Abbey lay stretched out across the bed horizontally, her head propped on her hand, her curvy little body clad only in a short tight black tank top that clung to her full breasts and scanty black lace French cut panties that rode low on her belly and high on her hips. His chest swelled with masculine pride to think that he'd brought her so much pleasure in the Oval Office she'd had to change her panties. 

"Well, what's the verdict?" 

"We're covered, babe. Or, at least I will be." He grinned and flashed the box of condoms at her. 

"Where did you– Oh, I don't even want to know. A whole BOX?" 

"Don't sell me short, sweet thing, I have a lot of lost time to make up for." 

"You and me both. So, are you coming to bed or what?" She patted the mattress right next to her. 

"As if you have to ask." Jed placed the box of condoms on the nightstand then turned back to where his wife lay in that seductive pose that already had him stirring back to life, not that he had ever completely softened. He quickly divested himself of his pants but the need to touch Abbey was so great he couldn't be bothered to strip any further. He stretched out beside her on the bed, reverently running a hand up her bare thigh to the swell of her hip relishing the feel of the soft curves. Abbey sucked in her breath as his fingertips brushed over her bare belly and caught on the hem of the tank top lifting the fabric up over her breasts baring them to Jed's eyes. 

"Jed, please, the light." Abbey was still self-conscious of the burn scars that marred the creamy skin of her breasts. 

Jed didn't reply, merely bent his head to the dime sized pale marks and pressed his lips to them, soothing her pain, healing her wounds, reminding her that what Khaleel had done to her was an abomination, and so far from the tender gentle care of her husband that it could not be compared. Tears stung Abbey's eyes at the loving care he was taking. His lips kissed their way over the warm swell of her breast toward the place he knew she wanted him most. He stopped briefly to trace the puckered edges of her areola with his tongue then finally drew her enticing pink nipple between his lips teasing and suckling the hard point and nipping it with his teeth until she cried out with the nearly unbearable pleasure and completely lost any self-consciousness about her scars. She felt his hand slide over the panties that covered the rise of her mound and she was instantly swept back into that vortex of desire that only he could create. Before she even knew what had happened, he had left her nipples wet, hard and distended, the cooler air rushing over the sensitive peaks making them ache for his attention again, but his focus had quickly shifted from her breasts to her nether regions. His tongue dipped into her belly button then traced the hollow of her belly down further to where he could nip gently at the silky fabric covering her warm female mound. 

"Take them off, Jed. Please–" Abbey lifted her hips allowing Jed to slide the tiny scrap down her thighs and do away with them. "Now you–" She started to tug at his boxers. 

"Not so fast, I'm not done making love to you yet." 

"Jed, please, I WANT you…" 

Jed ran a hand over the springy copper curls between her thighs and began to stroke her gently, feeling just how much she wanted him in the damp moistness of her core. "I promise, you're going to like this." He slid a finger inside her and Abbey moaned, parting her legs for him, her hips rising toward his hand as a second finger joined in and started creating the friction she loved and needed. 

"Jed…Oh JED…" She reached for his wrist hoping to make him go faster, but instead he withdrew completely leaving her bereft and even more desperate for him. "Jed…" she protested. "I…I want…" 

"I know what you want, babe." 

She watched his head disappear between her parted thighs. Sighing, she felt his lips kissing and nuzzling her damp curls. Gasping as she felt his fingers part her folds and his tongue slide out and over her clitoris circling, laving and sucking on her, her stomach muscles clenched with the ache that was building deep in her belly and her head tossed back and forth, her fingers alternately grasping the bedsheets and tangling in his thick hair. 

For Jed, this was nirvana. Abbey was the only woman he'd ever truly wanted in his life and the fact that he still wanted her so badly was a testament to the intensity of their passion. He loved his wife's body, loved the way she looked, the way she felt, the way she tasted. He loved just how responsive she always was to him, loved the way her nipples hardened with just a look from him, loved that he could make her so wet with need she had to change her panties, loved the way she desperately moaned his name while he made love to her and the little whimpers that came from the back of her throat as she approached her climax. But, most of all, he loved just how much she wanted HIM. Even as she was writhing in desire, surely on her way to her second orgasm of the evening, she was reaching for him, pressing against the hard pulsing bulge straining against the soft knit fabric of his boxers, then sliding inside to close over his hard swollen shaft, stroking him just the way she knew he loved. 

Abbey smiled with satisfaction at Jed's groan of pleasure as her hand continued to slide over the hot satiny hardness of his penis. She allowed herself only one momentary qualm when she questioned just how this piece of anatomy could be used by one as a weapon of pain and violence and by another as supreme tool used for only pleasure and love. Then she ran her thumb over the tip and felt the little pulse of liquid he expressed with another deep groan. 

"Abbey…." He pulled back from her. "Wait…I can't…." 

"I know…come inside me, Jed." 

"Give me a sec." Jed sat up and paused for a moment sitting on the side of the bed, breathing deeply trying to get himself under control, then reached for one of the foil packets. It had been a while since he'd used one of these and he was not as proficient as he might be. He was sliding the latex over his penis when he felt Abbey press up against his back, her hard nipples searing his skin as she began nuzzling at the back of his neck and slipping her hands inside the front of his shirt to stroke over the course hair on his chest. He was almost lulled by the sensual pleasure until she flicked her thumbs over his flat nipples then, as they grew hard under her fingers, she pinched them creating a stab of desire that ran right from his nipples, through his belly and out to the tip of his penis which he wasn't sure could get much harder. 

"Abbey," he groaned. "I don't wanna come before I get this thing on." 

Abbey chuckled and backed off. "Okay, okay, but I want that shirt GONE." 

"Yes, ma'am." Jed stood and shrugged out of his shirt, then leaned over to shut the light, leaving just a candle flickering romantically before he turned back to the bed. 

"Oh my GOD, Jed. What IS that?" 

"Well, Abbey. I know it's been a while but you can hardly play the innocent virgin. We do have five children. I don't think Old Hickory is all that alien to you." 

"Yeah, well, he's looking pretty alien to me tonight." 

Puzzled, Jed looked down, his eyes widening. Jutting out from his body at a 90-degree angle, his penis had a decidedly glowing green look to it. "Glow in the dark?" he said with disbelief. "They make glow in the dark condoms?" 

Abbey laughed. Not only had she missed the actually lovemaking, she'd missed the teasing and the intimate laughter that came with it. "Well, I don't care if it turns red, white and blue as long as it works. Now get back down here." 

Jed took her back into his arms, settling himself in between her legs and she reveled in the coarseness of the hair on his thighs that rubbed against the smooth sensitive skin of her own inner thighs. He kissed her then, deeply, passionately; his tongue stroking hers while he cupped her breast in his hand, teasing and taunting her nipple, all while running the length of his hard penis along the wet cleft between her thighs, the tip catching every so often to give her a tease of penetration. 

Abbey was gasping her body damp with perspiration as she dug her fingernails into his buttocks trying to get him to enter her. "I don't want to be empty anymore, Jed. Please…fill me up inside." 

She reached for the glowing green appendage between her thighs and brought him to her entrance. Jed paused before entering her, tenderly pushing the hair back off her face and cradling her cheeks to gaze intently into her beautiful sea-green eyes at this, their most intimate moment, checking for fear or reluctance but seeing only love shining brightly up at him. 

"I love you, Abbey." He kissed her gently as he started to penetrate her body, slowly sliding down the final road home. It had been a long time and she was tight, very tight, so his gentle thrusts forward and short pauses allowed her to get used to his size again. Abbey held her breath as he slid deeper and deeper within her, filling her and stretching her. She lifted her knees higher around his waist trying to ease his entry and cried out as he completely seated himself within her. Abbey closed her eyes, completely filled with the man she loved, his fingers interlacing with hers – as close as two people could be and she knew in her heart that she would love him forever, that there was nothing that could happen that would alter that love. Tears blurred her eyes with the depth and power of her emotions. 

"Hey, am I hurting you?" Jed started to withdraw his hips, sure that he had pushed too deep too fast. 

"No…no…" Abbey reached for his buttocks and held him fiercely inside her. "I just…I oh, God, Jed, it feels sooooo… good… and I love you…I love you…" 

Jed bent and kissed away one of the tears that trailed from the corner of her eye and his hips started thrusting inside her. Abbey's hands stayed on Jed's buttocks, digging her fingernails in to pull him into her again and again. Her hips rose to meet thrusts that grew harder and harder as the passion and need flared between them like a wildfire, every one of their senses focused on the area where their bodies were joined. Low moans and urgent sexy whimpers emanated from Abbey as she soared her way toward a glorious climax. She cried out Jed's name when she came, her nails digging harder into his rear, her whole body clenching around him, squeezing him in the vice of her pleasure. Jed's deep rough groans were only seconds behind Abbey and little aftershocks of pleasure continued to course through her as he grasped her hips in his hands and drove himself into her in a frenzy. Then, with a harsh cry of her name, he gave one final deep thrust and exploded, his body clenching and jerking with his orgasm. 

When it was over, they clung to each other, reluctant to break apart now that they had found one another again. Jed was still deep inside her, still hard, and still pulsing with little jolts of pleasure. He was heavy on top of her, but Abbey didn't mind. He was nuzzling her neck, her hair and murmuring words of endearment, of love and of pleasure. She was completely satiated, physically and emotionally wrung out and aching, unable to do much more than run a soothing hand over Jed's back. She could feel his heart still thundering ferociously against her breasts. How humbling and how utterly satisfying it was to her to know that she could do this to the most powerful man in the world. 

"Oh, damn. I forgot I had this thing on." Jed's hand moved between their bodies and he pinched the top of the condom carefully so it wouldn't leak and then withdrew from her making sure to twist away from her before taking it off, tying it off and discarding it in the trash. 

"Well, at least everyone will know we've made up." Abbey slid under the sheets and eyed the trash receptacle knowing the maids would spread that news like wildfire. She never thought she'd see the day that she just accepted that the servants would know and spread everything there was to know about her. 

"Want me to flush it?" He slid under the sheets beside her and Abbey immediately cuddled up to his side resting her head on his chest. 

"God, no. That's all we need is to back up the toilet." Her fingers began running over his chest as if she couldn't bear to lose the tactile experience of touching him again. She lay quietly in his arms just enjoying the intimacy of the moment. She knew Jed wasn't sleeping for his own fingers continued to caress her body with light gentle touches. She reached for his restless hand entwining their fingers together feeling as close to him as she ever had. Absently, he began twirling the rings on her finger – the rings he had placed there so many years ago. 

"You never took these off, did you?" he asked. But he already knew the answer. 

Abbey swallowed tightly knowing now after reading his journal just how deep his worry and insecurity had been on that matter. "No." She lifted his hand to her mouth pressing her lips to the back of it just over his own wedding ring. "I would never take them off voluntarily. From the moment we slid these rings on each other's fingers, we made a pledge that we belonged to one another. I've always belonged to you, Jed, that never once changed. I'll always belong to you." She kissed his hand once more, this time on the palm, then let it go so she could continue on exploring, touching him. Her fingers traced circles over his torso then delighted in the line of crisp hair that trailed from his naval, her fingers fanning out as she reached where that arrow flared out so she could tickle and play with the damp springy curls at his groin. An erotic thrill chased through her veins knowing that it was she who had dampened those curls, her own incredible pleasure that had soaked him while he made love to her. She loved that her scent had branded his body this way, his groin, his fingers, his lips, his tongue…they were covered with her. 

"We're really good this way," she murmured, kissing his nipple. 

"Hmmm…."Jed was already losing his capacity to think again. "What?" 

"In bed…It's amazing how really good we are this way." 

"Mmmm….yeah…." He rolled over to his side turning Abbey with him as he went so that he was spooned to her back, his sweaty chest pressed up hard to her spine, his groin pressed to her buttocks. In this position it was easier to idly run his fingers over her body cupping her breasts, gently stroking and pinching her nipples and slipping between her thighs where she was so warm and wet from the earlier pleasure he had given her. He felt himself stirring again against her rear; well it hadn't taken much because he'd never fully lost the erection. He wanted her again, wondered if he could ever get enough of her. Lost in a haze of sleepy sensuality, Abbey felt Jed turn away from her momentarily but he was soon right back where he started, warm against her back. She felt him lift her leg and gasped with surprise when she felt him sliding himself back within her from behind, already hard again. He wrapped his arm tightly around her belly, pulling her back against him to bury himself and Abbey's fingers dug into his forearm at the pleasure that fullness gave her. They lay that way for a few moments – Abbey fully penetrated, Jed dropping kisses on her bare shoulder and nuzzling the back of her neck and her hair. His fingers moved between her legs stroking her until her hips began unconsciously moving back against him, pushing him deeper inside her and then forward for harder strokes from his fingers, back and forth, back and forth, she needed the friction that very quickly already had her breath catching in her throat. Jed felt himself swelling and hardening inside her and began thrusting his hips into her, giving her the deep strokes she was asking for. For Abbey, being made love to in this position was almost sensory overload, an erotic experience that had her moaning and writhing against him. One of Jed's big hands was cupped over her breast, toying and tweaking her nipple, while his other sat between her thighs, his fingers circling over her clitoris even as he continued to surge within her with ever increasing speed and depth. His lips and teeth were sucking and nipping at her neck and earlobe and he was breathing harshly and softly grunting against her ear. 

Abbey's orgasm came quickly; she was too sensitized to hold out for long, and as soon as Jed heard her deep groan of his name and felt her fingers digging into his arm, pressing his hand harder against her mound, the lovemaking that had started out slow, lazy and languid suddenly became a hip pumping frenzy as he slammed himself against her rear and shattered in climax. And, even as it was over, he continued to move inside her, softly, gently, feeling her quivering around him. Abbey felt like a limp rag, satiated and exhausted, and knowing that morning was going to come awfully early with the kids being so excited about Santa. 

"SANTA!" Abbey pulled her hips forward disengaging herself from Jed's body and bolted upright. 

"Okay, I know you've referred to me as Jesus and God before, but…Santa?" Jed raised a brow as he discarded another used condom. 

"No– SANTA, Jed. We got so caught up in all of this–" She gestured to the rumpled bed covers and discarded clothes, "–that we forgot to put out the kids' gifts from Santa." 

"Oh, shit. We didn't?" He was wiped out with all the exertion over the past hour. 

"Yeah, we did." Her voice was muffled as she slid the black tank top over her head then grabbed for his boxers sliding them up her long sexy legs and over her hips. 

"Hey, those are mine!" he protested. 

"Finders keepers." she smirked. "Now get your robe on and get your ass moving. We have work to do." 

Grumbling, Jed slid on his comfy blue bathrobe, pausing to pick up a few foil packages that had fallen from the box of condoms when he had urgently grabbed for one the second time he'd made love to her and then followed Abbey out to the living room. 

**** 

"See, what did I tell you?" Coop, the Secret Service Agent who had been on Presidential duty, turned to the rookie agent on his left as the two men watched the First Lady carrying gifts to the living room wearing only a pair of men's knit boxers, that obviously belonged to the President, as they were too big for her and hung low on her hips, and a black tank top. Sean, the new agent, had been concerned the first time he'd heard the First Lady cry out in the bedroom and had wanted to check in, but Coop was a veteran of Presidential couple's lovemaking and even though he hadn't heard it in a while, he knew exactly what that sound was. Of course it hadn't taken long for the young man to realize just what those sounds meant and seeing the blush on his face, Coop had advised him that if he was going to have Presidential duty, he better get used to that kind of thing because it was obvious that the couple had made up and that would mean a lot more action if the past had any bearing. 

**** 

Abbey stood at the base of the Christmas tree glancing up at the glittering lights and the angel that smiled beatifically down on her. Contented and filled with the most incredible joy, she wrapped her arms around her middle, thanking God for her very own Christmas miracle; thanking Him that she and Jed had finally both found the road home and that despite the many curves and hills, it had led back to each other, to this reconciliation, to this amazing feeling of rebirth and second chances and a love so strong she was now positive that nothing could annihilate it. 

"Penny for your thoughts?" Jed wrapped his arms around her from behind, his lips nuzzling into her neck. 

"I was just thinking how lucky we are at how God gave us our own Christmas miracle." 

"I thank Him for it every day. You're my miracle – you, Zoey and Aislinn – getting you back safely." 

"We are so incredibly blessed. I lost sight of that for awhile dwelling on my own pain and hurt." 

"You deserved to feel that way. You needed to let yourself get through that." 

"I know. It's just…I don't want to feel that way anymore. I want to count my blessings. God gave me a second chance, Jed. God…" She twisted around in his arms to gaze up at him, running a loving hand over his jaw. "God…and you. I don't want to waste my second chance, OUR second chance, Jed. I want to make the most of it, make every day count. Life is so fragile and it can be taken away from us in an instant. I don't want to have any regrets if that happens to us. When Leo called me to come back, my first thought was that you'd had an M.S. flare up. I thought for sure the stress of me being gone and you being away from the children had done it, and I can't tell you what kind of guilt that brought on. But it also made me open my eyes to just what kind of chances I was taking with you…with us." 

"So you came back." He tucked a stay strand of hair behind her ear. 

"So I came back. It wasn't because of the shutdown. That was just an excuse. I came back because of you. Because I love you." 

Jed's chest expanded with joy and love. He shared so much with this small woman he held now in his arms – everything, really – his past, his present, his future, his children, his faith, his life and his love. "I love you, too." He pressed his lips to her brow with a tender kiss, a feeling of forgiveness enveloping him with a warmth that had been missing for so very long. "And I want to thank you for inviting Leo for Christmas." 

"I want to let it all go, Jed. The anger, the resentment, the hurt. I want to be free of it all because all that stuff was just wearing me down. It made me bitter and hostile and it was turning me into a person I was starting not to like very much. I don't want to be that person. And, well, it IS Christmas and nobody should be alone on Christmas." 

"Oh…yeah…Christmas." Jed smacked himself on the forehead. "I still have more gifts to get out here." 

"Well, by all means get your cute little butt back to work." She gave his rear a little tap and sent him on his way, then wandered off down the hall to peek in on the children and make sure they were still sleeping soundly. Then, satisfied that they would not be awakening, she headed back to where the Christmas feast sat on the fireplace mantle where Santa surely would not miss it. Taking a bite from an oatmeal chocolate chip cookie, she made her way back over to the Christmas tree. 

"Here you go, Jed." 

Jed looked up from where he was setting up Aislinn's new kitchen set near the Christmas tree and saw the plate of carrots she was holding out to him. 

"Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. My children made me snickerdoodles." 

"No, your children made SANTA snickerdoodles." 

"Yeah, well they left carrots for Rudolph and I don't see my nose glowing." 

"No, we'll leave the glowing for your penis," she chuckled, popping an apple slice into her mouth. 

"Very funny, Abigail, very funny." He reached for the red Santa cap that lay on the couch and popped it on his head. "Now can I have a cookie?" 

"Oh, what the hell, it's Christmas." Abbey handed a carrot stick to each of the dogs who then ran happily away to munch on them. Coop and Sean watched with impassive faces but smiles inside as the President and First Lady headed down the hall to the bedroom each carrying a plate of cookies and one tall glass of milk. 

"Merry Christmas, guys." Coop knew the President had to be exhausted – it was well after 1 a.m. – but there was ebullience to his step and his grin that had to be because of the earlier time spent in the bedroom. 

"Yes, Merry Christmas, guys." Abbey took a couple of cookies from their plates and handed them to the agents. 

"Thank you, ma'am." The First Lady was obviously in a good mood as well. 

**** 

Jed's eyes cracked open at the first rays of dawn. Abbey hadn't drawn the drapes the night before as she usually did, had probably been watching the snow that fell so infrequently here in Washington. They both missed the pristine frequent snowfalls of a New Hampshire winter. Abbey….She was all curled up his side, the sheets falling back to reveal her bare shoulder. They'd both been too exhausted when they'd crawled back into bed for anymore lovemaking, but they had both stripped down and climbed into bed nude, snuggling their bare bodies together and stroking each other gently until they fell asleep. Jed propped himself up on his elbow to watch his wife sleep. Her hair was a riot of tumbled russet curls, her dark lashes lay against her creamy complexion, her soft pink lips were parted just enough to make Jed want to run his tongue along them. Instead, unable to keep from touching her, he traced a fingertip over her delicately arched copper brows and down the bridge of her nose, smiling at the whimsical smattering of freckles knew so well. When those fingers reached her mouth, sliding across her full lower lip Abbey sighed and rolled onto her back. Jed smiled; the move had shoved the sheet further down and given him full access to the creamy swells of her bare breasts. With a touch as gentle as a feather, he ran his fingers over the full mound of one breast, grinning more widely as he watched her areola pucker and her soft pink nipple harden. Strawberries and cream, he ached to taste her again. 

Abbey drifted into consciousness aware of a sense of well being, of the fact that she was being touched, of fingertips playing across her breasts, of the fact that she was still a bit sore and tender between the thighs but she still had a vague sense of wanting more. 

"Jed?" She cracked one eye open. 

"Right answer, babe." He grinned up at her, eyes glittering impishly, his hair mussed and hanging over his brow. 

Abbey smiled sleepily and arched her back in a languid stretch lifting her breasts toward him. 

"God," Jed groaned cupping a hand over one full swell. "Do you have any idea how sexy you are when you're sleepy?" 

He kissed her then, his tongue slipping between her lips and stroking hers at the same he squeezed and kneaded her breasts. Abbey's hips began to shift as desire pooled hot and heavy in her belly, between her aching thighs. 

"Mmmm…Jed," she murmured against his lips. "We won't have time before…." 

"Ssshh…We'll have time. I'll be quick." He reached over her body for the nightstand and this time having had more practice, he was quicker than the night before, sheathing himself and getting back between Abbey's thighs before she quite knew what was happening. He stroked between her legs her for a little while until he had her breathing heavy and squirming against him; only then did he enter her, sliding deep in one fluid moment. Abbey moaned as he shifted his hips, thrusting within her and she grasped his shoulders with her fingers, her back arching with pleasure. 

"Jed…God…JED…" she cried out. Neither of them heard the door, that in their exhaustion they had forgotten to lock click open, or the sound of little bare feet that made their way across the room puzzled and confused by what their father was doing to their mother on that bed; why he was hurting her and making her cry out like that. 

"DADDY, 'TOP IT! 'TOP IT!" 


	29. Finding Our Way Back Home

Jed froze mid thrust at the sound of his son's voice, one hand instinctively grasping the sheets that at least covered him and Abbey from the waist down. 

"Oh, GOD." This time Abbey wasn't moaning in pleasure, she was shoving her hands against her husband's chest trying to push him off her body, trying to somehow minimize this compromising position. 

"Abbey…wait…" Jed pinned her thrashing shoulders down, and, carefully shielding her from the children with his chest, he withdrew from her and turned his back to the kids trying to hide her nude torso from them. 

"Daddy, you hurt Mumma?" Nicholas stood uncertainly at the side of the bed sucking his thumb while Aislinn entered the room and watched warily from further away. 

Jed swallowed hard. They'd thought he was hurting her? Well, he supposed it probably could have looked and sounded that way. 

"No…Oh no, sweetheart," Abbey peered over Jed's shoulder, quick to make sure they didn't get the wrong idea. "Daddy wasn't hurting me at all. We were…um…We were…" 

Jed raised a brow at her, wondering where she was going with this train of thought, but Abbey had clearly dug herself into a hole and she was looking at him desperately for help. 

"Playing," he interjected. "Mommy and I were just playing. I was tickling her." 

"You was westling?" Nicholas grinned. Now wrestling was something the little boy understood. "You like westling, Mumma?" 

"Yeah," Abbey smiled into Jed's shoulder. "I like wrestling with your daddy." 

"Daddy, why you kiss Mumma?" 

"Weellll…I like to kiss your mother 'cause she's so darn pretty, I can't help myself. There are times when I just have to kiss her." 

"You like to kiss Mumma," Nicky grinned knowingly. 

"Yes, son. I do like to kiss your mother. You got a problem with that?" 

"Does Mumma like it when you kiss her?" 

"I think I'll let her take that one," Jed grinned. 

"Um..yeah," Abbey stuttered. "It's nice when your daddy kisses me. It shows me that he loves me." 

"Okay, den. It's okay if you wanna kiss mumma, Daddy." 

"That's for the permission, squirt." Jed's grin grew even broader. 

"I kiss Mumma." It was a demand not a question. 

Abbey pulled the sheets to cover her chest and leaned forward to accept Nicky's sweet kiss to her lips. "I wuv you, too, Mumma." 

Abbey swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat at that sweet declaration and for all the love that she felt surrounding her. Emotions that she had kept suppressed for so long were now right on the surface, leaving her feeling raw and exposed and so damn good that she felt like weeping for the simple joy of it all. 

Unfortunately, however, when she had tugged the sheet up on herself, it lowered on Jed, a fact he hadn't noticed but WAS noticed the other little visitor to the room. 

"Daddy, I see your BUTT," Aislinn giggled. "Why you naked?" 

Jed's face heated and he stuttered, unable to come up with a good answer to that one. 

"Mumma's naked, too," Nicky informed her. "You take a baf?" The children were used to bathing with their parents and seeing them nude was not a huge issue for them, seeing them nude in bed, however, was something new. 

"Well, we were planning on it," Jed latched on to the out they'd been given. "But we were interrupted by you two. Which reminds me – haven't we asked you to knock before coming into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom when the door is shut?" 

Aislinn nodded, she'd heard that before. But, then she remembered WHY they had been so excited to come into Mommy and Daddy's room. "But…but….we want to see our pwesents!" 

"Oh." Abbey slid out of bed unconcerned now that her nudity had been explained away to her children, slid back into Jed's boxers and the tank top she had discarded on the floor and wrapped herself in her green silk bathrobe. "Do you think Santa came?" 

"I don't know," Aislinn frowned. "Gamma won't let us see. She said go get Mommy and Daddy." 

"Ah." Abbey wasn't sure if it was Emily or Elizabeth she had to blame for this embarrassing little predicament. 

It wasn't quite so easy for Jed to get up. He could only imagine the questions he'd get over the green latex that still covered him, so he waited for Abbey to bring him his robe then discreetly made his way to the bathroom before rejoining them. 

"This is all your fault, you know." The four Bartlets and their dogs were making their way down the hall toward the closed doors of the living room and Jed was whispering rather loudly. 

"MY fault? How do you figure that? I seem to remember that it was YOU who said, and I quote, 'We'll have time, I'll be quick.'" 

"Hey, I can't be TOO quick. Don't want to get in trouble with the wife, you know. She tends to have objections with that." 

"She didn't have many objections last night," Abbey very nearly purred. 

"No?" Jed's chest puffed out with masculine pride. 

"No." 

"Mumma! Daddy! Santa COMED!" The breathless excitement as the twins flung opened the doors to the living room had Abbey and Jed walking faster to catch up. 

"I'm glad somebody did," Jed grumbled. 

"Jed!" Abbey elbowed him in the ribs with a small burst of laughter. "Get over it. We'll have time later to finish up what we started." 

"Promise?" 

"Promise." 

"Mumma, Daddy, our stockings is FILLED!" 

Abbey and Jed entered the room. The Christmas tree lights were on and twinkling, Christmas music played softly on the stereo and colorful presents were spread out in huge piles all around the Christmas tree. A fire blazed in the fireplace and Michael and Elizabeth O'Neill sat holding hands on the couch before it with Oliver the cat stretched out on their laps. 

"We gutted them, Gamma," Aislinn and Nicholas danced with excitement in front of the fireplace where their personalized Rudolph Christmas stockings hung low, laden with gifts. 

"I see that." Beth smiled at her yawning daughter and son-in law as they moved to take the kids' stockings down for them. 

"They was in bed westling," Nicky informed them with all innocence. 

"And they was all NAKED," Aislinn added with a giggle. 

Abbey and Jed froze, their faces reddening with humiliation. Michael choked on his coffee, his own face flushed with embarrassment. It didn't matter how many years that his daughter had been married, she was still his little girl, and it was still a jolt to his system to hear about her being caught in the act of having sex. 

"Naked wrestling," Leo said from the doorway. "Hmmm…I wonder just what they were up to." 

"Gross." Wearing bathrobes and yawning, Ellie and Zoey followed him into the room. "It's Christmas morning, for God's sake. Isn't that sacrilegious or something?" 

"I must have missed that verse in the Bible," Jed said sarcastically as he took the kids' stockings down off the mantle and set them down on the floor for the twins to go through. "But thank you for bringing it to my attention, Zoey." 

"No problem. That's what I'm here for." Zoey grinned and bent to kiss his cheek. It might be gross to think about her parents getting it on, but Zoey's reaction was tempered by her relief that her parents must have really made up if they were having sex again. 

"I…um…I wouldn't have sent them to wake you up if I had known you were…" Beth trailed off embarrassed. 

"And what happened to locking doors?" Ellie asked. "When we were little, your bedroom door was locked most of them time." 

"Not that that helped when they decided to use the family room or the library." Zoey lifted a brow at her parents. 

"Zoey Patricia!" Abbey gasped. 

"Come on, Mom. It's TRUE. And don't sound so outraged. Remember what you'd say to us when we were grossed out by catching you guys or by the locked door? 'Sex is a part of life, girls. Your father and I are going to have sex. Get over it.'" 

The entire room went dead silent for the moment as Michael, Beth and Leo shared looks of, at first, shock and then amusement. 

"Okay, Okay. Can we NOT talk about this anymore? This conversation is entirely inappropriate for Christmas morning." Abbey was still blushing and flustered. 

"Mumma, Mumma, look." Aislinn tugged at the hem of Abbey's bathrobe. Not understanding the adult conversation about their parents' wrestling, and certainly not understanding the word "sex", the twins had begun digging into their stockings. 

Glad for the diversion, Abbey's attention moved to her children. "What do you have there?" 

"Look…" Aislinn swung a DVD back and forth in front of Abbey's face. "I gotted _101 Damnations_." Aislinn gave a start as everyone in the room burst into laughter. 

"Dalmations, sweetheart," Abbey corrected her, ruffling her pale gold curls. 

"I gots undies just like Daddy." Nicholas pulled out a few pairs of the tiny boxer shorts he'd demanded in place of the briefs Abbey had gotten him to start potty training again. Nicholas had been determined to wear the same kind of undies as his daddy and now he had pairs depicting Thomas the Tank Engine, SpongeBob, Spiderman, and the New England Patriots. 

"Nicky, I gots Stwaberry Shortcake, n' Cindewella n' n'Beauty and Beast and Wittle Mermaid undies." She flashed the packages of underwear at him. 

"Dose is GIRLS, Azlin. Mine is BOYS." 

"Nuh uh," Aislinn shook her head. "Mumma wears dose." She pointed to the boxer shorts, then pulled Abbey's bathrobe open. Standing beside her, Leo's mouth fell open as the little girl revealed Jed's boxers that rode low on Abbey's hips and the tank top. 

"Okay, okay, that's enough." Abbey pulled the bathrobe closed. "This is Christmas not 'Embarrass Mommy Day' and that goes for all of you." She encompassed her elder daughters in the look she sent her youngest two. 

"C'n we open pwesents now?" Nicholas stood before his mother with wide pleading blue eyes his little hands held together as if in prayer. 

"As soon as Gramma Emily joins us. I'll get you some juice while we wait. What kind would you like?" 

"I don't want juice, Mumma, I want PWESENTS." 

"Nicholas." 

Nicholas knew the tone of voice and the stern stare his mother planted on him very well and turned his mutinous eyes toward his father. 

"Don't look at me, buddy. You heard your mom. What kind of juice do you want?" 

Nicholas crossed his arms in a huff his bottom lip jutting out. 

"I want GWAPE juice, Mumma." Aislinn tugged at her mother's bathrobe. 

"Okay, grape juice it is for Miss Aislinn. I guess Nicky doesn't want any." Abbey turned to leave the room. She smiled to herself when she heard the sound of little feet chasing her down just like she'd known they would. 

"I want appo juice, Mumma." 

"Well, okay then." She turned back to him then addressed the room at large. "I'm going to put a pot of coffee on while I'm in there. If anyone wants anything else you're on your own." 

"I'll get the coffee, Abbey." Anxious for a moment alone with her, Jed followed her into the kitchen. 

"Well, that was certainly a lot of fun," Abbey said pulling sippie cups out of the cupboard. 

"I warned you it was only a matter of time," Jed chuckled. "They had to learn sooner or later that their dad can't keep his hands off their mom." Jed ran his hand over Abbey's enticing rear as she bent into the refrigerator to get the juice. 

"Jed, don't you think we've had enough trouble for today?" She removed the hand from her rear and proceeded on to the counter to pour the juice, then turned to him. "I thought you came in her to make the coffee?" 

"That was a pretense." 

"Pretense, so you could come cop a feel?" She raised an amused eyebrow his way. 

"No," he smiled. "Pretense, so I could give you one of your gifts in private. I wasn't sure if you'd want to…you know…" he stammered, "explain it to everyone." 

"What? Did you get me something kinky?" She grinned, then cast him a puzzled look as she accepted the small thin box he'd had in the pocket of his bathrobe and was now handing to her. Opening it, her eyes widened and immediately pooled with tears. There in a bed of velvet lay a delicate gold necklace. However, it wasn't the beauty of the chain that caused Abbey's breath to catch, it was the charm. A small gold dragon with an emerald for its eye, sapphires for spikes on its back, a diamond tail, and breathing a fire of rubies. It was absolutely gorgeous. But it was the sentiment behind it that had Abbey in tears not the jewels. A dragon, the Celtic symbol of protection, a fancier version of the one that he had given her nineteen years ago when she'd been in therapy after being raped; the one that she'd given to their daughter to make her feel safe and connected. 

"I noticed that Zoey was wearing yours when she came home for the tree lighting," Jed shrugged when Abbey didn't say anything. 

Abbey nodded brushing at her tears with the back of her hand. "I hope you weren't angry. That necklace was very special to me, Jed. It wasn't that I didn't want it anymore." 

"Ssh…I know." He handed her a napkin to wipe her eyes. "You felt she needed it more." 

Abbey nodded, grateful that he understood. "I hated leaving her up there while I came back. I didn't like her there alone and I know she was a little nervous about my leaving." 

"And you wanted to make her feel better?" 

"Yeah. But, I missed it, Jed. I missed squeezing it in my fist when I was scared and feeling it against my heart." 

"Well, you don't have to miss it anymore, 'cause it's back right where it belongs. May I?" He put his hand out for the necklace and Abbey dropped it in his hand, turning her back to him and lifting her hair so he could do the clasp for her. "There, right back where it belongs." 

Abbey's fingers touched the charm, eyes blurring again. "Thank you, Jed. I love it." 

Jed placed his hands on either side of Abbey's face, his thumbs gently stroking the soft rise of her cheekbones as he bent to press a soft sweet kiss to her lips. 

"Mumma, where my JUICE?!" 

"Yeah, we thought you were in here making coffee, not making out," Michael gently teased them. Despite his earlier embarrassment, it really was good to see his wounded daughter accepting the love and comfort she needed from her husband. It did his heart good to know that she was not trying to go it alone anymore. 

"Daddy likes to kiss Mumma, Gampy. He tolded me dat." Nicholas informed him. "He likes to kiss Mumma 'cause she's so pwetty." 

"You think my mumma's pretty?" Aislinn looked up at Leo with guileless blue-green eyes. She had no idea what she was asking of him. 

"Yeah, Aislinn," Leo's voice was soft, almost wistful. "I think your mother is very pretty." 

And, just like that, the moment was over; the room filling with people and barking dogs but despite the chaos, Jed continued to hold his wife in his arms. Abbey definitely had it right; love and affection were a part of life and there was no reason at all to try to hide that, in fact, he believed it did children a disservice NOT to see that their parents loved one another. 

**** 

Jed stood with a mug of coffee in his hand surveying the room with a wide grin. Wrapping paper littered the room, toys and boxes lay scattered about, Nicholas was pounding the wooden "nails" that came with the big tool table and kit Santa had brought him and Max and Panda were growling and playing tug of war running in and out of the kids' new play tunnel. This was more like it, he thought. Noisy and boisterous – this was the way the holiday was supposed to be, not the stilted affair they'd had the night of the tree lighting. It still gave him a pang that Liz and the kids weren't with them but he shoved that one regret aside to take pleasure in those who were present. 

Abbey moved up beside him sliding an arm around his waist, placing her fingers on her temple as her son continued pounding the wood with gusto. "I'd like to know who picked out the tool kit." 

"Santa brunged it, Mumma," Nicholas reminded her, then kept on pounding away. 

"Yeah, Mumma," Jed smiled down at her. "Santa brunged it." 

Abbey smiled and rested her head on Jed's shoulder, a move that did not go unnoticed by the adults present. The two of them had been sharing little moments like that all morning while everyone was opening gifts. It was like old times again, the way they had been before the estrangement – holding hands, unconsciously caressing an arm or cheek, gently brushing tendrils of hair back off each other's faces, tenderly resting a hand on a knee or a thigh and more than that, catching each other's eyes with smiles that were so intimate it forced people to look away as if they were invading their privacy. They'd always been a touchy-feely, affectionate couple and their family and friends had come to expect that of them, but the past few months had changed all that. There had been a decided coolness, a distance between them that had been scary and painful for their children and their parents; so it was with great relief that they took in these moments that were so much a part of the couple. 

Abbey watched Ellie sitting on the floor with Aislinn in front of her new "Dream Kitchen". Their blond heads were bent together as Ellie helped her little sister examine all the features of her new appliances. Jed noticed the smile fade from Abbey's face and watched her eyes cloud over. 

"Hey." He tilted her chin to gaze down at her. "You look sad. What's wrong?" 

"I was just watching Ellie and Aislinn playing together. I took the kids away and hid them with me up there at the farm as if I was the only one who loved them. There are so many people who love them, Jed, so many people who wanted to help them and I shut them all out as if I were the only one who could fix them." 

"Abbey, honey, we do the best we can. No one sets out to make mistakes. God knows I made enough of my own. What you did was primal. The need to protect them was a strong instinctive maternal need in a woman who loves her children with as much passion as you do." 

Abbey stared at Jed with wide surprised eyes. "Wow." 

"What?" he asked. 

"Just, wow. That was really good. Did you just come up with that?" 

Jed smiled sheepishly, lightly flushing as he shook his head negatively. "Nope, that was pure Stanley." 

"Ahh…"Abbey nodded. 

"Daddy, look at me JUMP!" 

Abbey and Jed turned to where their son was jumping up and down with excitement in the brand new "Jump-o-lene Jump-n-Gym" that he and Aislinn had gotten for Christmas. The high sides made it safe enough for them to jump to their hearts content. 

"Is it fun?" Jed asked with a broad smile. He loved to watch his children's joy in the gifts they'd received, especially the ones he'd picked out himself. 

"Uh HUH!" His enthusiasm knew no bounds. 

"And it will be a lot safer for Daddy," he whispered into Abbey's ear. "Especially since he's back in action." 

"Aww…you know, I'd have played doctor for you," Abbey purred. Just the thought of her ministering to that piece of his anatomy nearly caused him to groan. 

"You're killing me here, Abigail." 

Abbey flashed him a saucy naughty smile and announced that she was going to start brunch. A wink Jed's way had him following close behind. 


	30. Finding Our Way Back Home

Abbey stood at the counter grating the sharp cheese that she needed to add to the egg, minced onions and chunks of ham that made the delicious cheese strata that was a Bartlet brunch staple. Beside her, Jed stood at the stove frying bacon and using the waffle iron to make the waffles the kids had been begging for. There was something about cooking with him that had always been so comforting and so intimate. Right from the moment they had gotten married, the kitchen had not simply been her domain in spite of the fact that she loved to cook. Jed had always pitched in, even if it was just chopping vegetables or watching something simmer. There wasn't a sexist bone in his body when it came to feeding the family. He had even developed his own specialties over the years. And, well, quite frankly she found watching him cook irresistibly sexy at times, the way he flipped the waffles out of the iron with a flourish and the way he dipped his finger into the vanilla/cinnamon frosting that would go on the coffeecake she had made the day before, then licked it off. 

"What?" he asked noticing that her eyes lay heavily upon him, a glint of interest shining in their depths. "Want a taste?" At Abbey's nod, Jed dipped a finger into the frosting then laid his finger gently on her lips, his breath catching when Abbey's tongue slid across him, her lips opening to suckle the blunt fingertip into her mouth. Jed instantly hardened from both the erotic image of what she was doing and the pleasure that raced along the nerves in his finger through his forearm and straight to his groin. When she finally released him with a soft sexy smile, he turned from her briefly and pulled the fry pan off the stove. 

"Let's go." He grabbed her hand and began pulling her out of the kitchen. 

"Jed, the food," she protested. 

"Ellie! Zoey!" He called out to the general vicinity of the living room where the girls were straightening up and the children played under the watchful eyes of their grandparents. 

"Yeah, Dad?" Ellie called back. 

"Your mom and I need to get some condiments from the pantry, please come in the kitchen and keep an eye on things." 

Before they even had a reply, Jed had Abbey out of the kitchen pulling her into the small pantry. His arms were around her in an instant. 

"Jed," Abbey protested. "What are you thinking? It's Christmas morning, our children and our parents are right outside that door…" 

"I'm thinking about that little moment of coitus interuptus this morning and how I never got to finish what I started. Aren't you the one who's always telling me how anal I am about finishing every project that I start…" He was nuzzling into her neck now making it difficult for Abbey to protest about much of anything. 

"Well…yeah…but…" 

"Well, I most definitely started a project this morning and I never got to finish it." He opened her bathrobe his hands latching onto her breasts, kneading and caressing, feeling the nipples harden under his palm. 

"Ohhhh…Mr. President. You're insatiable." 

"Don't you know it, toots. Don't you know it." Jed's hands tugged at the waistband of the boxers she was wearing. 

"Jed…Jed…wait." Breathless with need, Abbey pulled back slightly. "Let's learn from our mistakes. The door." 

Jed gave her a befuddled look; his brain was definitely not running the show at the moment. 

"The door. If we're gonna do what I think we're about to do, you better lock it." 

"Oh, yeah, right." He leaned away from her momentarily and clicked the lock. By the time he turned back around, Abbey had shed her bathrobe. She grasped his hand and yanked him back against her, HARD. Jed felt a thrill course through his body at the evidence that Abbey wanted this just as badly as he did. They went wild then, lips grinding, pelvises thrusting against one another. 

"We gotta do this quick," Abbey was breathing heavy in his ear. "They think we're just getting condiments. 

"Quick I can do." Jed yanked the boxers down over her slender hips and grasped her by the back of her thighs, lifting her and jamming her back up against the shelves. Abbey's legs wrapped tightly around his hips and she felt him, hot and hard against her lower belly. Wild with need, she rubbed against him then suddenly coming to her senses she stilled. 

"We can't do this, Jed," she groaned with disappointment. "We need a condom…dammit, we have a whole box…." 

"Sssh…" Jed pressed his lips to hers and Abbey felt him rummaging at his side. "It's a damn good thing I was a Boy Scout." He lifted the foil packet he'd found in his pocket, flashing it before her relieved eyes. "Always come prepared…and that was pun intended." He wiggled his eyebrows lasciviously at her. 

"Yeah, yeah, that's great. Get it on and get in me, Jed. Quick, before somebody comes looking for us." 

Jed sheathed himself and Abbey took him in hand, guiding him to her entrance where he slid into her slippery wet depths with one long thrust. Jed's fingers dug into her rear holding her tightly to him as his hips thrust into her shoving her harder against the wall. Abbey clung to him, arms wrapped around his neck, his face buried into her breasts where his moans were muffled, her own being smothered into his hair where she was pressing kisses and nuzzling in. It didn't take long for either of them, the sex was too hot and the danger of being caught had only added edgy thrill to their frenzy. About a dozen thrusts was all it took to send them both over the edge into breathless climax. 

Abbey's legs were shaky and she was dizzy as Jed set her back down on her feet. "Told you I could do quick." 

"You sure did." Abbey pulled the boxers back on, closed her robe and began fussing with her hair. "Do I look okay?" 

"You look amazing." He couldn't stop himself from leaning down to press a deep wet kiss to her lips. 

"You know what I mean," Abbey protested. "Do I look like I was just fornicating with my husband in the pantry." 

Jed laughed at the old fashioned term but before he could speak there was a knock at the door. 

"Uh…guys…people are starting to notice that it's taken you a hell of a long time to get maple syrup and ketchup." Leo sounded uncomfortable outside the door. He'd known what they were up to the minute he'd found the door locked. 

"Yes, uh, well, we'll be right out." Abbey glanced at Jed, yanked his bathrobe closed a little more tightly, and adjusted his belt before she opened the door and departed with as much dignity as possible. Even if the door hadn't been shut, Leo would have known what they'd been up to. The skin around Abbey's mouth and chin was reddened from the stubble on Jed's jaw, her lips were kiss swollen and her eyes held a suspicious brightness; and Jed, well, he was still flushed and breathing a little heavier than normal. And, well, the one thing that really gave it away…. 

"Abbey, Jed," he called out to them. 

"Yes, Leo?" They both turned around. 

"If you really want everyone to believe you were getting condiments in the pantry, you might want to…oh I don't know… Bring some back." Leo grinned as he watched the two of them look down at their empty hands. 

"Uh…thanks, Leo." Jed made his way back into the pantry. 

Abbey was blushing prettily as she stood outside the door next to Leo. "You must think we're…sex maniacs or something. I assure you, Leo, we do know how to control ourselves most of the time." 

"SOME of the time," Leo corrected biting his cheek. 

"Are you laughing at me?" Abbey's eyes narrowed dangerously but Leo saw the twinkle of humor there. 

"Not at all, ma'am. I'd never laugh at you." 

"That's better then." 

"Seriously. Abbey, what I see are two people who lost their way for a little while and now that they've found it again they can't believe how lucky they really are. You're happy. You want to express that." 

"You're very perceptive." 

"Sometimes." 

"Okay, got 'em." Jed emerged with his arms filled and the three of them made their way back to the kitchen. 

**** 

The formal dining room of the White House Residence fairly groaned under the weight of the feast that had been prepared: cheese strata, apple spiced waffles with pure New Hampshire maple syrup, New England sour cream coffee cake, rafters of bacon, baskets of warm croissants with fresh butter and homemade apple jelly straight from the Bartlet farm, bowls filled with succulent fresh fruit, cantaloupe, watermelon, honeydew melon, strawberries and big fat blueberries, platters of spiral baked Virginia ham and broccoli casserole with cheese and rice. A feast fit for a king or at least, a President and his family and friends. 

Leo watched with amusement as little Nicholas Bartlet, sitting in his booster seat with a Thomas the Tank Engine bib tied tightly around his neck, proceeded to lick all the cheese and rice off his broccoli then leave the stalk on his plate untouched. 

"Looks like he takes after his dad when it comes to the green stuff." He grinned at Abbey who was trying to get both Nicholas and Aislinn to eat more than just the maple syrup soaked waffles. 

"You have to pick your battles, Leo." Abbey took a sip of her mimosa then spooned some fruit into bowls for the children, smiling as she watched them both dig in with gusto. 

"Looks like you won that one." He grinned. 

Later, as the adults continued to sit at the table talking, Nicholas and Aislinn raced from one peril fraught room to the next like little lunatics with a death wish. They paused every so often to show something to one of the adults and question them "Wass diss? Wass dhat?" and to ask for help, "Help me wit diss, Mumma?" "You do it, Daddy…PEASE.". 

"If we could only bottle that energy." Michael shook his head wearily, then smiled at his daughter. "They're great kids, Abbey-kins. You done good, kiddo." 

"Thanks, Daddy." Abbey smiled. "We like them." 

"Gamma." Nicholas stopped at the first person he came to at the table, which happened to be Emily Bartlet, and stuck his hand out. "You open for me." 

"What do you say, Nicholas?" Emily's tone was not stern and she actually smiled at her little grandson, who looked so much like Jed had at that age, it sometimes took her breath away. 

"Pease." 

"Yes, dear. I'll open it for you. What is it?" Not paying much attention, she started to open the foil packet. 

"Foot woll up." 

"Did you ask your mother if it was okay to have this fruit roll up?" 

Nicholas looked down at the floor. He hadn't asked permission, had simply found it in the pocket of his father's bathrobe when he'd stuck his hand in there. But, the point was moot when he heard his mother shriek. 

"Emily, don't open that!" 

But, it was too late. Emily had opened the packet and was looking down in horror at what lay in her hand. She'd never seen one before but she was quite sure it was a condom, and a funny green one at that. "It's…it's…." 

"BALLOON!" Nicky shouted with glee and tried to grab for it. Emily yanked her hand back and when she did, she dropped it. Thinking it was dropped food, Panda grabbed it and started to run off. 

"Jed, CATCH her. She can't eat that condom." Jed, Abbey and the girls took off after the quick Sheltie who bolted out the door and into the hall with Nicholas and Aislinn not far behind. 

"Sir, what did she get hold of? A bone?" Coop started to join the chase for the dog. 

"A condom." 

Coop stopped and turned to give the President a look of incredulity. "She's got a condom?" 

"It's a long story, Coop." 

"Wass a condom, Daddy? Wass a condom?" Nicholas and Aislinn continued to chase their parents until Panda was finally cornered and gave up the treasure that turned out to be not exactly what she had expected when she'd grabbed it. 

Mortified beyond belief by the incident, Abbey and Jed made their way back to the dining room where Michael, Elizabeth and Emily still sat, too embarrassed to look up from their mugs of coffee. Nobody said a word until Emily watched Jed throw the condom in the trash. She was appalled that her son and daughter-in-law had even contemplated having sex on Christmas, but she'd long ago gotten used to the idea that they used contraception even if it was against Catholic doctrine. 

"Really, Josiah." Emily pursed her lips. "It's the baby Jesus' birthday." Emily's statement was met with silence, then one person couldn't hold back the laughter and suddenly the whole room was erupting. "It's not funny," Emily protested. "That was a…I touched a…" 

"Geez," Jed spoke softly for Abbey's ears only. "I don't know what she's getting so freaked out about. It's not like it was used or anything." 

"Jed!" Abbey elbowed him. "Behave." 

"Mooommmyyy…" Nicholas came dragging in the room. "Why can't we pay wit de condom balloon." 

Zoey and Ellie went into hysterics at that point, laughing so hard that they nearly fell out of their chairs. Abbey flashed them a stern look that did absolutely no good. 

"It wasn't a balloon, Nicholas. In fact, it wasn't a toy at all. Where did you get that anyway?" 

"Daddy's pocket." 

Now it was Jed's turn to flush red as all eyes fell on him. Abbey wished in that moment that the floor would open up and suck her down. 

"What I want to know is…" Leo paused and looked at his best friends. "Why green?" 

Zoey did fall off her chair at that point as the whole room could not contain their laughter and Abbey sank onto the couch laying her head back wearily. "I am never having sex again," she muttered. 

**** 

"You know, Abbey, I was thinking." Jed was getting undressed in their bedroom later that night. 

"I know, I know." Abbey came out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel from her shower. "As soon as the holiday is over, I'll make an appointment with my gynecologist and get back on the Pill." 

"Well, that wasn't what I was going to say but I do think that would be a very, very good idea. I mean it might be a little embarrassing if the kids start preschool and ask the teacher if they can play with condom balloons." 

Abbey chuckled, finally able to laugh about the embarrassing incidents. "The LOOK on your mother's face when she opened that condom. Oh my God, Jed, that was just priceless. You'd think it was burning acid or something the way that she dropped it." 

"And then Coop," Jed laughed holding his side. "Chasing Panda down the hall trying to get it away from her. I mean that has to be one for the books." 

"Thank God agents don't WRITE books," Abbey laughed. "At the rate we're going they'd have to sell it at one of those red light district adult bookstores." 

"And just what do you know about red light district adult bookstores, Mrs. Bartlet?" 

"Oh, there's a lot the world doesn't know about me." Abbey tossed her head coquettishly. Jed caught her around the waist and pulled her into his arms. 

"But, nothing I don't know about you." He kissed the tip of her nose, then pulled back slightly. "Now, as I was saying, I've been thinking. I want to go away, all of us." 

"Go away where?" Abbey frowned. 

"I don't know, I was thinking maybe just a family weekend away at a ski resort." 

"Back in New Hampshire?" 

"It doesn't have to be New Hampshire. They have skiing in North Carolina, don't they? I mean I know it can't rival the northeast for you daredevils, but it isn't really the skiing that I'm after. I want to get out of the White House. I regret that we didn't go home for Christmas; it just isn't the same here. And…well…I feel like we're back on track. I feel like we're really a family again and I don't want to lose that." 

"Do you think Ellie can get the time off?" 

"If I ask Ellie to get the time off, she'll get it." 

Abbey looked at Jed with surprise. He'd never been all that sure of his relationship with their middle daughter and never would have taken something like that for granted. 

"Things changed while you were away, Abbey. Ellie and me, we bonded, really bonded. Like when she was a kid, before she became a teenager and got all paranoid that I didn't love her as much as Elizabeth and Zoey. She came over for dinner and a movie every Friday night, sometimes with Sam but most of the time alone and she called me every day. She kept me going, Abbey. I don't know what I would have done if I didn't have her." 

"Does she know that?" 

"Yeah, we talked about it." 

"Good. I'm glad she took care of you." Abbey laid her head against his chest. "And I'm really glad you two have worked out your relationship. I know how much that means to both of you. I had a similar experience with Zoey. She really opened up to me at the farm and we got very close. She's really becoming an extraordinary human being. They all are really. When the chips were down, they were there for us just like we've always been there for them." 

"I want Lizzie to come, too. Do you think she'd come?" The pleading hope in Jed's eyes was nearly more than Abbey could bear and she knew she'd move heaven and earth to get their eldest daughter down here. 

"I think she'll come." 

"Even though she's still pissed at me for Doug?" 

"I think she's getting over that. She knows Doug was wrong not to consult with you in the very beginning. Of course she wishes you'd jump on the Dougie bandwagon now but…." 

"Abbey, if I thought the boy was going to do a good job, if I thought he was doing it for the right reasons – because he was passionate about helping people or changing policies, I would jump on that bandwagon in a heartbeat no matter what the D.N.C. had to say, but I just don't see that. He wants to run because he likes the sound of Congressman Douglas Westin. It's an ego thing for him and you know how I feel about that." 

"Yeah, that's the impression that I got, too. But anyway, I think she'd love to have a chance to mend fences and maybe this could do it. But, what about Doug? He is her husband." 

"I'll invite Doug, too. We'll see if he can pass up an all expenses paid vacation." 

Abbey smiled at the grudging tone to his voice. "Good, then it's settled then." 

Jed nodded. "I'll call them now." 

"Okay. And, Jed." 

"Yeah?" 

"This was a really nice idea. I don't want the holiday to end either." 


	31. Finding Our Way Back Home

"Abbey." 

Abbey looked up at her husband from where she sat on the bed closing up the last of the suitcases. They were leaving for Sugar Mountain in Banner Elk, North Carolina in just a couple of hours. 

"What's up? Did you pack your shaving kit?" 

"Yeah, it's all packed." 

"And…" 

"Yeah," he grinned. "I didn't forget those either." 

"Good. With the way things have been going lately if I tried to go out incognito and buy some I'd get caught and end up on the cover of every tabloid in the country." 

"First Lady Caught Buying Condoms!" Jed boomed. "Rubbergate! The Secret Kinky Sex Life Of Abi…" Jed gave a soft whuff as the pillow Abbey threw at him hit him smack in the belly. 

"Rubbergate?" she laughed. "Rubbergate?" 

"Come on. Can't you see it?" 

"Unfortunately, I can," she grimaced. "Now, why were you looking for me when you came in here." 

"Oh…um…Before we leave…There's something else I wanted to give you for Christmas." 

"Jed, come on. You outdid yourself this year already with the gifts and now this ski vacation." 

"No, this is different." Jed's feet were shuffling with what seemed hesitance or reluctance. 

Abbey's brow furrowed with worry. "Jed, is something wrong?" 

"No. It's just– this was a tough decision for me." He pulled his hand out from behind his back and Abbey's eyes widened. 

"Jed…Your journal?" she breathed. 

Jed nodded holding out the leather bound journal wrapped with a big green bow. Abbey took it from him, running her fingers reverently over the spine. "Oh…honey, I can't accept this. This is yours. I still feel guilty for reading it." 

"No, Abbey, this is ours. I admit I was pissed when I found out that you'd read it. But you know I wrote these things in a haze of loneliness and pain and I never looked back and read what I wrote. I spent some time last night reading it for the first time and I realized a few things…" 

"Yeah?" Abbey ran her hand up his arm encouraging him to continue. 

"I wrote all of that in the middle of the night when I was feeling down and couldn't sleep, or after getting off the phone with Zoey when I was missing you so bad I wasn't sure how I was going to be able to stand it. Those are my feelings, my pain. But, more than that they are love letters. Love letters to you. Those letters are how I feel, Abbey; they're who I am. I didn't hold anything back. It's me, the real me. All the things I might never have had the courage to say to your face because of what you tell me is my jackassy macho need to be strong or out of some need to protect you. In those letters you can see just how powerful my love is for you, how elemental my need is for you." 

Abbey nodded through her tears. "That's how I felt when I was reading them. It was like you were reaching out and touching me with your words. I could feel how much you needed me, how much you loved me and while it broke my heart, it was also quite eye opening. You're a strong man, Jed. A very strong man and for you to open up like that, to admit your weakness, your vulnerability and your need, and to know that I'M the one you were longing for, that I'm the one you needed and loved, well that was probably the best gift that I've ever been given. Because, however much you love and need me, I love and need you just as much." 

"I know how much these words meant to you. I know how important they were in getting us back together – emotionally and physically. These words, they belong to you, Abbey. Open it up and read the inscription." 

Abbey opened the notebook and saw that Jed had written something on the first page. 

> _"'I once was lost, but now I'm found.  
>  Was blind, but now I see.' _
> 
> To my dearest Abigail, the love of my life, 
> 
> My need for you is as elemental as the earth needing the sun and the moon. My love for you only grows stronger and deeper with each passing day. This has been a twisting, turning road we've taken these past few months, with many forks and dips and crests. I thank God every day that we both continued on that same road together and that in the end, we were able to find our way back home. You are my world, Abbey, and if you ever have cause to doubt that, read these words and know that without you I am lost. That without you, my world is bleak and empty and cold and only when you are with me can I be whole again."

Abbey was silent for a few moments trying to regain her composure then finally she looked up at him, twin streaks of tears running down her cheeks. "Oh, Jed…I don't know what to say." 

"You don't have to say anything." Jed ran his fingers gently over her cheeks erasing her tears. Clearly, he was uncomfortable with the "mushy" things he had written. 

"Yeah, I do have to say something. This gift–" She held the journal tightly to her chest. "It means more to me than you'll ever know. I promise you that I will treasure it forever." 

Jed nodded. "And when I'm being a jackass, and we all know that will happen again, read it and know how I really feel about you." 

Abbey smiled through her tears. Jed was the only person who could continually do that to her. He always knew how to make her smile. 

"And now…well, now comes the hard part." 

"The hard part?" 

"I don't want what I have to say to ruin our trip. I don't want it to ruin what I still feel is a pretty tenuous thread holding us together." 

"Jed…you're scaring me." 

"There's no reason to be scared. I'm the one who's scared. Because, every time I've brought this up with you, it's pissed you off and you've closed off to me completely. You shoved me so far away I didn't dare to bring it up again. But, I can't worry about that anymore. I love you too much to worry about that anymore. Abbey, I know you're doing better, much, much better. But, I really think you need to speak with someone in a professional capacity." 

"A psychiatrist?" 

Jed swallowed at the coolness in her tone. "Counseling. Just someone to help you deal with what happened to you. You've spent months suppressing your fears and your feelings and that can't be good, Abbey. I don't want you to have those panic attacks anymore. I don't want you to wake up so scared you have to take a pill to calm down." 

Jed took a deep breath awaiting Abbey's response, but his pleas were met merely with silence. 

"Abbey?" 

"I hear what you're saying, Jed, I really do. I know I've been pretty resistant to professional help and I'm not exactly sure why. I mean, you know I'm not opposed to psychological help. I had rape counseling. I urged you to see Stanley and I got a specialist for the girls, but I guess I just thought that I was the adult in the situation and that since I'd been through something similar in the past I should be able to deal with it – that I should be STRONG enough to deal with it on my own. I did start talking to Grace while we were at the farm and she helped me to see that by pushing you away and ignoring my own need for help, I was repressing everything. That in trying to help the girls and ignoring my own problems, I could pretend that I was fine and that nothing had happened." 

"But it did happen." Jed's eyes clouded over. "Horrible things happened to you, Abbey, and we can't pretend anymore that they didn't." 

"I know, Jed. Believe me, I know. Grace helped me a lot but I know that I need more than that. I can't do this on my own, anymore." 

A sigh of relief passed through Jed's lips. "None of us can. That's another reason I wanted to take this trip. I want to talk to the girls. It isn't just you that needs the help or Zoey and Aislinn; it's all of us. Every one of us was affected in some way by the kidnapping and we've all been so busy feeling guilty or scared, we've all gone off into our own corners to try to heal ourselves. It's not working. We need to work together as a family. It's the only way we're going to get through this and minimize the damage done." 

"You've really put some thought into this." Abbey's tone indicated surprise. But, he didn't blame her, he'd always accepted that "other" people might need the help of counseling and psychiatry, but until he'd started seeing Stanley Keyworth he'd never believed that he would even be one of them. Even when he'd accompanied Abbey to rape counseling sessions, it had been to help HER not because he felt that he'd needed help. 

"Well, Stanley brought it up and…well, I'm willing to do my part if you'll do yours." 

"Want to shake on it?" Abbey held out her hand. 

"Naw, but I'll kiss on it." Jed took her hand in his and gently touched his lips to hers. 

**** 

"Hold on just a minute, before we leave I need to pay someone a quick visit." Jed turned toward the hall that led to Josh's office. 

"Uh…Jed, we still half that box left, I think we're all set for the weekend, especially if you plan on spending any time at all with your children." 

"Believe it or not, there are reasons other that his helping out with our birth control needs that I might need to see Josh." 

"Whatever you say, sweet buns." Abbey flashed him a saccharine sweet smile. "Oh, and Jed." 

Jed turned back to see what she needed. "See if he has any of those ribbed ones. I'd like a little texture please." 

Chuckling softly, Jed shook his head and started down to Josh's office obviously catching his Deputy Chief of Staff by surprise. 

"Sir, I thought you were leaving on a ski trip." 

"We are. You didn't tell me they glowed in the dark. You damn near gave my wife a heart attack." 

Josh gave a surprised snort of laughter picturing the presidential sexual shenanigans. 

"You know, I always thought you were a real ladies man." 

"And now you think differently?" Josh frowned. 

"Well, Josh. I may have only ever had one woman in my bed but I've sure as hell never had a problem finding MY pecker in the dark." 

Josh's eyes widened as the President turned on his heel with a grin and departed the room. "Wait… sir… they were a gift!" When he realized Jed had most certainly not heard him, he said more quietly. "They… were… a gift." 

**** 

"Throw me, Daddy, throw me!" Aislinn was soaking with her mother and older sisters in the Jacuzzi, but after watching her father tossing Nicholas and Gus into the air and letting them splash down into the pool, she couldn't resist the chance to do the same and started to scramble out. 

"Aislinn, put your floaties on if you're going in the pool." Abbey's words were automatic. 

Aislinn picked up her discarded arm floaties and tried put them on. After struggling for a mere few seconds she stomped her feet with frustration. "I caaaannnntt, Mumma!" 

"Well, don't just stand there stomping your feet. Come here and I'll help you." 

"Hurry, Mumma, hurry. I want Daddy to throw me." 

"Aislinn, Daddy isn't going anywhere. He'll wait for you. Now stop squirming around so I can get these on." 

Finally, Abbey had the arm floats pushed far enough up Aislinn's arms and she scampered off to join the boys in the pool. 

"Aislinn." 

Just about to take the plunge off the side into her father's arms, his voice stopped her. 

"What do you say to your mother?" 

Aislinn turned back to where Abbey was sinking back down into the Jacuzzi. "Tank you, Mumma." 

"You're welcome, baby girl." 

The private chalet that Jed had rented for his family was nestled in the snowy woods at the base of Sugar Mountain and had a small private indoor pool, a Jacuzzi and an outdoor hot tub along with more than enough bedrooms for everyone. 

"So, Mom, what are the plans for tomorrow?" Zoey asked. 

"Well, your father set up a ski lesson for Aislinn, Nicholas and Gus and…" 

"Wait, didn't the brochure say that kids had to be five or older for 'Sugar Bear' lessons?" Elizabeth asked. "Gus will just make it but that would leave the twins out." 

"Yeah, it would, but your dad hired a private instructor. After all…" she adopted an imitation of her husband's voice, "five years old may be okay for North Carolina kids, but New Hampshire kids are BORN on skis." 

"Excuse me," Jed called over from the pool where he was throwing his shrieking daughter into the air. "Did I just hear some mimicking of me over there?" 

"Of course not, darling," Abbey called back over with a smile. "You must be hearing things." 

"Yeah, that must be it," he grinned back at her. "'cause my wife would never mimic me when I'm not there to defend myself." 

"Of course she wouldn't." Abbey's tone was placating as she took a sip from her glass of wine. "You just keep right on believing that." 

Jed's laughter was cut short with a yelp of pain. He looked down with surprise to see Aislinn's fist still curled around the chest hair she had just yanked. 

"Aislinn! Why did you do that?" 

"THROW me, Daddy," Aislinn demanded. 

"That's not the way you ask me to do something. It wasn't very nice. You hurt Daddy." 

Aislinn's lip quivered and her big eyes pooled with tears. She was a very sensitive little soul and didn't like to be reprimanded. "I's sowwy, Daddy." She buried her face against her father's chest and kissed him where she had yanked the hair. Jed's eyes caught Abbey's over Aislinn's head and they couldn't help the smiles that curved their lips at the sweetness that filled their child. 

"All better, Daddy?" 

The earnestness in her pretty green eyes tugged at Jed's heart. "Yeah, Sunshine. All better." 

**** 

"So, what do you think, Gramps? A little Texas Hold'um?" Annie came to the table carrying the locked silver box her grandfather had given her for Christmas. Everyone was still seated since they'd just finished a round of bid whist, although Gus, Nicholas and Aislinn had been put to bed earlier after a few games of _Chutes and Ladders._

"You created a monster when you taught her how to play poker last summer," Elizabeth told him. "And now with that 'Texas Hold Um' set, she's always wanting to set up a game." 

"Nothing wrong with that. Hope you brought your wallet, girly." 

"Jed! You're NOT using money to gamble with her!" 

"Kidding, Abigail, kidding. Do you honestly think I'd fleece my own granddaughter?" 

"Who says I'm gonna get fleeced?" Annie placed her hands on her hips, a competitive gleam in her eye that was pure Bartlet. 

"That's the spirit, Anabeth." Jed grinned approvingly. 

"Well, while you two set this all up, I'm going to go make another pitcher of margaritas." Abbey got to her feet and looked down at Jed who was opening Annie's case and pulling poker chips out of the velvet lined box. He enjoyed poker almost as much as he enjoyed chess. "You want another Sam Adam's?" She rested her hand on his shoulder as she asked. 

"Yeah, and can you bring out some more tortillas and salsa. The hot stuff, not that mild wuss stuff you had out here earlier." 

"Fire sauce it is," she grinned. 

"Thanks, babe." Jed took her hand from his shoulder and affectionately kissed her palm. 

A feeling of warmth spread through Annie's chest at the warm gesture. Annie was closer to her grandparents than many grandchildren were. Her grandparents had been so young when she was born and then they had raised her for the first three years of her life until her mother had finished college, so they had always seemed more like surrogate parents than grandparents. After her mother had married Doug Westin, they had moved just fifteen minutes away from the farm and Annie was a frequent visitor along with spending weeks in the summer with them in Maine. She adored her grandparents and felt more secure in their openly affectionate relationship than she did in her parents' more austere marriage. It was that feeling of security that had been breached during her grandparents' separation. Of course, they hadn't called it that. She was told that her grandmother was just staying at the farm to get away from the spotlight of the White House and Annie had bought into that –– until she had seen them together at Thanksgiving. The icy coolness between the two, where once there had been such warmth, scared her. She had never seen them act like that with one another and she didn't know what to make of it. So, when her parents informed her that they would be spending Christmas with her Westin grandparents, she hadn't balked as she normally would, she had merely accepted it. 

It wasn't that she didn't like the Westins. They were a nice old couple, but they weren't FUN like her Bartlet grandparents. Plump and silver haired wearing housedresses and sensible shoes, Jean Westin – a Barbara Bush clone – was the stereotypical grandmotherly type and about as far from the beautiful, youthful, elegantly fashionable Abbey Bartlet, as could be. Nobody would ever mistake Jean to be her mother, the way they frequently had with Abbey. But, it wasn't just their appearance that made them so disparate in Annie's eyes, it was their attitudes. Annie felt like she could talk to Abbey about anything – boys, make up, sex, drugs, movies, and she was even up on popular music. Abbey had taken her to an _'N Sync_ concert one year for her birthday and brought her backstage to meet the band members, while Jean didn't even have a clue as to who Beyonce was. Visits to the Bartlets' included rollicking games of cards, smart assed teasing over board games, skiing and sailing and evenings of dissing over manicures and pedicures with Abbey or over games of chess with Jed. Visits to the rather prudish Westins included watching the "smart mouth" she had inherited from the Bartlets, sitting for hours holding a skein of yarn while her grandmother taught her how to crochet and sitting watching old game shows her with Grandpa Bert. But, even that wasn't as fun as it was with Jed, because Bert didn't call out the answers during _Jeopardy_ the way Jed did and he didn't shake his head and make snide comments about the contestant's lack of intellect. In short, she was happy to be here with her family, happy to see that whatever rift that had existed between her grandparents had been repaired, happy that things were getting back to normal. 

**** 

"This little piggy ran to market, this little piggy stayed home and this little piggy ran WEE WEE WEE!!!" Hysterical paroxysms of laughter erupted from the twins as Jed tickled them. Abbey entered the bedroom fresh from her bath to see the children sprawled over their beds still dressed in the long underwear they'd worn for their first private ski lesson that afternoon. While the children had enjoyed their lesson and the girls went off skiing some black diamond runs, Abbey and Jed had spent some quality time cross-country skiing through the trails that wound through the woods and fields that surrounded the mountain. After dinner together, the girls had gone out for some night skiing and while Abbey had gone to soak in a warm bubble bath, Jed had begun the long process of tucking all three children in. 

"One more story, Papa Jed," Gus pleaded. 

But seeing Abbey in the doorway in her silk bathrobe and knowing the roaring fire he'd built was ready to cuddle up in front of, he was able to steel his resolve and refuse. "Nope, I'm all storied out tonight. Besides you need to get some sleep so you can have another ski lesson tomorrow morning and then maybe in the afternoon we'll all go snow tubing. How does that sound?" 

"Wif you and Mumma?" Aislinn asked. 

"Yup, all of us." 

"And then maybe we can all go for another nice swim." Abbey entered the room to give her good night kisses. "But only if you settle in and go to sleep." 

"Okay. Daddy, I needs my blankie." Aislinn held her arms out for the beloved piece of cloth that had been with her since birth and that her father still held in his hand. 

"Oh, yes. Of course." He spread the blanket out over Aislinn's chest and after a group prayer and hugs and kisses, the lights were turned off save for the night lights that Abbey had made sure littered the room. With a backward glance to make sure they didn't have any little followers, Abbey followed Jed into the living room of the chalet. Soft romantic music played on the stereo, the lights were dimmed and the glow of the fire in the huge stone hearth flickered over the cushions of the couch Jed had pushed closer to the fireplace. 

"Well, I do declare, Mr. President," Abbey adopted a decidedly southern accent. "It looks like you've got seduction on your mind." 

"I've always got seduction on my mind. I can't help it, you see. I've got this wife whose beauty is unparalleled, whose incredible body still fills me with lust after all these years, and, who quite frankly, between you and me, is pretty damn good in the sack." 

"Pretty damn good?" Abbey lifted a brow. "I'll show you pretty damn good." 

"Ah, there's that competitive spirit I love so much." Jed took her hand and led her to the couch, handing her a mug along the way. 

"What is this?" 

"Your favorite – hot buttered rum." 

"Ah, you're going to ply me with liquor." She lowered herself to the cushions and curled up in the corner to watch her husband grasp the poker near the fireplace. Jed had changed into faded worn jeans and a navy cable knit sweater and with his sandy brown hair slightly mussed, he looked like a member of a Ralph Lauren ad, a very SEXY member. 

"Do you think I need to?" 

Biting her bottom lip as desire flared in her belly, Abbey watched her husband bend to stoke the fire. "Nah…I'll let you in on a little secret…I'm easy…" 

"Really? A tart?" He turned to her and smiled his eyes crinkling sweetly, then sat down beside her. 

"Unh uh…" She ran her finger over his jaw then around to the back of his neck pulling his face closer to hers. "Just a sucker for the most beautiful blue eyes on the planet." And gazing deeply into those gorgeous sky-blue eyes, she pressed her lips to his in a soft sweet kiss. Jed reached an arm around her to pull her close and moaned. Abbey would have thought it was passion but it was a little early for that kind of deep moan. 

"What's wrong?" she asked. 

"Nothing. I'm just a little stiff in the shoulders from skiing today." 

"Well, why didn't you say so? Come here." 

Jed leaned forward and Abbey pulled his sweater up and off. She couldn't resist the urge to sweep a hand across the crisp gold and silver hair that lightly furred his chest. Jed shuddered as her fingertips ran over his nipples and he leaned in to kiss her. Abbey gently pushed back on his chest keeping him at arms length. 

"Not yet. I'm going to give you a massage. Sit down on the floor." 

Still sitting on the couch, Abbey widened her legs for Jed to sit between them on the floor. Once settled in, she slid her fingers across the muscles at the base of his neck squeezing gently and eliciting moans of pleasure. 

"Those hands are gifted, Abbey." Jed rolled his neck as Abbey's fingers began digging into his shoulder muscles. 

Sadly, Abbey gazed down at her hands. Those hands that had once worked miracles, that had saved lives when no one thought they could be saved and were now used only to heal and comfort her husband and children, not that that wasn't important. But, she was a healer and she wished somewhere deep in her soul that she could heal again. She knew that if only she could regain just a small part of who she was, it would help her immensely to deal with who she had become. 

"Abbey?" 

She hadn't realized that she had released a soft sigh. 

"You okay?" 

Stiffening her resolve, determined to enjoy this time with her family, Abbey pushed the thoughts of her career away and concentrated at the task at hand. 

"And why wouldn't I be okay?" She purred, her teeth clamping down gently on his earlobe while her hands moved from his shoulders kneading the pectoral muscles on his chest and moving lower over his abdomen. His jeans were unbuttoned at the waist and Abbey could see that her massage had created a tight bulge between his legs. Liquid desire pooled in her belly and she cupped her hand over him feeling the heat and hardness of his straining masculinity. Jed groaned, pressed her hand harder against him, then thinking better of what he was urging her to do, he got to his feet and joined her on the couch. Cupping her face in his hands, he watched the firelight shimmer in her bright copper hair and glitter in her sea green eyes. His eyes stayed connected with hers as he slipped a hand inside her bathrobe to close warmly over her breast, reveling in the way she bit her lower lip, her eyes growing heavy and her back arching into his hand. She gave a soft gasp as his thumb and forefinger pinched her hardening nipple and he bent his head to nuzzle into her neck still dewy fresh from her bath. 

"You smell so damn good," he murmured. "Vanilla and flowers. God, I want to taste every inch of you." 

Abbey gave a soft moan as she felt him suck in the skin where her neck met her collarbone, knowing he was going to leave a mark and not caring in the least. When his lips finally left her and his face tilted up toward hers, his eyes were hooded with desire, slumberous with need. He slipped his hands over her chest under her bathrobe and gently pushed it off her shoulders letting it fall to her waist, baring her beautiful full breasts to his ravenous eyes. The firelight cast a rosy glow over the creamy swells and her nipped in tiny waist and created a fiery halo in the tousled auburn curls that fell to her shoulders. 

"God, you're so beautiful, Abbey." He reached a hand out to lift her right breast, weighing it in his palm, then bent his head. Abbey's fingers dug into Jed's shoulders as his tongue slid over her nipple, flicking it with an expertise that drove her mad. And just when she thought she couldn't stand the sharp bursts of pleasure that ran along her nerves, his mouth opened and he began to suckle her, tugging and teasing the hard aching nipple and creating a warmth through Abbey's body that left her boneless and languid – and needy. Very, very needy. And, what she needed – what she really needed – was this. She slipped her hands inside Jed's unbuttoned jeans and when he sat up to help her, she shoved his jeans and his boxers down his thighs. 

Sitting before her in the firelight leaning back and breathing heavily against the couch cushions, his penis full and erect, Jed was all male…and all hers. She bent forward over his lap, her soft hair tickling his thighs and she took him into her mouth. Her lips slid over his shaft taking pleasure in both the feel and texture of his satiny, engorged shaft and the low agonized groans that escaped his lips as she pleasured him. She felt his fingers threading through her hair while her head bobbed up and down over him and knew when his hips started thrusting up to her mouth that it was time to slow things down. With one last kiss to his quivering tip, she sat up and pressed her lips to his mouth allowing him to taste himself on her. 

"Jed, a condom… we need a condom." 

"I've got one." Jed leaned over reaching for his jeans and dug out his wallet. "God, I feel like we're in college again, fumbling around in the back of my dad's car." 

"Yeah, except the damage had already been done by then." Her lips twisted wryly. "We've certainly come a long way from being those naïve college sweethearts." 

"Yup, but in some ways not so far at all." He grinned as he pulled the foil package out of his wallet and Abbey made a grab for it. 

"I'll do the honors tonight." She opened the package and with hands still shaking with her desire she began to stretch the sheath over his length. 

"God," Jed bit out. "This is WAY more erotic when you do it." 

"Of course it is. I know my way around Old Hickory pretty good by now. You know, I'm even getting kind of used to the green." She had him fully sheathed and slipped a thigh over his hips to straddle him. "We should save some of these for a little St. Paddy's Day –– fuuunnn." The last word came out as a moan as she sank down on his erection taking him fully inside her. And then the time for talk was over. Jed buried his face in Abbey's cleavage and grasped her hips tightly aiding her in the up and down motion they both craved and delighted in and that soon had them spiraling toward the great heights of orgasmic pleasure. 

> _Everytime I'm with you, baby_  
>  I can't believe it's true   
> When you're layin' in my arms   
> 'N' you do the things you do 
> 
> You can see it in my eyes   
> I can feel it in your touch   
> You don't have to say a thing   
> Just let me show how much   
> Love you, need you, yeah 
> 
> I wanna kiss you all over   
> And over again   
> I wanna kiss you all over   
> Till the night closes in   
> Till the night closes in 
> 
> Stay with me, lay with me,   
> holding me, loving me, baby   
> Here with me, near with me,   
> feeling you close to me, baby 
> 
> So show me, show me ev'rything you do   
> 'cause baby no one does it quite like you 
> 
> Love you, need you, oh, babe 
> 
> I wanna kiss you all over   
> And over again   
> I wanna kiss you all over   
> Till the night closes in   
>    ( _Kiss You All Over_ by Exile)

**** 

"We can't go back yet." Ellie Bartlet stopped her sisters from getting up from the chairs where they'd been sitting in front of the fire at the lodge drinking hot chocolate laced with Irish cream. 

"Why not?" Zoey asked. "I'm getting tired." 

"Uh…Dad wanted some private time with Mom. He asked me to keep you guys out until around eleven." 

"Pimping for Dad now, Eleanor?" Elizabeth lifted a brow. 

"I'm not pimping," Ellie blushed. "I just know that they need some time alone to reconnect. You don't know what Dad was like while Mom was gone. It was scary. He wasn't the same person. It was like all the life had been sucked out of him or something." 

"Mom wasn't any better," Zoey said. "I mean, don't get me wrong, she was great about everything. I don't know how Aislinn or I would have gotten through everything without her help. She was really THERE for me in every way. I got closer to her than I've ever been before. But, she would go off on her own a lot riding or hiking and when she came back she would be very, very distant. And, just bring up the subject of Dad and she was snippy and moody and night after night I used to hear her crying in her bedroom." 

"And what about you, Zo?" Ellie placed a hand over her younger sister's. "How are you doing?" 

"I'm better," Zoey smiled. "I like being away from everything. I've been helping out a lot on the farm and Lizzie keeps me busy." 

Less than fifteen minutes away from the farm, Elizabeth was a frequent visitor and often planned outings with her younger sister. Growing up, Zoey had always been closest with Ellie since they were closer in age. Already nine years old when Zoey came along, Liz had adopted the role of older sister, baby-sitter and second mother and it was a role that she continued with both her sisters to this day. 

"You can't hide out forever, you know." Ellie's voice was gentle and concerned. 

"I know. I don't plan to. I'll be back here for Jean Paul's trial and I've been looking into grad schools. I haven't told Mom and Dad yet, but I think I'm going to settle on a school in D.C. Ron Butterfield feels safer with me being on the farm or in the White House rather than my own apartment. I figure I can spend the last couple of years of Dad's term in the White House then maybe move to Hanover and go for my doctorate at Dartmouth. 

"Dad would love that." Liz grinned. They all knew that Dartmouth, the Ivy League college where their father had been a professor, was second in his heart only to his beloved Notre Dame. "But, you don't think it might be tough living in the White House with Mom and Dad?" 

"It's a big place." Zoey shrugged. 

"Well, what if you want to have a party or invite a guy over or something. You know Dad would FREAK about that." 

"I'll talk to Mom about the logistics and stuff. And, I don't think you have to worry about any guys for a while." Zoey's eyes clouded over at the memory of Jean Paul de Bourbon. 

"Don't let him do that to you, Zo." Liz took Zoey's hand in hers. "He was a scum sucking prick, but that doesn't mean they all are." 

"I think Dad's right," Ellie said. "I think this counseling will be good for all of us. I think we all have issues we need to work through. And it will be good to do it together." 

"One for all." Elizabeth placed her hand out. 

"And all for one." Ellie and Zoey lay theirs on top of hers and three sisters grinned at each other broadly. 

**** 

Jed walked through the living room carrying a tray of pecan sticky buns and mugs of coffee whistling _Zippity Doo Dah_ as he made his way into the bedroom. It was early morning and Abbey was still sound asleep. She lay on her belly, one arm dangling over the side of the bed, the thin silk strap of her negligee slipping down her bare shoulder. Her tousled hair covered her face and the bedcovers were twisted about her hips. She was exhausted; he grinned to himself with satisfaction. After their lovemaking in front of the fireplace, they had retired to the safety of their bedroom and continued on in a sensual haze of rediscovery and pure unadulterated lust. Standing beside the bed just watching his wife sleep off their night of passion, Jed's heart swelled with a love so strong it made him weak in the knees. How? How after all these years could she still affect him this strongly? Was it because he'd come so close to losing her? Was it because he had learned to appreciate what he had with her in new ways? Or was it simply this way for all men and the women who held their hearts in their hands? 

Jed set the tray down on the table by the bed and tenderly pushed the hair back off Abbey's face. 

"Rise and shine, sleepyhead." He pressed a kiss to her shoulder. 

"Mmmmm…." Abbey murmured. 

"I come bearing gifts for strength and fortitude." 

"Coffee," she moaned, still not opening her eyes. "Do I smell coffee?" 

"You do indeed. I know the way to my woman's heart." 

Abbey stretched, yawned and sat up leaning back against the pillows Jed propped up behind her. She took the steaming mug he handed her and noticed the tray. 

"Sticky buns? Oh, Jed, I think I love you." 

"I hope you love me. I don't think you're the kind of woman who goes around doing the kind of things you did last night with men they don't love." 

"Ah, you think you know so much about me," Abbey flirted. 

"Oh, sweet cakes, I know EVERYTHING about you." His fingertips played over the sensitive skin of her inner thigh. 

"I wanna see my mumma and daddy!" 

Jed's fingers stilled at the belligerent tone of their son outside their door. 

"You better knock first." 

"Good girl, Ellie," Jed chuckled softly. "We trained that one well, anyway." 

Abbey gave a small start at the hard knock Nicholas gave the door. "I think he kicked it," she stifled her laughter against Jed's shoulder then called out, "Come in!" 

By the time Aislinn and their three eldest daughters had joined them, Abbey and Jed were seated propped against their headboard munching on sticky buns and sipping their coffee. Their children all sat Indian style over the foot of the bed eating their own sticky buns. The elder girls were drinking cappuccinos that Zoey had ordered while the younger two drank milk from sippie cups. Not a word was uttered from their parents about crumbs dropping or sticky fingers. 

Leaning her head against Jed's bare shoulder, Abbey smiled enjoying the bantering of her husband and their brood. She had fled from this once, fled to her home where she felt safe and secure, but in doing so she had found out that home was not a place at all. Home was right here in Jed's arms and as long as she was with him, she would always be home. 

> _There was a time_  
>  We thought our dream was over   
> When you and I   
> Had surely reached the end   
> Still here we are   
> The flame as strong as ever   
> All because we both kept holding on   
> We know we can weather any storm 
> 
> Baby, that's what love is all about   
> Two hearts that find a way, somehow   
> To keep the fire burning   
> It's something we could never live without   
> If it takes forever   
> We can work it out   
> Beyond a shadow of a doubt   
> Baby, that's what love is all about 
> 
> As time goes by   
> We've learned to rediscover   
> The reason why   
> This dream of our survives   
> Through thick and thin   
> We're destined for each other   
> Knowing we can reach the other side   
> Far beyond the mountains of our pride 
> 
> Ridin' the good times is easy   
> The hard times can tear you apart   
> There'll be times in your heart   
> When the feelin' is gone   
> But ya keep on believing   
> And ya keep holdin' on 
> 
> Baby, that's what love is all about   
> Two hearts that find a way, somehow   
> To keep the dream from dying   
> It's something we could never live without   
> If it takes forever   
> We can work it out   
> Beyond a shadow of a doubt   
> Baby, that's what love is all about   
>    ( _That's What Love is All About_ by Michael Bolton)

The End 


End file.
